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If Gambling Were Legal: Wild Card Weekend

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Before starting in on Wild Card weekend, I thought I would take a few lines of prose to discuss how much pain I have endured this past week because of my adopted love the Wisconsin Badgers. First Monday and the Rose Bowl. Heading into the game I felt that the Badgers offense could keep up with the Flying Prefontaine’s from Eugene. Sure enough, Wisco kept pace in Pasadena, and if it weren’t for some questionable clock management, they could have walked away smelling roses. When Russell Wilson went to spike the ball with :02 seconds remaining, my first thought was: perfect, just enough time to run one final play. But then the clock struck :00 and the replay booth confirmed my greatest fear that :02 was not enough time for two plays. Of course, this wouldn’t have been a problem if either a) the offense had a play called for exactly this situation or b) Bret Bielema didn’t treat his second half timeouts like old receipts from the grocery store.

If Monday weren’t painful enough, the next night back in Madison at the Kohl Center proved to be just as perplexing. The Mayans predicted two things would happen in 2012. #1: The world will come to an end and #2: all digital clocks would be synched. How can you expect Big Ten officials to make a fair decision when one clock read .2 seconds while the other showed .0? Whatever the case, the Ryan Evans would be game tying triple didn’t count and Bo Ryan loses another heartbreaker to Sparty.

Wild Card Weekend

Saturday

HOUSTON (-3) over Cincinnati – Watching this years Rose Bowl brought me back to the 2011 edition when Wisconsin lost to the Andy Dalton led TCU team. I have yet to forgive Dalton and do not wish him any luck as he leads his Benglas against the Texans. Speaking of Houston, that failed two point conversion against the Texans was totally scripted. Probably by Mike Francesa who would have given anything for the NY Jets to miss the playoffs including his subscription to Horse and Hound.

Detroit (+10.5) over NEW ORLEANS – As a sports fan, there’d be no better place to be this weekend than NOLA. With both the NFL playoffs AND the CFB National Championship taking place in the Superdome, I would pay a pretty penny for safe passage to the Big Easy. Of course, with prices these days, I’d probably have better luck becoming a butt sniffing corporate hanger oner just punching his time sheet until the next handout.

Sunday

NY Giants (-3) over Atlanta – If there is one thing I can guarantee you about the New York Giants is to expect the unexpected. That, and if you are going to spend a billion dollars building a new stadium, the least you can do is give it some personality. Geez. MetLife Stadium is about as charismatic as Nick Saban who, coincidentally, I’m also convinced is getting shorter and shorter.

DENVER (+8.5) over Pittsburgh – Those footsteps you hear belong to Brady Quinn. Yes, that Brady Quinn. ALso, don’t be surprised if you see John Elway rushing onto the field to pull the plug on Tim Tebow himself before the Broncos QB self combusts all over himself like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber.

view from the Rose Bowl courtesy of @lucy_nicholson

Fumblerooski: NFL Week 17

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Week 17

Packers 45 Lions 41 – Lots at stake in this game as Detroit needed a win to avoid playing the Saints in round 1 of the NFC playoffs while Packers backup QB Matt Flynn needed a big game to cash in as a free agent this summer. I guess you could say 480 yards and 6 TDs qualifies as a big game.

49ers 34 Rams 27 – San Fran locked up the #2 seed in the NFC playoffs and a very likely date with New Orleans in round 2. At this point, it’s pure speculation however I would imagine the Niners will be penciled in as +3.5 point underdogs at home to the Saints would should lead to all sorts of “We Get No Respect” t-shirts and signs in the Bay Area.

Dolphins 19 Jets 17 – Murphy’s Law. Jets OC Brian Schottenheimer called a less than inspired game. QB Mark Sanchez looked like a lost puppy. WR Santonio Holmes stomped his feet a little bit while head coach Rex Ryan sounded a little defensive in his post game press conference. Tune into WFAN tomorrow at around 1:02 for a little NY Jets spit roast courtesy of his excellency Mike Francesa.

