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If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 8

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Indianapolis (+8.5) over TENNESSEE – It’s fun to try and think about what the spread of each Colts game this season would have been if Peyton Manning were healthy and playing. Take for example this matchup against the Titans. With Manning, I say the line goes to Colts (-6.5). Also, to whomever suggested this past week that Manning deserves a few MVP votes…you sir are a pot stirring nincompoop.

Jacksonville (+9.5) over Houston – The potential return of Andre Johnson means two things: 1) Texans tease the cover and win game 21-13 and 2) my fantasy team gets back on track after nearly three full weeks of mediocrity. How does the old saying go? You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken____?

CAROLINA (-3.5) over Minnesota – For some strange reason this matchup between two teams who are a combined 3-11 is one of the more appealing of all the 1pm starts. Probably has something to do with the two rookie quarterbacks, Cam Newton and Christian Ponder. I won’t be as excited if this game some how ends up involving Donovan McNabb.

New Orleans (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS – How exactly is a high ankle sprain any different from a regular ankle sprain? Is there such a thing as a low ankle sprain? In high school, I can remember rolling my ankle at least once a varsity basketball game. Today, my ligaments are so stretched out that I sprain an ankle climbing the stairs.

BALTIMORE (-13) over Arizona – What the heck happened last Monday night? Maurice Jones-Drew fumbled the ball four times and the Jaguars STILL managed to beat the Ravens. Is it all on QB Joe Flacco? It certainly seems like a lot of Baltimore fans are piling on the Delaware grad right now. I say give him a break. After all, it wasn’t too long ago that he was still living in his parents basement driving a beat up old Ford Taurus wagon.

NY GIANTS (-10) over Miami – It would be so like the Giants to play down to their competition here. However, since these are the dysfunctional Dolphins, there’s a better chance of Tony Sparano getting fired during halftime than of Miami actually winning this game.

BUFFALO (-6) over Washington – Since Buffalo is allowed to play one game a year in Toronto, then I think it’s only fair for teams like Seattle and Minnesota to schedule a “home” game in Canada as well. Imagine how crazy Edmonton would go for Vikings/Cardinals.

Detroit (-3) over DENVER – I never really got into the whole planking thing. I always thought it was a little unsanitary to lay across the jewelry display at your local Macy’s. But I’ll tell you, this tebowing thing has some real potential.

New England (-3) over PITTSBURGH – At what point Sunday do you think we will be able to tell who Jim Nantz is pulling for? I say second quarter after Simms drops the 8th “Ben” of the day.

SAN FRANCISCO (-8.5) over Cleveland – The Browns are like gambling kryptonite. Doesn’t matter who you take in this game it will most certainly come back to haunt you. Speaking of haunting, really looking froward to my first Halloween as a father. Of course, my son is much to young to enjoy candy himself which means….more Take 5’s for me!!!!!

SEATTLE (+3) over Cincinnati – I hope the Seahawks are the next team to go back to their “old school” uniforms. It would bring back such fond memories of Dave Krieg and Steve Largent.

Dallas (+3.5) over PHILADELPHIA – I watched a few minutes of the Chuck Wepner documentary on ESPN and one thing was made abundantly clear; the Bayonne County Park is just not the same thing as the Philadelphia Art Museum.

San Diego (-3.5) over KANSAS CITY – I for one am a huge proponent of the playoff, or in the case of Chiefs head coach Todd Haley, winning streak beard. It’s a proven fact that unkempt facial hair is good for at least one or two victories a season.

Last Week 6-7 (Overall 56-47)

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @akosnitzky

Just Another Typical, Run of the Mill NFL Preview: AFC East

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Champs: New England Patriots (11-5)* – All you haters need to back off the criticism of Tom Brady for being the face of UGG for men. First of all, have you seen those things? They look like a really comfortable pair of cowboy boots. They look like the type of footwear Clint Eastwood would have really appreciated while filming a Sergio Leone spaghetti western in the Apennine mountains. And remember, according to your grandfather, no one has nor ever will ooze the same kind of rugged manliness as Dirty Harry.

