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Rich Uncle Pennybags 2012 MLB Preview

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Last year VMS did individual previews for each of the 30 MLB teams. In the end, that process was both time consuming and slightly ineffective. This year I have tried something a bit less labor intensive yet an idea we can all relate to. With that in mind, it is now time to take a few trips around the Monopoly board as I use the beloved game to preview the 2012 MLB season.

Dark Purple (the welcome mats)

Mediterranean Avenue – Houston Astros, Baltic Avenue – Oakland A’s

The only thing that could have kept the Astros out of the board game basement would have been if they changed their name back to the Colt .45’s. As for the A’s, maybe a new stadium will change their future fortunes.

Railroads (surprising overachievers)

New York Mets, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians

Individually, the railroads are essentially worthless entities. However, when combined they form quite the formidable conglomerate. In the case of the Mets, Cubs, White Sox, and Indians expectations are fairly low but something tells me that a couple of these teams will surprise us all and remain in contention through the All Star break.

Light Blue (proud yet pathetic)

Oriental Avenue – Baltimore Orioles, Vermont Avenue – Pittsburgh Pirates, Connecticut Avenue – San Diego Padres

The light blues are your first real opportunity around the board to score a semi desirable property. I don’t know what the statistics show but it sure does seem like a lot of players land on these three pieces of not so prime real estate. Speaking of people landing on something, the Orioles, Pirates, and Padres have been getting stepped on for years. Just one winning season, that’s all us Orioles fans are asking for!!!

Light Purple (too old with too far to go)

St. Charles Place – Minnesota Twins, States Avenue – Atlanta Braves, Virginia Avenue – St. Louis Cardinals

There’s something about taking that turn around Just Visiting that gets participants all sorts of hot and bothered. Unfortunately, Monopoly is very rarely won or lost in the light purples. Fans of the Twins, Braves, and Cardinals know a thing or two about winning. This year things could be different as all three are beginning to trade on name more than talent. Too bad to since you haven’t lived until you’ve tried the Walleye Skewer at Target Field.

Water Works & Electric Company (meh)

Milwaukee Brewers, Arizona Diamondbacks, Colorado Rockies, Seattle Mariners

I’ve been playing Monopoly for most of my life and I still can’t figure out exactly how you make money off of either Water Works or Electric Company. All I know is it somehow involves percentages and I was never any good at fractions to begin with. The Brewers, Diamondbacks, Rockies, and Mariners are equally as hard to figure out which is surprising considering 2 of 4 made the postseason in 2011. East coast bias? Perhaps, but how many of you living west of the Mississippi were even aware that the MLB regular season started last week in Japan?

Orange (can’t you just smell the free parking?)

St. James Place – Kansas City Royals, Tennessee Avenue – Toronto Blue Jays, New York Avenue – Washington Nationals

The Royals, Jays, and Nationals have all been picked to have breakout seasons in 2012. And while these teams are at least one year, or in the case of the Jays a different division, away from competing for a playoff spot, I’d be willing to bet that most Monopoly winners make more money off of the oranges than they do either Boardwalk or Park Place.

Red (avenue of longshots and dreams)

Kentucky Avenue – Miami Marlins, Illinois Avenue – San Francisco Giants, Indiana Avenue – Cincinnati Reds

When you get to the reds it’s time to play for keeps. I expect all three of these teams, the Marlins, Giants, and Reds, to make the playoffs but don’t feel as if any will contend beyond the divisional round. These teams are all excellent examples of how weak the National League is this year. None of three would make the playoffs if they were in the American League.

Yellow (anything less than a championship)

Atlantic Avenue – Philadelphia Phillies, Ventnor Avenue – Texas Rangers, Marvin Gardens – Detroit Tigers

I for one have always wanted to know more about the etymology of Marvin Gardens. Is it really named after a guy named Marvin? If so, what was so nice about his garden? In any case, the yellow block treads on very perilous territory given its close proximity to the Go To Jail space. The Phillies, Rangers, and Tigers could easily find themselves behind bars this season if the injuries mount and Miguel Cabrera continues to field ground balls off of his orbital bone.

Green (crowd pleasers)

Pacific Avenue – Boston Red Sox, North Carolina Avenue – Los Angeles Angels, Pennsylvania Avenue – New York Yankees

The green properties are a nice, relatively inexpensive alternative to Boardwalk and Park Place. Some players may even tell you that they prefer the green monopoly over the blue. There is however nothing cheap about the Red Sox, Angels, and Yankees who all end up spending, and making, more money than just about any other MLB franchise. But all the hotels in the world can’t make up for a lack of starting pitching depth, flawed lineup, and an overly contentious manager.

