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The Tim Tebow Inspired Quarterback Exchange

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Tim Tebow is going to the New York Jets, or is it the Jacksonville Jaguars, which has been just about the best thing to happen to twitter since the earthquake that hit the east coast last August. Why his hometown Jacksonville Jaguars weren’t quick to pony up more than a 4th round draft pick is really hard to figure, especially when Tebow would help them put plenty of fannies in the seats. Since the NFL is a multi billion dollar business, why don’t more teams target local heroes/homegrown talent to become the face of their franchise? It almost makes too much sense.

What follows is a little quarterback relocation program where all 32 starting NFL quarterbacks are redistributed to a team closer to their hometown/where they went to college. Each quarterback is then compared to the player who they would be replacing in 2012.

Arizona: Ryan Fitzpatrick – The Harvard graduate would bring some much needed class to the desert. Once he arrives in Glendale the first thing on his agenda should be to shave his beard. Next, help orchestrate a Steve Nash for Jeremy Lin trade. UPGRADE

Atlanta – Cam Newton: Instantly, the Falcons become one of the most compelling/entertaining teams in the NFL. Yo could go so far as to call them the favorites to win the NFC. UPGRADE

Baltimore – Matt Schaub: Schaub looks like about 10 different people I know, including my brother in law who gets pretty pissed any time I mention this because he, like most men in their 30s, is really sensitive about his hairline. EVEN

Buffalo – Andy Dalton: Dalton is from Texas and went to TCU but you have no idea how hard it is to find an NFL quarterback who has a connection to upstate New York. Dairy farmers yes, football players not so much. EVEN

Carolina – Philip Rivers: Norv Turner has to be included in this package deal. EVEN

Chicago – Brady Quinn: Quinn, who will beat out Matt Cassel in KC, returns to the Windy City after playing his college ball at Notre Dame. Quick question, does the city of Chicago have more Michigan or Notre Dame fans? I say Michigan but what do I know. Every time I’m in Chicago I end up in a Michigan State bar. DOWNGRADE

Cincinnati – Jay Cutler: Did you know that Santa Claus, Indiana is only a 3 hour drive from Cincinnati? UPGRADE

Cleveland – Ben Roethlisberger: Huge coup for the Browns who finally get the franchise quarterback they have been waiting for since the days of Bernie Kosar. Slight disappointment for Big Ben who will now be forced to spend all of his off days loitering outside the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. UPGRADE

Dallas – Colt McCoy: It’s hard to believe that this would be the first time the Cowboys have had a starting quarterback named “Colt”.  DOWNGRADE

Denver – Alex Smith: John Elway secretly wishes Kordell Stewart was still in the league. DOWNGRADE

Detroit – Tom Brady: The rest of the NFC North shudders at the thought of Brady throwing 50 yard post patterns to Megatron. The only downside, not sure how many pairs of man Uggs Brady helps sell in the Detroit metro area. UPGRADE

Green Bay – Tony Romo: A return to Wisconsin for Romo means more rounds of golf at Whistling Straits. DOWNGRADE

Houston – Matthew Stafford: While working on this list, it was amazing to realize how many NFL quarterbacks come from the state of Texas. It’s like what they use to say about point guards from NYC or Republicans from Orange County . UPGRADE

Indianapolis – Drew Brees: The Purdue grad is a more than acceptable replacement for Peyton Manning, if he is able to beat out fellow Boilermaker Curtis Painter. UPGRADE

Jacksonville – Tim Tebow: This is where he has always belonged, assuming the Jets continue to have a difficult time understanding the fine print. UPGRADE

Kansas City – Josh Freeman: That afro plays anywhere. UPGRADE

Miami – Matt Flynn: Bit of a stretch but for what it’s worth, Flynn’s former offensive coordinator with the Green Bay Packers Joe Philbin is now the head coach of the Dolphins. EVEN

Minnesota – Carson Palmer: This makes a lot of sense, especially when the Vikings relocate to Southern California. UPGRADE

New England – Matt Hasselbeck: I’ll say this about Hasselbeck, you can’t accuse him of ever receiving a hair transplant. DOWNGRADE

