View My Seats

At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

Photo Credit for Header: Alex Foucre-Stimes

Plodding the Previews: X-Men: First Class

by

Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also attempt to connect the movie to a current sports story.

X-Men: First Class.

In the beginning…

I won’t claim to know the first thing about the comic book genealogy of either Professor Xavier, Magneto, or any other X-Men/X-Women. I come into First Class completely ignorant and blissfully unaware of what is “supposed” to happen. Therefore trust my impartiality and enjoy the honesty which is about to ensue. (Check out the X-Men: First Class preview here.)

And now, for a second by second recap

:15 sec mark – James McAvoy is Professor X but at this point we can call him “Charles”. Frankly, I question the choice of actor. McAvoy looks nothing like a young Patrick Stewart. Furthermore, he doesn’t come close to possessing nearly the same gravitas as the former captain of the USS Enterprise. McAvoy should stick to 19th century English period dramas where he falls in love with an married aristocratic woman played by either Keira Knightley or Angelina Jolie.

:20 – Lt. Archie Hickox will be playing Magneto. Michael Fassbender* was sort of a non entity until his star turning role in Inglorious Basterds. Two great scenes from Tarantino’s most original film since Pulp Fiction: 1) The opening sequence in the farm house. Christoph Waltz may have danced away with the Best Supporting Actor Oscar right there. Thanks to this scene I no longer accept Nazi interrogators looking for a glass of fresh milk into our house. 2) The shootout in the bar. Who knew Germans had a different way of signaling for “three”. I’ll be much more careful next time I grab a few steins at the Hofbrauhaus.

*I resisted the urge to look up “fassbender” on urban dictionary for fear it doesn’t mean what I had envisioned. In my mind, “fassbender”, pronounced “phaust – beendur” is a Bavarian boomerang used by Indiana Jones as he stole the Ark of the Covenant from the Nazis for the 3rd time.

1:12 – Is that the girl from Winter’s Bone? Is she naked? Wait, why is she turning blue? There are going to be a lot of disappointed fan boys out there if every time Jennifer Lawrence comes close to getting naked she goes all “rogue” on us and turns into some sort of scaly blue mutant. On second thought, probably not the best idea to try and play armchair psychologist to the millions of 35 year old men still living in their parents basement. For all we know, Rogue is like their version of Bar Refaeli.

1:20 – Whoa, Kevin Bacon! Playing either a politician or an evil industrialist. I figured he was done with major motion pictures after his star turning role in those Logitech ads.

1:23- Holy Cuban Missile Crisis! SPOILER ALERT!!! My prediction, it wasn’t RFK and the naval blockade that preserved peace after those Thirteen Days in October of 1962 but rather Magneto and his mutant ability to prevent nuclear weapons from detonating. I feel so misled. Here I was, for all these years, believing that Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev experienced an 11th hour change of heart and called off the Russia warships headed to Cuba when really the planet was saved by a Holocaust survivor with giant magnets for hands.

1:35 – Seeds of future animosity are brewing between best friends Charles and Eric. I think I know where this one is headed. Charles understands the positive impact the mutant race can have on human civilization and decides to build a school in upstate New York where younger mutants can come and learn how to channel their considerable powers and use them for the better good while Eric starts to brood and lose himself in self loathing. This can only lead to one thing…..the end of a friendship and the world!!!!

2:20 – Magneto and his helmet/cape combo are revealed along with this pivotal piece of dialogue:

Chuck X: “Listen my friend, killing will not bring you peace.”

Magnet Man: “Peace was never an option.”

Ohhhh, it is so on! This melodrama is followed by some Soviet rockets being fired from an aircraft carrier as still not evil Magneto stands in the middle of the Bay of Pigs with the fate of the world resting in his soon to be sinister hands. But, is he really evil or just misunderstood? I’m guessing there’s some ambiguity to the conclusion.

What does this all mean?

Since X-Men: First Class is a prequel we all pretty much know where the story is headed. But, I’ll give the film credit for an interesting cast and for adding an element of Cold War history. I just hope rising high school juniors don’t take this movie literally and head back to school in the fall believing that Magneto and Professor Xavier brought about the end of the Cold War. I don’t think our country could ever recover.

Connect the Dots

Look no further than Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat. Both Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James have played like mutants these past few weeks. Will LBJ’s Magneto outlast Dirk’s Professor X? Probably would have been just as easy for me to call Dirk Magneto and Lebron Professor X but I’m facing a tremendous amount of pressure from the city of Cleveland to leave it as is. As far as predictions go, Mavs in 6. Nowitzki wins his first NBA championship and Germany celebrates by giving him his very own “phaust-beendur”.

Boogie Nights and the Return of the Elbow Jumper

by

I hope all you young basketball players out there are taking a good long look at Dirk Nowitzki’s performance in the Western Conference Finals. Do you see where he is taking and making the majority of his shots? Right from the free throw line. He essentially has one move that cannot be stopped regardless of who is guarding him. I’m pretty sure OKC has tried to stop Dirk with a combination of Kevin Durant, Serge Ibaka, and T. Boone Pickens. Back to the basket, turn and face w/defender giving no space, and drain a 15ft jump shot off of one foot. Cannot be stopped.