Blue (the names say it all)

Park Place – Los Angeles Dodgers, Boardwalk – Tampa Bay Rays

It’s official, I’ve caught Dodger fever. And why not? There isn’t another National League team that really jumps off the page plus after years of playing under the dark shroud of the McCourt’s, Chavez Ravine will finally become an enlightened destination under the stewardship of new owner Magic Johnson. And for the Rays, I’m picking Tampa to win the whole thing in 6 games. Love their young pitching. Love Desmond Jennings. Heck, I even love Joe Maddon’s shorts.

 view from Ed Smith Stadium courtesy of @EddieInTheYard

Predicting The Final Four Using Current NBA Players

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I miss Carmelo Travieso. And Lou Roe. Marcus Camby too. But mostly I miss the days when you got to know the individual players on a college basketball team. Today, in the era of one and done, it is much harder to develop a familiarity with most top 25 college basketball programs. And for fans like myself, who either didn’t go to a BCS school or aren’t from a tradition rich state, following college basketball has become an increasingly difficult proposition. For every Ashley Judd and dialysis patient out there going crazy about their ‘Cats, there are an equal number of people like me who will watch these games Saturday night because that’s what sports fans do and it would down right unpatriotic to not watch the Final Four.

As far as predictions go, I thought it would be best to determine the winner of March Madness by putting the 4 remaining teams through a little hypothetical game involving current NBA players from each school.

Kentucky vs Louisville – 6:09 PM

Kentucky

Starting Five – Rajon Rondo, John Wall, Brandon Knight, Tayshaun Prince, DeMarcus Cousins

Bench – Eric Bledsoe, Jodie Meeks, Patrick Patterson, Chuck Hayes, Nazr Mohammed, Josh Harrellson

Louisville

Starting Five – Francisco Garcia, Jerry Smith, Terrence Williams, Earl Clark, Samardo Samuels

Bench  – Derrick Caracter*, Preston Knowles*

I had no idea how few recent NBA players Louisville has produced. Where have you gone “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison? The Bluegrass State turns its lonely eyes to you. You know the Louisville pros are in trouble when their starting shooting guard Jerry Smith made it onto the squad only because he recently signed a 10 day contract with the lowly New Jersey Nets. To steal a line from Rick Pitino’s pregame speech before Saturday’s semifinal in New Orleans, “Clifford Rozier isn’t walking through that door.”.

As for this roster of Kentucky pros, put them together on a single team and they certainly would be able to beat the Washington Wizards. Take it to the bank Stan Van Gundy!

Kentucky 110 Louisville 75

*currently playing in the D-League

Ohio State vs Kansas – 8:49 PM

Ohio State

Starting Five: Mike Conley, Daequan Cook, Evan Turner, Kosta Koufos, Byron Mullens

Bench: Michael Redd, Greg Oden

Kansas

Starting Five: Mario Chalmers, Kirk Hinrich, Paul Pierce, Markieff Morris, Nick Collison

Bench: Drew Gooden, Xavier Henry, Brandon Rush, Marcus Morris, Darrell Arthur, Cole Aldrich

Kansas is kind of like the opposite of Louisville in the sense that I had no idea just how many Jayhawks players were in the NBA today. And the list goes on. (Josh Selby anyone?) What has always been amazing to me is how Bill Self, and Roy Williams before him, is able to recruit 5 star high school players to choose Lawrence, Kansas as the place where they want to spend their college year(s). But who am I to pass judgement on anyone else’s choice in college towns as Waterville, ME continues to have some of the highest rates per capita for both prostitution and fast food.

I’d like Ohio State’s chances that much more if Greg Oden weren’t busy recovering from his 3rd microfracture surgery. If either Jim Jackson or Lawrence Funderburke were still in the league then it would be an entirely different story.

Kansas 90 Ohio State 85

Championship Game: Kentucky 94 Kansas 90

view from the Superdome courtesy of @schuetteKSR

 

Mascot Madness: Predicting The Final Four

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Like most bloggers who are fresh out of new ideas or gimmicks, I have resorted to a method employed by many novice bracketologists, including my wife, where I pick the winners of the upcoming Sweet 16 games based solely on the mascots. I will do my best to avoid any and all references to the honey badger or my favorite sports movie of all time.

