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At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

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A New Mom Dispenses Kentucky Derby Gambling Advice

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The extent of my Kentucky Derby gambling was a $20 bet on Monarchos to win in 2001. The rest is history and I turned my modest winnings into an end of the semester keg party complete with Natural Light and copious amounts of Cool Ranch Doritos. (Ahhh, the simple things of college.) I haven’t bet on horse racing since and now that I’m married, with a 3 month old son, I no longer have the time or resources to warrant a wager on Saturday’s 137 running of the Kentucky Derby.

For this post, I have enlisted the help of my lovely wife, who, if possible, knows even less about horse racing than I do.

Note to gamblers: my wife is basing her decisions solely on how the names of these horses connect to important moments in motherhood.

5. Stay Thirsty, 20-1: “The other night, I asked Jon to get me a bottle of water from the kitchen and he proceeded to drink half of it before returning to the bedroom. I don’t think he understands how hard it is to be the sole provider of a 3 month old child. My body constantly feels like it is under siege. Think Lindsay Lohan without the addictions and ongoing legal trouble.”

4. Mucho Macho Man, 12-1: “Mucho Macho Man is such a catchy name that I have added it to my arsenal of silly, rambling nursery rhymes that I sing to our son. When you have a 3 month old, there are moments during the day when your sole objective is to prevent that child from bursting into tears. If he likes the sound of Mucho Macho Man set to the tune of Zac Brown Band’s Chicken Fried, then I’ll go with it.

Show. Uncle Mo, 9-2: “This is for Jon and his stupid love affair with Mike Francesa. I don’t know what the connection between Francesa and Uncle Mo is but Big Mike seems to be fielding a ton of phone calls on this one horse. Maybe Bruce from Bayside knows something. (Editor’s Note: Uncle Mo is now out of the Kentucky Derby. Bruce from Bayside is forever dead to my wife.)

Place. Watch Me Go, 50-1: “I always thought it was disturbing and inappropriate when a group of mothers would openly discuss the bowel movements of their children. Now that I’m a mom, all I want to do when I get together with my girlfriends is talk about bowel movements. Predictable I know, but misery loves company and there are very few things right now as satisfying as comparing the colors of dirty diapers like they were some sort of wallpaper swatch.

Win. Midnight Interlude, 10-1: “My entire existence is one big, long midnight interlude followed by another one at 2:30am and then one more at 4:30am. I have completely forgotten what it means to sleep through the night. Sometimes, I wake Jon up just so he can suffer through the moment with me which I understand is devious and manipulative but when you’re the mother of a 3 month old, logic no longer enters into the decision making process.”

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There you have it. Enjoy the Derby and a Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there, including my wife!

view from Churchill Downs courtesy of @darrenrovell

If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands

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Spoiler Alert!!!! I’m about to go all old man rant on you. Continue reading if you have ever sat on a porch just waiting for a chance to yell at the neighborhood kids to keep their voices down while you finish your Sudoku.

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You know what really is starting to grind my gears about these NBA playoffs? The incessant hand slapping after free throws. Not only is it a time consuming proposition but it also seems to occur irregardless of whether or not the shot goes in. Last night after Joakim Noah shot a free throw he immediately received a cavalcade of congratulatory handshakes from teammates like Carlos Boozer and Luol Deng. I’m pretty sure one of the referees got in there for a butt slap as well. The way people were celebrating it was as if Joakim was running for public office.

And here’s the kicker, Noah missed that free throw by a good 10 inches. Sooooo, what are you celebrating exactly? I don’t mean to make this just about the Chicago Bulls because free throw hand slapping is everywhere in these playoffs and pretty soon it’s going to force me to watch something else like – gulp – the NHL Playoffs. (If only I could find Versus….)

E.K.G.A.T. Every Kid Gets A Trophy. E.K.G.A.T. It’s 50% of what’s wrong with organized sports and athletes in America today. (The other 50% are the parents who live vicariously through their kids. To steal a phrase from Charles Barkley, those folks are “turrible”.) The idea that young athletes are told how great they are, regardless of performance, rewards mediocrity and builds a damaging false sense of entitlement. Consequently we are developing a nation of young people who are unable to cope with stress or manage failure and who also grow up expecting instant gratification for simply doing their job. I see it every day in the workplace where more and more recent college graduates simply cannot function unless their performance is constantly being validated.

