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If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 7

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Chicago (-1) over Tampa Bay: The London game use to be a big deal, kind of like the league was showcasing itself just in case they decided to expand overseas. Now all we care about is whether or not Jay Cutler and Kristen Cavallari were spotted together shopping in Piccadilly Circus.

CAROLINA (-2.5) over Washington – Is the Republican Party really prepared to nominate a Mormon for President in 2012? Perhaps we’ll have our answer after we see how the nation’s capital embraces former BYU star, and now Redskins starting QB, John Beck.

San Diego (-2) over NY JETS: It’s safe to say that Mike Francesa will not be having Rex Ryan over for Thanksgiving dinner in Oyster Bay anytime soon. I’m not sure what precipitated such hostility between the irascible sports talk host and the boastful Jets head coach but whatever it was, the stench still lingers today. Just yesterday afternoon, Mike was having a grand old time ripping apart Rex for comments he made regarding Norv Turner and the San Diego Chargers. Jets fans have to be getting close to being fed up with their head coach.

CLEVELAND (-3) over Seattle: Of course LeBron James would be a nasty NFL receiver. All a quarterback would have to do is lob the ball towards the back pylon and let LeBron climb through the air like he was on a breakaway. Think Calvin Johnson with even more hops and the same number of championships.

TENNESSEE (-3) over Houston: Can you believe that the AFC South is going to come down to these two teams? And can you also believe that Matt Hasselbeck is carrying the Titans offense for Chris Johnson? That’s what I thought.

Denver (+1.5) over MIAMI: The Dolphins are really bad and should seriously consider, if they haven’t already, tanking games for Andrew Luck. Serious question, will there be more fans in Sun Life Stadium rooting for the Tim Tebow or the Miami Dolphins?

DETROIT (-3.5) over Atlanta: Why is Chrysler the only American car company to capitalize on the recent Detroit Rock City renaissance? Those ads featuring Eminem and Ndamukong Suh are incredibly effective. I was this close to leasing a LeBaron for my grandmother.

Kansas City (+4.5) over Oakland: Does this mean Jordan Palmer is coming to Oakland as well?

Pittsburgh (-3.5) over ARIZONA: Wasn’t it just two seasons ago that these teams faced one another in the Super Bowl? A lot has changed since then. Ben Roethlisberger got married and Kurt Warner left the Cardinals for the NFL Network. And here we were thinking Warner was the consumate. committed family man.

St. Louis (+12) over Dallas: When’s the last time that the World Series featured teams from cities that were also playing against one another in football at the same time? Seriously, somebody look this up for me.

Green Bay (-9) over MINNESOTA: Why does FOX continue to insist that this is the NFC game of the week? It’s going to be sometime before this rivalry regains the juice it had just a few years back when Benedict Favre was playing for the Vikings against former Packers protege Aaron Rodgers. Now innocent, naive rookie Christian Ponder gets thrown to wolves in his first ever NFL start. “Thanks a lot DONOVAN!!!”

NEW ORLEANS (-14) over Indianapolis: I’m really amazed more NFL coaches don’t get injured during a game. How is it possible that Andy Reid has made it through well over a decade on the sidelines for the Philadelphia Eagles without some special teamer taking out both ACL’s, MCL’s, and an appendix?  Poor Sean Payton. Now he knows what life is like for Joe Paterno.

Baltimore (-7.5) over JACKSONVILLE: What”s with these Harbaugh’s anyway? First John chest bumps a sideline official then brother Jim nearly starts a post game riot in Detroit. What’s next? Sister Joani, who is married to Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean, threatening to trim Bob Knight’s thick, lustrous eyebrows? Also, this is the worst MNF game since last week’s Miami/NY Jets instant classic.

Last Week 7-6 (Overall 50-40)

view from Arizona/UCLA courtesy of @craigjames32 

 

 

 

Quick Snaps: NFL Week 6

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Before diving into Week 6, a few simple words, Peter King style, about my local Starbucks barista. Yesterday morning, en route to some family apple picking, we stopped at a nearby Starbucks to grab a couple of caffeinated beverages. The barista, who we’ll call “Kim”, called out my wife’s grande vanilla latte but not my drink. A minute or so passed and Kim had yet to complete my order. When I asked her about the status of my pumpkin spiced latte she responded quite glibly by telling me that my drink was in her “queue” and that she would get to it soon. Excuse me? Your queue? Since when did Starbucks turn into a Netflix? I may be overreacting a bit here but I that’s just because I did not expect to hear such language at 9 in the morning. I was so perplexed by her choice of words that when Kim did finish my drink I had totally forgotten about having to wait a few extra minutes.

