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At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

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Plodding the Previews: X-Men: First Class

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Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also attempt to connect the movie to a current sports story.

X-Men: First Class.

In the beginning…

I won’t claim to know the first thing about the comic book genealogy of either Professor Xavier, Magneto, or any other X-Men/X-Women. I come into First Class completely ignorant and blissfully unaware of what is “supposed” to happen. Therefore trust my impartiality and enjoy the honesty which is about to ensue. (Check out the X-Men: First Class preview here.)

And now, for a second by second recap

:15 sec mark – James McAvoy is Professor X but at this point we can call him “Charles”. Frankly, I question the choice of actor. McAvoy looks nothing like a young Patrick Stewart. Furthermore, he doesn’t come close to possessing nearly the same gravitas as the former captain of the USS Enterprise. McAvoy should stick to 19th century English period dramas where he falls in love with an married aristocratic woman played by either Keira Knightley or Angelina Jolie.

:20 – Lt. Archie Hickox will be playing Magneto. Michael Fassbender* was sort of a non entity until his star turning role in Inglorious Basterds. Two great scenes from Tarantino’s most original film since Pulp Fiction: 1) The opening sequence in the farm house. Christoph Waltz may have danced away with the Best Supporting Actor Oscar right there. Thanks to this scene I no longer accept Nazi interrogators looking for a glass of fresh milk into our house. 2) The shootout in the bar. Who knew Germans had a different way of signaling for “three”. I’ll be much more careful next time I grab a few steins at the Hofbrauhaus.

*I resisted the urge to look up “fassbender” on urban dictionary for fear it doesn’t mean what I had envisioned. In my mind, “fassbender”, pronounced “phaust – beendur” is a Bavarian boomerang used by Indiana Jones as he stole the Ark of the Covenant from the Nazis for the 3rd time.

1:12 – Is that the girl from Winter’s Bone? Is she naked? Wait, why is she turning blue? There are going to be a lot of disappointed fan boys out there if every time Jennifer Lawrence comes close to getting naked she goes all “rogue” on us and turns into some sort of scaly blue mutant. On second thought, probably not the best idea to try and play armchair psychologist to the millions of 35 year old men still living in their parents basement. For all we know, Rogue is like their version of Bar Refaeli.

1:20 – Whoa, Kevin Bacon! Playing either a politician or an evil industrialist. I figured he was done with major motion pictures after his star turning role in those Logitech ads.

1:23- Holy Cuban Missile Crisis! SPOILER ALERT!!! My prediction, it wasn’t RFK and the naval blockade that preserved peace after those Thirteen Days in October of 1962 but rather Magneto and his mutant ability to prevent nuclear weapons from detonating. I feel so misled. Here I was, for all these years, believing that Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev experienced an 11th hour change of heart and called off the Russia warships headed to Cuba when really the planet was saved by a Holocaust survivor with giant magnets for hands.

1:35 – Seeds of future animosity are brewing between best friends Charles and Eric. I think I know where this one is headed. Charles understands the positive impact the mutant race can have on human civilization and decides to build a school in upstate New York where younger mutants can come and learn how to channel their considerable powers and use them for the better good while Eric starts to brood and lose himself in self loathing. This can only lead to one thing…..the end of a friendship and the world!!!!

2:20 – Magneto and his helmet/cape combo are revealed along with this pivotal piece of dialogue:

Chuck X: “Listen my friend, killing will not bring you peace.”

Magnet Man: “Peace was never an option.”

Ohhhh, it is so on! This melodrama is followed by some Soviet rockets being fired from an aircraft carrier as still not evil Magneto stands in the middle of the Bay of Pigs with the fate of the world resting in his soon to be sinister hands. But, is he really evil or just misunderstood? I’m guessing there’s some ambiguity to the conclusion.

What does this all mean?

Since X-Men: First Class is a prequel we all pretty much know where the story is headed. But, I’ll give the film credit for an interesting cast and for adding an element of Cold War history. I just hope rising high school juniors don’t take this movie literally and head back to school in the fall believing that Magneto and Professor Xavier brought about the end of the Cold War. I don’t think our country could ever recover.

