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The Tim Tebow Inspired Quarterback Exchange

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Tim Tebow is going to the New York Jets, or is it the Jacksonville Jaguars, which has been just about the best thing to happen to twitter since the earthquake that hit the east coast last August. Why his hometown Jacksonville Jaguars weren’t quick to pony up more than a 4th round draft pick is really hard to figure, especially when Tebow would help them put plenty of fannies in the seats. Since the NFL is a multi billion dollar business, why don’t more teams target local heroes/homegrown talent to become the face of their franchise? It almost makes too much sense.

What follows is a little quarterback relocation program where all 32 starting NFL quarterbacks are redistributed to a team closer to their hometown/where they went to college. Each quarterback is then compared to the player who they would be replacing in 2012.

Arizona: Ryan Fitzpatrick – The Harvard graduate would bring some much needed class to the desert. Once he arrives in Glendale the first thing on his agenda should be to shave his beard. Next, help orchestrate a Steve Nash for Jeremy Lin trade. UPGRADE

Atlanta – Cam Newton: Instantly, the Falcons become one of the most compelling/entertaining teams in the NFL. Yo could go so far as to call them the favorites to win the NFC. UPGRADE

Baltimore – Matt Schaub: Schaub looks like about 10 different people I know, including my brother in law who gets pretty pissed any time I mention this because he, like most men in their 30s, is really sensitive about his hairline. EVEN

Buffalo – Andy Dalton: Dalton is from Texas and went to TCU but you have no idea how hard it is to find an NFL quarterback who has a connection to upstate New York. Dairy farmers yes, football players not so much. EVEN

Carolina – Philip Rivers: Norv Turner has to be included in this package deal. EVEN

Chicago – Brady Quinn: Quinn, who will beat out Matt Cassel in KC, returns to the Windy City after playing his college ball at Notre Dame. Quick question, does the city of Chicago have more Michigan or Notre Dame fans? I say Michigan but what do I know. Every time I’m in Chicago I end up in a Michigan State bar. DOWNGRADE

Cincinnati – Jay Cutler: Did you know that Santa Claus, Indiana is only a 3 hour drive from Cincinnati? UPGRADE

Cleveland – Ben Roethlisberger: Huge coup for the Browns who finally get the franchise quarterback they have been waiting for since the days of Bernie Kosar. Slight disappointment for Big Ben who will now be forced to spend all of his off days loitering outside the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. UPGRADE

Dallas – Colt McCoy: It’s hard to believe that this would be the first time the Cowboys have had a starting quarterback named “Colt”.  DOWNGRADE

Denver – Alex Smith: John Elway secretly wishes Kordell Stewart was still in the league. DOWNGRADE

Detroit – Tom Brady: The rest of the NFC North shudders at the thought of Brady throwing 50 yard post patterns to Megatron. The only downside, not sure how many pairs of man Uggs Brady helps sell in the Detroit metro area. UPGRADE

Green Bay – Tony Romo: A return to Wisconsin for Romo means more rounds of golf at Whistling Straits. DOWNGRADE

Houston – Matthew Stafford: While working on this list, it was amazing to realize how many NFL quarterbacks come from the state of Texas. It’s like what they use to say about point guards from NYC or Republicans from Orange County . UPGRADE

Indianapolis – Drew Brees: The Purdue grad is a more than acceptable replacement for Peyton Manning, if he is able to beat out fellow Boilermaker Curtis Painter. UPGRADE

Jacksonville – Tim Tebow: This is where he has always belonged, assuming the Jets continue to have a difficult time understanding the fine print. UPGRADE

Kansas City – Josh Freeman: That afro plays anywhere. UPGRADE

Miami – Matt Flynn: Bit of a stretch but for what it’s worth, Flynn’s former offensive coordinator with the Green Bay Packers Joe Philbin is now the head coach of the Dolphins. EVEN

Minnesota – Carson Palmer: This makes a lot of sense, especially when the Vikings relocate to Southern California. UPGRADE

New England – Matt Hasselbeck: I’ll say this about Hasselbeck, you can’t accuse him of ever receiving a hair transplant. DOWNGRADE

