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2015 Hyundai Tournament of Champions Superlatives

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Time to go a little old school with a PGA Tour Superlatives column just like back in the day. The 2015 portion of the 2014-15 season kicks off this week in beautiful Kapalua, Hawaii with the Hyundai Tournament of Champions an exclusive event with a select field of golfers comprised solely of last year’s champions. That it unless your last name is McIlroy, Scott, Rose or Kaymer in which case you bypass the event and wait for the tour to hit the lower 48 in a few weeks. And before you scoff at these 4 champion golfers for turning down what is essentially an all expense paid trip to beautiful sunny Hawaii understand that unlike us, they don’t need the extra hassle of a private jet or an exclusive bungalow overlooking the Pacific. To Rory, Adam, Justin and Martin that’s just another day in the life.

Alas, the field is still full of the rich and famous. The hungry up and comers with something to prove and the erstwhile major champions hoping to rekindle that old magical feeling. Therefor without further ado, here are your 2015 Hyundai Tournament of Champions Superlatives.

Group Most Likely To Report For Military Service: Sang-Moon Bae and Scott Stallings

Bae must return to South Korea by the end of the month for two years of mandatory military service because technically, South Korea is still at war with North Korea a little known fact that was not mentioned during any part of the Sony hacking scandal which, with the more time that passes without any credible links to the North Korean gov’t, looks like an inside job perpetuated by a movie studio hungry for a hit. Think I’m crazy? Ok, then answer this, were you more likely to see The Interview starring James Franco and Seth Rogan before Sony pulled it from theaters or after when every one came to their senses and realized that if Kim Jong-un can’t even provide electricity for his people then it’s probably somewhat far-fetched to think that he could launch a couple ICBM’s at the ArcLight Cinemas in Hollywood?

Either way, Bae is one of the best young players on tour and it would be a shame to lose him. Can’t he pay for a replacement just like Teddy Roosevelt’s father did during the American Civil War? Maybe he should ask John Daly, that guy seems like he’ll do just about anything for money.

Group Most Likely To Avoid Scuba Diving: Geoff Ogilvy and Hideki Matsuyama

Ogilvy makes his return to Kapalua after withdrawing in 2011 after cutting his hand open on a piece of coral. Back then he was the two time defending champion of this event and a bonafide superstar in the making before years of struggle led most of us to wonder what ever happened to that guy? Now Ogilvy is back apparently and in 2015 will compete in all four majors for the first time since his index finger nearly became a hidden treasure.

Group Most Likely To Choose Their Words Wisely: Patrick Reed and Russell Henley

Patrick Reed morphed into something of a fan favorite after his charismatic performance during the 2014 Ryder Cup. He was one of the few Americans, along with his playing partner Jordan Spieth, who went shot for shot with the Europeans. He played with hutzpah and passion and we were ready to embrace him and his giants “cajones”. That was until the WGC-HSBC Champions in November when our collective opinion shifted once again after Reed was caught on camera using a gay slur. To be fair, he was both remorseful and apologetic after the fact and is not the only one spewing vile, repugnant language on a golf course. (see Watson, Bubba) Regardless, only time will tell if the public is ready once again to give Reed a big ol bear hug. He is a top 5 player in the world after all.

Group Most Likely Caught Staring Up At The Stars: Jimmy Walker and Hunter Mahan

Jimmy Walker is a bonafide space nut. Like total star gazing dork. It’s one of the most endearing things about him. Do you think he keeps a telescope in the trunk of his complementary car at all times and wheels it out onto the golf course at night so he can study Cassiopeia? I do. I bet the other players get sick of him asking them if they’d like to lie on the hood of his car. Especially Patrick Reed.

Group Most Likely To Win The Hyundai Tournament of Champions: Jason Day and Matt Kuchar

It’s going to be a big year for the Australian born/Ohio resident Jason Day. First bold prediction of 2015: The Ohio State Buckeyes beat Oregon in the college football national championship on Monday night and Day outlasts Rory McIlroy in a playoff in Augusta for the first major of his career. Take it to the bank.