East Region (Boston – Thu/Sat)

(1) Syracuse Orangemen vs (4) Wisconsin Badgers: Bucky the Badger embodies many of the same qualities as the great people of Wisconsin: friendly, down to earth, and looks much much slimmer in vertical stripes. But the Syracuse Orangeman is refreshing citrus personified. I see that big bobbleheaded mascot and just want to squeeze it for some fresh natural goodness. Speaking of fresh natural goodness, I’m on a bit of a grapefruit kick right now and every time I cut up a section with my specially designed grapefruit spoon I always think about the Seinfeld episode where George can’t stop winking. Mr. Weatherbee. Advantage: Orangemen

(2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs (6) Cincinnati Bearcats: What is a buckeye exactly? I remember travelling through Columbus once and stopping by a local sweet shop where they served these wonderfully delicious peanut butter filled chocolate confections called buckeyes. Up until that point I always figured that by judging from the decals on Ohio State helmets the buckeye was some sort of homage to medicinal marijuana. Either way, Bearcats are known connoisseurs of home made fudge and cannabis. Advantage: Buckeyes

Elite 8: Buckeyes over Orangemen

West Region (Phoenix – Thu/Sat)

(1) Michigan State Spartans vs (4) Louisville Cardinals: I never understood the whole 300 thing. For a while there it seemed like we were raising an entire generation of young people who looked up to King Leonidas more than even their own parents. Don’t kids understand that those abs aren’t real and that defending Thermopylae is not an acceptable form of physical fitness? Advantage: Spartans

(3) Marquette Golden Eagles vs (7) Florida Gators: Here’s what I don’t understand about college sports, how come some schools like Marquette and St. John’s switch to a much more politically correct mascot while a school like North Dakota is working to keep the Fighting Sioux?  To be honest, I like Golden Eagles much much more than Golden Warriors even though I’m not even sure there is such a thing as a golden eagle. Advantage: Gators

Elite 8: Spartans over Gators

South Region (Atlanta – Fri/Sun)

(3) Baylor Bears vs (10) Xavier Musketeers: A couple months back, 60 Minutes aired a segment on these Texas wildlife preserves/high priced hunting retreats stocked with all sorts of endangered species from Africa. Apparently there are these super rich Teddy Roosevelt types who spend hundreds of thousands of dollars just to have the opportunity to hunt and kill a nearly extinct scimitar horned oryx. Frankly, if I had that kind of cash lying around I think I would pay somebody else to catch my dinner while I waited around the weber grill with a cold can of Dale’s Pale Ale in my hand.  Advantage: Musketeers

(1) Kentucky Wildcats vs (4) Indiana Hoosiers: True story, my brother in law’s middle name is “Hoosier”. For a while there I thought it was because my in laws were enormous John Mellancamp fans but as it turns out my father in law stopped listening to his music shortly after dropping the “Cougar”. I wish more parents named their kids after state nicknames. I have lived most of my life in New Hampshire and Connecticut so a “Nutmeg” or “Granite” Lord could be two distinct possibilities for any future offspring. I should probably run this by my wife first. Advantage: Hoosiers

Elite 8: Hoosiers over Musketeers

Midwest Region (St. Louis – Fri/Sun)

(1) North Carolina Tar Heels vs (13) Ohio Bobcats: Please allow me to be the 521st blogger this week to mention how awesome and authentic Clark Kellogg’s reaction was upon hearing the news that his son Nick’s Ohio team was headed to the Sweet 16. Pretty genuine moment right there, one that all parents can only hope to experience. (No pressure son!!!!) Unfortunately for the Bobcats, Tar Heels is a really an amazing mascot, even though most people don’t know what a tar heel is or what exactly it has to do with a ram. Advantage: Tar Heels

(1) Kansas Jayhawks vs (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack: With all due respect to the diehard fans of the Hangover franchise, this one was over at Rock Chalk. Although when watching the KU student body sing the Alma Mater one can’t help but feel that to be a Jayhawk is to be a member of a very exclusive cult that holds large gatherings in Fogg Allen Fieldhouse where they worship the spirit of Wilt Chamberlain. Advantage: Jayhawks

Elite 8: Tar Heels over Jayhawks

view from the TDBankNorth Garden courtesy of @KarlGAnderson

 

The Tim Tebow Inspired Quarterback Exchange

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Tim Tebow is going to the New York Jets, or is it the Jacksonville Jaguars, which has been just about the best thing to happen to twitter since the earthquake that hit the east coast last August. Why his hometown Jacksonville Jaguars weren’t quick to pony up more than a 4th round draft pick is really hard to figure, especially when Tebow would help them put plenty of fannies in the seats. Since the NFL is a multi billion dollar business, why don’t more teams target local heroes/homegrown talent to become the face of their franchise? It almost makes too much sense.

What follows is a little quarterback relocation program where all 32 starting NFL quarterbacks are redistributed to a team closer to their hometown/where they went to college. Each quarterback is then compared to the player who they would be replacing in 2012.

