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If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 8

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Indianapolis (+8.5) over TENNESSEE – It’s fun to try and think about what the spread of each Colts game this season would have been if Peyton Manning were healthy and playing. Take for example this matchup against the Titans. With Manning, I say the line goes to Colts (-6.5). Also, to whomever suggested this past week that Manning deserves a few MVP votes…you sir are a pot stirring nincompoop.

Jacksonville (+9.5) over Houston – The potential return of Andre Johnson means two things: 1) Texans tease the cover and win game 21-13 and 2) my fantasy team gets back on track after nearly three full weeks of mediocrity. How does the old saying go? You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken____?

CAROLINA (-3.5) over Minnesota – For some strange reason this matchup between two teams who are a combined 3-11 is one of the more appealing of all the 1pm starts. Probably has something to do with the two rookie quarterbacks, Cam Newton and Christian Ponder. I won’t be as excited if this game some how ends up involving Donovan McNabb.

New Orleans (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS – How exactly is a high ankle sprain any different from a regular ankle sprain? Is there such a thing as a low ankle sprain? In high school, I can remember rolling my ankle at least once a varsity basketball game. Today, my ligaments are so stretched out that I sprain an ankle climbing the stairs.

BALTIMORE (-13) over Arizona – What the heck happened last Monday night? Maurice Jones-Drew fumbled the ball four times and the Jaguars STILL managed to beat the Ravens. Is it all on QB Joe Flacco? It certainly seems like a lot of Baltimore fans are piling on the Delaware grad right now. I say give him a break. After all, it wasn’t too long ago that he was still living in his parents basement driving a beat up old Ford Taurus wagon.

NY GIANTS (-10) over Miami – It would be so like the Giants to play down to their competition here. However, since these are the dysfunctional Dolphins, there’s a better chance of Tony Sparano getting fired during halftime than of Miami actually winning this game.

BUFFALO (-6) over Washington – Since Buffalo is allowed to play one game a year in Toronto, then I think it’s only fair for teams like Seattle and Minnesota to schedule a “home” game in Canada as well. Imagine how crazy Edmonton would go for Vikings/Cardinals.

Detroit (-3) over DENVER – I never really got into the whole planking thing. I always thought it was a little unsanitary to lay across the jewelry display at your local Macy’s. But I’ll tell you, this tebowing thing has some real potential.

New England (-3) over PITTSBURGH – At what point Sunday do you think we will be able to tell who Jim Nantz is pulling for? I say second quarter after Simms drops the 8th “Ben” of the day.

SAN FRANCISCO (-8.5) over Cleveland – The Browns are like gambling kryptonite. Doesn’t matter who you take in this game it will most certainly come back to haunt you. Speaking of haunting, really looking froward to my first Halloween as a father. Of course, my son is much to young to enjoy candy himself which means….more Take 5’s for me!!!!!

SEATTLE (+3) over Cincinnati – I hope the Seahawks are the next team to go back to their “old school” uniforms. It would bring back such fond memories of Dave Krieg and Steve Largent.

Dallas (+3.5) over PHILADELPHIA – I watched a few minutes of the Chuck Wepner documentary on ESPN and one thing was made abundantly clear; the Bayonne County Park is just not the same thing as the Philadelphia Art Museum.

San Diego (-3.5) over KANSAS CITY – I for one am a huge proponent of the playoff, or in the case of Chiefs head coach Todd Haley, winning streak beard. It’s a proven fact that unkempt facial hair is good for at least one or two victories a season.

Last Week 6-7 (Overall 56-47)

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @akosnitzky

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 7

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Chicago (-1) over Tampa Bay: The London game use to be a big deal, kind of like the league was showcasing itself just in case they decided to expand overseas. Now all we care about is whether or not Jay Cutler and Kristen Cavallari were spotted together shopping in Piccadilly Circus.

CAROLINA (-2.5) over Washington – Is the Republican Party really prepared to nominate a Mormon for President in 2012? Perhaps we’ll have our answer after we see how the nation’s capital embraces former BYU star, and now Redskins starting QB, John Beck.

