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Fumblerooski: Wild Card Weekend – Sunday Edition

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Giants 24 Falcons 2 – I’m contractually obligated to say just a few brief words about this game even though it failed to live up to most people’s expectations. The Giants ran the ball well, WR Hakeem Nicks had a few big plays, and Atlanta head coach Mike Smith’s 4th down play calling was less than spectacular. A few inches to go and you call a quarterback sneak not once but twice? FYI, when you empty the backfield the defense knows the quarterback is keeping the ball. In fairness to the Falcons head coach, on both those keepers Matt Ryan looked like an awkward turtle tipped over onto its shell with legs and arms helplessly flailing in the air. It may help the Atlanta QB to review some tape of Tom Brady. Nobody runs the QB sneak better than the Patriots signal caller.

Now the Gmen head to the Frozen Tundra to take on the Packers in what will be a rematch of the 2007 NFC Championship Game. Only this time Aaron Rodgers leads GB onto the field while He Who Shall Not Be Named films another Wrangler tv spot with Dale Earnhardt Jr., Larry the Cable Guy, and Mitt  Romney.

Broncos 29 Steelers 23 – Now how was that an improvement on the old overtime rules? So now in the playoffs each teams gets a possession starting from their 20 yard line UNLESS one of the teams scores a touchdown on its initial possession. What about a touchdown during the second possession? Does that not end the game? Frankly, these new rules are twice as confusing as the old ones and I don’t see how it’s much of an improvement over sudden death.

It looks like we all underestimated the power of Tim Tebow once again. Perhaps the most significant offender was Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau who was caught rolling his safeties down towards the line of scrimmage exposing the deep middle of the field one too many times. Tebow and WR Demarious Thomas took advantage of the Pittsburgh Steelers hubris and now head to Foxboro already penciled as +14 point underdogs. At least ESPN is going to have plenty to talk about this week.

view from Sports Authority Field courtesy of @9NewsKUSA Yes that ring of clouds looks like a halo. And yes, I too believe in football miracles.

Fumblerooski: Wild Card Weekend – Saturday Edition

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Texans 31 Bengals 10 – T.J. Yates spent his Wild Card Weekend suffering from a tragic case of mistaken identity. Sure, the rookie 5th round draft pick out of UNC helped lead the Texans to their first ever playoff victory Saturday afternoon. Even with his on field success, most fans still can’t believe that a guy named T.J. Yates is a starting QB in the playoffs. After a little street polling, here’s a list of the top 3 mistaken identities for the Houston Texans QB.

#3: Ski Patrol, Telluride, CO: The association here is most likely a product of the straight to VHS classic Aspen Extreme. Back in college, my roommate had an old VCR and we kept about 3 movies in the permanent rotation. One of those movies was Aspen Extreme, which is really a terrible piece of low budget cinema. However, because it was college and we had some time to kill, this didn’t stop of from over quoting the movie like it was Caddyshack  or Animal House. And most of the lines weren’t even that funny, ranging from things like “TJ Burke Salad baby!!!” and “But Teej, her earrings are bigger than my nuts.”. See, about as funny as you would have imagined.

#2: Bond Trader, Stamford, CT: Sounds like any given number of ex frat boy muscleheads who spend their Tuesday night’s at Bobby Valentine’s talking about how they could have totally found a job in the city if they wanted to but instead chose The City that Works because it’s where all the REAL action is. The T.J. is probably short for something like “Tiberius Jedidiah Yates IV” and he can no doubt trace his family crest all the way back to the Mayflower. In fact, John Winthrop probably gave him his first job w/ UBS. Couple of jagger bombs with these guys and you’ll be arrested for assaulting a police horse outside of a massage parlor.

#1: Head of NASCAR pit crew, Charlotte, NC: I think there really is a T.J. Yates in charge of Jimmy Johnson Racing. If not, we know what the real T.J. Yates will be doing next football season when Matt Schaub returns to action.

