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Matt Bonner Is The Most Interesting Man In The NBA Playoffs

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With the Western Conference Finals between the San Antonio Spurs and the Oklahoma City Thunder set to begin this Sunday night now seems like the perfect time to remind NBA fans about the one player that could possibly make the largest impact in this series. Kevin Durant you say? Try again. Tim Duncan? That old coot is still in the league? Russell Westbrook? Tony Parker? No thanks and no chance. Actually, the correct answer to this question was born and raised in the capital of New Hampshire, Concord’s own Matt Bonner. And before you runoff and dismiss this conclusion as a simple case of Granite State “homerism”, please take 5-10 minutes to consider the following analysis.

For starters, if you didn’t already know who Matt Bonner was, something surely no self respecting NBA fan would claim, he was in the news recently when a fellow redhead was suspended from a local San Antonio middle school after showing up for his first period French class with Bonner’s beautiful visage carved into the back of his head like he was some sort of Halloween pumpkin. It’s not just any ordinary NBA player that has the ability to inspire such peaceful civil disobedience. Whatever barber was responsible for such artistry deserves an incredible amount of credit and perhaps a full ride to RISD. This is the sort of follicle craftsmanship unmatched since the “U Can’t Touch This” heyday of MC Hammer.

And speaking of carrot-tops, with all due respect to Brian Scalabrine, Matt Bonner is the best player in the NBA with red hair. In fact, he may be the best basketball player of all time with red hair. (And no, Dennis Rodman does not count.) It’s actually quite difficult to think about another current athlete who has had as successful a professional career as Bonner. Not Andy Dalton and certainly not Greg McElroy.

With Bonner it’s also about the brains beneath the hair. He graduated from the University of Florida with a 3.98 GPA and was a 3 time Academic All-American and twice voted Academic All-American of the Year. Bonner is such a respected intellect/inspirational leader that he was elected by his peers to serve as one of the main reps for the NBA players union during the latest labor dispute. Check the video, Bonner was usually one of the first players seen lurking loyally behind Derek Fisher and Billy Hunter, he of the worst case of nepotism since Bill Belichick hired his son as an assistant coach for the Patriots.

This debate can all but be settled on the basketball court where Matt Bonner is the master craftsman of the 3 pointer, even though his shooting mechanics put him somewhere between the finger flicks of Shawn Marion and the slider spin of Joakim Noah. And so what if it looks like he learned how to shoot a basketball by practicing on one of those Fisher Price $24.99 specials suitable for kids 5 and under. Knock the style all you want but with Bonner the proof is in the porridge and over the last 5 or so years he has been one of the best 3 point shooters in the NBA. He led the league in 2010-11 making roughly 46% of his bombs from behind the arc and during this truncated regular season Bonner finished 15th in the league shooting a measly 42%. Just to give you some perspective, that’s better than both James Harden and Kevin Durant. Not too shabby for a guy from New Hampshire who looks like he learned how to shoot by watching Rade Butcher in Hoosiers.

And while it may be true that Bonner has become somewhat of a defensive liability due to his lack of lateral quickness you can’t really fault the guy. He is after all wearing New Balance basketball sneakers. As we all know New Balance has become the official shoe of antique furniture refurbishers from Brooklyn, Canadians, and fathers over the age of 55. When dads reach the appropriate age they are each sent a pair of white 622’s which they are then required to sport whenever walking through airports or amusement parks. And while Bonner’s NB’s are a bit more stylish than your dads, has there ever been a more perfect pitchman for the New England based shoe behometh than a 6’10” guy with red hair from New Hampshire?

The fact that Matt Bonner is occasionally lost in the San Antonio shuffle of a incredibly deep Spurs rotation is more a testament to the front office’s foresight in scouting out hidden global gems than it is his ability to contribute to the team. Bonner is such a classy team player that he doesn’t mind sharing the stage with valuable role players like Tiago Splitter, Gary Neal, DeJuan Blair, and Captain Jack. He doesn’t need to play more than 15 solid minutes a game to make a difference. For the Spurs, it’s all about running their offensive sets. Bonner is the master of the high pick and pop where Tony Parker rubs his defender off a screen and either takes the ball all the way to the basket or kicks it out to Bonner for a wide open 3 pt attempt. Bonner is also an excellent rebounder who has a nose for the long distance offensive putback. When it comes to understanding angles and geometry he might not be Kevin Love but he’s certainly gives the glass more effort than the always mercurial and mystifyingly talented Andrew Bynum.

