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In honor of The Masters, myself and VMS contributor Dave are taking you through Augusta National, hole by hole, playing the course as if we were part of the field. Part III includes holes 13-18.

Jon: So, while we wait to tee off, who’s going to win the 2011 Masters anyway? My money is on either Luke Donald or Phil Mickelson.

Dave: I got Dustin Johnson , Rory McIlroy, and Tiger Woods. Basically all the favorites.

No. 13 “Azalea” Par 5 , 510 yards

Jon: End of Amen Corner, my prayers go unanswered after a lost opportunity to reach the green in two once I shank my drive towards Atlanta. I’ll take a solid 9.

Dave: Can I just tee off from the pine straw on this one?  So much was made about Phil’s amazing 2nd last year, but not enough is made of him pushing the eagle past the hole.  I’m on in 6 here (after 5 from the straw).  And, for good measure, I make my putt for the double.  Because that’s the difference between Phil and me.  And that I read the greens in Braille.

Jon: Funny, I totally forgot that Phil missed that eagle putt. Give him a break though, last year was a win for the family.

Dave: Great win for Phil and the whole family.  Now, if only they could find a proper tailor for daddy.

Jon: That was pretty low mister and way too easy. Moving on to 14. your honor your honor.

No. 14 “Chinese Fir” Par 4, 440 yards

Dave: “The primary defense on this bunkerless par four is a terraced putting surface that drops significantly from left to right.”  This is how the Masters folks describe Chinese Fir.  Hahahaha!  More putts than approach shots here, which wouldn’t be scarce.  My honor is besmirched.  9.

Jon: I get the same feeling reading the hole descriptions from The Masters website that I do reading the safety procedures on a plane. In both cases, if and when things go wrong I am going to panic. No sand no problem. Give me a 6. Ready to dance with the Firethorn?

No. 15 “Firethorn” Par 5, 530 yards

Dave: These holes either sound like painful rashes, or old-timey names for debutantes. Have at it.

Jon: Well, I have dreams about reaching this green in two, giving myself a chance to putt for eagle as the gallery at 16 looks on. But my eyes are definitely bigger than my stomach and I’ll have to live with the disappointment of another errant tee shot and water hazard to boot. Give me an 8.

Dave: I, too, have packed my trucks.  Unavoidable, I’m afraid.  When I hear “reachable Par 5”, I’m thinking in 5.  In this case, though, I’m on in 7, after 2 well-intentioned hybrids into the pond.  (Still haven’t figured out how to line up that club yet.  It’s like it was designed by aliens.)  The green seems “straight forward”.  Three putts, and I’ve got my first double digit hole.  10.

Jon: No way you go 14 holes before a double digit score. You’re just not that good a golfer.

Dave: I don’t tell you how to design your fantasies, do I? Next hole is both a rash AND a chaste debutante: Redbud.  Go!

No. 16 “Redbud” Par 3, 170 yards

Jon: I love Verne Lundquist sooo much. I would pay him gobs of money to announce me washing the dishes. Believe it or not, I’m putting for birdie on this one. And, after a close miss, I tap in for par.

Dave: All this water here scares me.  I try to play it safe and aim for the left of the green.  Too bad I scull a screamer WAY left.  It does clear the drink, though, and I’m pitching from the Redbuds– which happen to be beautiful up close.  I’m on in 4, with a nice two-putt up the hill.  No hazards and no 3-putts.  My round is made here.  Now where is that drink girl?

Jon: You mean drink boy right? Did you forgot that this is Augusta and that the lady folk are frowned upon in these parts? Show us the way around 17.

No. 17 “Nandina” Par 4, 440 yards

Dave: Before we tuck into Nandina (rare exotic disease AND the given name of my Ukrainian maternal great-grandmother), a little history for you. Now, to my dear Nandina. This one is framed around the majestic Eisenhower Tree.  To avoid the imposing greenside bunkers, I– unwisely– choose to play up the left side.  In and out of my forest, I’ve got a clear shot to the front of the green from about 100.  I hit a wedge too fat, and I’m in the right bunker anyway.  From there, it’s a little more misery: out in 3, 3 more putts.  Another 10. This course is a lot easier on X-Box

Jon: I am so underwhelmed by 17. Feels out of place between the majesty of 16 and grace of 18. But, I’m sure golf historians would tell me that many a Masters has been won or lost on 17. Blah blah blah blah blah. Give me a 7 and bring on the grace!

No. 18 “Holly” Par 4, 465 yards

Jon: Before we tee of we should take a moment to thank Billy Payne and all other members for allowing us to write about our totally fictional round at Augusta. Your generosity knows no bounds.

Dave: Nor, I imagine, does the nuanced sense of humor of the entire Masters contingent.  Thanks.

Jon: I finish 18 with a sand wedge and a snowman. As I exit the green, Elin Nordegren is there to congratulate me on a well played round. Eat your heart out Tiger! (Just kidding. Can we still be friends?)

