CINCINNATI (-2.5) over San Francisco: I have two lasting memories from Super Bowl XVI, 1) Tim Krumrie breaking his leg followed by the grotesque slow motion “spaghetti ankle” and 2) Joe Montana pointing out John Candy sitting at the 50 yard just as the 49ers were about to break the huddle on their Super Bowl clinching drive.

BUFFALO (+8.5) over New England: This Patriots secondary still gives me the willies. Also, I’m loving the whole “would Ryan Fitzpatrick be so popular if he hadn’t gone to Harvard” discussion. I feel like this is a Bob Bradley Op-ed in The Buffalo News just waiting to happen.

NEW ORLEANS (-4) over Houston: Two Gulf Coast cities forever linked by Hurricane Katrina. It seems like only yesterday that Saints owner Tom Benson was threatening to move the Saints to San Antonio. Now, there is no NFL team as synonymous with their city as the Saints and New Orleans. And speaking of Hurricane Katrina, what would Larry David do without Leon Black?

PHILADELPHIA (-7) over NY Giants: Giants had very little business beating the Rams last Monday night. Furthermore, how much longer will Eli Manning defenders use the whole “it gets really windy in the Meadowlands” excuse for why he can’t throw a 10 yard out pattern before the majority of New Yorkers forget all about Super Bowl XLII and wish the younger Manning would donate a few extra vertebrae to older brother Peyton?

CLEVELAND (-2.5) over Miami: If you combined these two teams they would have a really good shot at the playoffs.

Denver (+6.5) over TENNESSEE: If Tim Tebow stays at WR for the Broncos does it mean he is going to have to change his number from #16? If so, can all those fans who bought his jersey receive some sort of refund?

Detroit (-3.5) over MINNESOTA: I really should have stopped betting on Donovan McNabb 15 years ago when he was riding the pine for the Syracuse Orange basketball team backing up Jason Hart and Marius Janulis.

CAROLINA (-3.5) over Jacksonville: Things I learned from the Brooklyn Flea Market Part II. #1: Bison Jerky is just as good as Beef Jerky. #2: Everyone in Brooklyn dresses the exact same way. #3: Never drive home to Connecticut on a Sunday afternoon when the Hutchinson River Parkway is shut down to a single lane, you have a screaming 7 month old in the backseat, and the only football option on the radio is the second half of Jets/Jaguars.

SAN DIEGO (-14.5) over Kansas City: At least Kansas City has the Royals.

OAKLAND (+3.5) over NY Jets: Upset Special!!! Upset Special!!! And speaking of Oakland, did you hear Moneyball is coming out this weekend and that Brad Pitt may or may not still hate Jennifer Aniston? According to Will Leitch at Yahoo Projector, the more you like baseball the less you’ll like this movie.

Baltimore (-3.5) over ST. LOUIS: I’m calling it right now, Rams start the season 0-3 and still go on to win the NFC West.

TAMPA BAY (-1.5) over Atlanta: Pewter is not sympathetic to sweat. The Bucs tend to look like PGA golfer Tim Herron after a mid July round at Congressional.

SEATTLE (+3.5) over Arizona: With the release of Pearl Jam Twenty, a documentary directed by Cameron Crowe and dedicated to one of the most iconic, influential American rock and roll bands of the last quarter century, here’s a list of my five favorite PJ songs.

5) State of Love and Trust: So complex and yet so elemental. The title alone forces you to conjure the corner of a busy emotional intersection.

4) Just Breathe: What? Guys can like this song too!

3) Elderly Women Behind the Counter in A Small Town: “Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.”

2) Corduroy: Brings me back to the days when I was driving home from high school basketball practice and the only CD’s in my Case Logic were Vitalogy and my dad’s copy of Des’ree I Ain’t Movin.

1) Rearviewmirror: This one always makes me want to drive about 20 miles over the speed limit. Plus, when played live, the commotion/hysteria that builds throughout the crowd is usually enough to blow the whole damn roof off of the building.

CHICAGO (+3.5) over Green Bay: Jay Glazer is erratic, like “can’t trust him behind the wheel of a car” kind of twitchy. During his Real Sports interview with Bryant Gumbel, Glazer was never an arms length away from his two cell phones and a bottle of 5 Hour Energy. At least now we know how Clay Matthews became the dominant pass rusher in the NFL. All it took was a combination of MMA training and bronzing powder.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) over Indianapolis: Speaking of Glazer, this Peyton Manning/European stem cell story is not receiving nearly enough attention. For starters, doesn’t it seem fairly ridiculous that Manning would have to travel across the Atlantic Ocean to receive this kind of advanced medical treatment? Shouldn’t this issue have been raised last night at the GOP debate in Orlando? Can we at least blame Chris Wallace for the oversight?