Back to the game for a second. Things played out kind of how we all expected them to. Niether rookie QB, Yates or Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton, looked all that impressive while the Houston defense and RB Arian Foster carried the Texans to victory. The play of the game came from Texans defensive end, and former Wisconsin Badger J.J. Watt, who had an unbelievably athletic interception return for a touchdown. Almost makes up for the 2010 Rose Bowl. Almost.

Saints 45 Lions 28 – Is it possible for Matt Stafford to not look hungover in those player video/picture combos NBC uses to introduce the starting lineups? Talk about jagger bombs, Stafford always looks like a total mess. I could see a Detroit PR guy ambling over to Stafford’s house in Bloomfield Hills and pulling the QB out from underneath the beer pong table while then proceeding to throw the bloated QB in the shower like he were Dennis Hooper in Hoosiers. You know what they say, there’s no cure for the common hangover quite like Calvin Johnson.

Speaking of Megatron, am I the only one who is starting to feel like all if this crazy video game scoring/offense in the NFL right now isn’t very interesting anymore? Would it kill one of these playoff defenses to stop the opposing team? There was a point last night where I thought the officials should have just switched to overtime rules immediately and given each team a possession from the 30 yard line rather than have them waste our time as they march down the entirety of the field in something like 5 plays.

With the win, the Saints move on to face San Francisco next Saturday in a game where a lot of folks are going to talk themselves into picking the 49ers because it’s being played at Candlestick and they have a good defense. But, in doing so you’ll be making one salient mistake and that is that San Fran’s QB is still Alex Smith. I don’t care how many Harbaugh’s you have coaching the team, Alex Smith remains a classic game manager. Which is probably why Trent Dilfer has him rated so highly on ESPN’s new QB metric thingamabob. On second thought, Smith is 22 out of a total of 34 QB’s, so even the stat heads agree.

view from Reliant Stadium courtesy of @HoustonTexans 

view from the Superdome courtesy of @risapr1

 

If Gambling Were Legal: Wild Card Weekend

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Before starting in on Wild Card weekend, I thought I would take a few lines of prose to discuss how much pain I have endured this past week because of my adopted love the Wisconsin Badgers. First Monday and the Rose Bowl. Heading into the game I felt that the Badgers offense could keep up with the Flying Prefontaine’s from Eugene. Sure enough, Wisco kept pace in Pasadena, and if it weren’t for some questionable clock management, they could have walked away smelling roses. When Russell Wilson went to spike the ball with :02 seconds remaining, my first thought was: perfect, just enough time to run one final play. But then the clock struck :00 and the replay booth confirmed my greatest fear that :02 was not enough time for two plays. Of course, this wouldn’t have been a problem if either a) the offense had a play called for exactly this situation or b) Bret Bielema didn’t treat his second half timeouts like old receipts from the grocery store.

If Monday weren’t painful enough, the next night back in Madison at the Kohl Center proved to be just as perplexing. The Mayans predicted two things would happen in 2012. #1: The world will come to an end and #2: all digital clocks would be synched. How can you expect Big Ten officials to make a fair decision when one clock read .2 seconds while the other showed .0? Whatever the case, the Ryan Evans would be game tying triple didn’t count and Bo Ryan loses another heartbreaker to Sparty.

Wild Card Weekend

Saturday

HOUSTON (-3) over Cincinnati – Watching this years Rose Bowl brought me back to the 2011 edition when Wisconsin lost to the Andy Dalton led TCU team. I have yet to forgive Dalton and do not wish him any luck as he leads his Benglas against the Texans. Speaking of Houston, that failed two point conversion against the Texans was totally scripted. Probably by Mike Francesa who would have given anything for the NY Jets to miss the playoffs including his subscription to Horse and Hound.

Detroit (+10.5) over NEW ORLEANS – As a sports fan, there’d be no better place to be this weekend than NOLA. With both the NFL playoffs AND the CFB National Championship taking place in the Superdome, I would pay a pretty penny for safe passage to the Big Easy. Of course, with prices these days, I’d probably have better luck becoming a butt sniffing corporate hanger oner just punching his time sheet until the next handout.