Quick Snaps

49ers 25 Lions 19 – Let’s start with what all fans, casual and hardcore alike will be talking about this morning and that is the head coach fight that could have been between the 49ers Jim Harbaugh and the Lions Jim Shwartz. Just in case you haven’t seen it yet, behold, it’s a thing of beauty. Personally, my favorites two parts are 1) when in his youthful exuberance, Harbaugh comes pretty darn close to starting a strip tease and 2) all the players standing around, jarring at one another with their helmets off. That would have been a perfect time for an Ndamukong Suh right hook.

Here’s hoping that today’s intrigue carries over into the first round of the playoffs when San Francisco, winner of the west, hosts Detroit, wild card.

Raiders 24 Browns 17 – With Jason Campbell out indefinitely due to a broken collarbone, who do the Raiders call upon to take over at QB? Kyle Boller, the current heir apparent, hasn’t been any good going back to his days in Baltimore when Brian Billick use to sing his praises. Last night, Sheftie tweeted how he thought David Garrard would be a perfect candidate to take over in the Bay. Here’s an idea, why not take a look at rookie Terrelle Pryor? Probably not enough experience/pocket presence for a team smack dab in the middle of an early playoff hunt. To bad Al Davis in no longer with us because I bet he would start Pryor over Boller in a nanosecond.

Falcons 31 Panthers 17 – It remains really silly of me to listen to advice when picking NFL football games. For instance, everyone, from Bill Simmons to Mike Florio, kept telling us that Cam Newton was the “king of backdoor covers” and that the Falcons will continue their early season swoon on Sunday when they host Carolina. I should have known that with so many knowledgeable football people on the Panthers (+4.5) that the correct thing to do was stick with my gut and take Atlanta to cover in what was a must win game. Unfortunately, I caved and now sit one game behind the lead in my weekly picks pool.

Patriots 20 Cowboys 16 – If there’s anything people can’t stand more than hearing about other people’s gambling woes, it’s hearing about other people’s fantasy woes. Which is why I don’t feel like wasting your time with how upset I am that I started Felix Jones at RB this week. It’s just that Jones is like a bad penny, every year round 5 rolls around and there he is, so full of promise and upside. Today against the Patriots, my fantasy frustration came to fruition once again as Jones rolled an ankle, leaving the game in the first quarter never to be heard from again.

view from Soldier Field courtesy of @annareadsbooks

 

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 6

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St. Louis (+15) over GREEN BAY – For some strange reason I’m enjoying this new Aaron Rodgers/State Farm Insurance commercial. Granted, it’s not of the same ilk as the Dan Marino/Isotoner spots from the 80’s but still, it had me chuckling. It also got me thinking, who is the least marketable starting QB in the NFL? I’d say it’s a tie between Blaine Gabbert and Donovan McNabb. Gabbert because he’s still so young and McNabb because nobody eats Campbell’s Chunky Soup anymore.

PITTSBURGH (-12) over Jacksonville – At what point does it become fair to compare the career arcs of Sidney Crosby and Eric Lindros? Both physically talented players were considered saviors in the NHL but had their time on the ice cut short by concussions. Of course, in the case of Crosby the story has yet to be written as we all await his eventual return to the ice. I for one hope he makes it back in time for December 1st when the Penguins visit the Capitals. I’ll be in DC for the weekend and have already started scheming my way into the arena. Of course, if you know of anyone with an extra ticket, feel free to email me with the details.

Philadelphia (-1.5) over WASHINGTON – Speaking of Washington, the Redskins have a legitimate shot of winning the NFC East. Maybe we were all a little quick to judge the aptitude of QB Rex Grossman after all. (Note: How many of you think that I end up regretting this last statement by the end of the season?)

DETROIT (-4) over San Francisco – At the start of this NFL season, who would have thought that this matchup would be arguably the best game of week 6? Also, if you have a chance, check out the pattern Calvin Johnson ran against the Bears to score that long touchdown in the first half of Monday Night’s Game from Detroit. He ran one of the laziest looking fly patterns I have ever seen, yet the Chicago secondary barely laid a finger on big #81 until it was too late and Megatron was already busy receiving “good seasons” from an over zealous auto plant worker in the Ford Field stands.

ATLANTA (-4) over Carolina – The NCAA has cleared Auburn of all charges in the Cam Newton pay for play scandal. Good news for Cam Newton but even better news for Tigers head coach, and personal fitness guru, Gene Chizik who continues his quest to ease War Eagle’s suffering after their tree was poisoned by a group of Crimson Tide loyalists.

INDIANAPOLIS (+7) over Cincinnati – Dare I say upset special? Why was it such a problem that Colts owner Jim Irsay talked about how, if given the opportunity, Indianapolis would draft Andrew Luck? Doesn’t it go without saying that whichever NFL team ends up with the top pick in 2012 draft that they will take the Stanford QB? Is there an NFL team out there that wouldn’t either make Luck the face of their franchise or trade the pick away to another team for a kings ransom?

