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The Merion Advantage

June 11, 2013 by Jon

This week Merion Golf Club in Ardmore, Pa hosts the 113 U.S. Open. With the deepest field in professional golf history set to tee it up starting Thursday morning, predicting a winner can be downright difficult and destructive. Here is a sampling of scenarios should things play out for a few specific golfers.

Rory McIlroy wins if Nike returns his old clubs allowing him to regain the form that had him lapping the field two years ago at Congressional when he won his first major. It’s probably too early to tell for sure but it’s starting to seem as if Rory lacks Tiger’s maniacal drive to succeed at all costs. Using NBA parlance, he’s like Shaq to Tiger’s Kobe, a once in a generation talent capable of dominating his opponents yet also quite content with other off the course interests.

Webb Simpson wins if the golf gods believe in repeat champions, which the way the 2012 U.S. Open champ is currently playing seems highly unlikely.

Jim Furyk wins if there is a home field advantage. The Pennsylvania native may very well be a diehard Pittsburgh Steelers fan but would surely switch allegiance across the state to the Philadelphia Eagles if that’s what it took to deliver another major.

Sergio Garcia wins if everyone remains quiet during his backswing.

Ian Poulter wins if this were the Ryder Cup.

Keegan Bradley wins if there is such a thing as NHL karma. The lifelong Boston Bruins fan must be enjoying his favorite hockey team’s pursuit of Lord Stanley. Same can be said for Chicago transplant Luke Donald and the Blackhawks.

Steve Stricker wins if he stops giving putting tips to other golfers.

Adam Scott wins if this were a handsomest man on the PGA Tour competition.

Bubba Watson wins if Merion were about 1000 yards longer but since it’s the shortest course of the four majors this year bombers like Bubba and his playing partners Dustin Johnson and Nicolas Colsaerts could have a tough time navigating the tighter landing spaces.

Zach Johnson wins if he’s learned how to walk on water, a useful skills given that holes 11 and 12 may very well be under water thanks to a 3 day deluge that inundated the northeast over the weekend.

Steve Jones, the 1996 U.S. Open champ, wins if like the cicadas he returns after gestating underground for 17 years.

And finally Tiger Woods wins if the oddsmakers are right, which they usually are. Merion is a mystery to most of these players having not hosted a major championship since 1981. We know that Tiger tends to perform exceptionally well at tracks he plays frequently (see: Doral) so it’ll be interesting to watch how he handles such unfamiliar terrain.

view from Merion courtesy of @GeoffShac

Top Ten Things Overheard In Luol Deng’s Hospital Room

May 7, 2013 by Jon

Last night the Chicago Bulls opened their series vs the heavily favored Miami Heat with a surprising road victory. Their game 1 vanquishing of LeBron and co was even more improbable considering they were playing without starters Derrick Rose (ACL), Kirk Hinrich (calf) and Luol Deng (leaking spinal fluid). Speaking of Deng, here’s a sampling of things overheard in his Chicago area hospital room last night as the star small forward cheered his team on to victory.

“Lucky me, now Jimmy Butler has to spend 48 minutes chasing around LeBron.”

“Sometimes I like to sneak up behind coach Tom Thibodeau during timeouts and tickle him until he cracks a smile.”

“Joakim Noah plays with so much heart and is such a great teammate that it doesn’t even matter how he pronounces ‘plantar fasciitis’.”

“Yes, Carlos Boozer really did sweat this much at Duke too.”

“If Ellen ever has me on her show I’ll show her how the Harlem Shake is suppose to be done.”

“The nightlife in South Beach has nothing on the 6th floor ICU at Rush University Medical Center.”

“Hospital food really is as bad as they say.”

“Nate Robinson is actually one of those alien Nerdlucks from ‘Space Jam’.”

“What channel is Duck Dynasty on?”

“If Derrick Rose had a spinal tap he’d be out for an entire season.”

Help Wanted: The Los Angeles Lakers Backcourt

April 26, 2013 by Jon

The Los Angeles Lakers are in serious jeopardy of being swept by the San Antonio Spurs in the opening round of the Western Conference playoffs. Without Kobe the Lakers were longshots to begin with but are now facing nearly insurmountable odds thanks to in part to a preponderance of injuries sustained by their guards. Steve Nash is all hopped up on numbing pain killers, Jodie Meeks has a bum ankle and now Steve Blake apparently left his hamstring at the Alamo. The fact that the Lakers were already relying on Meeks and Blake says something about their chances to begin with however all signs now point to LA needing a few guards to fill their roster in advance of game 3 Friday night. Here are just a few suggestions.

Matt Kemp – The Dodgers centerfield had already challenged his owner Magic Johnson to a friendly game of one-on-one and may be one of the few baseball players who could hold their own on an NBA court. Actually, the entire starting outfield in Chavez Ravine (Kemp, Carl Crawford and Andre Ethier) are all athletic enough to command a few double teams on the pick up courts of Venice Beach. Probably not what the Dodgers need at this moment as “The Best Team a Billion Dollar Television Contract Could Buy” fights to float above .500.

