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Just Another Typical, Run of the Mill NFL Preview: NFC South

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From here on out until the start of the NFL regular season on Thursday September, 8th, VMS will be offering quick overviews of each division, one NFC and one AFC per week. First up, the NFC South (*denotes playoff team)

NFC South

Champs: New Orleans Saints* – Mark Ingram stabilizes the running game while Drew Brees and the passing attack continue to throw lots and lots of beads at the Superdome faithful.

On Deck (next up): Atlanta Falcons* – Last years NFC South champs are in now or nothing mode, which explains why they would trade away 5 future draft picks in order to select Julio Jones this year, especially when the Falcons are presumably already loaded at the wide receiver position. Also, can we please come up with a different nickname for Matt Ryan?

Limbo (neither up nor down; stuck in between): Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tough, veteran centric division for this young, hungry Bucs team to break through against. Really looking forward to Josh Freeman unleashing his soul glow in South Florida again this season.

Chumps: Carolina Panthers – Ron Rivera please do your fans a favor by starting quarterback, and #1 overall draft pick, Cam Newton. Greater Charlotte simply should not be subjected to a single series of either the dour Jimmy Clausen or lethargic Derek Anderson. At least Newton will make exciting mistakes.

Fantasy Sleepers: Harry Douglass (WR-Atlanta), Josh Freeman (QB-Tampa Bay), Greg Olsen (TE – Carolina)

Ready for Primetime Games: 9/8 New Orleans @ Green Bay, 9/18 Philadelphia @ Atlanta, 10/9 Green Bay @ Atlanta, 10/16 New Orleans @ Tampa Bay, 12/26 Atlanta @ New Orleans

view from Bucs training camp courtesy of @stevecarney

Adam Schefter Doesn’t Believe in Sleep

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It’s not too often that I concern myself with the general well being of an ESPN personality what with all their handsome salaries, fancy cars, and deluxe two bedroom condominiums in Simsbury, CT. But man I tell you, ever since the NFL lockout ended, and the free agent frenzy began, I can’t stop worrying that at some point Adam Schefter’s head is going to explode on live television just like that poor degenerate gambler who had his head put in a vice by Joe Pesci in Casino. Schefter has clearly usurped Chris Mortensen as ESPN’s go to NFL brown nose. But the WWL should be careful with how they treat members of the intelligentsia because at this rate Scheftie is on pace for a Michael Douglas in Falling Down type meltdown. Who would clog our twitter feed then?

Speaking of free agent signings, what move has garnered the most attention so far? Santonio – who my brother in law continues to call “San Antonio”- Holmes back to the Jets? Matt Hasselbeck to the Music City Miracles? Al Haynesworth shipping up to Boston? Or perhaps it’s Donovan McNabb to the Minnesota Vikings. I just had to ask Deadspinner, and fellow Colby College alum, Drew Magary where he thinks the Vikings and McNabb are headed in 2011. Understand that right now Drew is considerably busier than most “bloggers-who-use-foul-language-to-make-fun-of-Peter King” what with a massive press tour for his new novel The Postmortal and we thank him for taking the time to respond to our trivial inquiries.

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Now that McNabb is about to officially become a member of your Minnesota Vikings, it’s time you tell us what Twin Cities delicacy is going to cause the most significant weight gain and why: walleye on a stick from Target Field, the Juicy Lucy, or beer boiled bratwurst (via Wisconsin)?

Bratwurst, I guess?

But seriously, wouldn’t you rather just go with Joe Webb or Christian Ponder? And does it really matter who’s playing QB for the Vikings in 2011? Pretty sure they are going to have a tough time keeping up with the rest of the division, even the Lions.

It doesn’t really matter who plays for them this year, which is why I’m okay with the trade.  It’s not like the Favre experiment where they put all their money on the one old QB.  They might even view McNabb as a backup right now.

Have you already purchased a Los Angeles Vikings tshirt? Maybe you would have had a better time trying to publicly finance a new stadium in Minneapolis if the Minnesota state gov’t hadn’t totally shut down.

My guy Rand still says the Vikings aren’t moving, so I’ll stick with him until they end up proving him wrong and we both cry.

How, if at all, do you cover the plight of the Minnesota Vikings in your new book The Postmortal? I hope you reserved a special place in Chapter 4 for the Randall Cunningham era.

No Vikings in the book.  The main character is a Bills fan.

Last one, did you ever put your personal laundry in the Chappy bins and if so, did your clothes come out smelling worse than they did before?

Never.  But not a bad idea.