San Diego (-2) over NY JETS: It’s safe to say that Mike Francesa will not be having Rex Ryan over for Thanksgiving dinner in Oyster Bay anytime soon. I’m not sure what precipitated such hostility between the irascible sports talk host and the boastful Jets head coach but whatever it was, the stench still lingers today. Just yesterday afternoon, Mike was having a grand old time ripping apart Rex for comments he made regarding Norv Turner and the San Diego Chargers. Jets fans have to be getting close to being fed up with their head coach.

CLEVELAND (-3) over Seattle: Of course LeBron James would be a nasty NFL receiver. All a quarterback would have to do is lob the ball towards the back pylon and let LeBron climb through the air like he was on a breakaway. Think Calvin Johnson with even more hops and the same number of championships.

TENNESSEE (-3) over Houston: Can you believe that the AFC South is going to come down to these two teams? And can you also believe that Matt Hasselbeck is carrying the Titans offense for Chris Johnson? That’s what I thought.

Denver (+1.5) over MIAMI: The Dolphins are really bad and should seriously consider, if they haven’t already, tanking games for Andrew Luck. Serious question, will there be more fans in Sun Life Stadium rooting for the Tim Tebow or the Miami Dolphins?

DETROIT (-3.5) over Atlanta: Why is Chrysler the only American car company to capitalize on the recent Detroit Rock City renaissance? Those ads featuring Eminem and Ndamukong Suh are incredibly effective. I was this close to leasing a LeBaron for my grandmother.

Kansas City (+4.5) over Oakland: Does this mean Jordan Palmer is coming to Oakland as well?

Pittsburgh (-3.5) over ARIZONA: Wasn’t it just two seasons ago that these teams faced one another in the Super Bowl? A lot has changed since then. Ben Roethlisberger got married and Kurt Warner left the Cardinals for the NFL Network. And here we were thinking Warner was the consumate. committed family man.

St. Louis (+12) over Dallas: When’s the last time that the World Series featured teams from cities that were also playing against one another in football at the same time? Seriously, somebody look this up for me.

Green Bay (-9) over MINNESOTA: Why does FOX continue to insist that this is the NFC game of the week? It’s going to be sometime before this rivalry regains the juice it had just a few years back when Benedict Favre was playing for the Vikings against former Packers protege Aaron Rodgers. Now innocent, naive rookie Christian Ponder gets thrown to wolves in his first ever NFL start. “Thanks a lot DONOVAN!!!”

NEW ORLEANS (-14) over Indianapolis: I’m really amazed more NFL coaches don’t get injured during a game. How is it possible that Andy Reid has made it through well over a decade on the sidelines for the Philadelphia Eagles without some special teamer taking out both ACL’s, MCL’s, and an appendix?  Poor Sean Payton. Now he knows what life is like for Joe Paterno.

Baltimore (-7.5) over JACKSONVILLE: What”s with these Harbaugh’s anyway? First John chest bumps a sideline official then brother Jim nearly starts a post game riot in Detroit. What’s next? Sister Joani, who is married to Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean, threatening to trim Bob Knight’s thick, lustrous eyebrows? Also, this is the worst MNF game since last week’s Miami/NY Jets instant classic.

Last Week 7-6 (Overall 50-40)

view from Arizona/UCLA courtesy of @craigjames32 

 

 

 

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 6

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St. Louis (+15) over GREEN BAY – For some strange reason I’m enjoying this new Aaron Rodgers/State Farm Insurance commercial. Granted, it’s not of the same ilk as the Dan Marino/Isotoner spots from the 80’s but still, it had me chuckling. It also got me thinking, who is the least marketable starting QB in the NFL? I’d say it’s a tie between Blaine Gabbert and Donovan McNabb. Gabbert because he’s still so young and McNabb because nobody eats Campbell’s Chunky Soup anymore.

PITTSBURGH (-12) over Jacksonville – At what point does it become fair to compare the career arcs of Sidney Crosby and Eric Lindros? Both physically talented players were considered saviors in the NHL but had their time on the ice cut short by concussions. Of course, in the case of Crosby the story has yet to be written as we all await his eventual return to the ice. I for one hope he makes it back in time for December 1st when the Penguins visit the Capitals. I’ll be in DC for the weekend and have already started scheming my way into the arena. Of course, if you know of anyone with an extra ticket, feel free to email me with the details.

