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At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

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Plodding the Previews: X-Men: First Class

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Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also attempt to connect the movie to a current sports story.

X-Men: First Class.

In the beginning…

I won’t claim to know the first thing about the comic book genealogy of either Professor Xavier, Magneto, or any other X-Men/X-Women. I come into First Class completely ignorant and blissfully unaware of what is “supposed” to happen. Therefore trust my impartiality and enjoy the honesty which is about to ensue. (Check out the X-Men: First Class preview here.)

And now, for a second by second recap

:15 sec mark – James McAvoy is Professor X but at this point we can call him “Charles”. Frankly, I question the choice of actor. McAvoy looks nothing like a young Patrick Stewart. Furthermore, he doesn’t come close to possessing nearly the same gravitas as the former captain of the USS Enterprise. McAvoy should stick to 19th century English period dramas where he falls in love with an married aristocratic woman played by either Keira Knightley or Angelina Jolie.

:20 – Lt. Archie Hickox will be playing Magneto. Michael Fassbender* was sort of a non entity until his star turning role in Inglorious Basterds. Two great scenes from Tarantino’s most original film since Pulp Fiction: 1) The opening sequence in the farm house. Christoph Waltz may have danced away with the Best Supporting Actor Oscar right there. Thanks to this scene I no longer accept Nazi interrogators looking for a glass of fresh milk into our house. 2) The shootout in the bar. Who knew Germans had a different way of signaling for “three”. I’ll be much more careful next time I grab a few steins at the Hofbrauhaus.

*I resisted the urge to look up “fassbender” on urban dictionary for fear it doesn’t mean what I had envisioned. In my mind, “fassbender”, pronounced “phaust – beendur” is a Bavarian boomerang used by Indiana Jones as he stole the Ark of the Covenant from the Nazis for the 3rd time.

1:12 – Is that the girl from Winter’s Bone? Is she naked? Wait, why is she turning blue? There are going to be a lot of disappointed fan boys out there if every time Jennifer Lawrence comes close to getting naked she goes all “rogue” on us and turns into some sort of scaly blue mutant. On second thought, probably not the best idea to try and play armchair psychologist to the millions of 35 year old men still living in their parents basement. For all we know, Rogue is like their version of Bar Refaeli.

1:20 – Whoa, Kevin Bacon! Playing either a politician or an evil industrialist. I figured he was done with major motion pictures after his star turning role in those Logitech ads.

1:23- Holy Cuban Missile Crisis! SPOILER ALERT!!! My prediction, it wasn’t RFK and the naval blockade that preserved peace after those Thirteen Days in October of 1962 but rather Magneto and his mutant ability to prevent nuclear weapons from detonating. I feel so misled. Here I was, for all these years, believing that Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev experienced an 11th hour change of heart and called off the Russia warships headed to Cuba when really the planet was saved by a Holocaust survivor with giant magnets for hands.

1:35 – Seeds of future animosity are brewing between best friends Charles and Eric. I think I know where this one is headed. Charles understands the positive impact the mutant race can have on human civilization and decides to build a school in upstate New York where younger mutants can come and learn how to channel their considerable powers and use them for the better good while Eric starts to brood and lose himself in self loathing. This can only lead to one thing…..the end of a friendship and the world!!!!

2:20 – Magneto and his helmet/cape combo are revealed along with this pivotal piece of dialogue:

Chuck X: “Listen my friend, killing will not bring you peace.”

Magnet Man: “Peace was never an option.”

Ohhhh, it is so on! This melodrama is followed by some Soviet rockets being fired from an aircraft carrier as still not evil Magneto stands in the middle of the Bay of Pigs with the fate of the world resting in his soon to be sinister hands. But, is he really evil or just misunderstood? I’m guessing there’s some ambiguity to the conclusion.

What does this all mean?

Since X-Men: First Class is a prequel we all pretty much know where the story is headed. But, I’ll give the film credit for an interesting cast and for adding an element of Cold War history. I just hope rising high school juniors don’t take this movie literally and head back to school in the fall believing that Magneto and Professor Xavier brought about the end of the Cold War. I don’t think our country could ever recover.

Connect the Dots

Look no further than Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat. Both Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James have played like mutants these past few weeks. Will LBJ’s Magneto outlast Dirk’s Professor X? Probably would have been just as easy for me to call Dirk Magneto and Lebron Professor X but I’m facing a tremendous amount of pressure from the city of Cleveland to leave it as is. As far as predictions go, Mavs in 6. Nowitzki wins his first NBA championship and Germany celebrates by giving him his very own “phaust-beendur”.

Wednesday Worries: White Out Edition

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I worry that….

the American Airlines Arena “white out” is leading to partial blindness in my left eye. It borders on seizure inducing. The creepiest part of this concept are the white sheets which they drape over the vacant courtside seats, giving the arena the appearance of being a cheaply designed champagne room in Reno, NV.