Sunday

NY Giants (-3) over Atlanta – If there is one thing I can guarantee you about the New York Giants is to expect the unexpected. That, and if you are going to spend a billion dollars building a new stadium, the least you can do is give it some personality. Geez. MetLife Stadium is about as charismatic as Nick Saban who, coincidentally, I’m also convinced is getting shorter and shorter.

DENVER (+8.5) over Pittsburgh – Those footsteps you hear belong to Brady Quinn. Yes, that Brady Quinn. ALso, don’t be surprised if you see John Elway rushing onto the field to pull the plug on Tim Tebow himself before the Broncos QB self combusts all over himself like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber.

view from the Rose Bowl courtesy of @lucy_nicholson

Fumblerooski: NFL Week 17

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Week 17

Packers 45 Lions 41 – Lots at stake in this game as Detroit needed a win to avoid playing the Saints in round 1 of the NFC playoffs while Packers backup QB Matt Flynn needed a big game to cash in as a free agent this summer. I guess you could say 480 yards and 6 TDs qualifies as a big game.

49ers 34 Rams 27 – San Fran locked up the #2 seed in the NFC playoffs and a very likely date with New Orleans in round 2. At this point, it’s pure speculation however I would imagine the Niners will be penciled in as +3.5 point underdogs at home to the Saints would should lead to all sorts of “We Get No Respect” t-shirts and signs in the Bay Area.

Dolphins 19 Jets 17 – Murphy’s Law. Jets OC Brian Schottenheimer called a less than inspired game. QB Mark Sanchez looked like a lost puppy. WR Santonio Holmes stomped his feet a little bit while head coach Rex Ryan sounded a little defensive in his post game press conference. Tune into WFAN tomorrow at around 1:02 for a little NY Jets spit roast courtesy of his excellency Mike Francesa.

Bears 17 Vikings 13 – Vikings DE Jared Allen ends the season with 22 sacks, .5 behind the all time leader Michael Strahan. As Peter King pointed out, this is just one more way for Kiln, Mississippi’s most recognizable wearer of Wrangler’s to mess with the hearts of Vikings nation.

Patriots 49 Bills 21 – This Patriots defense reminds me of one of the funniest moments from Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanors. Speaking of Woody Allen, finally watched Midnight in Paris over the holidays and I believe the entire film falls under the category of what Adam Carolla calls, “rich white guy problems”.

Saints 45 Panthers 17 – I’ll bet you any amount of money that when Dan Marino watches the Saints play he can’t help but imagine how many yards/touchdowns he would have thrown for had he played in era that does not allow defenders to lay a finger on receivers or come within breathing distance of a QB. In this era, the combination of Marino and the Marks (Duper/Clayton) would have gone for over 6,000 yards with 50 TDs.

Eagles 34 Redskins 10 – They should have played this game on ice. What’s that you say? The ice in Philadelphia is melting?

Jaguars 19 Colts 13 – Tony Dungy says the Colts will take a good, hard look at drafting Baylor QB Robert Griffin III with the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. The horror!!! Doesn’t Dungy understand that has been Andrew Luck’s birthright to one day replace an aging, decrepit Peyton Manning?

Titans 23 Texans 22 – The Houston/Cincinnati playoff game could very well be the lowest rated playoff game in NFL history.

Falcons 45 Buccaneers 24 – The Bucs might as well have forfeited the game allowing Fox to air old punt/pass/kick contests starring Andy Reid.

Ravens 24 Bengals 16 – Ray Rice is probably the most under-appreciated player in the NFL. Well, either Rice or Chiefs onside kickers extraordinaire Ryan Succop.

Steelers 13 Browns 9 – With Pittsburgh RB Rashard Mendenhall now missing next weeks playoff game in Denver, maybe head coach Mike Tomlin will finally suit up and relive some of his glory years with the ESU Timberwolves.

Chiefs 7 Broncos 3 – I can’t wait for the John Elway/John Fox combo to issue their latest passive aggressive vote of non confidence to Denver QB Tim Tebow.