New Orleans – Eli Manning: Eli returns home to play in the dome Archie built while NOLA is quick to forget all about Bountygate. Or so we thought. EVEN

New York Giants: Robert Griffin III – The Superman socks seal the deal as the GMen land a football hero to patrol the dangerous and uninviting swamps of Jersey/Metropolis. DOWNGRADE

New York Jets: John Skelton – Fordham’s own lasts about a half before Jets fans start calling into WFAN asking for the team to reacquire Mark Sanchez. Oh the irony. DOWNGRADE

Oakland: Andrew Luck -A silver & black renaissance! If only Al Davis were here to see it. UPGRADE

Philadelphia – Matt Ryan: Matty Ice isn’t nearly as good as Yuengling. DOWNGRADE

Pittsburgh – Joe Flacco: Do you think Dave Wannstedt  and his mustache still regret choosing Tyler Palko over Joe Flacco? DOWNGRADE 

St. Louis – Sam Bradford: If healthy EVEN. If AJ Feeley DOWNGRADE

San Diego – Mark Sanchez: Assuming that he remains the starter. For all we know the Chargers will try to trade for Tim Tebow in a shallow attempt to sell more tickets and light a fire under a guy who they just gave a contract extension. In twitter terms, #thejetsareafreakingmess. DOWNGRADE

San Francisco – Aaron Rodgers: Perfect fit for the team and player. The Niners become instant favorites to win the Super Bowl while Rodgers takes his Discount Double Check back to the Bay Area. UPGRADE

Seattle – Matt Moore: The Oregon State grad is a perfect fit in the Pacific Northwest, mostly because he’s currently the only starting quarterback who went to school in either Washington or Oregon. Where’s Drew Bledsoe or Ryan Leaf when you need them? NEUTRAL

Tampa Bay – Christian Ponder: This is only interesting if the Bucs also ditch the pewter for the creamsicle throwbacks. DOWNGRADE

Tennessee – Peyton Manning: This moves makes a ton of sense especially if the Titans would be willing to add a bit more orange to their uniforms and commit to playing at least 4 home games in Neyland Stadium. UPGRADE

Washington – Michael Vick: There was a time when Redskins owner Daniel Snyder would have mortgaged the entire future of the Washington franchise for an athletic quarterback with a rifle arm and Olympic sprinter speed. Oh right. UPGRADE

view from Jupiter courtesy of Eddie

Don Draper Traded To Rival Advertising Agency For A Case of Single Malt Scotch

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Madison Avenue awoke this morning to news that Don Draper, the unscrupulous lothario from one of New York’s top ad agencies Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, had been traded to rival agency Cutler Gleason and Chaough. In return for Draper, SCDP will receive two top CGC executives as well as future cash considerations and a case of Glenlivet. When asked why liquor was included in the transaction, CGC executive Ted Chaough said that “we wanted to clear the cabinets of as much booze as possible before the arrival of Draper”. The blockbuster deal was finalized only hours before the trading deadline was set to close Thursday afternoon and brings a sudden end to what has been a long gestating process for both Draper and SCDP.

Questions persisted throughout season 4 about Draper’s willingness to remain long term with Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Even though he was a founding member of the new agency, insiders have felt for some time that Draper had grown disillusioned with the direction of the agency that now bears his name. His contract with SCDP was due to expire at the end of the Christmas catalogue season and there was some concern within SCDP over whether or not Draper was going to sign his advertisers option which would have locked him up with his current firm for at least another year. In recent weeks, Draper had intimated to those closest to him that he would be willing to resign with SCDP if they were able to surround him with a winning team of brand managers. However, part of the problem for SCDP is that they have a lot of money tied up in a few past their prime agents like Roger Sterling. The Sterling conundrum has plagued the agency for years and just when it seemed like he had cleaned up his act for good, rumors began circulating throughout the Time Life building that Sterling may in fact be the father of Joan Harris’ unborn child. How all of this affected recent SCDP negotiations with Don Draper is unclear. What is certain is that SCDP could no longer bank on Draper remaining with the agency beyond this season and needed to protect their interests moving forward.

