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Celebrating the Red, White, and Blue

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Happy 4th of July weekend everybody! Time to fire up the BBQ and celebrate our independence. Before heading out to the lake, river, or stream, take a few quick moments to peruse our list of the best red, white, and blue uniforms in American sports today. Feel free to offer an opinion on these rankings, it is a free country after all.

Red

#5: Florida State football – There’s a lot of stuff going on in Tallahassee that I could do with out – Chief Osceola and his horse Renegade planting a flaming spear in the ground for one. But, what’s not to love about the Burt Reynolds inspired garnet/gold?*  When watching Seminole games today it’s hard not to remember the halcyon days of Neon Deion, Charlie Ward, and shoplifting at a local Dillard’s.

*I made that part up about the uniform being Burt Reynolds inspired. Although, not hard to imagine seeing as how he has probably donated a ton of money to his alma mater.

#4: Detroit Red Wings – I still don’t understand why the NHL decided to have the home team wear the color sweater. White at home, color on the road – with the major exception being college/professional football. In any case, the Red Wings unis continue to epitomize Detroit automotive ingenuity. Also my first, and only, personalized hockey jersey was a Detroit Red Wings Bob Probert #24, may he rest in peace. I liked Probert for the fact that he was the best fighter in EA Sports NHL ’94 and NOT because of his massive cocaine and alcohol problem.

#3: San Francisco 49ers/Kansas City Chiefs (tie) – If this list included uniforms from Europe, then #3 probably would have been Manchester United. But this is America, and in America we play football none of this namby-pamby soccer stuff. Although I will say that I watched the Gold Cup finals Saturday night and came away incredibly impressed with Mexico. Could someone in the know tell me if El Tri has a legitimate chance to win/place/show in the 2014 World Cup? Also, how does the USMNT go about acquiring a player named Chicharito? The name alone has got to be good for a goal or two.

#2: Chicago Bulls – My first Michael Jordan memory is a box of Wheaties. No really. I was in the 3rd grade and my basketball coach gave me an MJ winning the ’88 dunk contest poster which came from a box of Wheaties. Of course, being the impulsive, stubborn kid that I was, I wanted all of the posters in the entire series therefore my family must have gone through around 20 boxes of cereal in the span of a month.

#1: Tiger Woods on Sunday – Other professional golfers know that when Tiger’s in contention on Sunday, red is off limits. Of course, it has been so long since this happened that many fans have probably already forgotten about Woods affinity for final round red. I use to think that a red golf shirt could help improve my scoring average but after countless rounds and a handicap hovering in the 20’s, I think it’s fair to say that the clothes do not always make the man.

White

#5: Oakland A’s – The A’s probably wouldn’t be on this list if it weren’t for their white spikes, which are technically part of the uniform. In fact, the A’s were wearing white spikes long before they became fashionable a few years back. Also, white cleats really do make baseball players look svelter/faster. I believe Jason Giambi had 20 stolen bases during one season in Oakland, half of which were due to his white spikes.

#4: New York Yankees – Sorry haters, the pinstripes had to be somewhere on this list. Probably would have put them at #2 if it weren’t for Steiner Collectibles already trying to sell me a commemorative cup of batter’s box dirt from Derek Jeter’s eventual 3000 hit.

#3: University of Alabama football – Such a simple, clean look. For a while, college football teams were getting a little carried with the redesign of their uniforms. This was undoubtedly seen as a way to sell more jerseys and increase revenue. But not the Crimson Tide. Bear Bryant would never allow it and he’s been dead for nearly 30 years. I’m also surprised that, like Alabama, more college football teams don’t go with #’s on the side of the helmet which seems to be a much better option than 50% of the decals out there right now.

#2: Boston Celtics – During the mid to late 90’s, the Celtics jersey was unfortunately becoming synonymous with a bad a House of Pain video or a poorly timed punchline from the movie Celtic Pride. But then the “Big Three” united and brought a championship back to Boston. Now, the Celtics jersey has regained its street cred and is currently being worn by the likes of Mark Wahlberg, Dane Cook, and Whitey Bulger.

#1: Dallas Cowboys – Regardless of how you feel about the Cowboys you cannot deny that their home uniform is part of what made them America’s team. Also, how many NFL teams choose to wear white at home? I can think of 3: Redskins, Dolphins (occasionally), and Cowboys. I love it when the NY Giants wear white at the Meadowlands just to mess with the Cowboys who seem to disdain their road blues. Classic NFC East gamesmanship.