Chargers 38 Raiders 26 – I for one am extremely pleased that San Diego will not be invited to this years playoffs. I smell a 45-42 second round upset over the Patriots.

Cardinals 23 Seahawks 20 – Arizona finishes the season 8-8. Back when Mike Singletary was coaching the 49ers, .500 was good enough to win the NFC West.

view from MetLife Stadium courtesy of @rickypalomino

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 17

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So here we are, Week 17, the final weekend of the 2011 NFL regular season. And while most of us are avoiding the internet as much as possible right now, it wouldn’t be fair to deprive you, the cyber audience, with at least one more NFL picks column. I’m sure we’ll be posting something insightful and irreverent on the playoffs but until then, enjoy one final trip around the NFL.

NFL Week 17

PHILADELPHIA (-8.5) over Washington – Nice to hear that it only took Nnamdi Asomugha, and the rest of the Eagles defense, only 15 weeks before buying into the schemes of new defensive coordinator Juan Castillo. I’m sure Castillo will be appreciative next season when he is back coaching the Eagles offensive line.

ATLANTA (-11.5) over Tampa Bay – The Falcons are playing to avoid the Saints in round 1 of the NFC playoffs while the Bucs are just looking to escape the Georgia Dome without being crapped on by a flock of feral pigeons.

San Francisco (-10.5) over ST. LOUIS – With a win, the Niners can wrap up a #2 seed and 1st round bye while a Rams loss positions STL for a chance at the #1 pick and Andrew Luck. Could see this one getting ugly early.

MINNESOTA (-1) over Chicago – I’d rather watch Ricky Rubio, Kevin Love and the Minnesota Timberwolves take on Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls than sit through 5 minutes of Joe Webb vs Josh McCown.

Detroit (-3.5) over GREEN BAY – To avoid injury, the Packers should make Aaron Rodgers watch this game from the lounge of the Titletown Brewing Company.

Carolina (+8) over NEW ORLEANS – Congrats to Cam Newton! You know you’ve made it when Dwyane Wade mocks you after sinking the game winning basket against the Charlotte Bobcats.

Tennessee (-3) over HOUSTON – Congrats to Titans head coach Mike Munchak on being the latest in what will be a long line of coaches to reject any and all overtures to return to Happy Valley.

CINCINNATI (+2.5) over Baltimore – The Ravens are too inconsistent on the road and the playoffs can always use more red headed quarterbacks like Andy Dalton.

Pittsburgh (-7) over CLEVELAND – If I’m Mike Tomlin I don’t even let Ben Roethlisberger on the team bus. A #2 or #5 seed shouldn’t matter to the battle tested Steelers anyway.

Indianapolis (+3.5) over JACKSONVILLE – I supposes it’s easy to be inspired by the notion that the Colts veterans are playing so hard down the stretch out of love and respect for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile in Jacksonville, MJD, there is more than one way to provide for your family.

MIAMI (-2.5) over NY Jets – Let the Rex Ryan to NFL Countdown rumors begin

NEW ENGLAND (-11) over Buffalo – Congrats to the Patriots on becoming the most vulnerable #1 seed in AFC history.

OAKLAND (-3) over San Diego – The Raiders are playing for everything while the Chargers are poised to sever ties with their head coach and GM. So basically what I’m saying is that there’s a good chance San Diego wins by double digits.

DENVER (-3.5) over Kansas City  – This Broncos team is going to have a legitimate shot at unseating either the Ravens/Steelers in the 1st round of the playoffs, even though they will be 7 point underdogs at home.

ARIZONA (-3) over Seattle – It’s truly unbelievable to think that one of these teams will finish the season at 8-8.

NY GIANTS (-3) over Dallas – What better way to nurse your New Year’s hangover than with a shot of NFC East drama. Literally everything is on the line in this game including the future of the head coaches, quarterbacks, and Dez Bryant’s savings account.

Last Week 8-8 (Overall 124-114)

view from the Holiday Bowl courtesy of @graysuitup