New Orleans – Eli Manning: Eli returns home to play in the dome Archie built while NOLA is quick to forget all about Bountygate. Or so we thought. EVEN

New York Giants: Robert Griffin III – The Superman socks seal the deal as the GMen land a football hero to patrol the dangerous and uninviting swamps of Jersey/Metropolis. DOWNGRADE

New York Jets: John Skelton – Fordham’s own lasts about a half before Jets fans start calling into WFAN asking for the team to reacquire Mark Sanchez. Oh the irony. DOWNGRADE

Oakland: Andrew Luck -A silver & black renaissance! If only Al Davis were here to see it. UPGRADE

Philadelphia – Matt Ryan: Matty Ice isn’t nearly as good as Yuengling. DOWNGRADE

Pittsburgh – Joe Flacco: Do you think Dave Wannstedt  and his mustache still regret choosing Tyler Palko over Joe Flacco? DOWNGRADE 

St. Louis – Sam Bradford: If healthy EVEN. If AJ Feeley DOWNGRADE

San Diego – Mark Sanchez: Assuming that he remains the starter. For all we know the Chargers will try to trade for Tim Tebow in a shallow attempt to sell more tickets and light a fire under a guy who they just gave a contract extension. In twitter terms, #thejetsareafreakingmess. DOWNGRADE

San Francisco – Aaron Rodgers: Perfect fit for the team and player. The Niners become instant favorites to win the Super Bowl while Rodgers takes his Discount Double Check back to the Bay Area. UPGRADE

Seattle – Matt Moore: The Oregon State grad is a perfect fit in the Pacific Northwest, mostly because he’s currently the only starting quarterback who went to school in either Washington or Oregon. Where’s Drew Bledsoe or Ryan Leaf when you need them? NEUTRAL

Tampa Bay – Christian Ponder: This is only interesting if the Bucs also ditch the pewter for the creamsicle throwbacks. DOWNGRADE

Tennessee – Peyton Manning: This moves makes a ton of sense especially if the Titans would be willing to add a bit more orange to their uniforms and commit to playing at least 4 home games in Neyland Stadium. UPGRADE

Washington – Michael Vick: There was a time when Redskins owner Daniel Snyder would have mortgaged the entire future of the Washington franchise for an athletic quarterback with a rifle arm and Olympic sprinter speed. Oh right. UPGRADE

view from Jupiter courtesy of Eddie

The Lombardi Trophy Belongs to Lisbeth Salander

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At least now I can go back to rooting against Boston teams for the next 7 months. Also, I hope this second Super Bowl loss to the Giants in 4 years means the Patriots can finally switch back to their throwback Pat the Patriot uniforms. For New York, Mario Manningham now enters the lexicon right beside David Tyree. And Is Eli Manning really this good or just lucky? Does it even matter?

Tough to narrow it down to a single play for the New England offense, although an injured Gronkowski playing at 50% max capacity didn’t really enhance their chances. Tom Brady missed a few opportunities downfield during the 4th quarter and Wes Welker didn’t help out much either. At least we know Brady will be able to luxuriate comfortably in his 22,000 square foot mansion.

Finally, where was Rooney Mara, niece of Giants principal owner John Mara? Lisbeth Salander was about the only thing that could have saved the Lombardi trophy presentation.

Monday morning is going to be much longer than usual.

view from Indy courtesy of @davidsmoak

 

A Super Bowl Sized History of Bad Boston Ankles

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The most talked about ankle in Indianapolis this week belongs to Patriots tight end and Telemundo superstar Rob Gronkowski. After suffering a high ankle sprain in the AFC championship, courtesy of that guy Bernard Pollard, Gronk is officially listed as a “game time decision” for Super Bowl XVLI,which in Belichickian terms means “he’ll play because we’re injecting his ankle with Toradol and he won’t be able to feel anything below his waist”. My buddy Chip sent me a text this past week asking what’s the deal with Boston athletes and injuries to their lower extremities. This got me thinking, besides Gronkowski, what other sports stars from Beantown have had to overcome significant leg injuries at crucial points in their team’s season?