The Oklahoma City Thunder have a very important decision to make other than what monochromatic color pattern they’re going to arm their rabid fans with. Head coach Scotty Brooks needs to figure out how they are going to guard Matt Bonner. Do the Thunder go big or small against the oversized three point assassin? Each strategy has its flaws. If you match up with a bigger more physical post player like a Kendrick Perkins or Serge Ibaka then you provide the “quicker” Bonner with much more room to operate around the 3pt line. You also keep the NBA’s best shot blocker Ibaka away from the front of the rim thus allowing slashers like Parker and Manu Ginobili to glide to the the basket unfettered and unmolested.

So the Thunder could decide to go small on Bonner putting a hybrid like Thabo Sefolosha, James Harden or Durant on him. Again, by matching up a guard on Bonner you have effectively created mismatches across the court. Who then is going to guard Ginobili? Or what about the uber athletic Kawhi Leonard who is becoming a devastating 3 point shooter in his own right?

Matt Bonner’s greatest asset to San Antonio is his ability to create mismatches on the offensive end of the court. Gregg Popovich and the Spurs have had to live with Bonner’s defensive liabilities before and they will not allow themselves to be cut to pieces when he guards the offensively limited Perkins or Nick Collison. With Bonner, the upside far outweighs any inadequacies. What else would you expect from a 6’10” redhead from New Hampshire?

view from the Wells Fargo Center courtesy of @drewtheBARBER

Fire Extinguishers Make For Bad Sparring Partners

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Amar’e Stoudemire may or mor not have ended his participation in the 2012 playoffs after punching the glass encasing around a fire extinguisher in the Knicks locker room following a demoralizing defeat to the Miami Heat in game 2 of their first round playoff series. At this point in his decorated/profitable career, the savvy veteran Stoudemire has got to know better. As a team leader with several years of playoff experience already under his belt he should have known that the dirty clothes hamper in the middle of the visitors locker room was the best outlet to physically vent your frustration while at the same time avoid season ending butterfly sutures. Fire extinguishers are not fit to be punching bags. Great for putting out fires but not an ideal sparring partner. Same goes for metal lockers and tiled shower stalls. Amar’e should have chosen something with a little more give which is why the linen cart makes so much more sense. Adding to its utility, the dirty uniform receptacle is low to the ground meaning Stoudemire could have resorted to an English Premier League style drop kick because he was better off using his feet anyway, especially if he was still wearing his size 15 Air Force Ones.

Bottom line Amar’e is that we all get “Heated” and want to take our exasperation out on inanimate metallic objects. At this point it’s important that you are able to learn from your mistakes. Forget for a second that your childish behavior was simply a case of misplaced anger directed at that ball hog Carmelo Anthony and focus all your energy on keeping your hand elevated and wrapped in a plastic baggy during bathing.

view from the Knicks locker room courtesy of @WindhorstESPN

Don Draper Traded To Rival Advertising Agency For A Case of Single Malt Scotch

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Madison Avenue awoke this morning to news that Don Draper, the unscrupulous lothario from one of New York’s top ad agencies Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, had been traded to rival agency Cutler Gleason and Chaough. In return for Draper, SCDP will receive two top CGC executives as well as future cash considerations and a case of Glenlivet. When asked why liquor was included in the transaction, CGC executive Ted Chaough said that “we wanted to clear the cabinets of as much booze as possible before the arrival of Draper”. The blockbuster deal was finalized only hours before the trading deadline was set to close Thursday afternoon and brings a sudden end to what has been a long gestating process for both Draper and SCDP.