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There you have it. Move over Schefter! I smell a new football insider. Thanks again to Drew for taking the time to hit send and we wish him the best of luck with his new novel The Postmortal. Here’s hoping the book has more success than the 2011 Donovan McNabb led Minnesota Vikings.

view from Patriots training camp courtesy of @realpatriots

32 Things We Learned While Not Thinking About the NFL Lockout

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If my twitter feed is correct, and Chris Mortensen is not intentionally misleading us all, then the NFL lockout is going to end on either Thursday or Friday. After roughly 131 days of modest suffering, a lot of us football fans have been able to dedicate much more space in our brains to other important pursuits. What follows is a quick list of 32 things, 32 being the # of NFL teams, we here at VMS learned while doing everything humanly possible to not look, listen, or touch anything having to do with either Roger Goodell or DeMaurice Smith.

#1 – how to properly restring a weed wacker.

#2 – that Rosie Larsen may or may not have been murdered.

#3 – and that we really don’t care anymore because we’re never ever ever going to watch another episode of The Killing on AMC.

#4 – to not just blindly trust the quality of a new show because it airs on the same network as Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and The Living Dead.

#5 – unless that network is HBO.

#6 – which in that case, check out Game of Thrones. Think Lord of the Rings with fewer hobbits and much more sex.

#7 – speaking of a royal family, we learned that Philippa is about to become a very popular name for newborn girls worldwide.

#8 – bridesmaids can wear white and wear it very well.

#9 – on the subject of politics, President Obama was in fact born in this country.

#10 – ignorance should not be construed as patriotism.

#11 – and if you are going to accuse somebody of something so potentially destructive you better have your facts straight. [Read more…]

Just in Case the Whole NFL Career Thing Doesn’t Work Out

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Should the lockout continue into the regular season, here are a few alternative careers for each of the top ten picks in the 2011 NFL Draft

1. Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton, QB Auburn

NCAA Compliance Officer; Indianapolis, Indiana – So he can right all the wrongs the next time a father asks for 250K to rebuild a church.

2. Denver Broncos – Von Miller, LB Texas A&M

Optometrist; Dallas, Texas – So he can finally put an end to all the Marcus Dupree comparisons.

3. Buffalo Bills – Marcel Dareus, DT Alabama

Venture Capitalist; Toronto, Ontario – Because everything in Buffalo is eventually moving to Toronto anyway.

4. Cincinnati Bengals – A.J. Green, WR Georgia

Reality TV Star; Cincinnati, Ohio – Because Terrell Owens probably isn’t coming back to Cincy and Ochocinco has to be looking for a new wing man/carnival barker.

5. Arizona Cardinals – Patrick Peterson, CB LSU

Athletic Director; Shreveport, Louisiana –  It does say on the LSU website that he majored in “Sports Administration”.

6. Atlanta Falcons – Julio Jones, WR Alabama

Stunt Double; Hollywood – Just recently hired as a stand in for the upcoming Predator sequel.

7. San Francisco 49ers – Aldon Smith, DE Missouri

Grocery Store Manager; Provo, Utah – Oh sorry, I confused Aldon for Alex Smith.

8. Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker, QB Washington

Minor league baseball player; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes – Because accuracy issues are much easier to iron out in the Pacific Coast League.

9. Dallas Cowboys – Tyron Smith, OT USC

Golf Caddy; Kohler, Wisconsin – For the next time Tony Romo tries to qualify for the US Open..

10. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri

NHL Analyst on Versus – He really does look just like Jeremy Roenick.

view from Radio City courtesy of @1PrettyNupe

Michael Scott Will Not be Watching the NFL Draft

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Belated congratulations to Garry Neal and the San Antonio Spurs for staving playoff elimination off for at least one more game. My only concern, why wasn’t that play at the end of regulation drawn up for Matt Bonner? Bonner = Playoff Assassin.

Tonight is all about the 2011 NFL Draft. I have nothing funny or prophetic to say about the NFL Draft. My current disinterest is the direct result of the current lockout/labor uncertainty. Why should I care about this draft when there may not even be a 2011 season?*

*I still maintain that owners/players will come to their collective senses before forcing the cancellation of any regular season games. Too much money at stake, even for the detached ego’s of American’s top .01%.

Will Cam Newton go first to the Carolina Panthers? Does Ryan Mallet’s alleged addiction(s) cost him a shot at the first round? Will Belichick and the Patriots trade out of the early rounds once again only to amass future first round picks which they will also never use? Will Roger Goodell be booed like Charlie Sheen on a comedy tour?

Answers to these questions and many more do not really concern me tonight, not when I have to go to sleep super early in order to wake up in time, and well rested, for the Royal Wedding.

view from the AT&T Center courtesy of @thesports007