Bears 17 Vikings 13 – Vikings DE Jared Allen ends the season with 22 sacks, .5 behind the all time leader Michael Strahan. As Peter King pointed out, this is just one more way for Kiln, Mississippi’s most recognizable wearer of Wrangler’s to mess with the hearts of Vikings nation.

Patriots 49 Bills 21 – This Patriots defense reminds me of one of the funniest moments from Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanors. Speaking of Woody Allen, finally watched Midnight in Paris over the holidays and I believe the entire film falls under the category of what Adam Carolla calls, “rich white guy problems”.

Saints 45 Panthers 17 – I’ll bet you any amount of money that when Dan Marino watches the Saints play he can’t help but imagine how many yards/touchdowns he would have thrown for had he played in era that does not allow defenders to lay a finger on receivers or come within breathing distance of a QB. In this era, the combination of Marino and the Marks (Duper/Clayton) would have gone for over 6,000 yards with 50 TDs.

Eagles 34 Redskins 10 – They should have played this game on ice. What’s that you say? The ice in Philadelphia is melting?

Jaguars 19 Colts 13 – Tony Dungy says the Colts will take a good, hard look at drafting Baylor QB Robert Griffin III with the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. The horror!!! Doesn’t Dungy understand that has been Andrew Luck’s birthright to one day replace an aging, decrepit Peyton Manning?

Titans 23 Texans 22 – The Houston/Cincinnati playoff game could very well be the lowest rated playoff game in NFL history.

Falcons 45 Buccaneers 24 – The Bucs might as well have forfeited the game allowing Fox to air old punt/pass/kick contests starring Andy Reid.

Ravens 24 Bengals 16 – Ray Rice is probably the most under-appreciated player in the NFL. Well, either Rice or Chiefs onside kickers extraordinaire Ryan Succop.

Steelers 13 Browns 9 – With Pittsburgh RB Rashard Mendenhall now missing next weeks playoff game in Denver, maybe head coach Mike Tomlin will finally suit up and relive some of his glory years with the ESU Timberwolves.

Chiefs 7 Broncos 3 – I can’t wait for the John Elway/John Fox combo to issue their latest passive aggressive vote of non confidence to Denver QB Tim Tebow.

Chargers 38 Raiders 26 – I for one am extremely pleased that San Diego will not be invited to this years playoffs. I smell a 45-42 second round upset over the Patriots.

Cardinals 23 Seahawks 20 – Arizona finishes the season 8-8. Back when Mike Singletary was coaching the 49ers, .500 was good enough to win the NFC West.

view from MetLife Stadium courtesy of @rickypalomino

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 17

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So here we are, Week 17, the final weekend of the 2011 NFL regular season. And while most of us are avoiding the internet as much as possible right now, it wouldn’t be fair to deprive you, the cyber audience, with at least one more NFL picks column. I’m sure we’ll be posting something insightful and irreverent on the playoffs but until then, enjoy one final trip around the NFL.

NFL Week 17

PHILADELPHIA (-8.5) over Washington – Nice to hear that it only took Nnamdi Asomugha, and the rest of the Eagles defense, only 15 weeks before buying into the schemes of new defensive coordinator Juan Castillo. I’m sure Castillo will be appreciative next season when he is back coaching the Eagles offensive line.

ATLANTA (-11.5) over Tampa Bay – The Falcons are playing to avoid the Saints in round 1 of the NFC playoffs while the Bucs are just looking to escape the Georgia Dome without being crapped on by a flock of feral pigeons.

San Francisco (-10.5) over ST. LOUIS – With a win, the Niners can wrap up a #2 seed and 1st round bye while a Rams loss positions STL for a chance at the #1 pick and Andrew Luck. Could see this one getting ugly early.

MINNESOTA (-1) over Chicago – I’d rather watch Ricky Rubio, Kevin Love and the Minnesota Timberwolves take on Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls than sit through 5 minutes of Joe Webb vs Josh McCown.