NY GIANTS (-3.5) over Buffalo – The Gaints, and Eli Manning in particular, might be a better team on the road than at home. Speaking of the Meadowlands, the other night I was flipping back and forth between the ALCS and Hoffa starring Jack Nicholson and Danny DeVito and two things stood out: 1) Nicholson looks nothing like Jimmy Hoffa and 2) DeVito, who both directed and starred in the film, is really short and much funnier in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Houston (+7.5) over BALTIMORE – The torn pectoral muscle is the new ACL. In the span of a single week, Texans defensive end Mario Williams and Nebraska nose tackle Jared Crick each inured a chest muscle, ending both of their seasons. Each will make a full recovery but this does raise a fair question: why are so many football players coming down with this rather bizarre injury? The pessimist in me believes that this rash of torn pectoral muscles has to do with the fact that more players are taking performance enhancing drugs like HGH. The sports scientist in me says that these injuries are due to over conditioned athletes who may or may not be hydrating properly. Either way, the Houston Texans are playing this weekend without their star DE and WR which spells trouble until you realize that Joe Flacco is still the quarterback for the Ravens.

Cleveland (+6.5) over OAKLAND – Sounds like Raiders backup QB Terrelle Pryor harbors a desire to still be playing for the Ohio State Buckeyes. And to be fair, I’m sure OSU would love to have him back as well, especially considering what happened last weekend in Lincoln, NE.

NEW ENGLAND (-7) over Dallas – I wish this game were being played on Thanksgiving. In other news, one of my bosses called me in to work Sunday afternoon between 2:30-4:30. Don’t these people understand that there’s football to be watched? The instant you become a boss do you forget what it’s like to be a mid-level employee? I think a union needs to get involved involved before things spiral out of control and I go all sorts of postal on the company copier.

TAMPA BAY (+4.5) over New Orleans – Glas to see that Saints safety Roman Harper was fined after his cheap shot on Panthers WR Steve Smith. Doesn’t Harper understand that the “after the whistle late hit” has already been patented by Brandon Meriweather?

Chicago (-3) over Minnesota – This Bears offensive line better get its act together soon or else Jay Cutler is going to end up back on the exercise bike. In other Chicago news, what does everybody else think about former Boston GM, and prodigal son, Theo Epstein leaving the Red Sox to take over the Cubs? Personally, I think it’s a great move for all parties. The Cubs get a young Moneyballer with a proven track record of developing talent while the Red Sox cleanse themselves of all things September 2011. It’s just too bad Josh Beckett was involved in this deal as well. I hear the Wrigley Field clubhouse is an excellent place to shotgun 3-4 lukewarm Old Stlye’s.

NY JETS (-7) over Miami – Boy this is really a terrible terrible football game. All people are going to care about anyway is who ESPN finds to replace that narrow minded country bumpkin Hank Williams Jr. A few suggestions: 1) Manny Pacquiao 2) Faith Hill 3) Bernie Williams. As soon as this issue has been resolved, fans in New York can go back to griping about Jets OC Brian Shottenheimer and his suspect play calling. For the 14th time this week Bruce in Bayside, Mike Francesa does not have time for any of your trivial Jets nonsense!

Last week 8-5 (Overall 43-34)

 

 

Quick Snaps: NFL Week 5

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I love a good holiday weekend, even if Columbus Day is one of the most controversial federal holidays on the calendar. Maybe the entire country should go the way of Berkeley, CA and change the name to “Indigenous Peoples Day”. If you’re looking for a good read on what this land was like before Columbus and his merry band of disease ridden malcontents arrived, take a look at “1491” by Charles Mann. Excellent and investigative take on the culture and progress of the indigenous peoples of the Americas. But enough of the book review, on to a quick NFL Sunday recap for Week 5.

Quick Snaps

Bills 31 Eagles 24 – The Bills lead the AFC East, MIke Vick broke the career rushing record for an NFL QB, and the Philadelphia Eagles dropped to 1-4 on the season. I joked last week about the need for the Philadelphia Phillies to keep winning to help take some of the pressure off of this abysmal start for the Eagles. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen so while Ryan Howard is at home nursing a torn achilles, the heat is only going to intensify on Andy Reid and his basement dwelling Iggles.

Vikings 34 Cardinals 10 – Speaking of the Eagles, two former Philadelphia QB’s, Kevin Kolb and Donovan McNabb, squared off against one another in the Metrodome yesterday too see who could amass a lower passer efficiency. Adrian Peterson had a good afternoon with 3 early touchdowns and this was the game most people should have taken in their survivor pool. However…

Seahawks 36 Giants 25 – Nearly 70% of remaining survivor pool contestants lost because they bet against Clipboard Jesus. If you look closely, you can find Charlie Whitehurst on the cover of most Southern Rock albums from the 1970’s.

