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Fumblerooski: NFL Week 16

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NFL Week 16

Houston (-7) over INDIANAPOLIS – Now that the Colts have gotten the one win out of the way they can go back to focusing on securing the top pick and Andrew Luck. Now that Matt Barkley will return to USC for his senior year, teams in need of a QB will be lining up to make a deal with the well positioned Colts.

KANSAS CITY (-2.5) over Oakland – Todd Haley would probably still be coaching the Chiefs if he were a little more willing to play Kyle Orton instead of Tyler Palko. Instead, Haley, with scraggly beard and massive ego in tote, is probably busying himself by scouring the Amazon Gold Box for some last minute deals on kitchen appliances.

BUFFALO (+3) over Denver – C’mon Buffalo! How do yo expect to hold onto the Bills when you can’t even sellout a game against Timothy and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?

TENNESSEE (-7.5) over Jacksonville – I bummed this game isn’t being played in Jacksonville. I always love it when the grounds crew throws a little Santa hat on top of Jaguar logo. Reason enough to prevent the team from moving to Los Angeles.

Arizona (+4) over CINCINNATI – Sneaky great game with both teams still fighting for a spot in the playoffs. Who knew that a game between John Skelton and Andy Dalton could be so compelling.

Miami (+9.5) over NEW ENGLAND – Weird things always seem to happen when these two team play during the final few weeks of the NFL season. Like the time in 2003 when a major snowstorm buried the northeast in over 2 feet of snow, preventing my dad and I from reaching Gillette Stadium. We got as far as Route 1 in Foxboro before having to turn around due to traffic/lack of parking spaces. I’m still waiting for my refund Mr. Kraft.

BALTIMORE (-12.5) over Cleveland – How can anyone still presume that the Ravens are the favorites to win the AFC after the total egg they laid last Sunday in San Diego? You can usually tell within the first couple of snaps whether or not Joe Flacco has taken his medication and clearly, against the Chargers, he had yet to catch his “fix”.

NY Giants (+3) over NY JETS – Head says Jets. Heart says Giants. If anything, I’ll enjoy rooting for Tom Coughlin over Rex Ryan. Class Act > Hot Air.

WASHINGTON (-6.5) over Minnesota – Which coach looks like they have higher blood pressure: Mike Shanahan or Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly? I say Shanahan. He constantly looks like he fell asleep in a tanning bed.

CAROLINA (-7.5) over Tampa Bay – I’d like to thank Ron Rivera, Cam Newton, and maybe even Bum Phillips for inspring me to change the name of my weekly NFL picks column.

PITTSBURGH (-14) San Francisco – Poor Ben Roethlisberger. Even when he is genuinely injured his teammates still don’t believe him. Not that a healthy QB matters here, Steelers could win this game with Tyler Palko under center.

San Diego (+2.5) over DETROIT – I look for the Ford Field scoreboard to self combust by the end of the 3rd quarter when the score is already 45-42.

SEATTLE (+2.5) over San Francisco – Do you think Pete Carroll told Matt Barkley to stay in school for one more year until the Seahawks were in better position to draft the USC QB?

Philadelphia (+1.5) over DALLAS – We’re are only weeks away from the 8-8 Eagles hosting a first round playoff game.

GREEN BAY (-12) over Chicago – Caleb Hanie could probably use a good stiff drink right about now.

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Atlanta – Darren Sproles is an amazing football player especially when you realize that he is roughly the same size as Tom Cruise.

Last Week 7-9 (Overall 115-106)

view from Lucas Oil Stadium courtesy of @TawnyTaylorPB

College Bowl Swag: The Things They Carried

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I, like many sports fans, have a difficult time keeping up with all these CFB bowl games. For instance, until last night, who knew that there was such a thing as the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl? Or, for the matter, that there was such a thing called Beef ‘O’ Brady’s, which, by the way, looks like a really nice place to enjoy some Nachos ‘O’ Brady or perhaps some Cheesy Bacon Pub Chips.

Now, with these early bowl games, what interests me the most has very little to do with the who’s playing or the final score. No, the types of things that I care about regarding things like the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl or the Belk Bowl is 1) how empty is the stadium and 2) what kind of “swag” do players receive for their participation.

Tonight, for example, is the San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl between TCU and Louisiana Tech. And for their efforts, each player in the Poinsettia Bowl will receive a Best Buy gift card, Tourneau watch, hooded sweatshirt, and FlexFit cap. Let’s start with the gift card. My absolute favorite part about this gift is that all players must use the card during the scheduled team visit to the electronics superstore. Because lines at Best Buy weren’t long enough to begin with now I have to wait behind a group of 300 lbs linemen all wearing oversized track suits and smelling like a strange combination of Tex-Mex and Axe. I wonder what the most sought after item at Best Buy is for these players. I say either a PSP or pair of Beats headphones.