In Draper, Cutler Gleason and Chaough get a bonifide advertising star who will be the face of the agency for years to come. Paired with Ted Chaough the two will form a dynamic duo and compete with the other titans of the advertising world. This move doesn’t come without a little controversy as there were certain members of CGC board who remain unconvinced that Draper is the solution to their problems and worry that they gave up too much in the deal. Several CGC executives are worried that Draper has yet to fully recover from his divorce at the beginning of season 4. His ex wife Betty has since remarried but Draper continues to deal with concerns over his children and mortgage. Betty, who very few people like to begin with, has taken her crusade against Draper to the post office where she has written several letters of 140 characters or less admonishing the ad exec for previous infidelities and continued paternal negligence. For his part, Draper is reluctant to talk about his ex wife, choosing instead to focus on finishing the ad season strong.

Rumors are now swirling that Cutler Gleason and Chaough will insist that Draper sign a special insurance policy with the company that protects CGC from any future misconduct involving Draper, alcohol, and women. Sterling Cooper tried something similar years ago but Draper would have none of it then so it seems highly unlikely that he would agree to it now with CGC. If that’s the case, CGC must try to lure other advertising agents to their firm to surround Draper with the best team possible thus ensuring that he re-signs with the company long term at the end of the season.

What happens next for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce remains a mystery. As one of the most cunning advertisers in the game, Draper had been face of the agency for the past 4 seasons. His departure ends a successful, albeit tumultuous era for SCDP. In the absence of Draper, expect Pete Campbell and Peggy Olson to take on a much more visible roles within the company. When asked about Draper, close friend and confidant Roger Sterling said, “you just don’t go and replace a talent like Don. It will take years before this firm recovers. The only thing that can dull the pain of losing Draper is that case of Glenlivet which I’m about to start consuming once I get off the phone with you.”

view from the AT&T Center courtesy of @CenzParts

 

Breaking Down The Bracket: A Sports Bloggers Rite Of Passage

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While most everyone else, including your boss and mother in law, is bickering over their brackets and comparing cinderellas, I decided to take a slightly different approach to March Madness. Rather than focus on any specific 7/10 matchup or share with you my gloriously irrelevant Final Four prediction, (Go Jackrabbits!!!!), I figured that what was most needed at this time was a closer examination of the second/third round host cities. Here are superlatives for each of the 8 locations, including Greensboro.

Best Scrabble Score: Albuquerque – It may not be “sesquioxidizing” but with 31 points the largest city in New Mexico is clearly the highest scoring scrabble word on the board. And there isn’t even a close second. Go ahead, do the math. Nashville (15) and Greensboro (12) don’t stand a chance. Maybe if a second/third round game were being played in Jacksonville (28) would you then have an argument. But in board game reality, none of this even matters because as anyone who plays scrabble knows you can’t play a word that starts with a capital letter which is always a bummer for me whenever I try to sneak “Xanadu” by my opponents.

Best Explorer as a Namesake: Columbus – The capital of Ohio wins by default and really only because there are no tournament games played in either Hudson, NY or Ponce de Leon, FL. One of my absolute favorite books to teach in my World History class is “1491” by Charles Mann which gives an in depth look at what American civilizations were like before European contact. Contrary to many of our textbooks, indigenous peoples were able to cultivate and sustain incredibly complex and technologically advanced societies. Of course, if like me you grew up watching Disney movies then the notion of the Native Americans as neither “noble savages” or “incurably vicious barbarians” comes as somewhat of a shock. Now that I have kids of my own I suppose this is what they call a teachable moment.

Best Beer for Under $2: Nashville – It’s impossible to not at least respect a place where a 16oz can of PBR costs you right around $1.50, including tax. The Music City has a pulse and vibe unlike any other city in the country. (Granted I have yet to visit New Orleans, Miami, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Austin, or Seattle.) The only downside, the water mocassins. My grandmother was born and raised in Nashville and she use to tell us how when the Cumberland River would rise and flood the surrounding plains that it would leave behind dangerous cottonmouth water moccasins in people’s gazebos and living rooms. These stories always use to give me the willies and made me appreciate my idyllic upbringing in New England where the only menacing wildlife that I encountered was my neighbors rabid golden retriever named Molly.