Dave: I just took the “virtual flyover” on the Masters website.  I can’t believe how narrow the landing is here.  Seems impossible, even for the pros.  I guess they really have to earn it Again, I can’t hit driver here (slice), so I’m spitting into the wind with my hybrid up the hill.  “Near in 4”, on in 6, down in 9.  Which happens to be one third of the number of different financial services companies who will advertise during Masters Sunday.  Depressing for those of us whose finances aren’t quite eligible for servicing.

Jon: Its The Masters. Everyone is eligible for servicing!!

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Final Scores: Jon 120 Dave 139

views from Augusta National courtesy of @RickieFowlerPGA and @bubbawatson

In honor of the Masters, myself and VMS contributor Dave are taking you through Augusta National, hole by hole, playing the course as if we were part of the field. Part II includes holes 7-12. Look for Part I here and Part III later today or tomorrow morning.

Hole No. 7 “Pampas” Par 4, 450 yards

Jon: What exactly is a Pampas?

Dave: I believe Pampas was an old wooden ship used during Civil War times.

Jon: Ok, good, so you have no idea either. I really am looking forward to Jim Nantz saying “and Tiger Woods climbs the tee box and reaches Pampas”.  Anyway, tight fairway means I’m playing shot number two from under a large pine. Knock down 3 iron puts me in front bunker. At this point, feeling a little better about my sand game so out in one but putting remains and issue. I’ll take a 6.

Dave: I don’t think people really understand how bad my slice is. Would you say that I lose about 150 yards of distance with my driver? In any case, I’m giving myself a 6 here as well but mostly because the pain/fear of playing Augusta has been dulled by my 4th cocktail of the afternoon.

Hole No. 8 “Yellow Jasmine” Par 5, 570 yards

Jon: I always try to hit my drive too hard on Par 5’s. Yellow Jasmine would be no different. The good news, there aren’t any bunkers surrounding the green. The bad news, you’re still putting on what is the equivalent of a sheet of ice tilted at a 45 degree angle. Give me a 9.

Dave: See your problem is that you haven’t yet realized that you aren’t any good and won’t be any good until you can play about 4 rounds a golf a week which is never going to happen for you because you will never be able to retire. Double par me!!!

Hole No. 9 “Carolina Cherry” Par 4, 460 yards

Jon: Carolina Cherry sounds like the perfect name for a soft drink. I’m not much for soda but I would definitely love to wash down a big old pulled pork sandwich w/ a frosty mug of Carolina Cherry.

Dave: I presume they would have Diet Carolina Cherry as well then.

Jon: I assume so yes. Back to the course, I’ll make the turn with a 5 putt and a 10. Total score through 9 holes: 54.

Dave: No way you shoot a 54 on the front 9. Be realistic, we’re talking about Augusta National. I’ll give myself an 8 here but only because I get lucky and hit the stick with a sand wedge from about 10 yards off the green. Total score through 9 holes: 63

Hole No. 10 “Camellia” Par 4, 495 yards

Jon: You once dated a Camellia right Dave?

Dave: Correct, and I don’t really want to talk about it. Ironically, one of her problems with my lifestyle was that I played too much golf. Go figure. Old wounds never really completely heal. I’ll take my 9 and a golf bag full of memories on to the next hole.

Jon: So sad. Well if it makes any difference I didn’t really care for Camellia, you ex not the hole, that much either. The pimento cheese sandwich and large Carolina Cherry have me reinvigorated!! Mark me down for a miraculous 5.

Hole No. 11 “White Dogwood” Par 4, 505 yards

Jon: And this is where the wheels really start to come off. I now recognize the holes we are playing after years of watching the back 9 at Augusta on CBS. My second shot travels somewhere near No. 13 tee box while my third goes strait into the drink. Drop four, hit five back over the green, 4 putt for eight. I now have no confidence heading through the rest of Amen Corner.

Dave: I don’t even finish the hole. Can we start saying double par is the max we can shoot on any given hole? No, ok fine, then better give me another 10.

Hole No. 12 “Golden Bell” Par 3, 155 yards

Jon: I’m so freaked out by Rae’s Creek that I end up totally blocking out a 9 iron towards 11 green. Of course, I assumed that our round was played without any other groups on the course thus avoiding any awkward conversation with Hunter Mahan who was attempting to line up his birdie putt on 11 before I “buzzed the tower”. Drop 2, hit 3 into Rae’s Creek. Now the frustration mounts. Forget about how fortunate we are to be playing Augusta and instead go into the golf bag for a Bud Light which happens to be left over from the previous summer. Anything to take the edge off. Give me an 8 and a whole lot of sorrow.

Dave: My nerves no longer exist thanks to the prescription meds and 2 Mint Juleps at the turn. I’m actually feeling good about this hole. 6 with a 4 putt. And by the way, images in your rear view mirror are closer than they appear.

Jon: Believe me I am aware.

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Score through 12 holes: Jon 79 Dave 88

view from Augusta National courtesy of @Luke_Donald

In honor of the Masters, myself and VMS contributor Dave are taking you through Augusta National, hole by hole, playing the course as if we were in the field. Part I includes holes 1-6. Look for parts II and III later today and tomorrow morning.

Hole No. 1 “Tea Olive” Par 4, 445 yards

Jon: I’ll give myself a 6. Always play loose on the first hole.