Next the Tourneau watch. By comparison, this is probably a much nicer watch than most of these players are used to wearing. Then again, since they are always on their smart phones to begin with, how many of these guys actually still uses a watch? I’m guessing that this is the most “regifted” item on the Poinsettia Bowl registry.

Don’t have all that much to say about either the sweatshirt or the FlexFit cap. Chances are, both of these items probably get more love/use from the players than either the watch or the Gossip Girl: Season 2 box set from Best Buy.

If you’d like to see the complete list of bowl games with the accompanying swag, look here. Otherwise, do what I’m doing and enjoy yourself a little preseason NBA hoops before the real deal begins on Christmas Day.

view from Qualcomm Stadium courtesy of @threalcatherine

Scores of Los Angeles Transplants Flee Lakers for Clippers Bandwagon

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Very rarely do I make a point of watching preseason NBA basketball, especially when it’s going up against a pivotal NFL Week 15 Monday Night Football game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the San Francisco 49ers. However, last night was different because this just wasn’t any other preseason basketball game, this was the Los Angeles Clippers against the Los Angeles Lakers. The Clippers, as you know, just completed a blockbuster trade for all star point guard Chris Paul which occurred after NBA Commissioner David “Big Daddy” Stern threw his considerable weight behind blocking a proposed deal that would have sent the prolific Paul to the Lakers. Now, amidst rumors the Lakers could be on the verge of acquiring Magic center Dwight Howard, the “Battle Los Angeles” has been racheted up several notches as we approach the start of the 2011-12 NBA regular season.

Here a few highlights/impressions from last night’s preseason Clippers/Lakers game live from the Big Office Supply Warehouse.

a – Any victory over the Big Brother Lakers is a big victory for the Red Headed Step Child Clippers. So while most will look at 114-95 as nothing more than the final byproduct of a glorified scrimmage, to me it is the first sign of an earthquake sized paradigm shift in the City of Angels. Fact: the Los Angeles Clippers will be a much more entertaining basketball team to watch than the LA Lakers. I’m guessing a 4/5 seed and a birth into the second round of the Western Conference Playoffs.

b – I’d had no idea that “jeggings” were permitted in the NBA. Whatever gray “layering” Kobe Bryant seems to be wearing over his upper legs/knees it does very little to cover up all the excess mileage on those 33 year old legs.

c – DeAndre Jordan doesn’t need to take a shot outside of the paint, not when he’s 7′ tall and plays a good 4′ over the rim. Did you see his 1st quarter dunk last night? Aggressive. Assertive. It was like something out of NBA Jam. It was so terrifying that I almost felt sorry for Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum.

d – When did Caron Butler come to the Clippers? If healthy, he could be the invauluble “glue” guy that holds the team together on both ends of the court.

e – And finally, I know Simmons has already made this observation, but in all seriousness, when did the Los Angeles Lakers turn into the Indiana Pacers? Josh McRoberts? Troy Murphy? They’re a Bobby Plump away from recreating the 1954 Indiana State Championship team.

view from the Staples Center courtesy of @itsChawwnney

Quick Snaps: NFL Week 15

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Quick Snaps: NFL Week 15

Dolphins 30 Bills 23 – By the time this game got interesting, the upper deck of Ralph Wilson Stadium had already cleared out and Reggie Bush was closing in on over 200 rushing yards. Even though Bush has had a solid season, I bet his old team the Saints are quite pleased to have 3rd down specialist Darren Sproles instead.

Saints 42 Vikings 20 – Speaking of New Orleans, QB Drew Brees is now only 304 passing yards away from breaking Dan Marino’s single season record of 5,084 set back in 1984. His performance against the Vikings, 412 yards and 5 TD’s, probably pulls hims just about even with Aaron Rodgers in the race for the NFL MVP.

Chiefs 19 Packers 14 – And while we’re on the subject of Rodgers, good for Romeo Crennel and the Kansas City Chiefs for ending Green Bay’s bid at a perfect season. And judging by the Chiefs reaction following the final whistle, it feels good to be free from the petulant gaze of recently fired head coach Todd Haley.

Seahawks 38 Bears 14 – Remember during last years NFC Championship game when we all thought Caleb Hanie could be the long term solution for the Bears and an injured Jay Cutler? Yeah, about that. Might be time to start reexamining the entire quarterback depth chart in Chicago. Maybe even think about giving Donovan McNabb a call, he’s got some free time.

