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Fumblerooski: NFL Week 17

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Week 17

Packers 45 Lions 41 – Lots at stake in this game as Detroit needed a win to avoid playing the Saints in round 1 of the NFC playoffs while Packers backup QB Matt Flynn needed a big game to cash in as a free agent this summer. I guess you could say 480 yards and 6 TDs qualifies as a big game.

49ers 34 Rams 27 – San Fran locked up the #2 seed in the NFC playoffs and a very likely date with New Orleans in round 2. At this point, it’s pure speculation however I would imagine the Niners will be penciled in as +3.5 point underdogs at home to the Saints would should lead to all sorts of “We Get No Respect” t-shirts and signs in the Bay Area.

Dolphins 19 Jets 17 – Murphy’s Law. Jets OC Brian Schottenheimer called a less than inspired game. QB Mark Sanchez looked like a lost puppy. WR Santonio Holmes stomped his feet a little bit while head coach Rex Ryan sounded a little defensive in his post game press conference. Tune into WFAN tomorrow at around 1:02 for a little NY Jets spit roast courtesy of his excellency Mike Francesa.

Bears 17 Vikings 13 – Vikings DE Jared Allen ends the season with 22 sacks, .5 behind the all time leader Michael Strahan. As Peter King pointed out, this is just one more way for Kiln, Mississippi’s most recognizable wearer of Wrangler’s to mess with the hearts of Vikings nation.

Patriots 49 Bills 21 – This Patriots defense reminds me of one of the funniest moments from Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanors. Speaking of Woody Allen, finally watched Midnight in Paris over the holidays and I believe the entire film falls under the category of what Adam Carolla calls, “rich white guy problems”.

Saints 45 Panthers 17 – I’ll bet you any amount of money that when Dan Marino watches the Saints play he can’t help but imagine how many yards/touchdowns he would have thrown for had he played in era that does not allow defenders to lay a finger on receivers or come within breathing distance of a QB. In this era, the combination of Marino and the Marks (Duper/Clayton) would have gone for over 6,000 yards with 50 TDs.

Eagles 34 Redskins 10 – They should have played this game on ice. What’s that you say? The ice in Philadelphia is melting?

Jaguars 19 Colts 13 – Tony Dungy says the Colts will take a good, hard look at drafting Baylor QB Robert Griffin III with the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. The horror!!! Doesn’t Dungy understand that has been Andrew Luck’s birthright to one day replace an aging, decrepit Peyton Manning?

Titans 23 Texans 22 – The Houston/Cincinnati playoff game could very well be the lowest rated playoff game in NFL history.

Falcons 45 Buccaneers 24 – The Bucs might as well have forfeited the game allowing Fox to air old punt/pass/kick contests starring Andy Reid.

Ravens 24 Bengals 16 – Ray Rice is probably the most under-appreciated player in the NFL. Well, either Rice or Chiefs onside kickers extraordinaire Ryan Succop.

Steelers 13 Browns 9 – With Pittsburgh RB Rashard Mendenhall now missing next weeks playoff game in Denver, maybe head coach Mike Tomlin will finally suit up and relive some of his glory years with the ESU Timberwolves.

Chiefs 7 Broncos 3 – I can’t wait for the John Elway/John Fox combo to issue their latest passive aggressive vote of non confidence to Denver QB Tim Tebow.

Chargers 38 Raiders 26 – I for one am extremely pleased that San Diego will not be invited to this years playoffs. I smell a 45-42 second round upset over the Patriots.

Cardinals 23 Seahawks 20 – Arizona finishes the season 8-8. Back when Mike Singletary was coaching the 49ers, .500 was good enough to win the NFC West.

view from MetLife Stadium courtesy of @rickypalomino

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 17

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So here we are, Week 17, the final weekend of the 2011 NFL regular season. And while most of us are avoiding the internet as much as possible right now, it wouldn’t be fair to deprive you, the cyber audience, with at least one more NFL picks column. I’m sure we’ll be posting something insightful and irreverent on the playoffs but until then, enjoy one final trip around the NFL.

