View My Seats

At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

Photo Credit for Header: Alex Foucre-Stimes

Just in Case the Whole NFL Career Thing Doesn’t Work Out

by

Should the lockout continue into the regular season, here are a few alternative careers for each of the top ten picks in the 2011 NFL Draft

1. Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton, QB Auburn

NCAA Compliance Officer; Indianapolis, Indiana – So he can right all the wrongs the next time a father asks for 250K to rebuild a church.

2. Denver Broncos – Von Miller, LB Texas A&M

Optometrist; Dallas, Texas – So he can finally put an end to all the Marcus Dupree comparisons.

3. Buffalo Bills – Marcel Dareus, DT Alabama

Venture Capitalist; Toronto, Ontario – Because everything in Buffalo is eventually moving to Toronto anyway.

4. Cincinnati Bengals – A.J. Green, WR Georgia

Reality TV Star; Cincinnati, Ohio – Because Terrell Owens probably isn’t coming back to Cincy and Ochocinco has to be looking for a new wing man/carnival barker.

5. Arizona Cardinals – Patrick Peterson, CB LSU

Athletic Director; Shreveport, Louisiana –  It does say on the LSU website that he majored in “Sports Administration”.

6. Atlanta Falcons – Julio Jones, WR Alabama

Stunt Double; Hollywood – Just recently hired as a stand in for the upcoming Predator sequel.

7. San Francisco 49ers – Aldon Smith, DE Missouri

Grocery Store Manager; Provo, Utah – Oh sorry, I confused Aldon for Alex Smith.

8. Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker, QB Washington

Minor league baseball player; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes – Because accuracy issues are much easier to iron out in the Pacific Coast League.

9. Dallas Cowboys – Tyron Smith, OT USC

Golf Caddy; Kohler, Wisconsin – For the next time Tony Romo tries to qualify for the US Open..

10. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri

NHL Analyst on Versus – He really does look just like Jeremy Roenick.

view from Radio City courtesy of @1PrettyNupe

Michael Scott Will Not be Watching the NFL Draft

by

Belated congratulations to Garry Neal and the San Antonio Spurs for staving playoff elimination off for at least one more game. My only concern, why wasn’t that play at the end of regulation drawn up for Matt Bonner? Bonner = Playoff Assassin.

Tonight is all about the 2011 NFL Draft. I have nothing funny or prophetic to say about the NFL Draft. My current disinterest is the direct result of the current lockout/labor uncertainty. Why should I care about this draft when there may not even be a 2011 season?*

*I still maintain that owners/players will come to their collective senses before forcing the cancellation of any regular season games. Too much money at stake, even for the detached ego’s of American’s top .01%.

Will Cam Newton go first to the Carolina Panthers? Does Ryan Mallet’s alleged addiction(s) cost him a shot at the first round? Will Belichick and the Patriots trade out of the early rounds once again only to amass future first round picks which they will also never use? Will Roger Goodell be booed like Charlie Sheen on a comedy tour?

Answers to these questions and many more do not really concern me tonight, not when I have to go to sleep super early in order to wake up in time, and well rested, for the Royal Wedding.

view from the AT&T Center courtesy of @thesports007

The Royal Wedding of Kate Middleton to Some Guy Other Than Me

by

It’s tough not to feel for the good people of Sacramento. First the Maloofs fold their WNBA franchise, the Sacramento Monarchs, and now those crazy brothers are threatening to relocate their NBA team to Anaheim. Good, albeit time consuming, read by Bill Simmons on the current state of the Sacramento Kings ownership group. Spolier alert!!!! It’s not a good situation at all. Closer to the McCourt poor money management/divorce case than most realize.

Speaking of Kings and Queens, I was trying to think up an American equivalent to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. All I could come up with was a union of Taylor Swift and Tyler Perry or maybe Derek Jeter to Katy Perry. (No offense Russell Brand. But this is not easy, you try!) Bottomline, there probably is no Yank equal to the pomp and circumstance of Friday’s nuptials from Westminster Abbey which is sure to the be the most watched global event since this transcendent piece of jailhouse choreography.

*She’s out of his league by the way. I mean, by all accounts he is a wonderfully grounded, regular guy, who also happens to be the eventual heir to the British throne, but she is really, really attractive. I bet she is so attractive that your wife doesn’t like her a la Brooklyn Decker or Angelina Jolie. Go home and ask, I bet I’m right.

You may wondering: will I be watching at 4am when Prince William and soon to be Princess Kate walk down the aisle? The answer: absolutely! But here’s why, our 11 week old son is so nocturnally unpredictable that I’ll probably be up anyway. He’s getting to the point where he can sleep through the night, or at least come pretty close, but my wife and I are both convinced that he is making the conscious decision to deprive us of as much sleep as possible so that when we go to work on less than 4 hours of sleep we look and feel like extras from The Walking Dead. Therefore, I will be watching** the Royal Wedding starting at 4am because my son will be up anyway and Saturday, with its promise of afternoon nap time, is right around the corner which means I can survive the final day of the work week on espresso fumes and a few hours sleep.