Blue

#5: Boise State football – The Broncos wouldn’t have even come close to touching this list 5 years ago. But then the Statue of Liberty play happened in the Fiesta Bowl and now Boise State has evolved into a perennial power in college football. I don’t care however for the blue on blue jersey/pant combo especially when they play at home on the smurf turf.

#4: North Carolina basketball – All apologies to their Tobacco Road neighbors in Durham, but Carolina blue is the most recognizable jersey in college basketball. I have no idea why they ever allowed Nike to force them into those butt ugly “UNC” jerseys a few years back. That was a massive failure. Probably thought that with Dean Smith out of the way they could push for change. But if it ain’t broken…

#3 Chicago Bears -At first glance, the Bears jersey probably looks more black than blue and, to be fair, that fits in quite nicely with the persona of the franchise and its city. Hard nosed football going back to the days of George Halas. I wonder what Papa Bear would have thought about Jay Cutler’s knee injury against the Packers?

#2: New York Rangers – For a while the Rangers went with an image of the Statue of Liberty across the front of their blue jersey. Now they are back to the classic block lettering which I’m sure brings back fond memories of ’94 when the city of Vancouver rioted for the first time.

#1: Penn State football – The more things change, the more they stay the same. Since Joe Pa is never going to retire, I think it’s safe to say that these classic uniforms won’t be changing anytime soon either.

view from Citizens Bank Park courtesy of @eliza_peterson

Plodding Through the Previews: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

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Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also connect the preview to a current sports story however, this final pursuit may result in complete and abject failure.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Momentum was slow for this the 3rd installment of the Transformers franchise until word leaked about the reasons behind the Megan Fox firing from Dark of the Moon. Apparently, executive producer Steven Spielberg was less than pleased with how Fox compared Transformers director Michael Bay to Adolf Hitler.* Ignorant? Absolutely. A fireable offense? Sure, why not. Especially when you have Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitely waiting in the wings. But by far the most objectionable aspect of Fox’s comments were that they historically inaccurate. Every student of history knows that Adolf Hitler was many things – epitome of evil, mass-murderer, narcissist, world renowned cross dresser – but not a filmmaker. Now, if she had compared Bay to say, Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels, at least she would have been comparing directors. Then again, the more you think about, that comparison doesn’t really fit either. Let’s just call her comments ignorant and move on.

*After reading this article from foxnews.com it’s 100% impossible to like anyone involved in the making of this film. From the hyperactive Bay to the overly entitled Shia LaBeouf, this had to be one of the least pleasant movie sets to work on.

By the way, why is this movie called Dark of the Moon instead of Dark Side of the Moon? Did the remaining members of Pink Floyd see a rough cut of the film and say no way are we allowing ourselves to be connected to this movie?

A second by second breakdown of the preview

:10 – For the record, Carl Everett does not believe in this preview or dinosaurs.

:28 – Many of you know that my general apathy towards Colorado Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki stems from the fact that he is a dead ringer for Shia LaBeouf.

:30 – C’mon Frances McDormand! Remember who you are. Your Marge Gunderson. Fargo? Almost Famous? Now your selling out to a multi-billion dollar franchise just so you can have your face tattooed across lunchboxes worldwide. I never thought the day would come.

:40 – I would like to hire whoever does the voice over work for Optimus Prime to narrate an entire day in my life. Talk about a sweeping epic. Something dramatic would be bound to happen. “In a world, where Jon washes the dishes better than any other human on the planet, something strange was about to happen.”

1:00 – Usually I can be be fairly cynical regarding the quality of these coming attractions but, as far as previews go, this one is kinda kick-ass.

1:15 – Why must you pick on Chicago evil transformers? Also, Pittsburgh is the new Boston which was the new Chicago which replaced New York. Got it?

1:24 – What’s the current over/under for Rosie Huntington-Whitely lines of dialogue in this movie? 0, 10, or 25? Give me 10 and I’ll take the under.

2:05 – After about 30 seconds strait of robot carnage with some melodramatic dialogue sprinkled on top, we have by far our coolest shot of the preview. Tell me, does anyone else think that the centipede transformer looks an awful lot like some of the sentry robots in the Matrix?