Hopefully Dirk’s performance is providing incentive for all young hoopsters out there who bypass the elbow jumpshot for the much sexier “triple” that it pays to work on your mid range game. Most young, and old, players gravitate towards the 3pt line where the the hand gestures are much cooler but the FG% is much, much lower.

Nowitzki is bringing the elbow jumper back in style and riding it all the way to the NBA Finals where a potential rematch w/ Dwyane Wade and Miami Heat is looming. Can we also agree that Kevin Durant and the OKC Thunder, much like D Rose and the Chicago Bulls, may be one year away from winning a championship. Durant and Russell Westbrook need to spend a good, long summer together at sleepaway camp where they can reconnect and reestablish the friendship that has made the Thunder roll in the past.

view from OKC courtesy of @photocorry

Beware of Falling Ping Pong Balls

by

I remember reading “The Lottery”, a short story by Shirley Jackson, in high school and thinking: “man, those small town folk sure do have a morbid way of maintaining a sustainable population”. For those unfamiliar with the story, the basic premise is that a small village draws straws to see who “wins” the opportunity to be stoned to death by their neighbors. The ritual was established as a mystical way of ensuring a bountiful harvest for the following year.* It’s the kind of haunting story you wish Alfred Hitchcock could have turned into a major motion picture starring Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak.

*What’s wrong with a little sun and water you say? Fictional small town folk really do think up the craziest things.

How does Shirley Jackson’s tale compare to the NBA draft lottery held Tuesday night in the small village of Secaucus, NJ? It doesn’t. Not at all. In fact the only thing still decomposing in the Meadowlands are Jimmy Hoffa’s remains. Or perhaps David Kahn’s career as Minnesota Timberwolves general manager.

I’m happy that the Cleveland Cavaliers landed the #1 and #4 picks (Los Angeles Clippers what were you thinking?????). Maybe Kyrie Irving and some other frontline player – probably an unknown Euro 7 footer who is a cross between the next Dirk Nowitzki and Darko Milicic – will team up to help heal the city of Cleveland’s last remaining scars after Lebron’s “Decision”.

Overall, the NBA draft isn’t what it used to be because, in general, basketball players don’t stay in college long enough to build a little brand recognition with the average fan. Consequently, you have a bunch of kids entering the draft who very few people know or care about.

Of course, the NBA could switch things up a bit and model their lottery after the Shirley Jackson’s short story. Imagine a scenario where instead of receiving the 14th pick in the upcoming draft the last lottery team is relegated to the NBA Development League. Not to equate life in the D-League to being stoned to death by a group of innocent children but I think you get the point.

view from American Airlines Arena courtesy of @everyoneluvray

If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands

by

Spoiler Alert!!!! I’m about to go all old man rant on you. Continue reading if you have ever sat on a porch just waiting for a chance to yell at the neighborhood kids to keep their voices down while you finish your Sudoku.

————–

You know what really is starting to grind my gears about these NBA playoffs? The incessant hand slapping after free throws. Not only is it a time consuming proposition but it also seems to occur irregardless of whether or not the shot goes in. Last night after Joakim Noah shot a free throw he immediately received a cavalcade of congratulatory handshakes from teammates like Carlos Boozer and Luol Deng. I’m pretty sure one of the referees got in there for a butt slap as well. The way people were celebrating it was as if Joakim was running for public office.

And here’s the kicker, Noah missed that free throw by a good 10 inches. Sooooo, what are you celebrating exactly? I don’t mean to make this just about the Chicago Bulls because free throw hand slapping is everywhere in these playoffs and pretty soon it’s going to force me to watch something else like – gulp – the NHL Playoffs. (If only I could find Versus….)

E.K.G.A.T. Every Kid Gets A Trophy. E.K.G.A.T. It’s 50% of what’s wrong with organized sports and athletes in America today. (The other 50% are the parents who live vicariously through their kids. To steal a phrase from Charles Barkley, those folks are “turrible”.) The idea that young athletes are told how great they are, regardless of performance, rewards mediocrity and builds a damaging false sense of entitlement. Consequently we are developing a nation of young people who are unable to cope with stress or manage failure and who also grow up expecting instant gratification for simply doing their job. I see it every day in the workplace where more and more recent college graduates simply cannot function unless their performance is constantly being validated.

We must get back to learning to live with failure. Learning from mistakes, both physical and mental, is a crucial step in the development of personal and professional resiliency. If you’re looking to blame someone for the fragile mental state of our young athletes, blame Joakim Noah, he of the 10 second post free throw handshake routine.

————

Enough old man ranting for today. Tomorrow I’ll be back to talk about cell phones and those darn pop musicians who wear their pants too low.

view from the Staples Center courtesy of @RJWilliams