On Deck: New York Jets (10-6)* – I just have this strange feeling that the Jets offense is going to miss WR Braylon Edwards much more than they realize. Plaxico Burress is a nice, redemptive story but after nearly two years in the clink, who knows how much he can actually contribute on the field. Of even greater concern, placing Greg McElroy on IR means the Jets will now have to find a different backup to hold the third string quarterback clipboard. I have always wondered what they are writing down on those things anyway. Could just be a couple of reserves playing a game of “hangman” or maybe doing the crossword puzzle.

Limbo: Buffalo Bills (7-9) – Ryan Fitzpatrick is the best quarterback to come out of the Ivy League since Jay Fiedler. Speaking of the former Dartmouth College great, did you know that Fiedler was close childhood friends with former New York Knicks enforcer Anthony Mason? That would be like Fitzy and Buffalo WR Stevie Johnson attending the same preschool.

Chumps: Miami Dolphins (5-11) – There’s a chance, repeat chance, that the Dolphins are in postion to take Stanford QB Andrew Luck with the 1st pick in the 2012 draft. Of course that would have to mean that the 2011 season is a complete disaster for a team that only a few years ago was considered one of the favorites to win the AFC East. Oh how the average have fallen.

Fantasy Sleepers – Brandon Marshall (WR, Miami), Ryan Fitzpatrick (QB, Buffalo), BenJarvus Green-Ellis (RB, New England)

Ready for Primetime Games – 9/11: Dallas @ NY Jets, 9/12: New England @ Miami, 10/2: New York @ Baltimore, 10/17: Miami @ NY Jets, 11/13: New England @ NY Jets, 11/17: NY Jets @ Denver, 11/21: Kansas City @ New England, 12/4: Indianapolis @ New England

*denotes playoff team

view from Dolphins/Cowboys courtesy of @Rontina

Monday Musings: Golf, Erectile Dysfunction, and #FreeLoMo

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Before we delve into baseball, here are a few quick strokes from the final round of the PGA Championship. First, neither name may light up the box office but Keegan Bradley and Jason Dufner sure do know how to put on an exciting finish at a major championship. Happy to see the New England native Bradley pull through, most because I had this constant feeling that Dufner was a lukewarm Colt 45 away from the couch. Secondly, CBS must believe that everyone watching the broadcast suffers from erectile dysfunction and low testosterone. There were so many Cialis commercials that I almost felt like watching the coverage from my bathtub. And I’ll tell you another thing, next time I’m watching a PGA tour event in person, I’ll make sure to give a wide berth to my fellow onlookers. Who knows what’s going on down there after all. But, I digress.

A Quick Trip Around the Bases

1B – Too much LoMo for the Florida Marlins? Logan Morrison, the Marlins starting left fielder and outspoken twittaholic, was sent down to Class AAA New Orleans Saturday night after a 3-0 defeat at the hands of Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants. Morrison is having a breakout season for the Marlins, batting .249 with 17 home runs and 60 RBI which is exactly the reason why his demotion was very surprising.  According to a justifiably prickly Morrison, he was told by the Marlins organization that his being sent down had to do with hitting .240 while manager Jack McKeon was equally cryptic, adding that it was a move which should help LoMo “go out and work on his game”. Not exactly inspiring words from the 80 year old Marlins skipper which, along with the timing and overall cloudy nature of the decision, has led many to continue wondering what the heck if going on in South Florida.

Now, as conspiracy theories continue to mount, people are starting to believe that the Marlins sent down Morrison for being too present on twitter, occasionally speaking out against the Florida organization and its has been star shortstop Hanley Ramirez. If this is truly the case, then the Marlins organization is out of touch with the winds of MLB fans/social media and must develop a much firmer backbone when it come to handling honest criticism from players. LoMo is good for the Marlins and the game of baseball because he has figured out a way to connect with and facilitate relationships with fans – not to mention the 17 HR’s and 60 RBI. As the Florida organization prepares to open its new stadium next summer it would be wise for the front office to embrace Morrison and his 50,ooo+ followers on twitter. They do after all represent 50K more people than the average attendance at Sun Life Stadium Marlins this season.