The Plod (where I guess the plot of the movie based on the preview)

We begin with a heartbroken Shia who just can’t believe Megan Fox dumped him so that she could take her Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford where she intends to study molecular engineering. And then, all of a sudden, just when you thought all of the bad transformers had been destroyed in the 2nd film, it turns out that a whole bunch of them were actually hiding on…the dark of the Moon! And now they’re ready to destroy the earth starting with Chicago and the entire state of Illinois. But get this, Shia and his merry band of transformer pals, with the additional help of Fergie’s husband and Tyrese, are there to save the day. A few good transformers are lost in the process, sayonara Bumblebee, but in the end, good out duels bad and we’re poised for Transformers 4 sometime during the summer of 2013. Except in this one, the bad transformers target Detroit because, as you know, that city hasn’t experienced enough devastation in recent years.

Connection to a Current Sports Story

The spontaneous combustion of the Williams sisters who both lost in the 4th round of Wimbledon yesterday. This morning, Venus and Serena may look to hide on the dark of the moon until the U.S. Open commences in late August.** To be fair, both players, especially Serena, were battling some serious injuries heading into play at the All England Club. I watched portions of their 4th round matches yesterday morning and neither sister played with any sort of joy or passion whatsoever. It was very hard to watch. Part injury, but I am also starting to wonder if maybe competing has become a little too routine for these aging stars. It begs the question, will Venus or Serena ever win another Wimbledon?

**Give me a break, it’s the best I could do.

view from Wimbledon courtesy of @AlsTheGreat

Wednesday Worries: Wimbledon Edition

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I am worried that….

the grass courts at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club are going to cause a significant injury. On Day 1 the surface is pristine and lush with nary a weed or rough patch. But by the first weekend, when the wear and tear begins to take its tole, the grass, mostly around the service line, begins to look like the 1st baseline at Wrigley Field. Would it be too difficult, or against tradition, to re-sod the courts midway through the fortnight? I’m only thinking about the players safety and not for any asthetic reason like it kinda looks like crap on tv.

croquet has become an overlooked sport/recreational pastime. Think about it, when was the last time you went over to a friends house, fired up the BBQ, and got yourself ready for a rousing game of croquet? That’s my point, this just doesn’t happen anymore. The funny thing is I can remember being a kid and playing croquet all the time. It’s a fantastic activity. A perfect distraction as the ribs sit on the smoker. In fact, I credit much of my 25 handicap on the golf course to my experience with a wooden mallet on the croquet pitch.

today’s rain is just a harbinger of things to come and that it is going to continue raining in London for a week straight forcing players to play multiple matches a day.

Maria Sharapova is really going to marry Sasha Vujacic. Seriously, what does he have that I don’t? Take away the wife, kids, mortgage, student loans, etc and we are basically the same person.

Serena Williams is going to experience a massive emotional breakdown. She was all sorts of teary eyed after her 3 set victory in the 1st round yesterday. Her raw emotion was no doubt a byproduct of missing so much time due to injury leading up to Wimbledon. However, if healthy, she clearly remains one of the favorites to win the tournament.

John Isner is going to hit his head on the umpires chair during a changeover. He’s 6’9″!! How did he get into tennis and not basketball or baseball. He could have been the next Randy Johnson or perhaps even Mark Hendrickson.

there is not enough room on the grounds of the All England Club for the gaggle of ESPN broadcasters who have descended upon London. Enough is enough already. You have Cliff Drysdale and Darren Cahill calling a match from centre court with Chris Fowler interrupting w/ live look-ins while Patrick McEnroe sits back in the studio alongside Hannah Storm, Mary Joe Fernandez, and Chris Evert who have special sideline reports coming in from Brad Gilbert and Pam Shriver. If I’m Mike Tirico or Scott Van Pelt I feel a little left out. Give me Dick Enberg, John McEnroe, and Mary Carillo. That’s it. The rest of you can go and break down the NBA Draft because ESPN doesn’t have enough people doing that already.

Novak Djokovic is going to ruin the tournament by beating Roger Federer in the semifinals. All anybody wants to see is another Rafa Nadal/Federer final. Wimbledon is all about pitting the best vs the best. Take for example the rivalry between Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe, the subject of a recent HBO documentary. Their classic showdown in the 1980 Wimbledon final is considered by many to be the “Greatest Tennis Match of All Time”.