Enjoy the golf everyone!

 

NBA Watchability Index For Parents: January 8, 2015

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I enjoyed a couple glasses of red wine with dinner last night and nearly fell asleep at the table. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at things, I had a crying infant to remind me that my night was far from over which was a good thing because it allowed me to watch the final minutes of the Grizzlies/Hawks game but a bad thing because by 10PM I was so tired that I was nearly the one in need of a diaper change.

NBA Watchability Index for Thursday January 8, 2015

5 Baby Bottles (until those little eyes glaze over)

No games

4 Baby Bottles (make sure to tilt the head upright)

No games

3 Baby Bottles (a quick swaddle and rock)

Miami Heat @ Portland Trail Blazers (10:30 PM)

Thursday night is a light night in the NBA and this game is on paper perhaps the best of the bunch. Even though the Blazers will probably run away with this thing you never now when Dwyane Wade will unleash one of those retro-performances that make us all remember what a dominant basketball player he use to be. And speaking of shooting guards from Marquette, how about Wesley Matthews? If I gave you a choice between building around Matthews, Jimmy Butler or Kawhi Leonard who would you choose? (Answer: Butler)

Charlotte Hornets @ Toronto Raptors (7:30 PM)

The fact that the Raptors continue on this run of remarkable basketball without their second best player DeMar DeRozan is a testament to the depth of their roster especially key role players like Lou Williams and Greivis Vasquez, the latter being my favorite University of Maryland basketball player since Juan Dixon and before that Exree Hipp.

The Hornets beat the Pelicans last night thanks to 31 points, including the game winner, from Kemba Walker while backcourt mate Lance Stephenson sits out while recovering from a pelvic sprain which if I’m not mistaken is also a common injury for couples attempting to get pregnant.

2 Baby Bottles (in between burps)

Houston Rockets @ New York Knicks (8:00 PM)

Knicks fans need to stop hating on reserve center Cole Aldrich, who is admittedly not the world’s greatest athlete, and start giving the stiff some credit for at least trying. I’m sure Knicks fans would rather their team win a game instead of lose 13 in a row but it still must be refreshing to watch players who are actually giving their best effort as opposed to a bunch of overpaid bums who look like they don’t give a crap.

Which reminds me, how long before this J.R. Smith in Cleveland experiment blows up all over Lake Erie?

1 Baby Bottle (only during an emergency diaper change)

No Games

NBA Watchability Index for Wednesday January 7th 2015

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We just had a baby. Our second. And for any parent entrusted with evening feedings you know how hard it can be to find something, anything to watch on television especially during these cold, foreboding winter months. Fortunately, and this probably only goes for basketball fans, the NBA is here to cure us of our Discovery Channel doldrums and since I know I’ll be up until the early hours I thought I might share with all you other basketball loving parents of young children out there my own personal NBA Watchability Index for

Wednesday, January 7th.

5 Baby Bottles (until those little eyes glaze over)

Memphis Grizzlies @ Atlanta Hawks (7:00 PM)

Marc Gasol is one of my favorite basketball players and would be the most fun NBA player to play pickup with because he’s tall and a really good passer. And the Atlanta Hawks are an astounding 26-8. Who would have predicted that before the season?

4 Baby Bottles (make sure to keep the head upright)

Houston Rockets @ Cleveland Cavaliers (7:00 PM)

Cleveland, how our collective hearts bleed for you. If the Cavs could do it all over again would they still trade Andrew Wiggins for Kevin Love because isn’t recently acquired Iman Shumpert the same type player as the rookie Wiggins?

Detroit Pistons @ Dallas Mavericks (8:30 PM)

The Pistons have won 6 games in a row since dumping Josh Smith on the Rockets and Stan Van Gundy is now the author of one of the greatest instructions in coaching history and “form a f-ing wall” has become one of my go to pieces of parental advice.

3 Baby Bottles (in between burps)

New York Knicks @ Washington Wizards (7:00 PM)

If only to see who the Knicks end up suiting up now that more than half their roster is either injured or tied up in a trade exemption. Also, I love what the New York Times is doing by sending their Knicks beat reporter out to cover other sporting events in the area while the dumpster fire in Madison Square Garden continues to smolder.