Thinking beyond sports, you can trace the roots of landscape altering Boston leg injuries all the way back to the Boston Massacre in 1770. If you look closely at Paul Revere’s famous engraving you can clearly see several New England “Patriots” strewn about the cobblestone streets outside of the Custom House with blood flowing from their faces, abdomen, and lower limb areas. Some historians have said that this Revere engraving was nothing more than a piece of propaganda intended to inspire colonists to revolt against their British masters. And while the Boston Massacre is typically considered one of the key moments leading up to the Revolutionary War, I choose to think of it as nothing more than an early instance of DNP – gunshot wound.

Perhaps the most famous ankle injury in the history of Boston belongs to Curt Schilling. His bloody sock from Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS against the New York Yankees will forever commemorate arguably the greatest comeback in sports history. I was in the building for this monumental occasion but didn’t know about his sutures popping until I got home later that evening and ESPN was beginning what would turn into nearly a decade straight of all Red Sox all the time. Sportcenter anchors like John Buccigross and Steve Berthiaume might as well work for NESN. The only thing that can possibly distract Bristol from their love affair with the Nation is Tim Tebow. I mean, Miguel Cabrera should show up to Spring Training drunk and riding a unicorn and all Baseball Tonight would be talking about is whether or not Mike Aviles is going to be the Red Sox fulltime right fielder. Thank god for Scott Van Pelt whose Maryland roots reminds us all that there are in fact other baseball teams besides the Red Sox and Yankees.

Back to Schilling for a second, some people still wonder if his bloody sock was all just an enormous ruse, not to be confused with rouge, an aging bombastic pitchers final chance at back page relevancy. Take Orioles broadcaster, and Maine native Gary Thorne, who went on the record and openly questioned the entire thing. So, what was that on his stirrup anyway: blood or one of the 57 varieties? If the Hall of Fame begins offering Shilling’s sock as a condiment in their cafeteria then I think we’ll have our answer.

Then there was Paul Pierce doing his best Nancy Kerrigan impression during Game 1 of the 1998 NBA Finals against the Los Angeles Lakers. Only this time Jeff Gillooly and his police baton were no where to be found. Skeptics would later wonder why The Truth would require the services of a wheelchair for an “injury” that would only kept him out of action for less than a quarters worth of game action. Was it scripted? Did Vince McMahon suddenly hijack the NBA offices in NYC and hog tie Commissioner Stern to his private bathroom stall? Did Tonya Harding pay Kendrick Perkins to injure his teammate much like she brokered the deal in Detroit with her ex-husband?  To be completely fair to Kerrigan, a native of Woburn, Mass, the hematoma on her shin lasted much longer than any of the damage to Pierce’s sprained knee ligaments. Fans have since forgiven their captain as he would go on to lead the Celtics to their first NBA Championship in 22 years.

And while other famous Boston sports figures like Tommy Heinsohn and Booby Orr have probably experienced their fair share of high and low ankle injuries, it’s time to bring the focus back to Rob Gronkowski and Super Bowl XLVI. I like New England for two main reasons: 1) most of my friends, including my contrarian wife who thinks Eli Manning is a “super” nice guy, are picking the Giants to win and 2) now that Tim Tebow is out of the playoffs, God is clearly on Tom Brady’s side.

If Gronk plays it opens up the rest of the underneath for Wes Welker and Super Bowl XLVI MVP Aaron Hernandez. If Gronk doesn’t play then the Patriots will have to rely a bit more on their underrated running game (LAWFIRM!!!) and perhaps a few big plays down the field to either Deion Branch or (gulp) Chad Ochocinco. If Ochocinco ends up being the difference in this game you may find me Monday morning curled up in a fetal position next to my refrigerator.

Final Score: Patriots 34 Giants 31

MVP: Aaron Hernandez

Enjoy the game everybody!!!

view from Lucas Oil Stadium courtesy of @timdahlberg 

Patriots, Giants Set for Super Bowl Rematch and I’m Already Sick of David Tyree

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Patriots 23 Ravens 20 – New England dodged a bullet, maybe two, on route to Indianapolis. First Lee Evans fails to secure what would have been the game winning touchdown and then Baltimore kicker Billy Cundiff misses the tying field goal, making us all instantly forget about Scott Norwood. Joe Flacco proved to be much more capable than Ed Reed expected while Tom Brady kind of played like a guy worried about how he was going to regulate the temperature in his new 22,000 square feet mansion. Although, it’s tough to give the Ravens QB too much credit when most smartphones continue to autocorrect his last name to “Flaccid”.