Detroit (-3.5) over GREEN BAY – To avoid injury, the Packers should make Aaron Rodgers watch this game from the lounge of the Titletown Brewing Company.

Carolina (+8) over NEW ORLEANS – Congrats to Cam Newton! You know you’ve made it when Dwyane Wade mocks you after sinking the game winning basket against the Charlotte Bobcats.

Tennessee (-3) over HOUSTON – Congrats to Titans head coach Mike Munchak on being the latest in what will be a long line of coaches to reject any and all overtures to return to Happy Valley.

CINCINNATI (+2.5) over Baltimore – The Ravens are too inconsistent on the road and the playoffs can always use more red headed quarterbacks like Andy Dalton.

Pittsburgh (-7) over CLEVELAND – If I’m Mike Tomlin I don’t even let Ben Roethlisberger on the team bus. A #2 or #5 seed shouldn’t matter to the battle tested Steelers anyway.

Indianapolis (+3.5) over JACKSONVILLE – I supposes it’s easy to be inspired by the notion that the Colts veterans are playing so hard down the stretch out of love and respect for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile in Jacksonville, MJD, there is more than one way to provide for your family.

MIAMI (-2.5) over NY Jets – Let the Rex Ryan to NFL Countdown rumors begin

NEW ENGLAND (-11) over Buffalo – Congrats to the Patriots on becoming the most vulnerable #1 seed in AFC history.

OAKLAND (-3) over San Diego – The Raiders are playing for everything while the Chargers are poised to sever ties with their head coach and GM. So basically what I’m saying is that there’s a good chance San Diego wins by double digits.

DENVER (-3.5) over Kansas City  – This Broncos team is going to have a legitimate shot at unseating either the Ravens/Steelers in the 1st round of the playoffs, even though they will be 7 point underdogs at home.

ARIZONA (-3) over Seattle – It’s truly unbelievable to think that one of these teams will finish the season at 8-8.

NY GIANTS (-3) over Dallas – What better way to nurse your New Year’s hangover than with a shot of NFC East drama. Literally everything is on the line in this game including the future of the head coaches, quarterbacks, and Dez Bryant’s savings account.

Last Week 8-8 (Overall 124-114)

view from the Holiday Bowl courtesy of @graysuitup

Fumblerooski: NFL Week 16

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NFL Week 16

Houston (-7) over INDIANAPOLIS – Now that the Colts have gotten the one win out of the way they can go back to focusing on securing the top pick and Andrew Luck. Now that Matt Barkley will return to USC for his senior year, teams in need of a QB will be lining up to make a deal with the well positioned Colts.

KANSAS CITY (-2.5) over Oakland – Todd Haley would probably still be coaching the Chiefs if he were a little more willing to play Kyle Orton instead of Tyler Palko. Instead, Haley, with scraggly beard and massive ego in tote, is probably busying himself by scouring the Amazon Gold Box for some last minute deals on kitchen appliances.

BUFFALO (+3) over Denver – C’mon Buffalo! How do yo expect to hold onto the Bills when you can’t even sellout a game against Timothy and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?

TENNESSEE (-7.5) over Jacksonville – I bummed this game isn’t being played in Jacksonville. I always love it when the grounds crew throws a little Santa hat on top of Jaguar logo. Reason enough to prevent the team from moving to Los Angeles.

Arizona (+4) over CINCINNATI – Sneaky great game with both teams still fighting for a spot in the playoffs. Who knew that a game between John Skelton and Andy Dalton could be so compelling.

Miami (+9.5) over NEW ENGLAND – Weird things always seem to happen when these two team play during the final few weeks of the NFL season. Like the time in 2003 when a major snowstorm buried the northeast in over 2 feet of snow, preventing my dad and I from reaching Gillette Stadium. We got as far as Route 1 in Foxboro before having to turn around due to traffic/lack of parking spaces. I’m still waiting for my refund Mr. Kraft.