Philadelphia (-1.5) over WASHINGTON – Speaking of Washington, the Redskins have a legitimate shot of winning the NFC East. Maybe we were all a little quick to judge the aptitude of QB Rex Grossman after all. (Note: How many of you think that I end up regretting this last statement by the end of the season?)

DETROIT (-4) over San Francisco – At the start of this NFL season, who would have thought that this matchup would be arguably the best game of week 6? Also, if you have a chance, check out the pattern Calvin Johnson ran against the Bears to score that long touchdown in the first half of Monday Night’s Game from Detroit. He ran one of the laziest looking fly patterns I have ever seen, yet the Chicago secondary barely laid a finger on big #81 until it was too late and Megatron was already busy receiving “good seasons” from an over zealous auto plant worker in the Ford Field stands.

ATLANTA (-4) over Carolina – The NCAA has cleared Auburn of all charges in the Cam Newton pay for play scandal. Good news for Cam Newton but even better news for Tigers head coach, and personal fitness guru, Gene Chizik who continues his quest to ease War Eagle’s suffering after their tree was poisoned by a group of Crimson Tide loyalists.

INDIANAPOLIS (+7) over Cincinnati – Dare I say upset special? Why was it such a problem that Colts owner Jim Irsay talked about how, if given the opportunity, Indianapolis would draft Andrew Luck? Doesn’t it go without saying that whichever NFL team ends up with the top pick in 2012 draft that they will take the Stanford QB? Is there an NFL team out there that wouldn’t either make Luck the face of their franchise or trade the pick away to another team for a kings ransom?

NY GIANTS (-3.5) over Buffalo – The Gaints, and Eli Manning in particular, might be a better team on the road than at home. Speaking of the Meadowlands, the other night I was flipping back and forth between the ALCS and Hoffa starring Jack Nicholson and Danny DeVito and two things stood out: 1) Nicholson looks nothing like Jimmy Hoffa and 2) DeVito, who both directed and starred in the film, is really short and much funnier in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Houston (+7.5) over BALTIMORE – The torn pectoral muscle is the new ACL. In the span of a single week, Texans defensive end Mario Williams and Nebraska nose tackle Jared Crick each inured a chest muscle, ending both of their seasons. Each will make a full recovery but this does raise a fair question: why are so many football players coming down with this rather bizarre injury? The pessimist in me believes that this rash of torn pectoral muscles has to do with the fact that more players are taking performance enhancing drugs like HGH. The sports scientist in me says that these injuries are due to over conditioned athletes who may or may not be hydrating properly. Either way, the Houston Texans are playing this weekend without their star DE and WR which spells trouble until you realize that Joe Flacco is still the quarterback for the Ravens.

Cleveland (+6.5) over OAKLAND – Sounds like Raiders backup QB Terrelle Pryor harbors a desire to still be playing for the Ohio State Buckeyes. And to be fair, I’m sure OSU would love to have him back as well, especially considering what happened last weekend in Lincoln, NE.

NEW ENGLAND (-7) over Dallas – I wish this game were being played on Thanksgiving. In other news, one of my bosses called me in to work Sunday afternoon between 2:30-4:30. Don’t these people understand that there’s football to be watched? The instant you become a boss do you forget what it’s like to be a mid-level employee? I think a union needs to get involved involved before things spiral out of control and I go all sorts of postal on the company copier.

TAMPA BAY (+4.5) over New Orleans – Glas to see that Saints safety Roman Harper was fined after his cheap shot on Panthers WR Steve Smith. Doesn’t Harper understand that the “after the whistle late hit” has already been patented by Brandon Meriweather?

Chicago (-3) over Minnesota – This Bears offensive line better get its act together soon or else Jay Cutler is going to end up back on the exercise bike. In other Chicago news, what does everybody else think about former Boston GM, and prodigal son, Theo Epstein leaving the Red Sox to take over the Cubs? Personally, I think it’s a great move for all parties. The Cubs get a young Moneyballer with a proven track record of developing talent while the Red Sox cleanse themselves of all things September 2011. It’s just too bad Josh Beckett was involved in this deal as well. I hear the Wrigley Field clubhouse is an excellent place to shotgun 3-4 lukewarm Old Stlye’s.

