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At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

Photo Credit for Header: Alex Foucre-Stimes

Just in Case the Whole NFL Career Thing Doesn’t Work Out

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Should the lockout continue into the regular season, here are a few alternative careers for each of the top ten picks in the 2011 NFL Draft

1. Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton, QB Auburn

NCAA Compliance Officer; Indianapolis, Indiana – So he can right all the wrongs the next time a father asks for 250K to rebuild a church.

2. Denver Broncos – Von Miller, LB Texas A&M

Optometrist; Dallas, Texas – So he can finally put an end to all the Marcus Dupree comparisons.

3. Buffalo Bills – Marcel Dareus, DT Alabama

Venture Capitalist; Toronto, Ontario – Because everything in Buffalo is eventually moving to Toronto anyway.

4. Cincinnati Bengals – A.J. Green, WR Georgia

Reality TV Star; Cincinnati, Ohio – Because Terrell Owens probably isn’t coming back to Cincy and Ochocinco has to be looking for a new wing man/carnival barker.

5. Arizona Cardinals – Patrick Peterson, CB LSU

Athletic Director; Shreveport, Louisiana –  It does say on the LSU website that he majored in “Sports Administration”.

6. Atlanta Falcons – Julio Jones, WR Alabama

Stunt Double; Hollywood – Just recently hired as a stand in for the upcoming Predator sequel.

7. San Francisco 49ers – Aldon Smith, DE Missouri

Grocery Store Manager; Provo, Utah – Oh sorry, I confused Aldon for Alex Smith.

8. Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker, QB Washington

Minor league baseball player; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes – Because accuracy issues are much easier to iron out in the Pacific Coast League.

9. Dallas Cowboys – Tyron Smith, OT USC

Golf Caddy; Kohler, Wisconsin – For the next time Tony Romo tries to qualify for the US Open..

10. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blaine Gabbert, QB Missouri

NHL Analyst on Versus – He really does look just like Jeremy Roenick.

view from Radio City courtesy of @1PrettyNupe

Under Armour Defeats Nike. Declared BCS Champ.

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For starters, let me thank the NCAA, ESPN, and Tostitos for ruining any chance I had at maintaining a reasonable sleep cycle this week.  That 6am alarm came awfully early this morning.

Now to the game. The upset of the night didn’t take place on the slick grass field of University of Phoenix Stadium.  In fact, few people are surprised Auburn defeated Oregon 22-19 on a last second field goal.  No. The most shocking, unexpected, unpredictable event from the BCS Championship Game was that the Oregon cheerleaders received twice as much air time as their Tiger counterparts.  The ESPN cameras were seemingly fixated on the “Women of Eugene”. My wife was actually the first to catch this “inequality” and went on to say that it was probably because they were wearing “skimpier uniforms”. Whatever the reason, last night the PAC 10 was greater than the SEC in at least one regard.

About that “slick” field.  With the number of times players lost their footing I think it’s safe to say that last night was the final time the BCS will be growing their grass in the state of Oregon.  In the future, any other state will do. Try Vermont, great turf up there.

I made this joke last night, but doesn’t Gene Chizik remind you of a personal trainer? He seems like the sort of man who has over 100 exercises to help you strengthen your core. I also liked how he kept saying “War Eagle” over and over again during his postgame interview.  “War Eagle” has now become my favorite way of answering a question I don’t understand:

Colleague: What sort of information do we include in our TPS reports?

Me: War Eagle.

Colleague: But, aren’t we supposed to be using new cover sheets?

Me: War Eagle.

Hope everyone else enjoyed their BCS experience and that in 3 years Auburn isn’t forced to return their national championship trophy due to major “rules infractions”.

view of University of Phoenix Stadium courtesy of @randallbartlett

Winter Storm Grounds War Eagle

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The Big Game is finally here, so get your corn chips and salsa ready because the College Football playoffs end tonight! (Whoops. Sorry about that. It’s been so long since a CFB game mattered that I just totally forgot there isn’t actually a playoff system. My bad.)

The Auburn Tigers and Oregon Ducks have somehow managed to crack the “Members Only Club” that has, up to now, seemed to only feature the USCs, Floridas, and Ohio States of the world.  Oregon and Auburn will be only the 13th and 14th teams to vie for college football’s national championship when they kick off at the University of Phoenix Stadium tonight.