Best City Where I Would Have Liked To Live If It Were 2008 Before Every Hipster Dufus From Williamsburg Brooklyn Hadn’t Already Moved There: Portland – I caught a few promos for the MLS opener Monday night between the Portland Timbers and the Philadelphia Union and walked away totally freaked out by the passion exhibited by soccer fans in the pacific northwest. For instance, were you aware that the Timbers unofficial mascot is some brawny guy named Timber Joey who after every Portland win fires up a large chainsaw and cuts a section off the “victory log”? Timber Joey and victory log: two things that I never thought I would mention in the same sentence.

Best City Where I Would Have Liked To Live If It Were 2009 Before Every Hipster Dufus From Williamsburg Brooklyn Hadn’t Already Moved There: Pittsburgh – I’ve expressed my preoccupation with the Steel City before, but it bears repeating, this town has everything young professionals are looking for including affordable housing. Andrew Carnegie would be so proud.

Best Billionaire: Omaha – Speaking of the Gospel of Wealth, Omaha remains the home of the oracle himself Warren Buffett, who for some odd reason I always get confused with Rupert Murdoch even though one believes that the richest 1% should pay more in taxes while the other owns News Corp, a company known for it’s conservative politics and illegal phone hacking. Perhaps it’s the glasses. Or the vaults full of money.

Best City To Mispronounce: Louisville – Or is it “Loo-ee-vil”? Let me just say that the outsiders way is much, much easier. My dad and I are constantly at odds over how to pronounce his hometown of Baltimore, MD. He prefers “Bawl-mer” while I favor the more prevalent, albeit incorrect, “Ball-ta-more”. The fact that we are even still having this argument just proves the theory that my dad has yet to fully recover after Barry Levinson failed to cast him as one of the leads in Diner. It’s funny, dad has always considered himself to be a lot like Boogie where I have always seen him as a taller version of Eddie.

Best City In North Carolina That Is Also A Site For a 2012 NCAA Tournament Game: Greensboro – Part of me wanted to give this category to Louisville too but that wasn’t going to work seeing as how Kentucky and North Carolina are two different states, even though both can boast a #1 seed in the NCAA tournament. And why is it that Greensboro always seems to be a host city? Probably has something to do with its close proximity to the Research Triangle and the rich basketball tradition along Tobacco Road. If that’s the case, why no love for Manchester, NH?

view from Dayton Arena courtesy of @gregwrubell

How To Turn Your Place Of Employment Into An Actual Real Life March Madness Bracket

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What if life were like March Madness where the hierarchy of every business/place of employment were determined by a bracket? As a high school history teacher I am absolutely fascinated by this concept. Who hasn’t spent endless hours during their lunch break comparing their value to that of Jim over in accounting? What if during contract negotiations your boss were to rank all of the top employees in the company from 1 to 64 and go through the bracket, matchup by matchup, region by region, until a winner, or most valuable employee, was determined? Isn’t this a meritocracy at its best?

I also think it would be interesting to assess what your own personal seeding would be heading into the tournament. For instance, I’m one of 60 or so teachers at my school and that number isn’t even counting administrators, support staff, coaches, etc. Would I even make the top 64? If I don’t, should I be worried about my long term job security?

If I were to make the field it would probably be as an automatic bid from the Southern Conference. I would most likely enter as a #13 seed and take on a high powered at large bid out of the development office. Think Davidson vs Wisconsin. Once the brackets are announced I all of a sudden become a very trendy upset pick, probably because most teachers don’t really understand how the development team got to be a #4 seed in the first place. Then you have guys like Doug Gottlieb and Digger Phelps picking me to make it all the way to the regionals in Phoenix where I would end up taking on a #1 seed like Kansas. Here is were my Cinderella story through March comes to an end as the Dean of Faculty beats me into submission before we even reach the half.