Connect the Dots

Look no further than Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat. Both Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James have played like mutants these past few weeks. Will LBJ’s Magneto outlast Dirk’s Professor X? Probably would have been just as easy for me to call Dirk Magneto and Lebron Professor X but I’m facing a tremendous amount of pressure from the city of Cleveland to leave it as is. As far as predictions go, Mavs in 6. Nowitzki wins his first NBA championship and Germany celebrates by giving him his very own “phaust-beendur”.

The Tree of Life Will Make Your Memorial Day Weekend Much More Complex, Cosmic

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Trick question: there is no correct answer. As Terrence Malick would undoubtedly say, you must be comfortable living with ambiguity.* My dad bought us a beautiful Weber gas grill for our wedding a few years ago and we love the convenience/utility. Gas grills even make BBQing in the middle of a snow squall possible.

As for the flavor, a predictable defense of charcoal lovers, I don’t see anything wrong with a mild propane aftertaste. I usually mask the natural gas flavor with a few generous ounces of Frank’s Red Hot anyway so for a few less carcinogens I’m all on board the propane train.

In regards to the Heat closing out their series with the Bulls last night in Chicago, I’m disappointed but not surprised. My Windy City friends have already started to rationalize last night’s loss. To them, the Bulls were a year away anyway and won’t contend for a championship until they find another consistent perimeter scorer who can also defend. Free agent targets will include Jamal Crawford, JR Smith, or Jason Richardson. That is of course if we even have free agency this summer which. with the looming labor situation, is looking more and more unlikely.

*Here’s what bothers me about Malick’s latest “masterpiece”.  Critics are telling me that the film is supposed to be some sort of cosmic allegory for human existence with a dash of Oedipus on the side. My “artsy” friends are saying I shouldn’t even bother seeing the film because I probably wouldn’t understand the complexity or magnitude Malick’s semi-autobiographical opus anyway. Frankly, I don’t get what all the hoopla is all about. To be honest, I feel that I could have told you everything you needed to know about the movie after watching the preview. Maybe I’ll reserve final judgment until I actually see The Tree of Life but I shall remain skeptical for the time being.

view from the United Center courtesy of @LukeKosk

Wednesday Worries: White Out Edition

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I worry that….

the American Airlines Arena “white out” is leading to partial blindness in my left eye. It borders on seizure inducing. The creepiest part of this concept are the white sheets which they drape over the vacant courtside seats, giving the arena the appearance of being a cheaply designed champagne room in Reno, NV.

I have chest hair like Carlos Boozer. And here I was thinking that it was just a coincidence that I was always picked to be on the “shirts” team.

I run like Joey Crawford. Referee looks like a bald baby Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Derrick Rose is going to end up in a full body cast. He goes HARD to the basket every time he has the basketball – well if you don’t count the final two possessions of regulation last night. I’m just waiting for an inadvertent Joel Anthony elbow to end DRose’s series prematurely.

there is no correct way to pronounce the name “Joakim” and that I have never pronounced his name the same way twice.

Lebron James and Dwyane Wade are clearly the two best all around basketball players in this series. If this is the case, tough for the Bulls to come back from a 3-1 deficit which leads me to my next worry…

the Heat will go on to win 3 of the next 4 NBA Championships and James and Wade will go down as one of the most successful duos in basketball history right alongside…Kareem/Magic, Jordan/Pippen, and Sidney Deane/Billy Hoyle.

view from American Airlines Arena courtesy of @carmendefalco

 

Lil Jon Wants Miami to Fan Up

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All hail the wonderful world of twitter!!! Only there can we experience game 5 of Heat/Celtics through the eyes of Crunk Rock impresario Lil Jon.* My only question for Mr. Jon, as part of the “fan up” initiative in Miami, did an American Airlines Arena staffer force you to wear white or was it a personal choice? Either way, the same color t shirt gimmick has officially been played out. I can deal with the white “noise” at Heat games but the light blue/aqua in Oklahoma City is enough to burn a massive hole in my retina.

*Yes dad, believe it or not, crunk rock is an actual musical genre. At least that’s what Wikipedia told me.

Perhaps the best news for the finely aged Boston Celtics, and the worst for Lebron and his amazing 4th quarter performance, is that now the “Tiger Woods withdrawing after 9 holes at the Players Championship” story will dominate national headlines until the magnitude of his latest apparent injury is revealed. At this point, how many of us still believe Tiger will ever regain the form to challenge Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 majors?

view from American Airlines Arena courtesy of @LilJon

Maurice Podoloff and the 2011 Academy Awards (Part II)

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5: Toy Story 3/Amar’e Stoudemire (F, New York Knicks) – With every new Toy Story movie, it feels like a little piece of my childhood fades away.  I can remember when Andy first came home with Buzz Lightyear and now he’s (Andy not Buzz) headed off to college? College is no place for a guy who still plays with his childhood toys. This will lead to years worth of ridicule and stunted mental development. Andy has “clock tower” potential written all over him. It’s all too much for me to take right now.