Much of the protracted pre-game talk has swirled around Auburn’s Heisman-winning behemoth of a quarterback, Cam Newton. (Newton is like a strange cross between Herschel Walker and Ben Roethlisberger minus the whole multiple personality/sexual misconduct thing.)  He has morphed from a ballyhooed junior college (after a brief stop at Florida) signing to an unstoppable, dual-threat, dixie legend. On the other side of the ball is senior DT Nick Fairley, a prodigious talent in his own right.  Recently maligned for some of his questionable tactics in the trenches, Fairley is widely considered the best run stopper in the nation.

On the Nike side of the ball, Oregon sophomore RB LaMichael James, who watched as the door was opened for him last season when then starting RB LeGarrette Blount punched a Boise State player in the face, has swooshed onto the scene this season.  Feet like Barry Sanders and breakaway speed like Chris Johnson, James is the embodiment of the Ducks’ Green Flash offensive attack. If you’re searching for a wild card who might change the game, look no further than Oregon specialists Cliff Harris and Kenjon Barner, who, together create the kind of open field terror that has been haunting Tom Coughlin’s dreams for the past month.

The game itself is being billed as one of the toughest tickets in the history of modern sports, what with two proud schools that travel well, even to the point that StubHub had to shut down resales on its website multiple times this past week because of demand.

In a close contest, with slightly more big game experience, a better coach, and excellent special-teamers, the mighty Ducks knock down the goalposts and hoist the “O”.  VMS Pick: Oregon 34 Auburn 31

view of the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl Courtesy of @jcard

Cotton Bowl Has Me Cross-Eyed

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Someone want to tell me why the Cotton Bowl isn’t a part of the BCS?  Does the Orange Bowl have a better tradition? No. Is Glendale a better destination than Dallas?  Didn’t think so? So what gives? Just one more thing I don’t understand about the current bowl system.

By the way, when you watch a game from Cowboy Stadium how can you not be distracted by that ENORMOUS television screen? It looks like an alien spacecraft hovering above the 50 yard line just waiting to attack its prey. If I were a player, I would be petrified that that thing was going to fall from the sky and crush every single one of us on the field. Probably one more reason why I never became a professional athlete.

view of the Cotton Bowl courtesy of @Chase_Cusack

NFL Playoff Picks: GoDaddy Please Go Away!

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Thankfully the NFL playoffs are upon us because I couldn’t take many more nights of the Under Armour High School All American Bowl.

SEATTLE (+10) over New Orleans: Strange things happen at Qwest Field (see Charlie Whitehurst leading team to division title last week). The home of the “12 Man” has a way of stirring the echoes of Seattle’s past.  When the great Walter Jones raises the flag before the game tomorrow, the crowd will respond and give their ‘hawks a distinct home field advantage.  New Orleans is the much better team, but they’re pretty banged up and 10 points is a lot of points for a road team to cover on the road in the playoffs.

New York Jets (+2.5) over INDIANAPOLIS: I fully expect the Jets to go into Indy and avenge their loss to the Colts in the 2010 AFC Championship game.  I watched some of Colts/Titans game last Sunday, a must win for Indy, and came away totally underwhelmed by the Colts.  Maybe if Peyton Manning hadn’t tried to kill Austin Collie a few weeks back I would feel better about the Colts chances Saturday evening. As a Patriot fan, getting rid of Indy, one of the two teams along with Baltimore who “matchup” well against New England, is just fine by me.

Baltimore (-3) over KANSAS CITY: Charlie Weis announcing that he’s leaving as the Chiefs OC to take over the same position for the Florida Gators next season has had an immediate impact on the way fans perceive the current situation in Kansas City.  How can his decision to leave NOT impact his ability to call plays? For all we know, during the game vs the Ravens Sunday afternoon he will be up in the booth diagramming screen option plays for the Gators big showdown with Alabama next fall (Roll Tide).

Green Bay (-2.5) over PHILADELPHIA: I swore I wasn’t going to be one of those people who jumped on the Packers late season bandwagon. But, Michael Vick is clearly hurt, and the Green Bay offense, led by the underrated(?) Aaron Rodgers, will put up a ton of points against an over-matched Philadelphia defense.  It’s also important to note that there is a chance of severe weather rolling through the northeast Friday night into Saturday which could very well cause Governor Ed Rendell to have an aneurysm as he reflects on all the pain and anguish that the Eagles/Vikings postponement caused him a few weeks back.

Share your views.

view of the GoDaddy.com Bowl courtesy of @bigdee163