I have chest hair like Carlos Boozer. And here I was thinking that it was just a coincidence that I was always picked to be on the “shirts” team.

I run like Joey Crawford. Referee looks like a bald baby Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Derrick Rose is going to end up in a full body cast. He goes HARD to the basket every time he has the basketball – well if you don’t count the final two possessions of regulation last night. I’m just waiting for an inadvertent Joel Anthony elbow to end DRose’s series prematurely.

there is no correct way to pronounce the name “Joakim” and that I have never pronounced his name the same way twice.

Lebron James and Dwyane Wade are clearly the two best all around basketball players in this series. If this is the case, tough for the Bulls to come back from a 3-1 deficit which leads me to my next worry…

the Heat will go on to win 3 of the next 4 NBA Championships and James and Wade will go down as one of the most successful duos in basketball history right alongside…Kareem/Magic, Jordan/Pippen, and Sidney Deane/Billy Hoyle.

view from American Airlines Arena courtesy of @carmendefalco

 

Beware of Falling Ping Pong Balls

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I remember reading “The Lottery”, a short story by Shirley Jackson, in high school and thinking: “man, those small town folk sure do have a morbid way of maintaining a sustainable population”. For those unfamiliar with the story, the basic premise is that a small village draws straws to see who “wins” the opportunity to be stoned to death by their neighbors. The ritual was established as a mystical way of ensuring a bountiful harvest for the following year.* It’s the kind of haunting story you wish Alfred Hitchcock could have turned into a major motion picture starring Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak.

*What’s wrong with a little sun and water you say? Fictional small town folk really do think up the craziest things.

How does Shirley Jackson’s tale compare to the NBA draft lottery held Tuesday night in the small village of Secaucus, NJ? It doesn’t. Not at all. In fact the only thing still decomposing in the Meadowlands are Jimmy Hoffa’s remains. Or perhaps David Kahn’s career as Minnesota Timberwolves general manager.

I’m happy that the Cleveland Cavaliers landed the #1 and #4 picks (Los Angeles Clippers what were you thinking?????). Maybe Kyrie Irving and some other frontline player – probably an unknown Euro 7 footer who is a cross between the next Dirk Nowitzki and Darko Milicic – will team up to help heal the city of Cleveland’s last remaining scars after Lebron’s “Decision”.

Overall, the NBA draft isn’t what it used to be because, in general, basketball players don’t stay in college long enough to build a little brand recognition with the average fan. Consequently, you have a bunch of kids entering the draft who very few people know or care about.

Of course, the NBA could switch things up a bit and model their lottery after the Shirley Jackson’s short story. Imagine a scenario where instead of receiving the 14th pick in the upcoming draft the last lottery team is relegated to the NBA Development League. Not to equate life in the D-League to being stoned to death by a group of innocent children but I think you get the point.

view from American Airlines Arena courtesy of @everyoneluvray

Lil Jon Wants Miami to Fan Up

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All hail the wonderful world of twitter!!! Only there can we experience game 5 of Heat/Celtics through the eyes of Crunk Rock impresario Lil Jon.* My only question for Mr. Jon, as part of the “fan up” initiative in Miami, did an American Airlines Arena staffer force you to wear white or was it a personal choice? Either way, the same color t shirt gimmick has officially been played out. I can deal with the white “noise” at Heat games but the light blue/aqua in Oklahoma City is enough to burn a massive hole in my retina.

*Yes dad, believe it or not, crunk rock is an actual musical genre. At least that’s what Wikipedia told me.

Perhaps the best news for the finely aged Boston Celtics, and the worst for Lebron and his amazing 4th quarter performance, is that now the “Tiger Woods withdrawing after 9 holes at the Players Championship” story will dominate national headlines until the magnitude of his latest apparent injury is revealed. At this point, how many of us still believe Tiger will ever regain the form to challenge Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 majors?

view from American Airlines Arena courtesy of @LilJon

View of the Day: November 17, 2010

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This photo was taken roughly 10 minutes prior to tipoff at American Airlines Arena before last night’s Miami Heat 123-96 victory over the Phoenix Suns. And where are all the people?  I can remember Miami having attendance issues last season, when they were a mediocre team at best, but this year?  With the three biggest off-season free agent acquisitions (Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh) I figured Miami fans would be turning out early and often.  I watched parts of this game and can tell you that the arena did fill up eventually.  However, we are less than a month into the season and I figured fans would be a bit more present/vocal.

What accounts for the overall malaise in Miami? Part of the economic turndown or are fans, like the Heat players themselves, just waiting for the playoffs to give it their best?  Share your views.