WASHINGTON (+5.5) over Dallas: Is it ethical for a defensive player to target Tony Romo’s ribs, knowing full well that he is playing with a punctured lung. I for one can’t believe Romo is even considering taking the field with that kind of injury. If I had a punctured lung I wouldn’t be tying my own shoes let alone going to work.

Last Week 8-8 (season: 16-16)

view from Nippert Stadium courtesy of @BennyCL

 

 

Week 2 (home team in CAPS)

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Chicago: The Big Easy tops the list of cities I wish I visited before I got married. Next is Last Vegas, last is Paducah, Kentucky.

DETROIT (-8.5) over Kansas City: How did Kansas City, a quaint midwestern hamlet, get to be known for its BBQ? Seems like a fairly random pairing sort of like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes or Rex Ryan and a salad.

Jacksonville (+9.5) over NY JETS: I’ll be in Brooklyn for most of Sunday afternoon and to mark the occasion I expect all you hipsters to don your favorite NBA throwback, replete with a slashed pair of baggy cargo shorts and low top cons. Don’t let me down Williamsburg!

BUFFALO (-3.5) over Oakland: I’m riding these Bills and their new uniforms all the way to the AFC Wild Card!

WASHINGTON (-4) over Arizona: The beltway has jumped all over the Skins as the surprise team in the NFC. Many now believe that Washington will contend for a spot in the playoffs which is remarkable considering that their top 3 wide receivers are Santana Moss, Anthony Armstong, and Jabar Gaffney.

TENNESSEE (+6) over Baltimore: What happened to Chris Johnson last week? 9 rushes for only 24 yards? That’s a horrible performance by even Reggie Bush standards. I guess football players need the preseason after all.

Seattle (+14) over PITTSBURGH: 14 points seems like a lot of points in only the second week of the season. Having said that, I would not be surprised if the Steelers won this game by three touchdowns.

Green Bay (-9.5) over CAROLINA: Ironic that the same week Cam Newton goes off for 400+ passing yards in his NFL debut, The Atlantic publishes a story about the corruption in college sports. It’s a great read and as a historian I really appreciated the comparison of college athletics to colonialism. The whole time I was reading the article I couldn’t help but picture Steve Spurrier aboard the HMS Victory.

MINNESOTA (-3) over Tampa Bay: Don’t like hearing about the large forest fire running along the Minnesota/Canada border and hope it’s under control before destroying too much of the pristine/peaceful northwoods.

INDIANAPOLIS (+2.5) over Cleveland: Is it too late for NBC/ESPN/NFLNET to pull all Colts games out of primetime? If week 1 was any indication, Al and Chris are going to have a tough time filling the air during the second half of Steelers/Colts on Sept 25. I hope Faith Hill is available for a live drop in.

Dallas (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO: Strange that SF Giants CEO Bill Neukom has been asked to step down by the other members of the ownership group. Was it a simple case of “what have you done for me lately” or perhaps a question of financial transparency? Either way, I’ll miss the bow tie.

Houston (-3) over MIAMI: You don’t have to spend nights in the basement of NFL Films to see that this Dolphins secondary is absolutely, positively overmatched. There were a few moments during Monday night’s game against the Patriots where I wanted to physically reach through the television screen and give Nolan Carroll a big hug and tell him that it’s not his fault.

San Diego (+7) over NEW ENGLAND: This Tedy Bruschi/Ochocinco kerfuffle is one of the most overblown kerfuffle’s in the history of kerfuffle’s. Mike and Mike weighed in on the subject this morning and I could have sworn that they were simultaneously agreeing and disagreeing with one another. It was like a bad version of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s On First”.

DENVER (-4) over Cincinnati: There’s a 60% chance that the entire country doesn’t even know this game is being played. Wait, that doesn’t even make sense.

ATLANTA (+2.5) over Philadelphia: I’m giving Atlanta one more chance before completely bailing on them this season. In retrospect, this is exactly what I should have done with season 1 of the The Killing.