**I caught my first taste of “Royal Fever” last night when I made the conscious decision to watch Piers Morgan Tonight on CNN. He was interviewing a whole slew of beaming Brits from Jane Seymour – Kitty Kat – to Princess Diana’s wedding gown designer who kind of resembled Cyndi Lauper. My takeaway: this wedding is a tremendous source of pride for British people. Prince William represents the lasting memory of his mother who is still universally revered for her charitable spirit. Whether or not we Americans get it is probably not the point. Although, judging from the amount of coverage this wedding is already receiving in the States, the moment is most likely unavoidable.


Monday Morning Musings

by

Have you ever tried looking at a map of the world where down is up and south is north as if the globe were flipped over on its axis? Try it sometime and when you do you will realize that it makes no sense. It’s like an optical illusion sure to make you go cross-eyed in a matter of minutes. Well, this is how I feel about the AL East. Sure its fun to look at the standings in early April and see Baltimore, Toronto and Tampa Bay at the top but the longer you look the more backwards it seems. Something just feels out of place until you come to your senses and realize what was wrong with that earlier picture: no New York or Boston. Well luckily, April 25th is here and the Yankees and Sox have reclaimed their rightful place – 1st and 3rd respectively – at the top of the AL East world.

Bitter much? When you’re an Orioles fan, like myself, bitterness is part of the bargain. I only wish I were allowed to hope into May. That would be like an early Christmas/birthday/Father’s Day present wrapped into one. This past weekend series vs the Yankees was a bitter pill. First a rainout on Friday, then a 15-3 butt whipping on Sat night followed by a 6-3 extra inning heartbreaker on Easter Sunday. It was like unwrapping a Cadbury Creme Egg only to find that the chocolate egg has been cracked causing the sugar yolk paste to ooze onto the tin foil wrapper. Very frustrating stuff!!!

And now for your weekly trip around the bases.

1B – Andre Either has a 21 game hitting streak. Pretty impressive for a guy who I actually played against in summer ball.  Unfortunately his prodigious accomplishments at the plate are being over shadowed by the most public divorce in MLB today.

2B – The S.S. Ozzie Guillen is sinking.  The White Sox have lost 9 of 10 putting their overall record at 8-14 bad enough for last place in the AL Central. Good news for us sports fans, you can watch it all unravel here on Ozzie Guillen’s twitter feed.

3B – Granted it was a overcast/cold Friday afternoon in the Windy City but can you remember seeing so many open seats at Wrigley Field? Pittsburgh? Yes. Toronto? Probably. Citi Field…ABSOLUTELY!!! But every thing is different on the Northside. Good news Cubs fans, Bud Selig isn’t overly concerned about the attendance problem.

HR – Speaking of the New York Mets, how about the Amazins rattling off 4 wins in a row? It’s enough for Jerry Seinfeld to forget about his ongoing feud with Donald Trump.

view from an abandoned Wrigley Field courtesy of @DPolacek

Did Mike D’Antoni Kill Rosie Larsen?

by

Of course not! Because Rosie Larsen is a fictional character from AMC’s new hit series The Killing and Mike D’Antoni is not a homicidal maniac. Some deranged, overzealous Knicks fans probably felt like they could have gone on a murdering spree after watching their team falter in the Garden last night.

In what was billed as the biggest basketball game in New York City in over a decade, the Boston Celtics took the Knicks, and their fans, to the proverbial woodshed. From the start, the game wasn’t close. Amare was clearly hurting – bad backs are so hard to disguise – and for some strange reason the much maligned Knicks defense allowed Paul Pierce and Ray Allen open look after open look. It got so bad that I started to wonder if a team has ever fired their head coach at halftime. I can’t imagine the Knicks, or Mike D’Antoni, coming back from a 3-0 deficit against the suddenly rejuvenated Celtics.

To be honest with you, I didn’t even really watch the 2nd half. Of course I checked in to see the score a few times but last night gave me a perfect opportunity to see why everyone is raving about The Killing on AMC. Going into the pilot I was worried the show was going to be too much Twin Peaks and not enough Seven. After three episodes the show has surpassed my modest expectations and it’s safe to say that I’m in for the long haul.

A few other things:

– The best part of The Killing is the time/attention given to developing individual characters. I may only be through the first 3 episodes but I thought the actors playing Mitch and Stan Larsen have done a particularly great job of showing viewers the various stages of grief following the murder of their daughter.

-And who did kill Rosie Larsen? Early odds – Jasper & Chris 3:5, Richmond 4:1, Holder 8:1, and longshot Mitch Larsen 100:1.

-Could this series take place in any other city besides Seattle? The Emerald City is the perfect backdrop for this murky murder mystery. I was however disappointed by the lack of product placement. I figured Linden and Holder would have passed by at least 25 Starbucks by now.

-Finally, AMC and HBO have really cornered the market on television dramas. Waiting to get into HBO’s Game of Thrones, which I hear is also excellent, and looking forward to season two of Treme.

view from MSG courtesy of @verosoraptor