I was much too young to remember this match but after watching the documentary I was amazed at what a star Bjorn Borg was. I knew he was a great tennis player but had no idea that he had the charisma capable of captivating the entire sports world. He was an absolute rockstar and during the 1980 final McEnroe came so close to preventing Borg’s streak of 5 Wimbledon titles in a row. McEnroe would however go on to defeat Borg at Wimbledon a year later in 1981.  But beyond the major titles, what resonates today is the relationship between two tennis warriors that extends well beyond the boundaries of competition. McEnroe/Borg, once bitter rivals, now close friends.

Federer/Nadal have already treated us with a fair share of memorable Wimbledon’s – think 2008 – and could meet in the finals again this year. It remains to be seen whether or not these two all time competitors and champions will become great friends, a la Borg/McEnroe and, as tennis fans, we probably don’t care if Roger and Rafa take family vacations together. But this much is clear, Nadal/Federer is the most competitive rivalry in sports today. As fans, we should appreciate every opportunity we have to watch these two tennis titans square off against one another because, as Borg/McEnroe proved, the rivalry will be over before we know it.

view from Wimbledon Day 3 courtesy of @mrwayneg

 

 

 

Plodding Through the Previews: Cars 2

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Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also connect the movie to a current sports story however, this final pursuit may result in complete and abject failure.

Cars 2

The original Cars is in fact the only Pixar film which I have never seen. As we all know, Pixar movies resonate with adults just as much as kids. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that nearly half of Pixar’s entire feature film library – Up and Wall E to name a few – were explicitly made for adults. Which is probably why these movies makes so much money. Parents are just as excited to see the movie as their kids.

Yet somehow, Cars has eluded me, like my white whale. Maybe my son will grow to be a huge NASCAR fan and we will develop a mutual love and respect for the original imovie. For now at least, I know very little about the premise of the first Cars other than it was Paul Newman’s last major role before his death in 2008.

A Second by Second Breakdown

:25 – Larry the Cable Guy is back! Has he done anything significant since the first Cars? Does he still do the “you know you’re a redneck when” bit or I am thinking of Jeff Foxworthy?

:52 – My absolute favorite part of previews for animated movies, trying to guess the voices. The Italian sports car sure does sound an awful lot like either John Turturro or Luciano Pavarotti.

:58 – No guessing on this one. That is the unmistakable voice of Michael Caine clearly on loan from the set of the latest Batman film. Wouldn’t it be awesome if movies worked liked professional soccer where actors could be loaned out by bigger films to smaller projects for a fee. Speaking of The Dark Knight Rises, when can we expect a preview?

1:01 – Sarah Ferguson Duchess of York? Can someone please explain to me why she is still making the morning show rounds? I swear she has been on the Today show at least 3 times a week for the past 20 years. (Note: I don’t really think this character is voiced by Fergie. At least I don’t after my wife corrected me.)

1:13 – Well this has become totally unrealistic. Brent Mustberger doesn’t have the time to announce a grand prix race. Not with the Little League World Series on the horizon.

1:36 – Who’s the main star of this film: Owen Wilson or Larry the Cable Guy? Judging from this preview it seems as if LtCG is the main draw. But why? I thought attendance at NASCAR events was way down this year.

1:52 – I can’t believe we’re nearly two minutes into a Cars preview and “Life is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts has yet to be prominently featured. This has to be a first. I hope somewhere Tom Cochrane is smiling.

The Plod

Lightning McQueen is a world famous racing car about to take on the best of the best in the biggest grand prix race of the year. It is soon revealed that McQueen is being targeted by an evil international consortium. Michael Cain and Sarah Ferguson believe Larry the Cable Guy is behind the plan to sabotage the big race. Owen Wilson and LtCG have a melodramatic falling out before the big race. Eventually, Larry the Cable Guy is absolved of any wrong doing and returns to save the day, and race, for his good old friend Owen Wilson. Lightning McQueen wins the race, falls for the Duchess of York, and LtCG becomes an honorary member of the British Secret Service.

Cars 2 as it relates to a Major Sports Story

I’ll go with Jack McKeon returning to manage the Florida Marlins at the ripe old age of 80. His first order of business, bench Hanley Ramirez for being late. I love old people, they just don’t care what anyone else thinks. How, you ask, does this all relate to the Cars 2 preview? Easy, Larry the Cable Guy was forced out of Lightning McQueen’s inner circle much like Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria forced McKeon to retire as manager in 2005. Now, as the big race approaches, both McQueen and Loria have regained their senses and rehired their most trusted confidants.