Arizona: Ryan Fitzpatrick – The Harvard graduate would bring some much needed class to the desert. Once he arrives in Glendale the first thing on his agenda should be to shave his beard. Next, help orchestrate a Steve Nash for Jeremy Lin trade. UPGRADE

Atlanta – Cam Newton: Instantly, the Falcons become one of the most compelling/entertaining teams in the NFL. Yo could go so far as to call them the favorites to win the NFC. UPGRADE

Baltimore – Matt Schaub: Schaub looks like about 10 different people I know, including my brother in law who gets pretty pissed any time I mention this because he, like most men in their 30s, is really sensitive about his hairline. EVEN

Buffalo – Andy Dalton: Dalton is from Texas and went to TCU but you have no idea how hard it is to find an NFL quarterback who has a connection to upstate New York. Dairy farmers yes, football players not so much. EVEN

Carolina – Philip Rivers: Norv Turner has to be included in this package deal. EVEN

Chicago – Brady Quinn: Quinn, who will beat out Matt Cassel in KC, returns to the Windy City after playing his college ball at Notre Dame. Quick question, does the city of Chicago have more Michigan or Notre Dame fans? I say Michigan but what do I know. Every time I’m in Chicago I end up in a Michigan State bar. DOWNGRADE

Cincinnati – Jay Cutler: Did you know that Santa Claus, Indiana is only a 3 hour drive from Cincinnati? UPGRADE

Cleveland – Ben Roethlisberger: Huge coup for the Browns who finally get the franchise quarterback they have been waiting for since the days of Bernie Kosar. Slight disappointment for Big Ben who will now be forced to spend all of his off days loitering outside the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. UPGRADE

Dallas – Colt McCoy: It’s hard to believe that this would be the first time the Cowboys have had a starting quarterback named “Colt”.  DOWNGRADE

Denver – Alex Smith: John Elway secretly wishes Kordell Stewart was still in the league. DOWNGRADE

Detroit – Tom Brady: The rest of the NFC North shudders at the thought of Brady throwing 50 yard post patterns to Megatron. The only downside, not sure how many pairs of man Uggs Brady helps sell in the Detroit metro area. UPGRADE

Green Bay – Tony Romo: A return to Wisconsin for Romo means more rounds of golf at Whistling Straits. DOWNGRADE

Houston – Matthew Stafford: While working on this list, it was amazing to realize how many NFL quarterbacks come from the state of Texas. It’s like what they use to say about point guards from NYC or Republicans from Orange County . UPGRADE

Indianapolis – Drew Brees: The Purdue grad is a more than acceptable replacement for Peyton Manning, if he is able to beat out fellow Boilermaker Curtis Painter. UPGRADE

Jacksonville – Tim Tebow: This is where he has always belonged, assuming the Jets continue to have a difficult time understanding the fine print. UPGRADE

Kansas City – Josh Freeman: That afro plays anywhere. UPGRADE

Miami – Matt Flynn: Bit of a stretch but for what it’s worth, Flynn’s former offensive coordinator with the Green Bay Packers Joe Philbin is now the head coach of the Dolphins. EVEN

Minnesota – Carson Palmer: This makes a lot of sense, especially when the Vikings relocate to Southern California. UPGRADE

New England – Matt Hasselbeck: I’ll say this about Hasselbeck, you can’t accuse him of ever receiving a hair transplant. DOWNGRADE

New Orleans – Eli Manning: Eli returns home to play in the dome Archie built while NOLA is quick to forget all about Bountygate. Or so we thought. EVEN

New York Giants: Robert Griffin III – The Superman socks seal the deal as the GMen land a football hero to patrol the dangerous and uninviting swamps of Jersey/Metropolis. DOWNGRADE

New York Jets: John Skelton – Fordham’s own lasts about a half before Jets fans start calling into WFAN asking for the team to reacquire Mark Sanchez. Oh the irony. DOWNGRADE

Oakland: Andrew Luck -A silver & black renaissance! If only Al Davis were here to see it. UPGRADE

Philadelphia – Matt Ryan: Matty Ice isn’t nearly as good as Yuengling. DOWNGRADE

Pittsburgh – Joe Flacco: Do you think Dave Wannstedt  and his mustache still regret choosing Tyler Palko over Joe Flacco? DOWNGRADE 

St. Louis – Sam Bradford: If healthy EVEN. If AJ Feeley DOWNGRADE

San Diego – Mark Sanchez: Assuming that he remains the starter. For all we know the Chargers will try to trade for Tim Tebow in a shallow attempt to sell more tickets and light a fire under a guy who they just gave a contract extension. In twitter terms, #thejetsareafreakingmess. DOWNGRADE