NFL Week 17

PHILADELPHIA (-8.5) over Washington – Nice to hear that it only took Nnamdi Asomugha, and the rest of the Eagles defense, only 15 weeks before buying into the schemes of new defensive coordinator Juan Castillo. I’m sure Castillo will be appreciative next season when he is back coaching the Eagles offensive line.

ATLANTA (-11.5) over Tampa Bay – The Falcons are playing to avoid the Saints in round 1 of the NFC playoffs while the Bucs are just looking to escape the Georgia Dome without being crapped on by a flock of feral pigeons.

San Francisco (-10.5) over ST. LOUIS – With a win, the Niners can wrap up a #2 seed and 1st round bye while a Rams loss positions STL for a chance at the #1 pick and Andrew Luck. Could see this one getting ugly early.

MINNESOTA (-1) over Chicago – I’d rather watch Ricky Rubio, Kevin Love and the Minnesota Timberwolves take on Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls than sit through 5 minutes of Joe Webb vs Josh McCown.

Detroit (-3.5) over GREEN BAY – To avoid injury, the Packers should make Aaron Rodgers watch this game from the lounge of the Titletown Brewing Company.

Carolina (+8) over NEW ORLEANS – Congrats to Cam Newton! You know you’ve made it when Dwyane Wade mocks you after sinking the game winning basket against the Charlotte Bobcats.

Tennessee (-3) over HOUSTON – Congrats to Titans head coach Mike Munchak on being the latest in what will be a long line of coaches to reject any and all overtures to return to Happy Valley.

CINCINNATI (+2.5) over Baltimore – The Ravens are too inconsistent on the road and the playoffs can always use more red headed quarterbacks like Andy Dalton.

Pittsburgh (-7) over CLEVELAND – If I’m Mike Tomlin I don’t even let Ben Roethlisberger on the team bus. A #2 or #5 seed shouldn’t matter to the battle tested Steelers anyway.

Indianapolis (+3.5) over JACKSONVILLE – I supposes it’s easy to be inspired by the notion that the Colts veterans are playing so hard down the stretch out of love and respect for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile in Jacksonville, MJD, there is more than one way to provide for your family.

MIAMI (-2.5) over NY Jets – Let the Rex Ryan to NFL Countdown rumors begin

NEW ENGLAND (-11) over Buffalo – Congrats to the Patriots on becoming the most vulnerable #1 seed in AFC history.

OAKLAND (-3) over San Diego – The Raiders are playing for everything while the Chargers are poised to sever ties with their head coach and GM. So basically what I’m saying is that there’s a good chance San Diego wins by double digits.

DENVER (-3.5) over Kansas City  – This Broncos team is going to have a legitimate shot at unseating either the Ravens/Steelers in the 1st round of the playoffs, even though they will be 7 point underdogs at home.

ARIZONA (-3) over Seattle – It’s truly unbelievable to think that one of these teams will finish the season at 8-8.

NY GIANTS (-3) over Dallas – What better way to nurse your New Year’s hangover than with a shot of NFC East drama. Literally everything is on the line in this game including the future of the head coaches, quarterbacks, and Dez Bryant’s savings account.

Last Week 8-8 (Overall 124-114)

view from the Holiday Bowl courtesy of @graysuitup

Fumblerooski: NFL Week 16

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NFL Week 16

Houston (-7) over INDIANAPOLIS – Now that the Colts have gotten the one win out of the way they can go back to focusing on securing the top pick and Andrew Luck. Now that Matt Barkley will return to USC for his senior year, teams in need of a QB will be lining up to make a deal with the well positioned Colts.

KANSAS CITY (-2.5) over Oakland – Todd Haley would probably still be coaching the Chiefs if he were a little more willing to play Kyle Orton instead of Tyler Palko. Instead, Haley, with scraggly beard and massive ego in tote, is probably busying himself by scouring the Amazon Gold Box for some last minute deals on kitchen appliances.

BUFFALO (+3) over Denver – C’mon Buffalo! How do yo expect to hold onto the Bills when you can’t even sellout a game against Timothy and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?

TENNESSEE (-7.5) over Jacksonville – I bummed this game isn’t being played in Jacksonville. I always love it when the grounds crew throws a little Santa hat on top of Jaguar logo. Reason enough to prevent the team from moving to Los Angeles.