But, as a history teacher, I can feel good about making it to the Sweet 16 especially when very few colleagues predicted me to make it that far. Hopefully my performance in the office value bracket would allow me to keep my job for at least another year until we are ready to start the madness all over again.

view from Madison Square Garden courtesy of @chrisfreezy17

Hoop Dreams: More Relevant Today Than Ever Before

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2012 marks the 18th Anniversary of Hoop Dreams, a landmark sports documentary about two young Chicago basketball players, Arthur Agee and William Gates, with high aspirations and hopes for the future. At least that’s what it says on the iTunes plot description. What the movie is really about is two families struggling to overcome all the obstacles and stereotypes that continue to beset African Americans. The film has been airing on one of the ESPN’s recently and it is recommended viewing for anyone looking to revisit many of the complex socioeconomic issues that continue to effect our inner cities. Here are just a few points to consider when watching Hoop Dreams today.

Chicago has been in the spotlight recently due to an unseemly amount of violence throughout certain parts of the city, especially the Western portion of the proper around Marshall High where, coincidentally, Arthur Agee went to school. Agee went to Marshall after not being able to foot the bill at St. Joseph’s. But in reality, if Agee were able to play up to head coach Gene Pingatore’s expectations he probably never would have had to leave the program.

Pingatore, or “PING” as his license plate reads, is a very complex figure. On the one hand, he has had an incredibly successful coaching career, helping place several of his most prized pupils, like Isaiah Thomas and more recently Evan Turner, in some of the most prestigious universities and basketball programs in the country. But at what cost? For every William Gates who shows promise early and is rewarded with Coach Ping’s eternal loyalty there is an Arthur Agee who couldn’t live up to expectations on the freshman team and would be unsympathetically weened off the teat before having an opportunity to complete his education at St. Joe’s.

And speaking of Isaiah Thomas, Hoop Dreams was filmed right around the same time that the Detroit Pistons star point guard, and future office creepster, was left of the 1992 Olympic basketball roster.  As the story goes, it was Michael Jordan, amongst others, who wanted Zeke left off the Dream Team because nobody wanted to play with him.  MJ always seems to be the center of unsubstantiated rumors. Was he kicked out of the NBA for a season because he gambled on basketball? And is he selling his $29 million Highland Park estate because he needs to the money to meet payroll for the Charlotte Bobcats?

But back to Hoop Dreams, one has to wonder whether or not William Gates would have had a better basketball career if he hurt his knee in 2012 instead of 1990. Those scenes from the film where he is having his knee scoped are pretty gruesome. Schools like Indiana, Kansas, and NC State would have probably kept knocking on his door if he still had both menisci.

When he was at the top of his game, it was pretty cool to see Gates compete in the ABCD summer camp alongside future member of Michigan’s Fab Five Juwan Howard, Chris Webber, and Jalen Rose. And how perfect was Dick Vitale when speaking to the prospects? He hasn’t changed one bit. Same enthusiasm. Same hairline. Same tight fitting coaching shorts. Dicky V was talking to the campers about the pitfalls of being a big time college athlete.

Hoop Dreams sheds some much needed light on the cut throat process that is the college recruitment process where young student/athletes are played against the odds. Marquette coach Kevin O’Neill, yeah that Kevin O’Neill, sits down in William’s living room and explains to the high school senior that the Golden Eagles have 2 spots for 7 recruits.  O’Neill probably sat down with each of those 7 families and dropped them all the same line about how if they say they want to go to Marquette then he will stop recruiting other players. This sort of parlor trick no doubt employed by the majority of DI coaches puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the player to make a quick decision lest he be passed over for a more spontaneous recruit.

A few final points/observations. First, it would have been really fascinating to witness a one-on-one game between Agee and Gates during their respective primes. Agee probably had the higher ceiling because he was an incredibly gifted athlete who could get to the basket and create his own shot. But Gates had the polish/mid range game that would allow him to blend in easily with a more established program and coach.

Secondly, it’s pretty amazing when you realize that Williams Gates Jr. is one of the stars of the current St. Joe’s team. Judging from the youtube clips, it looks like Jr’s game is much more reminiscent of Agee than his father. Not surprising considering that Arthur Agee and William Gates will be inextricably linked for all eternity because of Hoop Dreams.

view from Champaign courtesy of @clayharbs82