Dave: Make able 8 for me, although the dogleg right does play to my enormous slice.  On the green in 4 with a masterful 4 putt to top it all off.

Jon: Yeah, you really are an awful putter. Your problem is that you don’t take enough time reading the greens. That and you start walking after the golf ball before you even finish your swing.

Hole No. 2 “Pink Dogwood” Par 5 575 yards

Jon:  I’m giving myself a 8. Booming drive followed by a 3 wood of the deck that kills about 55 worms as it travels 25 yards into a fairway bunker. Two shots out of the bunker before flying the green with my 5th shot. 3 putts ought to get me home from there.

Dave: I’ll take an 8 here, as well.  My driver does not leave the bag.  A trinity of wobbly 3-woods gets me to the greenside bunker.  After three hacks at it from the beach, I lie 6, a yard from the hole.  Two put for the snowman.  Also, I think the pink dogwoods look poisonous.

Jon: Pink dogwoods are poisonous but only to women. The all male members of Augusta National would have it no other way. Also, it would take you way more than 3 to get out of any bunker. You might as well putt from the sand.

Dave: I never specified a club.

Hole No. 3 “Flowering Peach” Par 4 350 yards

Jon: It’s time we mentioned that these holes were named after massage parlors in Stamford CT.

Dave: I was just thinking that I would approach the Flowering Peach like a clumsy combination of AC Green and Kyle Brady.

Jon: I’m going with a bogey.  First par putt of the day but I have no chance on any of these greens so I miss by about 10 feet but sink the putt coming back for 5.

Dave: Have you had a look at this green?!  I could safely hit driver here, without fear of making those bunkers– thanks to a little trick I like to play with the horizontal axis.  I could be, potentially, chipping up the green on my third.  Then, from there? I’m off the green on my first putt– hopefully not on the beach– but recover with three putts from the fringe.  7.  Which is like a birdie for me.

Jon: I believe Sir Nick Faldo would call this green “undulating”.

Hole No. 4 “Flowering Crab Apple” Par 3, 240 yards

Jon: First par 3, I’m stuck between a 3 iron and a 5 wood which I don’t carry so I try instead to go easy on a 3 wood which just causes me to rip the ball 30 yards over the green into the flowering crab apples. Circus from there, I’ll take the double par and be happy.

Dave: A 240-yard Par 3, with a green the size of a g-string?  I’m so sure.  Uphill the whole way, with a nice little false front.  I don’t even make it to the back of the green, instead opting to squib my way up the slope.  On holes like these, I like to lay up.  There is no reason for me not to card an 8 here.  3 putts.  8.

Jon: The hole’s up hill? Ok, so maybe 3 wood is hooked off the tee instead of over the green. either way I don’t have a club for this hole.

Dave: Can I just point out how unfair it is that all of these greens– so fast to begin with– funnel back-to-front?  If you’re long, no putt.  If you’re short, off the green and try it again.

Jon: If we ever do end up playing Augusta National for real can you promise to not talk about how unfair the course is and just enjoy the moment!

Dave: Yeah, definitely.  When we play Augusta, I’ll try to enjoy it.

Hole No. 5 “Magnolia” Par 4, 455 yards

Jon: I smell another fairway bunker followed by a miraculous 4 iron out of the sand that leaves me 100 yards short of the green which is just about the right distance for me to pick my head up and chunk a sand wedge about 15 feet. Next wedge is perfect but by then, damage done. I’ll take a 7.

Dave: This is my favorite hole on the front.  Modeled after the Road Hole, if you didn’t know.  I would tee with a proper wooden club if i had one.  Also, I’ve started drinking.  The only thing that saves me here is that, for once, it’s relatively open.  Dogleg left, again, so the driver stays in the bag.  Iron-iron-iron, with one of them being a good one.  Doesn’t really matter which one, right?  I’m on another busy green in four.  Seeing clearly, putting calmly, I’m down in three more.  7 for me. These holes are so frigging beautiful, by the way. Have you heard the history about where all these different flora come from?

Jon: Well yes, but only because I began my research for this column back in November.

Dave: So you’re familiar with Fruitlands Nursery, then?  And that mad-scientist Belgian fellow? For another day, I suppose.  On to 6!

Hole No. 6 “Juniper” Par 3, 180 yards

Dave: Juniper. You know what that means…it’s GIN time!!!

Jon: What are we 75? If you ever do bring gin onto the course you must also walk with a push cart and intentionally hit into the group ahead at least 3 times.

Dave: This is the gentlemanly South.  Gin is perfectly acceptable.  Especially in the afternoon.

Jon: What do you know about the gentlemanly South? You were born in Delaware and grew up in Fairfield County CT. Florida for spring break does not qualify as understanding the South.

Dave: I’ve seen “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil”. Just tee your ball up.

Jon: Fair point. Par. I’m calling it right now. Eat your heart out McIlroy!!

Dave: The advantage of a down-facing tee is that I can roll a flubbed iron right up into those guardian bunkers.  Three to get (putt) out, three more into the hole.  7.  No problem.

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Total score through 6 holes: Jon – 35 Dave – 45

Check back in later today for Parts II and III

view from Augusta National courtesy of @RickieFowlerPGA