Steelers 38 Titans 17 – I can’t decide if Ben Roethlisberger is really tough or just an attention seeking prima dona. He always seems to have these mysterious injuries which threaten to keep him out of action until he “recovers” in time to put up ridiculous numbers like he did Sunday against the Titans.

Raiders 25 Texans 20 – With the recent passing of Al Davis the football karma gods were clearly on the side of the Raiders Sunday afternoon in Texas. Too bad most young football fans don’t entirely understand the impact Davis had on the NFL. I will forever be thankful to the Raiders owner for two reasons: 1) Bo Jackson and 2) the Lane Kiffin firing announcement.

Chargers 29 Broncos 24 – The Republican Party should consider asking Tim Tebow to run for President in 2012. Think about it, they would be guaranteed a win in at least two swing states, Colorado and Florida, and the QB’s presence in the upcoming debates should be inspiring enough to keep even Rick Perry awake.

Patriots 30 Jets 21 – At this point, Jim Nantz, will all of the New England games he has called over the years, has to own a home in the Foxboro area. At the very least he splits a time share with Phil Simms. Now I’m not saying Nantz favors the Patriots but I did find it a little peculiar when Bill Belichick’s red challenge flag came flying out of the CBS broadcast booth during yesterday’s game with the Jets.

view from the Georgia Dome courtesy of @EricFisherTWC

 

View My Picks: NFL Week 5

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INDIANAPOLIS (-2.5) over Kansas City – This game was much more appealing back when both teams were fresh off of division winning seasons and before Peyton Manning, Eric Berry, and Jamaal Charles suffered season ending injuries. Now all you need to know about this game is that the E squad of Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcots are calling the game for CBS.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Arizona – A homecoming of sorts for Twin Cities native Larry Fitzgerald whose father, as we all know by now, is a reporter for a Minneapolis newspaper. Here’s a headline for you pops: “CARDINALS WR OPENLY RECRUITING KURT WARNER BACK TO DESERT”.

Philadelphia (-2.5) over BUFFALO – Why would Andy Reid put Juan Castillo in charge of the Eagles defense in the first place? Going from an offensive line coach to defensive coordinator does not seem like a natural transition at all. This would be like turning a major league catcher into a starting shortstop or perhaps a male model becoming a Senator from the state of Massachusetts.

Oakland (+6) over HOUSTON – The Raiders are one of the few teams in the NFL whose road/white uniforms look just as good as their home/color. Also on that list: Chargers, Packers, Giants, and Steelers.

CAROLINA (+6.5) over New Orleans – Darren Rovell is right, why would the Saints award Mercedes-Benz with the naming rights to the Superdome? To me, there’s nothing that screams continuing recovery from one of the largest national diasaters in American history quite like a $75K luxury sedan.

Cincinnati (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE – It makes total football sense for TCU to join the Big 12 in 2012, leaving the Big East behind before it actually ever joined. Since football is all but dead in the Big East anyway, the conference should go back to its basketball roots and return the focus to all the small Catholic schools from the Northeast that made the league so popular back in the early 80’s. Of course, it would help if Patrick Ewing were still playing for Georgetown.

PITTSBURGH (-3) over Tennessee – Dare I say a must win for the Steelers who with a 2-2 need to prove to the rest of the NFL that they are not too old to win in the NFL.

NY GIANTS (-10) over Seattle – Tarvaris Jackson + East Rutherford wind = lots of Seahawks turnovers.

SAN FRANCISCO (-3) over Tampa Bay – I don’t make much of Tiger Woods deciding to play in the Frys.com Open this weekend other than it serves as a nice warmup before the President’s Cup as well as a good opportunity to break in a new caddie. Also, why do I feel like I shouldn’t be visiting frys.com from a work computer?

NEW ENGLAND (-9) over NY Jets – The Patriots will be wearing their throwback “Pat Patriot ” uniforms Sunday and we can only hope that Tom Brady will come out sporting the retro Steve Grogan neck roll.

DENVER (+4) over San Diego – If I had known that Philip Rivers has 6 children I never would have drafted him on my fantasy team. Parenting is EXHAUSTING!!!

Green Bay (-6) over ATLANTA – Rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game and even though the Falcons are 2-2 it still feels like these two teams are headed in opposite directions.

Chicago (+5.5) over DETROIT – I read a really cool story from NPR about how many of Detroit’s vacant city lots are being turned into organic farmstands. I wouldn’t think that this relatively new venture is going to end up bringing many people back to the Motor City but perhaps they can help to dress up the barren landscape of economic despair.

Last Week 10-6 (Overall 35-29)

view from the Coliseum courtesy of @charliepanian