Trying to warm a bottle before the baby begins crying is a lot like what it must feel like to diffuse a bomb. All that’s missing from my kitchen is a ticking clock and Jeremy Renner. Speaking of Renner, I didn’t watch the Golden Globes last night but twitter told me that Jennifer Lopez almost kicked Renner’s ass after he made a sexist remark about her dress which is just one more reason why Matt Damon will always be the one and only Jason Bourne.

The NBA Watchability Index for Parents: January 12, 2015

5 Baby Bottles (until those little eyes glaze over)

No games

4 Baby Bottles (make sure to tilt the head upright)

Detroit Pistons @ Toronto Raptors (7:30 PM)

Pretty light Monday night in the Association which is fine seeing as most of our attention will be directed at the college football national championship between Oregon and Ohio State. I’ve got no skin in the game but would like to see Oregon win if only because Marcus Mariota is a fun quarterback to watch play football and the Ducks have come close before. But my sense is that the Buckeyes have turned into a trendy pick to win after their somewhat unexpected, albeit impressive, win over Alabama in the semifinals. It helps when you have a third string quarterback as talented and big as Cardale Jones. Most college programs can’t count on that kind of depth, heck, most NFL teams would love to have a solid starter let alone two equally capable backups. Either way, it should be a good game and hopefully Jerry Jones and Gov. Christie are able to make it back to Dallas in time for kickoff.

If college football’s not your thing, Canada, then this Pistons/Raptors game is the best of the bunch tonight, which, you would not have been able to say two weeks ago before this remarkable run the Pistons have gone on since the Josh Smith trade.

3 Baby Bottles (a quick swaddle and rock)

New Orleans Pelicans @ Boston Celtics (7:30 PM)

These two teams were involved in a fairly major three team trade over the weekend as the Celtics continued to clear cap by sending Jeff Green to the Memphis Grizzlies in exchange for Austin Rivers amongst others. Rivers, who is apparently not dead or in the NBDL, has yet to live up to the promise while Green will help the Grizz as they attempt to outwit and outlast the loaded West.

2 Baby Bottles (in between burps)

Orlando Magic @ Chicago Bulls (8:00 PM)

The Magic have lost 6 games in a row but still have a good chance of making the playoffs because the bottom of the Eastern Conference is that bad. The Victor Oladipo/Jimmy Butler matchup is worth at least a cursory glance as you’d be hard pressed to find two more athletic guards in the NBA.

Houston Rockets @ Brooklyn Nets (7:30 PM)

Speaking of losing streaks, the Nets have lost 5 games as the Barclays Center anxiously awaits the arrival next year of the first place New York Islanders. (Note: for you basketball only folks the Islanders are a hockey team who haven’t had much success in the NHL since the late 70s/early 80s making their season to date both a surprise and good story.)

1 Baby Bottle (only during an emergency diaper change)

No games

I enjoyed a couple glasses of red wine with dinner last night and nearly fell asleep at the table. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at things, I had a crying infant to remind me that my night was far from over which was a good thing because it allowed me to watch the final minutes of the Grizzlies/Hawks game but a bad thing because by 10PM I was so tired that I was nearly the one in need of a diaper change.

NBA Watchability Index for Thursday January 8, 2015

5 Baby Bottles (until those little eyes glaze over)

No games

4 Baby Bottles (make sure to tilt the head upright)

No games

3 Baby Bottles (a quick swaddle and rock)

Miami Heat @ Portland Trail Blazers (10:30 PM)

Thursday night is a light night in the NBA and this game is on paper perhaps the best of the bunch. Even though the Blazers will probably run away with this thing you never now when Dwyane Wade will unleash one of those retro-performances that make us all remember what a dominant basketball player he use to be. And speaking of shooting guards from Marquette, how about Wesley Matthews? If I gave you a choice between building around Matthews, Jimmy Butler or Kawhi Leonard who would you choose? (Answer: Butler)

Charlotte Hornets @ Toronto Raptors (7:30 PM)

The fact that the Raptors continue on this run of remarkable basketball without their second best player DeMar DeRozan is a testament to the depth of their roster especially key role players like Lou Williams and Greivis Vasquez, the latter being my favorite University of Maryland basketball player since Juan Dixon and before that Exree Hipp.

The Hornets beat the Pelicans last night thanks to 31 points, including the game winner, from Kemba Walker while backcourt mate Lance Stephenson sits out while recovering from a pelvic sprain which if I’m not mistaken is also a common injury for couples attempting to get pregnant.

2 Baby Bottles (in between burps)

Houston Rockets @ New York Knicks (8:00 PM)

Knicks fans need to stop hating on reserve center Cole Aldrich, who is admittedly not the world’s greatest athlete, and start giving the stiff some credit for at least trying. I’m sure Knicks fans would rather their team win a game instead of lose 13 in a row but it still must be refreshing to watch players who are actually giving their best effort as opposed to a bunch of overpaid bums who look like they don’t give a crap.

Which reminds me, how long before this J.R. Smith in Cleveland experiment blows up all over Lake Erie?

1 Baby Bottle (only during an emergency diaper change)

No Games