And as a Patriots fan I’ll be happy to never see Bernard Pollard again. First Brady. Then Welker. And now today Gronkowski. That man must have a personal vendetta against the entire Kraft family. Either that or he collects ACL’s like Lt. Aldo Raine collects scalps. If I’m Bill Belichick I assign a member of my coaching staff to scout out the Lucas Oil Stadium parking lot just in case Pollard is hiding behind Peyton Manning’s burnt orange Ford F-150 waiting to lunge at Aaron Hernandez with a tire iron.

Speaking of Indianapolis, it would have been a nice story if the Baltimore Football Team of Today would have had a chance to play for a Super Bowl Championship in the city that stole the Baltimore Football Team of Yesteryear. How many shots of the Mayflower trucks pulling out of Colts headquarters would we have had to endure? Alas, as @sethmeyers21 points out, probably an unhealthy number of National Bohemian’s being consumed tonight down by the docks in Baltimore harbor.

Giants 20 49ers 17 – Somebody needs to explain why it looked so dark on the Candlestick Park field. Did they borrow a set of portable lights from a local high school? Did Jed York forget to pay his electrical bill? Forgot about the wet weather, as a receiver it must be next to impossible to catch a ball when it’s being thrown down a dimly lit alley. Maybe that’s why the game was decided on special teams.

My favorite part of the game came during the first half when Eli Manning was caught off guard then broke into an Irish jig. Those dance moves will come in handy when older brother Peyton shows him around the best juke joints central Indiana has to offer. I bet you Cooper Manning knows how to twirl a glow stick.

 

 

 

 

How the Tuck Rule Game Changed My Life Forever (or at least the last decade)

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My good buddy Lucas reminded me that yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of the “Tuck Rule Game” otherwise known as “the day when I officially became a New England Patriots fan”. You see, I was an NFL orphan, having been abandoned by Dan Marino and the Miami Dolphins at the end of the 1999 season. A decade ago, as an impressionable college senior in the middle of nowhere Maine, I was surrounded by a bunch of Patriot lifers who graciously accepted my into their then modest fraternity as one of their own.

Now just to be clear, I am willing to compromise my already tenuous hold on the Patriot Way by telling you that if it weren’t for the 3 Super Bowls and Tom Brady I probably would have already moved on to another team like, gulp, maybe even the Baltimore Ravens. But on this, the 3,651 day since Charles Woodson DID NOT cause a Tom Brady fumble, I’m proud to say that I continue to support Pat the Patriot. That is until the Miami Dolphins trade up to draft RGIII and I bound up the attic staircase to dust off the old teal and white #13 jersey.

NEW ENGLAND (-6) over Baltimore – As a Pats fan, this is going to sound crazy but I kinda hope Joe Flacco plays well on Sunday, even if it means the game is going to be much closer than it would have been otherwise. I just can’t stand to hear anymore criticism, either from the media or his teammates, especially when he has led his team to the playoffs each of his first 4 years in the league. The Baltimore media is so Ravens crazy right now that they have started to pursue a story regarding Flacco skateboarding in his driveway over the bye week like it was some sort of egregious breach of contract. The Sun and WBAL should be directing more of their venom towards the Orioles and the problems they’re having bringing star players back for the team’s FanFest this weekend. Oh that’s right, I forgot the Birds are all but dead to the Charm City this, or any, time of the year anyway. Sigh

San Francisco (-2.5) over NY GIANTS –  As Mike Francesa says, it’s been “monsooning” all week long in the Bay Area. Which team benefits from the sloppy conditions, depends on who you ask. I say it’s a complete wash and this game goes down to the final possession. The reason I’m picking the Niners is because otherwise I’ll have “Occupy Tyree” and prevent the former Giants WR from giving any interviews over the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl in Indianapolis. Some pain is just impossible to overcome.

view from The Razor courtesy of @MikeReiss