2B – Carlos Zambrano continues to be nothing but a counterproductive influence on the Chicago Cubs, MLB, and hefty starting pitchers worldwide. By this point we shouldn’t really be surprised by anything Big Z does, including threatening to retire from professional baseball mid season. His debilitating petulance was on full stage again over the weekend after he responded to another woeful performance against the Atlanta Braves by throwing at Chipper Jones. He would then later pack up the entire contents of his locker and swear to never return again. The Northside of Chicago probably wishes he was serious about retiring, that way the Cubs wouldn’t be on the hook for his substantial salary in 2012. Is there another MLB team out there dumb enough to trade for the starting pitcher? The Cubs are ready to listen to most offers including, but not limited to: a box of baseballs, Derek Jeter 3K hit memorabilia, or a tub of used pine tar. Nobody needs pitching that badly. Taking it a step further, all unemployed Chicago Cubs fans should be allowed to throw a bucket full of warm lemon-lime Gatorade at Zambrano in hopes that he will wake up and realize how fortunate he is to still have a job.

3B – No Sunday morning is complete w/out a little Ed Randall’s Talking Baseball on WFAN New York. In between reminders to get your prostate checked, Randall managed to squeeze in a brief discussion on the most sure-fired way to shorten the length of MLB games, which he believes is to simply have umpires call more strikes. Of course, in this the age of entitlement, players have slowly eroded what little confidence umpires once held – well all except for Cowboy Joe West – making it nearly impossible for the men in blue to call a letter high strike. Here’s an idea: replace the plate umpire with one of those pitch tracks boxes they use during the television broadcast. That way, when David Ortiz complains about a knee high strike he has no one to blame but Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

HR – Arizona has a problem and it has to do with their grass. They can’t grow any. Right now, the outfield at Chase Field looks like a patched up pair of corduroys. They need to install something similar to what the University of Phoenix Stadium uses which is a retractable surface that maintains appropriate amounts of sunshine and moisture. Or they can just keep doing what they’re doing which, if the Diamondbacks make the playoffs, means that we’ll have October baseball from the desert. Literally.

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @ajlovesmegan

Plodding Through the Previews: Cars 2

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Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also connect the movie to a current sports story however, this final pursuit may result in complete and abject failure.

Cars 2

The original Cars is in fact the only Pixar film which I have never seen. As we all know, Pixar movies resonate with adults just as much as kids. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that nearly half of Pixar’s entire feature film library – Up and Wall E to name a few – were explicitly made for adults. Which is probably why these movies makes so much money. Parents are just as excited to see the movie as their kids.

Yet somehow, Cars has eluded me, like my white whale. Maybe my son will grow to be a huge NASCAR fan and we will develop a mutual love and respect for the original imovie. For now at least, I know very little about the premise of the first Cars other than it was Paul Newman’s last major role before his death in 2008.

A Second by Second Breakdown

:25 – Larry the Cable Guy is back! Has he done anything significant since the first Cars? Does he still do the “you know you’re a redneck when” bit or I am thinking of Jeff Foxworthy?

:52 – My absolute favorite part of previews for animated movies, trying to guess the voices. The Italian sports car sure does sound an awful lot like either John Turturro or Luciano Pavarotti.

:58 – No guessing on this one. That is the unmistakable voice of Michael Caine clearly on loan from the set of the latest Batman film. Wouldn’t it be awesome if movies worked liked professional soccer where actors could be loaned out by bigger films to smaller projects for a fee. Speaking of The Dark Knight Rises, when can we expect a preview?

1:01 – Sarah Ferguson Duchess of York? Can someone please explain to me why she is still making the morning show rounds? I swear she has been on the Today show at least 3 times a week for the past 20 years. (Note: I don’t really think this character is voiced by Fergie. At least I don’t after my wife corrected me.)

1:13 – Well this has become totally unrealistic. Brent Mustberger doesn’t have the time to announce a grand prix race. Not with the Little League World Series on the horizon.

1:36 – Who’s the main star of this film: Owen Wilson or Larry the Cable Guy? Judging from this preview it seems as if LtCG is the main draw. But why? I thought attendance at NASCAR events was way down this year.

1:52 – I can’t believe we’re nearly two minutes into a Cars preview and “Life is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts has yet to be prominently featured. This has to be a first. I hope somewhere Tom Cochrane is smiling.