Easy. Right?

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @joecapmarlins



Plodding Through the Previews: Green Lantern

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Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also connect the movie to a current sports story however, this final pursuit may result in complete and abject failure.

Green Lantern

Is this really what the general public wants, weekend after weekend of CGI souped up comic book adaptations? I know it made a lot of money but did any one enjoy Thor? And don’t pigeonhole the recent Christopher Nolan Batman films as just comic book adaptations. That series has been cultivated to fit the interests of main stream moviegoers not just attendees of the recent Comic Con.

This weekend we are graced with the presence of Green Lantern, another movie based on a beloved comic book starring an overly charismatic Ryan Reynolds, now sans Scarlett Johansson. I typically like Reynolds even though a lot off people find him smug and overly cynical. Frankly, I don’t see why the guy just doesn’t stick to his wheelhouse which is any rom/com costarring Sandra Bullock.

A Second by Second Breakdown

:10 – Nope. Un-un. Not gonna work. I’m sick of the CGI. It is too much to ask to give me real Green Lanterns with real receding hairlines and real fish gills? For the record, I’m not anti comic book adaptation. I’m anti comic book adaptation that uses CGI as a storytelling crutch. I respect the mythology and symbolism of comics but do not understand why comic book movies must continue to assault our senses with over the top CGI. I guess some filmmakers just do not respect the intelligence of the average moviegoer.

:18 – Man that voice is familiar, where have I heard it before? And why do I want to buy a Jaguar XJ 7?

:37 – First shot of a clearly brooding Ryan Reynolds. Probably still lamenting the loss of his now ex wife who I think we’re all happy to hear is no longer dating Sean Penn.

1:10 – Alright, I can get down with this ring conjuring thoughts thing. Reminds me of that classic scene from Ghostbusters where Dan Aykroyd summons the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. If any of us where in that situation we would have done the same thing. You can’t be told not to think about something without then thinking about that something. Don’t think about the Republican debate last night! You see….

1:28 – Inspector Clouseau, what are you doing here?

1:39 – Copyright infringement! Copyright infringement! Eric Stoltz and the makers of Mask should sue Peter Saarsgard. And poor Tim Robbins. We really have gone a long way since Shawshank Redemption, heck even Arlington Road.

1:47 – Ohh Blake Lively. She seems really nice. You see kids this is why you always give previews a chance.

1:51 – Now Saarsgard is ripping off Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II.

2:14 – “In brightest day. In blackest night.” Catchy. I kinda like the Green Lantern oath. Next have to figure out how I can weave it into a work email. Suggestions?

Preview Review

So here’s the deal, a talented but underachieving Hal Jordan faces a critical turning point in his life when all of a sudden a pink alien crashes through a barn and delivers Jordan a powerful ring that looks like it came out of a box of Cap’ N Crunch. At first, Hal doesn’t want or understand the power he now possesses. Eventually he puts the ring on and is magically catapulted through the sky to a different galaxy where he meets his fellow Green Lanterns and learns about his new power, responsibility.

Upon returning to earth, Peter Sarsgaard has started to eat the remains of the former Green Lantern and slowly starts to morph into Barry Bonds. Hal Jordan returns just in time to confront Captain Forehead but discovers that he needs helps. So….he returns to planet Lantern to recruit the services of his fellow Greenies who begrudgingly oblige. In the end, a few Lanterns perish but Hal survives, beats the bad guy, gets the Gossip Girl, and sets up the sequel – pending box office returns.

Plodding Scale: 4/10 Donkeys

Connection to a Current Sports Story

Let’s go with the Stanley Cup Finals and those Vancouver Canuck fans who dress up in green body suits in an attempt to intimidate opposing players sitting in the penalty box. Fellas, you better bring your A game Wednesday night because Roberto Luongo is going to need all the help he can get after a stunningly inadequate performance last night in Game 6. Honestly, there was a point last night during the first period where the Canucks would have been better off putting one of the Sedin twins between the pipes. Needless to say, I don’t think Luongo is going to be making any trips back to Boston during the offseason.

view from TD BankNorth Garden courtesy of @VanCanucks