We must get back to learning to live with failure. Learning from mistakes, both physical and mental, is a crucial step in the development of personal and professional resiliency. If you’re looking to blame someone for the fragile mental state of our young athletes, blame Joakim Noah, he of the 10 second post free throw handshake routine.

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Enough old man ranting for today. Tomorrow I’ll be back to talk about cell phones and those darn pop musicians who wear their pants too low.

view from the Staples Center courtesy of @RJWilliams

Cormac McCarthy Once Wrote About U.S. Cellular Field

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The answer to the question is 9.13. That was Minnesota Twins pitcher Francisco Liriano’s earned run average heading into last night’s game against the Chicago White Sox. Oh, and just in case you haven’t heard yet, Francisco Liriano, he of the 9.13 ERA, threw a no hitter last night, first no hitter thrown in the big leagues this season. As John Sterling would say “I mean Suzyn it truly is an amazing game”.

I caught the final half inning of the game and here are my two major takeaways: 1) When it’s cold, and the White Sox are bad, U.S. Cellular Field looks like a place out of a Cormac McCarthy novel. Needless to say I would not have wanted be in that Dodge Caravan heading back to Gary, Indiana.

2) Is it just me or did the Twins post no hitter celebration seem somewhat forced? It had a bizarre Al kissing Tipper feel to it. Perhaps Liriano is not the most popular player on the Twins. Or maybe the team was just too cold and wanted to get back inside to the clubhouse. Whatever the case may be, I was expecting something a little bit more like this.

view from U.S. Cellular Field courtesy of @newtonslawpc

A Reason to Sing Along

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“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” – Mark Twain

It wasn’t as emotional as Whitney Houston’s. It wasn’t as spontaneous as this one in Edmonton. But Jim Cornelison version of the Star Spangled Banner last night before the start of the series opener between the Chicago Bulls and the Atlanta Hawks was still a transcendent moment for American sports fans.

The death of Osama bin Laden marks an important moment in history where Americans can reflect, bring some closure to the events of 9/11 and the now nearly decade long war on terror. Although the threat still exists, as do the scars, Americans can take comfort knowing that our armed forces continue to serve courageously and with incredible honor.

Life is a series a measurable quantities. Peace > War. Good > Evil. Love > Hate. Let’s keep it simple, the rest will fall into place.

view from the United Center courtesy of @silvia_delgado

Monday Morning Musings

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Not a good month to be a member of the 1986 World Series Champion New York Mets. First, it’s revealed that Lenny Dykstra had a penchant for interviewing maids in the buff and now it seems that Atlanta Braves pitching coach, and former Met reliever, Roger McDowell has a few issues of his own to sort through. McDowell just received a two week suspension from MLB for what has been described as lewd and lascivious gestures/language directed towards fans in San Francisco two weekends ago. Personally, I think he got off lightly. Shows you what a little remorse can buy you.

Moving forward, McDowell is going to have a very difficult time earning back the respect of baseball fans around the country. April attendance is down again this season and the last thing MLB needs is to have their pitching coaches treating fungo bats as if they were some sort of “apparatus”. (Go ahead and watch the video where renowned attorney Gloria Allred “simulates” what McDowell allegedly did with that now infamous instrument.)

A Quick Trip Around the Bases

1B – On Sunday, Andre Either extended his hitting streak to 27 games. Quite an impressive feat for an outfielder who is so good looking that he even puts the immortal Derek Zoolander to shame.

2B – Is it really true that the Cleveland Indians have won 6 games in a row, 13 straight at home on the Cuyahoga River? I’m sorry, but who are these F’n guys? Also, it’s May 2nd and both the Chicago White Sox and the Minnesota Twins area already 10 games back in the AL Central. Time to panic as if the Metrodome was about to collapse….again.

3B – Jered Weaver had a chance to go 7-0 in the month of April. That was until he came down with a bad case of the sniffles. Honestly, this Weaver April dominance thing completely snuck up on me. Every time I read that last name I think about his older brother Jeff who I can’t remember winning 7 games in a season, let alone in a row to start a new year.

HR – I know it’s only been a month but I am already perturbed by Bobby Valentine on Sunday Night Baseball.  I don’t know what it is exactly but there is something about him that strikes me as insincere. And Orel Hershiser? Way too rational a thinker for me. Bring back Joe Morgan!!! (On second thought….I’ll give the new crew a little more time before passing final judgment.)

view from Progressive Field courtesy of @MLupole