Oklahoma City Thunder @ Sacramento Kings (10:00 PM)

Utah Jazz @ Chicago Bulls (8:00 PM)

Jimmy Butler is nearing must see status right now while Nikola Mirotic has the best Serbian basketball beard since Vlade Divac.

2 Baby Bottles (just a quick swaddle and rock)

Milwaukee Bucks @ Philadelphia 76ers (7:00 PM)

The Sixers beat the Cavs the other night which is encouraging if you’re either a Philly fan or David Blatt’s real estate broker.

New Orleans Pelicans vs Charlotte Hornets (7:00 PM)

Anthony Davis.

Los Angeles Lakers @ Los Angeles Clippers (10:30 PM)

The Lakers will always be more interesting with Kobe than without him. A sentiment not shared by most of his teammates especially Jeremy Lin.

Indiana Pacers @ Golden State Warriors (10:30 PM)

1 Baby Bottle (only during an emergency diaper change)

Boston Celtics @ Brooklyn Nets (7:30 PM)

Orlando Magic @ Denver Nuggets (9:00 PM)

New Year’s Resolutions for Sports Fans

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New Year’s Resolutions for Sports Fans

We resolve to limit our sports viewing to one device at a time.

We resolve to remaining a contributing member of society even after our favorite team suffers a devastating loss.

We resolve to playing Candyland with our sons and daughters for the 10th time that day over checking twitter for the latest update on that Mountain West basketball game between Boise St and Air Force.

We resolve to voice our opinions in a passionate yet respectful manner.

We resolve to refrain from insulting the intelligence/appearance of a player or coach. Remember, they all have parents. Wives, husbands and children too.

We resolve to take a deep breath before posting anything hurtful or derogatory on social media.

We resolve to always tip the waitstaff no less than 20% even when our jalapeño poppers come out luke warm.

We resolve to limit our living room celebrations to a solitary fist pump.

We resolve to stay down in front.

We resolve to playing catch in between innings or at the half.

We resolve to limit our pre game portions. Why settle for the entire bread bowl of spinach & artichoke dip when half would more than suffice?

We resolve to leave the last beer or hot wing for a guest.

We resolve to be the designated driver.

We resolve to teach our children about sports history. From Magic to Michael. Marino to Montana. Griffey to the Big Hurt.

We resolve to re-watch all the sports movie classics. Hoosiers. Raging Bull. Slap Shot. Caddyshack.

We resolve to give the WNBA another shot.

We resolve to fully embrace this summer’s upcoming women’s World Cup.

We resolve to celebrate the accomplishments of the current all time greats even if they are not our favorite players.

We resolve to allow our kids the freedom to pick their own favorite teams.

We resolve to visit Cameron Indoor. Augusta and Churchill Downs too.

We resolve to clean up after ourselves at a tailgate.

We resolve to report abusive behavior in the stadium.

We resolve to watch what we say especially in the company of the young and impressionable.

We resolve not to shelter our kids from the immorality of famous athletes but rather use their transgressions as a catalyst for productive discourse.

We resolve to remain our children’s role models.

And finally, we resolve to always keep sports in their proper context.

I’m Dreaming of a Green Jacket

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Tis the season for the world’s #1 golfer to be inspired by a Christmas classic.

 “Green Jacket”

Music and Lyrics by Rory McIlroy

I’m dreaming of a Green Jacket

Just like the one worm by Faldo

Where the azaleas glisten

And caddies listen

To hear the galleries call my name

 

I’m dreaming of a Green Jacket

With every autograph I write

May my clubs stay shiny and bright

And may all my golf balls be white

 

I’m dreaming of a Green Jacket

Better than thinking about Caro

Where Rae’s Creek glistens

And Amen Corner listens

To hear Tiger wince in pain

 

I’m dreaming of a Green Jacket

With every lawsuit that I fight

May my court case stay merry and bright

And may all my witnesses be right