Colts 27 Titans 13 – I called it! Well, sort of. I mean, I figured it was going to at least be close. But thanks to two former UConn Huskies, Dan Orlovsky and Donald Brown, Indianapolis gets off the schneid and can now begin focusing on trading Peyton Manning to the, gulp, Cowboys!?!

Bengals 20 Rams 13 – St. Louis has a ton of problems but I do not see how giving up on QB Sam Bradford is part of the solution. Unless of course you use a top pick on Robert Griffin III and unleash The Greatest Show on Turf version 2.0.

Redskins 23 Giants 10 – Pardon the Gmen for treating MetLife Stadium today like their own personal lavatory. That’s the kind of stench that lingers.

Panthers 28 Texans 13 – I love a good fumblerooski. That’s the kind of stuff we use to pull during recess. And for Houston, I guess Wade Phillips is really that important to the defense.

Lions 28 Raiders 27 – Megatron both won the game for Detroit and preserved, potentially, my fantasy football season. You’d have thought the Raiders would have put a man or two on him late in the 4th quarter.

Patriots 41 Broncos 23 – While we all rest our #teboners for a second, it’s quite possible that the two best tight ends in the NFL play on the same team. The pairing of Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski needs a nickname. How about “Smash and Dash” or “Snake and Chopper”?

Eagles 45 Jets 19 – I can’t believe this Philadelphia team still has a legitimate shot at making the playoffs. Andy Reid is like an old pair of underwear that just keeps turning up in your dresser.

Cardinals 20 Browns 17 – Would the Arizona front office look stupid if they cut ties with Kevin Kolb this offseason? The way I see it, things are going just fine with John Skelton leading the show in Glendale.

view from Qualcomm Stadium courtesy of @AnimalFarmMag

 

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 15

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Jacksonville (+13.5) over ATLANTA – Manchester, NH has a better chance of supporting an NFL team long term than Jacksonville.

Dallas (-6.5) over TAMPA BAY – There is very little reason to watch this game other than it’s Saturday night and your only other option is Love Actually on the Family Channel.

NY GIANTS (-6.5) over Washington – Chris Collinsworth was right, Jason Pierre-Paul really does look like an octopus.

Green Bay (-13.5) over KANSAS CITY – I can’t wait for Green Bay to go 18-0 before losing to the NY Giants in the Super Bowl.

New Orleans (-6.5) over MINNESOTA – Free Joe Webb!

CHICAGO (-3.5) over Seattle – This line could move to Seahawks (-3.5) once Sam Hurd’s “client list” is released. Seriously, you’re an NFL wide receiver making $1 million a year, what in the world inspires you to go out and sling crack rock outside the Morton’s Steakhouse in Rosemont?

BUFFALO (PK) over Miami – Now that Sparano has been fired, I can’t imagine this is a very motivated Dolphins team, especially since it will be 38 degrees and snowing on Sunday.

HOUSTON (-6) over Carolina – This one’s for Wade!

INDIANPOLIS (+6.5) over Tennessee – Dan Orlovsky was a huge fan of the back door cover going back to his days in Storrs, CT.

Cincinnati (-6.5) over ST. LOUIS – The worst part about that CBB brawl in the Queen City last weekend is that we now have to listen to all sorts of sportscasters and reporters mispronounce “X-zavier”.

OAKLAND (+1) over Detroit – I’d like to thank Calvin Johnson for helping me earn the top spot in my fantasy football playoffs and for single handedly costing me any chance of advancing past the first round. Megatron is dead to me.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over NY Jets – Being a New England Patriots fan in a New York television market has never been worse. Instead of Pats/Broncos in Denver, I’ll be stuck with Marv Albert and Rich Gannon live from the Linc. All I want for Christmas is Direct TV.

New England (-7) over DENVER- I feel bad for Lindsey Vonn. Marriage is a long time to wait before having sex again.

ARIZONA (-6.5) over Cleveland – I don’t think the NFL had Brad McCoy in mind when they thought about hiring independent neurologists to roam the sidelines during games. But you know what, he’s probably better than the trainers they have out in Cleveland.

Baltimore (-2.5) over SAN DIEGO – With a win here, Ravens can put Methuselah out of his misery once and for all.

Pittsburgh (+3) over SAN FRANCISCO – Roethlisberger you old sand-bagging SOB.

Last Week 6-10 (Overall 108-97)

view from the Georgia Dome courtesy of @kmillionaire