NY JETS (-7) over Miami – Boy this is really a terrible terrible football game. All people are going to care about anyway is who ESPN finds to replace that narrow minded country bumpkin Hank Williams Jr. A few suggestions: 1) Manny Pacquiao 2) Faith Hill 3) Bernie Williams. As soon as this issue has been resolved, fans in New York can go back to griping about Jets OC Brian Shottenheimer and his suspect play calling. For the 14th time this week Bruce in Bayside, Mike Francesa does not have time for any of your trivial Jets nonsense!

Last week 8-5 (Overall 43-34)

 

 

View My Picks: NFL Week 5

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INDIANAPOLIS (-2.5) over Kansas City – This game was much more appealing back when both teams were fresh off of division winning seasons and before Peyton Manning, Eric Berry, and Jamaal Charles suffered season ending injuries. Now all you need to know about this game is that the E squad of Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcots are calling the game for CBS.

MINNESOTA (-2.5) over Arizona – A homecoming of sorts for Twin Cities native Larry Fitzgerald whose father, as we all know by now, is a reporter for a Minneapolis newspaper. Here’s a headline for you pops: “CARDINALS WR OPENLY RECRUITING KURT WARNER BACK TO DESERT”.

Philadelphia (-2.5) over BUFFALO – Why would Andy Reid put Juan Castillo in charge of the Eagles defense in the first place? Going from an offensive line coach to defensive coordinator does not seem like a natural transition at all. This would be like turning a major league catcher into a starting shortstop or perhaps a male model becoming a Senator from the state of Massachusetts.

Oakland (+6) over HOUSTON – The Raiders are one of the few teams in the NFL whose road/white uniforms look just as good as their home/color. Also on that list: Chargers, Packers, Giants, and Steelers.

CAROLINA (+6.5) over New Orleans – Darren Rovell is right, why would the Saints award Mercedes-Benz with the naming rights to the Superdome? To me, there’s nothing that screams continuing recovery from one of the largest national diasaters in American history quite like a $75K luxury sedan.

Cincinnati (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE – It makes total football sense for TCU to join the Big 12 in 2012, leaving the Big East behind before it actually ever joined. Since football is all but dead in the Big East anyway, the conference should go back to its basketball roots and return the focus to all the small Catholic schools from the Northeast that made the league so popular back in the early 80’s. Of course, it would help if Patrick Ewing were still playing for Georgetown.

PITTSBURGH (-3) over Tennessee – Dare I say a must win for the Steelers who with a 2-2 need to prove to the rest of the NFL that they are not too old to win in the NFL.

NY GIANTS (-10) over Seattle – Tarvaris Jackson + East Rutherford wind = lots of Seahawks turnovers.

SAN FRANCISCO (-3) over Tampa Bay – I don’t make much of Tiger Woods deciding to play in the Frys.com Open this weekend other than it serves as a nice warmup before the President’s Cup as well as a good opportunity to break in a new caddie. Also, why do I feel like I shouldn’t be visiting frys.com from a work computer?

NEW ENGLAND (-9) over NY Jets – The Patriots will be wearing their throwback “Pat Patriot ” uniforms Sunday and we can only hope that Tom Brady will come out sporting the retro Steve Grogan neck roll.

DENVER (+4) over San Diego – If I had known that Philip Rivers has 6 children I never would have drafted him on my fantasy team. Parenting is EXHAUSTING!!!

Green Bay (-6) over ATLANTA – Rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game and even though the Falcons are 2-2 it still feels like these two teams are headed in opposite directions.

Chicago (+5.5) over DETROIT – I read a really cool story from NPR about how many of Detroit’s vacant city lots are being turned into organic farmstands. I wouldn’t think that this relatively new venture is going to end up bringing many people back to the Motor City but perhaps they can help to dress up the barren landscape of economic despair.

Last Week 10-6 (Overall 35-29)

view from the Coliseum courtesy of @charliepanian

View My Picks: NFL Week 4

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Detroit (+1) over DALLAS: Yummy!!!! You can’t have these two teams play eachother and not think about the glorious holiday of over eating holidays that is Thanksgiving. And for the first time in 20 years, the 12:30pm kickoff in Detroit between the Lions and Green Bay Packers means much much more than the Cowboys game vs the Dolphins.