Speaking of too much to take right now, how about the minutes Mike D’Antoni has Amar’e playing? It’s only a matter of time before both of his knees spontaneously combust. The addition of Carmelo gives fans something more to cheer about but does not mean the Knicks are ready to compete for a championship. The Garden is going to have to wait for 2012 and Chris Paul for that.

4: The Fighter/Dirk Nowitzki (F, Dallas Mavericks) – In between my junior and senior years of college, I spent an entire summer working and playing baseball in Lowell, Massachusetts. It was just like the movie Summer Catch, except there were no Cape Cod beaches and I never did get to see Jessica Biel in a bikini. The general manager of our baseball team, a great old guy who ran a heating/air conditioning business downtown, told us before the first day of practice that it was important for us to avoid Lowell at night.  As I watched The Fighter, I couldn’t help but think about college kids being terrorized on the mean streets of the Mill City by the likes of Christian Bale.

Nowitzki fourth on my list is more a testament to the success of the Mavs than Dirk himself.  He’s struggled to return to form since an early season knee injury but as the most talented player on a very dangerous western conference team, he deserves at least a mentioning.

3: True Grit/Kevin Durant (F, Oklahoma City Thunder) – My main issue with this Coen Brothers iteration of a John Wayne classic is that Jeff Bridges makes his Rooster Cogburn sound eerily similar to Billy Bob Thornton’s character in Sling Blade. It was so distracting that at one point I could have sworn Bridges asked the erstwhile Hailee Steinfeld whether or not she would like some “French fried potaters”. My other issue with True Grit was that Josh Brolin received top billing for a total of 4 minutes 32 seconds of actual screen time.  How is this allowed?  This is Hollywood stat stuffing akin to baseball home run records and Tammany Hall elections.

It’s only a matter of time before KD wins an MVP award. Probably won’t happen this year, unless the Thunder move up a few spots in the western conference before the playoffs, but he has the flashy offensive game and gaudy statistics to at least put him in the conversation.  Another factor that could stand in his way of an MVP award is the emergence of Russell Westbrook. Baseline to baseline, Westbrook might be the quickest player in the NBA.

2: The Social Network/ (tie) Lebron James & Dwyane Wade – Impossible for me to choose between the two Heat superstars.  Both are playing at an unbelievably high levels and their individual games seem to compliment each others much better than anticipated. I still don’t think Miami will compete for a NBA championship this season, not enough of an inside presence/defense, but I do expect this core to rattle off 2 or 3 titles in a row sometime in the near future.

The future is now for Facebook. Human culture and the way we communicate will never be the same – see Egypt, Tunisia, Libya, etc. The Social Network was a brilliantly scripted movie. My main issue with the film is that none of the main characters were likable. Couldn’t root for anyone of them, especially the Winklevoss twins. Have you ever seen those two in real life? Frightening looking mutants. Some rogue foreign dictator should develop a clone Winklevoss army.  They would instantly become the top threat to global security in the 21st century.

1: The King’s Speech/Derrick Rose (G, Chicago Bulls) – I find myself gravitating towards this entire Bulls team. They play hard, great team defense, and a have a likable/brash group of young all star caliber players (Noah, Rose, and Gibson). D-Rose is the total package and has put this team in position to challenge the beasts of the east for a shot at the NBA Finals. One worry, his game is so aggressive/reckless that I feel he could seriously injury himself at any moment.  Same thing goes for Blake Griffin and Luke Harangody.

The King’s Speech is everyone’s pick to win the Oscar.  It was my favorite movie of 2011 and really what’s not to like? Who doesn’t enjoy the inspirational story of an underdog monarch overcoming personal obstacles to lead his country during a pivotal time in world history? I am also calling Colin Firth for Best Actor, Christian Bale/Hailee Steinfeld for Supporting, Natalie Portman for Best Actress, and David Fincher for Director. Agree to disagree.

view from the United Center courtesy of @ShwanGan