NY GIANTS (-5.5) over St. Louis: Monday Night Football ain’t what it used to be. I can remember being a kid and just hoping to convince my parents to let me watch the first quarter before heading up to bed. Now, I can’t imagine many young football fans clamoring to stay up so they can see Cadillac Williams averaging 3 yards a carry or Eli Manning throwing another red zone interception.

Last Week: 8-8

view from 49ers/Seahawks courtesy of @FaleshaAnkton

Nothing gets me jazzed up quite like the start of another NFL season and the weekly picks post. As usual, it’s probably best if these picks are taken with a grain of salt for I’m dealing with a severe lack of insight and insider knowledge.

Week 1 (home team in CAPS)

New Orleans (+4) over GREEN BAY – This is a three point game either way. Also can’t remember a better Thursday night opener than this matchup between the last two Super Bowl champs. You think Lambeau Field is ready for this game? In honor of the opener, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has offered extended furloughs to all state employees. Oh wait, that’s NOT just because of the start of the NFL season? My bad.

Pittsburgh (+2.5) over BALTIMORE – What if I told you that the Ravens may not even finish second in their division? Or that David Garrard finishes the year as the Baltimore starting QB. And what if I told you that I just finished Season 2 of The Wire? I’m a little late to the party I understand, but I’m trying to catch up in a shallow attempt to regain some sort of street cred and also to help me understand what in the hell Jason Whitlock and Bill Simmons are talking about.

TAMPA BAY (-1.5) over Detroit – Just let your soul glow!!! (Yes, I know, I’ve used this Josh Freeman looks like Eriq La Salle from Coming to America before but when something works it works.)

Atlanta (-3) over CHICAGO – Some of you may remember that earlier this summer I made a pledge to not make fun of Jay Cutler and the “knee injury” that occurred during the NFC Championship game against the Packers. However, in the absence of anything really interesting to say about the Bears or this game, let me just point out that the Bears have in fact installed 4 new exercises bikes on the 40 yard line.

Buffalo (+5.5) over KANSAS CITY – I smell a revival for the Bills and the entire city of Buffalo. If Pittsburgh can turn itself into an affordable hipster alternative to Brooklyn/San Fran, what’s stopping Buffalo from emerging as the next trendy haunt? I’m also riding these sweet new Bills uniforms until the first Fitzpatrick interception returned for a touchdown.

Indianapolis (+8.5) over HOUSTON – Texas, we’ve had our differences before but if I could, I would bottle up all the rain we’re getting here in the northeast and ship it down to the parts of your state hardest hit by the ongoing drought/fires.

Philadelphia (-5) over ST. LOUIS – Lots of “pickers” smell an upset brewing in STL this weekend which is usually enough of a reason to stay away from this game completely.

Cincinnati (+6.5) over CLEVELAND – Upset special!!!! Upset special!!!! Bengals 17 Browns 14. Andy Dalton becomes the most popular red headed athlete in Cincinnati since Bobby Brannen.

Tennessee (+2) over JACKSONVILLE – Put me with the group of people who don’t think the Titans will be as bad as everyone else is saying. Also, do you really want to put your faith and money in the trusted right arm of Luke McCown?

NY Giants (-3) over WASHINGTON – I’m making Rex Grossman earn it for at least the first week.

ARIZONA (-7) over Carolina – Tough position for the rookie Cam Newton. He will however be starting his first career NFL game in the spot where he won the BCS National Championship with the Auburn Tigers last January.

Seattle (+5) over SAN FRANCISCO – Let the battle for Andrew Luck begin!

Minnesota (+8.5) over SAN DIEGO – Philip Rivers use to be my least favorite QB in the NFL but now that he’s on my fantasy football team, I feel like I should probably root for the guy to put up some big numbers. But don’t expect me to like it.

NEW YORK JETS (-4.5) over Dallas – At a neutral site this game is probably Jets (-2.5) but since this game will be played in the Meadowlands on the 10 anniversary of 9/11, (-7) for the team from New York feels about right.

New England (-7) over MIAMI – Usually this game is played under much more adverse conditions when the South Florida sun is blazing and the Patriots defense gives up a late TD. But 7pm Monday night is an ideal time for the high powered NE offense to kick into gear.

DENVER (-3) over Oakland – It’s not often that a 4th string QB has one of the highest selling jersey’s in the NFL.

view from Lambeau Field courtesy of twittaholic @darrenrovell