New Orleans (-7) over JACKSONVILLE: Speaking of the Bayou, I watched LSU beat up West Virginia last Saturday night and I was flabergasted by the amount of NFL talent on the field for the Tigers. Their entire defense is comprised of athletes who will soon play on Sundays and if their QB remains even semi-competent this season, I can’t see how they don’t end up making it to the BCS championship game. Also, the WVU coach looks like a frothier version of Clint Howard.

San Francisco (+7.5) over PHILADELPHIA: I love how Jim Harbaugh kept the 49ers in Youngstown, Ohio this week instead of flying them back to the west coast after their game in Cincinnati before having to turn right back around to play the Eagles in Philadelphia this weekend. I wonder if the team took a trip to the cinema to watch Lion King 3-D?

Washington (PK) over ST. LOUIS: The Rams looked terrible last week and the Redskins didn’t look much better. Count me as one of the many baseball fans who cannot believe the St. Louis Cardinals made it back to the postseason. I thought the biggest story out of Busch Stadium this season was going to be whether or not Albert Pujols resigns with the club this winter.

Tennessee (-1) over CLEVELAND: Wouldn’t it be just Cleveland’s luck if pieces of that space junk had landed somewhere near their city? The whole time NASA was talking about how they weren’t quite sure where and when the satellite debris was going to strike I kept hoping that it would end up somewhere near Peter Angelos backyard in Westminster, MD.

CINCINNATI (+3) over Buffalo: Upset Special!!! Upset Special!!! Classic letdown game for the Bills of Buffalo who better hurry up and build that new stadium before retreating to Toronto like the British during the War of 1812. Too soon? Maybe, but just remember that a few months back I predicted this Rust Belt Revival.

Minnesota (-1.5) over KANSAS CITY: I’m not so sure this game will be carried in either the Minneapolis/St. Paul or Kansas City local markets. The Vikings better keep giving the ball to Adrian Peterson or else they’re going to have a pissed off $100 million man on their hands.

Carolina (+6.5) over CHICAGO: Are Jay Cutler and Kristen Cavallari really getting back together and if so, can we expect the Bears QB to be present when KC hoists the Dancing With The Stars trophy this November?

Pittsburgh (+4) over HOUSTON: Maybe the Steelers are getting old after all. Maybe this is Houston’s year. Maybe Chris Christie is going to run for President.

Atlanta (-4.5) over SEATTLE: Time for this Falcons team to get serious. If they lose to the Seahawks you can pretty much count them out in the NFC South. And for the Atlanta Braves, it’s going to be a long offseason for Fredi Gonzalez and the rest of the organization. Good news, they’re young and all their top prospects are pitchers.

NY Giants (-1.5) over ARIZONA: Starting to feel like this Giants team could have a little “nobody believed in us” in them. And since we’re talking about New York, I went into the city last night to watch Pearl Jam Twenty and came away with three main observations: 1) How different the world would have been if “Daughter” were actually titled “Brother”. 2) Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain…maybe not the best of friends. 3) Neil Young is so close to the band that Vedder refers to him as Uncle Neil.

Miami (+7) over San Diego: San Diego is going to win or lose every game this season by less than 7 points. It’s a mortal lock, as sure a thing as Whitney being cancelled before the holidays.

Denver (+13) over Green Bay: This weekend, the biggest game in Wisconsin takes place in Madison not Green Bay as the Badgers open the Big Ten season against conference newbies Nebraska. I had some early designs on attending this game in person but soon realized that the entire Midwest would be converging on State Street like an over-served freshman looking for a bratwurst.

OAKLAND (+4.5) over New England: For the Boston Red Sox, after last night put the final nail in the worst September collapse in MLB history, expect some major overreacting and paradigm shifting on Yawkey Way this offseason. Terry Francona shouldn’t be fired but the Sox need to hire some better personal trainers, really anyone to keep their pitching staff in better shape.

BALTIMORE (-3.5) over NY Jets: The Tampa Bay Rays need to send Chris Davis, Nolan Reimold, and Robert Andino a few nice big fruit baskets after what they did to the Red Sox last night. My only wish is that the Orioles were playing for a spot in the playoffs themselves and not set to finish the season 28 games out of 1st place.

Indianapolis (+10) over TAMPA BAY: The big question Monday night, will Josh Freeman vs Curtis Painter be able to outdraw repeats of NCIS airing on USA?

Last week 9-7 (overall 25-23)

view from Camden Yards courtesy of @chitwoodhobbs