BALTIMORE (-12.5) over Cleveland – How can anyone still presume that the Ravens are the favorites to win the AFC after the total egg they laid last Sunday in San Diego? You can usually tell within the first couple of snaps whether or not Joe Flacco has taken his medication and clearly, against the Chargers, he had yet to catch his “fix”.

NY Giants (+3) over NY JETS – Head says Jets. Heart says Giants. If anything, I’ll enjoy rooting for Tom Coughlin over Rex Ryan. Class Act > Hot Air.

WASHINGTON (-6.5) over Minnesota – Which coach looks like they have higher blood pressure: Mike Shanahan or Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly? I say Shanahan. He constantly looks like he fell asleep in a tanning bed.

CAROLINA (-7.5) over Tampa Bay – I’d like to thank Ron Rivera, Cam Newton, and maybe even Bum Phillips for inspring me to change the name of my weekly NFL picks column.

PITTSBURGH (-14) San Francisco – Poor Ben Roethlisberger. Even when he is genuinely injured his teammates still don’t believe him. Not that a healthy QB matters here, Steelers could win this game with Tyler Palko under center.

San Diego (+2.5) over DETROIT – I look for the Ford Field scoreboard to self combust by the end of the 3rd quarter when the score is already 45-42.

SEATTLE (+2.5) over San Francisco – Do you think Pete Carroll told Matt Barkley to stay in school for one more year until the Seahawks were in better position to draft the USC QB?

Philadelphia (+1.5) over DALLAS – We’re are only weeks away from the 8-8 Eagles hosting a first round playoff game.

GREEN BAY (-12) over Chicago – Caleb Hanie could probably use a good stiff drink right about now.

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Atlanta – Darren Sproles is an amazing football player especially when you realize that he is roughly the same size as Tom Cruise.

Last Week 7-9 (Overall 115-106)

view from Lucas Oil Stadium courtesy of @TawnyTaylorPB

College Bowl Swag: The Things They Carried

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I, like many sports fans, have a difficult time keeping up with all these CFB bowl games. For instance, until last night, who knew that there was such a thing as the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl? Or, for the matter, that there was such a thing called Beef ‘O’ Brady’s, which, by the way, looks like a really nice place to enjoy some Nachos ‘O’ Brady or perhaps some Cheesy Bacon Pub Chips.

Now, with these early bowl games, what interests me the most has very little to do with the who’s playing or the final score. No, the types of things that I care about regarding things like the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl or the Belk Bowl is 1) how empty is the stadium and 2) what kind of “swag” do players receive for their participation.

Tonight, for example, is the San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl between TCU and Louisiana Tech. And for their efforts, each player in the Poinsettia Bowl will receive a Best Buy gift card, Tourneau watch, hooded sweatshirt, and FlexFit cap. Let’s start with the gift card. My absolute favorite part about this gift is that all players must use the card during the scheduled team visit to the electronics superstore. Because lines at Best Buy weren’t long enough to begin with now I have to wait behind a group of 300 lbs linemen all wearing oversized track suits and smelling like a strange combination of Tex-Mex and Axe. I wonder what the most sought after item at Best Buy is for these players. I say either a PSP or pair of Beats headphones.

Next the Tourneau watch. By comparison, this is probably a much nicer watch than most of these players are used to wearing. Then again, since they are always on their smart phones to begin with, how many of these guys actually still uses a watch? I’m guessing that this is the most “regifted” item on the Poinsettia Bowl registry.

Don’t have all that much to say about either the sweatshirt or the FlexFit cap. Chances are, both of these items probably get more love/use from the players than either the watch or the Gossip Girl: Season 2 box set from Best Buy.

If you’d like to see the complete list of bowl games with the accompanying swag, look here. Otherwise, do what I’m doing and enjoy yourself a little preseason NBA hoops before the real deal begins on Christmas Day.

view from Qualcomm Stadium courtesy of @threalcatherine