Arizona (+4) over CINCINNATI – Sneaky great game with both teams still fighting for a spot in the playoffs. Who knew that a game between John Skelton and Andy Dalton could be so compelling.

Miami (+9.5) over NEW ENGLAND – Weird things always seem to happen when these two team play during the final few weeks of the NFL season. Like the time in 2003 when a major snowstorm buried the northeast in over 2 feet of snow, preventing my dad and I from reaching Gillette Stadium. We got as far as Route 1 in Foxboro before having to turn around due to traffic/lack of parking spaces. I’m still waiting for my refund Mr. Kraft.

BALTIMORE (-12.5) over Cleveland – How can anyone still presume that the Ravens are the favorites to win the AFC after the total egg they laid last Sunday in San Diego? You can usually tell within the first couple of snaps whether or not Joe Flacco has taken his medication and clearly, against the Chargers, he had yet to catch his “fix”.

NY Giants (+3) over NY JETS – Head says Jets. Heart says Giants. If anything, I’ll enjoy rooting for Tom Coughlin over Rex Ryan. Class Act > Hot Air.

WASHINGTON (-6.5) over Minnesota – Which coach looks like they have higher blood pressure: Mike Shanahan or Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly? I say Shanahan. He constantly looks like he fell asleep in a tanning bed.

CAROLINA (-7.5) over Tampa Bay – I’d like to thank Ron Rivera, Cam Newton, and maybe even Bum Phillips for inspring me to change the name of my weekly NFL picks column.

PITTSBURGH (-14) San Francisco – Poor Ben Roethlisberger. Even when he is genuinely injured his teammates still don’t believe him. Not that a healthy QB matters here, Steelers could win this game with Tyler Palko under center.

San Diego (+2.5) over DETROIT – I look for the Ford Field scoreboard to self combust by the end of the 3rd quarter when the score is already 45-42.

SEATTLE (+2.5) over San Francisco – Do you think Pete Carroll told Matt Barkley to stay in school for one more year until the Seahawks were in better position to draft the USC QB?

Philadelphia (+1.5) over DALLAS – We’re are only weeks away from the 8-8 Eagles hosting a first round playoff game.

GREEN BAY (-12) over Chicago – Caleb Hanie could probably use a good stiff drink right about now.

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Atlanta – Darren Sproles is an amazing football player especially when you realize that he is roughly the same size as Tom Cruise.

Last Week 7-9 (Overall 115-106)

view from Lucas Oil Stadium courtesy of @TawnyTaylorPB

Quick Snaps: NFL Week 15

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Quick Snaps: NFL Week 15

Dolphins 30 Bills 23 – By the time this game got interesting, the upper deck of Ralph Wilson Stadium had already cleared out and Reggie Bush was closing in on over 200 rushing yards. Even though Bush has had a solid season, I bet his old team the Saints are quite pleased to have 3rd down specialist Darren Sproles instead.

Saints 42 Vikings 20 – Speaking of New Orleans, QB Drew Brees is now only 304 passing yards away from breaking Dan Marino’s single season record of 5,084 set back in 1984. His performance against the Vikings, 412 yards and 5 TD’s, probably pulls hims just about even with Aaron Rodgers in the race for the NFL MVP.

Chiefs 19 Packers 14 – And while we’re on the subject of Rodgers, good for Romeo Crennel and the Kansas City Chiefs for ending Green Bay’s bid at a perfect season. And judging by the Chiefs reaction following the final whistle, it feels good to be free from the petulant gaze of recently fired head coach Todd Haley.

Seahawks 38 Bears 14 – Remember during last years NFC Championship game when we all thought Caleb Hanie could be the long term solution for the Bears and an injured Jay Cutler? Yeah, about that. Might be time to start reexamining the entire quarterback depth chart in Chicago. Maybe even think about giving Donovan McNabb a call, he’s got some free time.

Colts 27 Titans 13 – I called it! Well, sort of. I mean, I figured it was going to at least be close. But thanks to two former UConn Huskies, Dan Orlovsky and Donald Brown, Indianapolis gets off the schneid and can now begin focusing on trading Peyton Manning to the, gulp, Cowboys!?!