Fletch – Rovell recently tweeted something about Fletch’s $4 million salary back in ’85 being worth something in the range of $8.6 million today which is totally reasonable for a gritty guard from the streets of Harlem. At his size, 6’9″ with the afro, he could be an impossibly difficult matchup for some of the Spurs shorter guards.

Jerry West – The Logo is always welcome back in Lakerland and could provide some positive mojo for fellow Mountaineer, and 2013 unfortunate sad face, Geno Smith who at last check was immersed in another game of Temple Run while patiently waiting for some NFL team to draft him in the first round. Shouldn’t the NFL offer assurances to all of the players attending the draft that they will not slip past the first 32 picks? Why subject Smith, or the viewing audience, to such an embarrassing, dehumanizing experience? Although, come to think of it, it wouldn’t be the NFL Draft if players weren’t treated as chattel.

Mike D’Antoni – The former Italian League star could give himself a taste of his own medicine and see how his 61 year old body responds to 48 minutes a game after his peddle to the medal, abusive coaching style contributed to the physical breakdown of Kobe Bryant.

Laker Bros – Because the Spurs couldn’t help but take pity on these two poor lost souls.

Unleashing the Ultimate Power of the NFL Draft

April 24, 2013 by Jon

The NFL Draft is an annual ratings bonanza consuming all of its competition like some sort of flesh eating rotavirus. However, just because the draft is an incredibly popular made for tv event doesn’t mean that there aren’t a few things that could be drastically improved ahead of Thursday night’s broadcast.

1. Every team gets their own theme music carefully selected to symbolize and encapsulate the current state of the franchise. For example, the defending Super Bowl champs the Baltimore Ravens would obviously enter to the opening score from ‘Game of Thrones’ while the Cleveland Brown would be serenaded by the soundtrack from The Sting on account of the FBI ransacking owner Jimmy Haslam’s corporate offices.

2. Go back to helmet phones and pieces of paper. Technology these days has made it so that teams don’t even really need to send representatives to NYC which is why the NFL should institute a wireless ban in Radio City, forcing the sort of face to face interaction so lacking in our society today.

3. Network graphics must include number of concussions sustained by each player along with their height/weight/40 yard dash time. This would ensure that fans and teams alike understand the short and long term health care risk they assume by drafting a player.

4. For one day and one day only Mel Kiper should replace Roger Goodell as NFL commish. Imagine how great it would be if immediately after the draft guru announces a selection he launches directly into his highlight reel breakdown just as the player climbs the stage to shake hands. Great lateral quickness but he must develop his overall aptitude and acumen for understanding the complexities of a pro-style 3-4 defense.

5. All players invited to sit in the green room must ditch their designer suits and be forced to choose between the head to toe spandex from the NFL combine or the Starter jacket/zubaz combo right out of the late ’80/early ’90s.

6. In order to expedite the process picks should be announced 3 at a time and in descending order. This would allow NBA fans to toggle back and forth between the draft and game 3 of the Bulls/Nets series.

7. Ditch Radio City for the outdoor environs of Rockefeller Center with the one catch being that they have to reassemble the ice rink just so we get to watch Suzy Kolber interviewing the top picks while wearing hockey skates.

8. Setup hidden cameras in the private residences of all 32 starting quarterbacks in order to capture March Sanchez’s priceless reaction after the Jets trade up to the #8 spot in order to pick Syracuse QB Ryan Nassib.

view from Radio City courtesy of @richeisen

Real Names As Movie Characters

April 24, 2013 by Jon

Fern Cunningham is a renowned sculptor and advocate for racial equality in the United States. But if “Fern Cunningham” were a movie character the possibilities would be endless.

Fern Cunningham is….

– an assistant district attorney in Mobile, Alabama famous for bringing down a group of pelican poachers called “The Gumbo Gang”.

– the owner of a taco truck in Sante Fe, New Mexico specializing in open faced shrimp po-boys and Arnold Palmer’s brewed with live scorpions.

– the starting center of the Bismarck Bison, a small minor league basketball team in North Dakota that had their season cut short by the installation of another nuclear missile silo.

– the sinister operator of a funeral home in Bridgeport, Conn that due to the faltering economy has begun offering it’s services to beloved house pets.

– a burnout bassist for a popular pop/rock band from the late ’60s called “The Sea Horses” who once popularized the phrase “Smoke rises watch the mist fall, let my love be the last thing of all”.

– a hipster from Brooklyn who attempts to make a living selling both vintage t-shirts depicting former senator Russ Feingold and hummus stuffed popovers.

– the head of a Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity in Dayton, Ohio whose father, Fern Sr., is a high powered Chicago architect who has promised the young Fern a job upon completion of his 6th year of college.

– a mother of 4, retired art teacher who spends most of her days knitting socks for her 10 grandchildren while recording medical advice from Dr. Oz.

– a young, heavy set florist from East St. Louis who owns and operates a store called “Fern’s Ferns” specializing in bouquet wedding arrangements.