The Plod

Lightning McQueen is a world famous racing car about to take on the best of the best in the biggest grand prix race of the year. It is soon revealed that McQueen is being targeted by an evil international consortium. Michael Cain and Sarah Ferguson believe Larry the Cable Guy is behind the plan to sabotage the big race. Owen Wilson and LtCG have a melodramatic falling out before the big race. Eventually, Larry the Cable Guy is absolved of any wrong doing and returns to save the day, and race, for his good old friend Owen Wilson. Lightning McQueen wins the race, falls for the Duchess of York, and LtCG becomes an honorary member of the British Secret Service.

Cars 2 as it relates to a Major Sports Story

I’ll go with Jack McKeon returning to manage the Florida Marlins at the ripe old age of 80. His first order of business, bench Hanley Ramirez for being late. I love old people, they just don’t care what anyone else thinks. How, you ask, does this all relate to the Cars 2 preview? Easy, Larry the Cable Guy was forced out of Lightning McQueen’s inner circle much like Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria forced McKeon to retire as manager in 2005. Now, as the big race approaches, both McQueen and Loria have regained their senses and rehired their most trusted confidants.

Easy. Right?

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @joecapmarlins



Monday Morning Musings

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There is this one house on my running route that has been uninhabited/up for sale for quite some time yet the owners/real estate agents haven’t canceled their New York Times subscription. Since the Times has recently gone pay for access, a copy of the Sunday edition has turned into a very valuable commodity. Consequently, I am left with a moral conundrum: to steal or not to steal a copy of the New York Times.

Understand that I haven’t stolen anything since I was 7 years old and I swiped a tootsie pop from my next door neighbor. At the time I was so guilt ridden that I returned the half eaten lollipop to my neighbors kitchen and vowed never to steal again. But isn’t a free copy of the Sunday Times too good to pass up? I wouldn’t even be contemplating this idea if I thought anyone was actually going to read these copies because as it stands now there are a weeks worth of papers stacked up in the abandoned driveway. For the sake of neighborhood resale values, and pretentious intellectuals worldwide, don’t I have a moral obligation to keep our streets clean?

A Quick Trip Around the Bases

1B – Do the Florida Marlins really figure that a new stadium, and name – Miami, will help resolve their attendance issues? As a Baltimore Orioles fan I am probably not the person to talk about empty seats in stadiums but it’s clear from the attached view that nobody is going to these Marlins games in Sun Life Stadium. Granted they were playing the Nationals but still, there must have been only 3K in attendance to see Anibal Sanchez carry a no-hitter into the 7th inning.

2B – Speaking of no-hitters, first Francisco Liriano on Tuesday and then Justin Verlander Saturday. For Verlander this was no no number 2 and many are now speculating that he has the stuff to potentially match Sandy Koufax for second place on the career no-hitter list with 4. (Nobody is going to catch up to Nolan Ryan’s astounding 7 no-hitters.)

3B – Derek Jeter busted out of his season long slump on Sunday going 4 for 6 with 2 HR’s in the Yankees 12-5 win over the Texas Rangers. It’s just one game but judging from New York sports talk radio this morning, all is forgiven between Jeter and the Yankees fans who for weeks were calling for manager Joe Girardi to either drop him down to 8 or 9 in the order or have him banished to the island of Elba. Now after yesterday’s performance, Jeter gets to stay in the leadoff spot for at least one more game and Mike Francesa has the creative license to talk exclusively about two things this afternoon: the Jeter “resurgence” and the incredibly uninspiring Kentucky Derby. If you want to talk about the Mets are anything else having to do with New York sports you can all but forget about it. Tunnel vision. 6 Diet Cokes deep and I say Mike is still going on about Uncle Mo and the owner who invented Vitamin Water.

HR – And while we’re on the subject of hitting streaks, Andre Either had his come to a smashing halt at 30 games this Saturday..by the Mets. The Mets may finish last in the NL East but at least they can say they ended the longest hitting streak of the season to date. Of course, this is probably not much solace for a franchise on the verge of trading their 2 most productive players, Reyes and Beltran, while rumors continue to circulate that the team is up for sale. It’s enough to tire out even the most ardent Mets supporters like say Keith Hernandez.

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @Neuman85