San Francisco – Aaron Rodgers: Perfect fit for the team and player. The Niners become instant favorites to win the Super Bowl while Rodgers takes his Discount Double Check back to the Bay Area. UPGRADE

Seattle – Matt Moore: The Oregon State grad is a perfect fit in the Pacific Northwest, mostly because he’s currently the only starting quarterback who went to school in either Washington or Oregon. Where’s Drew Bledsoe or Ryan Leaf when you need them? NEUTRAL

Tampa Bay – Christian Ponder: This is only interesting if the Bucs also ditch the pewter for the creamsicle throwbacks. DOWNGRADE

Tennessee – Peyton Manning: This moves makes a ton of sense especially if the Titans would be willing to add a bit more orange to their uniforms and commit to playing at least 4 home games in Neyland Stadium. UPGRADE

Washington – Michael Vick: There was a time when Redskins owner Daniel Snyder would have mortgaged the entire future of the Washington franchise for an athletic quarterback with a rifle arm and Olympic sprinter speed. Oh right. UPGRADE

view from Jupiter courtesy of Eddie

Don Draper Traded To Rival Advertising Agency For A Case of Single Malt Scotch

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Madison Avenue awoke this morning to news that Don Draper, the unscrupulous lothario from one of New York’s top ad agencies Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, had been traded to rival agency Cutler Gleason and Chaough. In return for Draper, SCDP will receive two top CGC executives as well as future cash considerations and a case of Glenlivet. When asked why liquor was included in the transaction, CGC executive Ted Chaough said that “we wanted to clear the cabinets of as much booze as possible before the arrival of Draper”. The blockbuster deal was finalized only hours before the trading deadline was set to close Thursday afternoon and brings a sudden end to what has been a long gestating process for both Draper and SCDP.

Questions persisted throughout season 4 about Draper’s willingness to remain long term with Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Even though he was a founding member of the new agency, insiders have felt for some time that Draper had grown disillusioned with the direction of the agency that now bears his name. His contract with SCDP was due to expire at the end of the Christmas catalogue season and there was some concern within SCDP over whether or not Draper was going to sign his advertisers option which would have locked him up with his current firm for at least another year. In recent weeks, Draper had intimated to those closest to him that he would be willing to resign with SCDP if they were able to surround him with a winning team of brand managers. However, part of the problem for SCDP is that they have a lot of money tied up in a few past their prime agents like Roger Sterling. The Sterling conundrum has plagued the agency for years and just when it seemed like he had cleaned up his act for good, rumors began circulating throughout the Time Life building that Sterling may in fact be the father of Joan Harris’ unborn child. How all of this affected recent SCDP negotiations with Don Draper is unclear. What is certain is that SCDP could no longer bank on Draper remaining with the agency beyond this season and needed to protect their interests moving forward.

In Draper, Cutler Gleason and Chaough get a bonifide advertising star who will be the face of the agency for years to come. Paired with Ted Chaough the two will form a dynamic duo and compete with the other titans of the advertising world. This move doesn’t come without a little controversy as there were certain members of CGC board who remain unconvinced that Draper is the solution to their problems and worry that they gave up too much in the deal. Several CGC executives are worried that Draper has yet to fully recover from his divorce at the beginning of season 4. His ex wife Betty has since remarried but Draper continues to deal with concerns over his children and mortgage. Betty, who very few people like to begin with, has taken her crusade against Draper to the post office where she has written several letters of 140 characters or less admonishing the ad exec for previous infidelities and continued paternal negligence. For his part, Draper is reluctant to talk about his ex wife, choosing instead to focus on finishing the ad season strong.

Rumors are now swirling that Cutler Gleason and Chaough will insist that Draper sign a special insurance policy with the company that protects CGC from any future misconduct involving Draper, alcohol, and women. Sterling Cooper tried something similar years ago but Draper would have none of it then so it seems highly unlikely that he would agree to it now with CGC. If that’s the case, CGC must try to lure other advertising agents to their firm to surround Draper with the best team possible thus ensuring that he re-signs with the company long term at the end of the season.

What happens next for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce remains a mystery. As one of the most cunning advertisers in the game, Draper had been face of the agency for the past 4 seasons. His departure ends a successful, albeit tumultuous era for SCDP. In the absence of Draper, expect Pete Campbell and Peggy Olson to take on a much more visible roles within the company. When asked about Draper, close friend and confidant Roger Sterling said, “you just don’t go and replace a talent like Don. It will take years before this firm recovers. The only thing that can dull the pain of losing Draper is that case of Glenlivet which I’m about to start consuming once I get off the phone with you.”

view from the AT&T Center courtesy of @CenzParts