Bengals 20 Rams 13 – St. Louis has a ton of problems but I do not see how giving up on QB Sam Bradford is part of the solution. Unless of course you use a top pick on Robert Griffin III and unleash The Greatest Show on Turf version 2.0.

Redskins 23 Giants 10 – Pardon the Gmen for treating MetLife Stadium today like their own personal lavatory. That’s the kind of stench that lingers.

Panthers 28 Texans 13 – I love a good fumblerooski. That’s the kind of stuff we use to pull during recess. And for Houston, I guess Wade Phillips is really that important to the defense.

Lions 28 Raiders 27 – Megatron both won the game for Detroit and preserved, potentially, my fantasy football season. You’d have thought the Raiders would have put a man or two on him late in the 4th quarter.

Patriots 41 Broncos 23 – While we all rest our #teboners for a second, it’s quite possible that the two best tight ends in the NFL play on the same team. The pairing of Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski needs a nickname. How about “Smash and Dash” or “Snake and Chopper”?

Eagles 45 Jets 19 – I can’t believe this Philadelphia team still has a legitimate shot at making the playoffs. Andy Reid is like an old pair of underwear that just keeps turning up in your dresser.

Cardinals 20 Browns 17 – Would the Arizona front office look stupid if they cut ties with Kevin Kolb this offseason? The way I see it, things are going just fine with John Skelton leading the show in Glendale.

view from Qualcomm Stadium courtesy of @AnimalFarmMag

 

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 15

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Jacksonville (+13.5) over ATLANTA – Manchester, NH has a better chance of supporting an NFL team long term than Jacksonville.

Dallas (-6.5) over TAMPA BAY – There is very little reason to watch this game other than it’s Saturday night and your only other option is Love Actually on the Family Channel.

NY GIANTS (-6.5) over Washington – Chris Collinsworth was right, Jason Pierre-Paul really does look like an octopus.

Green Bay (-13.5) over KANSAS CITY – I can’t wait for Green Bay to go 18-0 before losing to the NY Giants in the Super Bowl.

New Orleans (-6.5) over MINNESOTA – Free Joe Webb!

CHICAGO (-3.5) over Seattle – This line could move to Seahawks (-3.5) once Sam Hurd’s “client list” is released. Seriously, you’re an NFL wide receiver making $1 million a year, what in the world inspires you to go out and sling crack rock outside the Morton’s Steakhouse in Rosemont?

BUFFALO (PK) over Miami – Now that Sparano has been fired, I can’t imagine this is a very motivated Dolphins team, especially since it will be 38 degrees and snowing on Sunday.

HOUSTON (-6) over Carolina – This one’s for Wade!

INDIANPOLIS (+6.5) over Tennessee – Dan Orlovsky was a huge fan of the back door cover going back to his days in Storrs, CT.

Cincinnati (-6.5) over ST. LOUIS – The worst part about that CBB brawl in the Queen City last weekend is that we now have to listen to all sorts of sportscasters and reporters mispronounce “X-zavier”.

OAKLAND (+1) over Detroit – I’d like to thank Calvin Johnson for helping me earn the top spot in my fantasy football playoffs and for single handedly costing me any chance of advancing past the first round. Megatron is dead to me.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over NY Jets – Being a New England Patriots fan in a New York television market has never been worse. Instead of Pats/Broncos in Denver, I’ll be stuck with Marv Albert and Rich Gannon live from the Linc. All I want for Christmas is Direct TV.

New England (-7) over DENVER- I feel bad for Lindsey Vonn. Marriage is a long time to wait before having sex again.

ARIZONA (-6.5) over Cleveland – I don’t think the NFL had Brad McCoy in mind when they thought about hiring independent neurologists to roam the sidelines during games. But you know what, he’s probably better than the trainers they have out in Cleveland.

Baltimore (-2.5) over SAN DIEGO – With a win here, Ravens can put Methuselah out of his misery once and for all.

Pittsburgh (+3) over SAN FRANCISCO – Roethlisberger you old sand-bagging SOB.

Last Week 6-10 (Overall 108-97)

view from the Georgia Dome courtesy of @kmillionaire