Questions persisted throughout season 4 about Draper’s willingness to remain long term with Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Even though he was a founding member of the new agency, insiders have felt for some time that Draper had grown disillusioned with the direction of the agency that now bears his name. His contract with SCDP was due to expire at the end of the Christmas catalogue season and there was some concern within SCDP over whether or not Draper was going to sign his advertisers option which would have locked him up with his current firm for at least another year. In recent weeks, Draper had intimated to those closest to him that he would be willing to resign with SCDP if they were able to surround him with a winning team of brand managers. However, part of the problem for SCDP is that they have a lot of money tied up in a few past their prime agents like Roger Sterling. The Sterling conundrum has plagued the agency for years and just when it seemed like he had cleaned up his act for good, rumors began circulating throughout the Time Life building that Sterling may in fact be the father of Joan Harris’ unborn child. How all of this affected recent SCDP negotiations with Don Draper is unclear. What is certain is that SCDP could no longer bank on Draper remaining with the agency beyond this season and needed to protect their interests moving forward.

In Draper, Cutler Gleason and Chaough get a bonifide advertising star who will be the face of the agency for years to come. Paired with Ted Chaough the two will form a dynamic duo and compete with the other titans of the advertising world. This move doesn’t come without a little controversy as there were certain members of CGC board who remain unconvinced that Draper is the solution to their problems and worry that they gave up too much in the deal. Several CGC executives are worried that Draper has yet to fully recover from his divorce at the beginning of season 4. His ex wife Betty has since remarried but Draper continues to deal with concerns over his children and mortgage. Betty, who very few people like to begin with, has taken her crusade against Draper to the post office where she has written several letters of 140 characters or less admonishing the ad exec for previous infidelities and continued paternal negligence. For his part, Draper is reluctant to talk about his ex wife, choosing instead to focus on finishing the ad season strong.

Rumors are now swirling that Cutler Gleason and Chaough will insist that Draper sign a special insurance policy with the company that protects CGC from any future misconduct involving Draper, alcohol, and women. Sterling Cooper tried something similar years ago but Draper would have none of it then so it seems highly unlikely that he would agree to it now with CGC. If that’s the case, CGC must try to lure other advertising agents to their firm to surround Draper with the best team possible thus ensuring that he re-signs with the company long term at the end of the season.

What happens next for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce remains a mystery. As one of the most cunning advertisers in the game, Draper had been face of the agency for the past 4 seasons. His departure ends a successful, albeit tumultuous era for SCDP. In the absence of Draper, expect Pete Campbell and Peggy Olson to take on a much more visible roles within the company. When asked about Draper, close friend and confidant Roger Sterling said, “you just don’t go and replace a talent like Don. It will take years before this firm recovers. The only thing that can dull the pain of losing Draper is that case of Glenlivet which I’m about to start consuming once I get off the phone with you.”

view from the AT&T Center courtesy of @CenzParts

 

The NBA All-Star Break Means It’s Time For The Academy Awards

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This is a big weekend for both the NBA and Hollywood. As basketball enjoys its All-Star break Tinseltown gears up for the Academy Awards this Sunday night. Now is as good a time as any to predict both the winner of the Best Picture Oscar and the NBA Championship.

Outside Looking In

New York Knicks/Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close: After last night’s humbling loss to the Miami Heat I have some serious reservations about even including New York on this list. But the Knicks still deserve mentioning in large part because these past few weeks of Linsanity have been much too captivating to at least not consider a title run for this team. The Knicks will probably not get past either the Bulls or Heat but their presence in the Eastern Conference playoffs will do wonders for the television rating, that is of course if you are a Time Warner customer living in Manhattan.

Movie buffs aren’t quite sure how Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close ended up being nominated for a Best Picture Oscar with some reviewers calling it “self important” and “crass”.With Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock leading the cast, EL&IC boasts an impressive starting lineup but much like Knicks, the movie’s crunch time lineup includes crucial performance by supporting players like Max von Sydow and Viola Davis. But can you really win a championship wtih JR Smith launching 3 pointer after 3 pointer?

Dallas Mavericks/War Horse: Can’t discount the champs, even if free agent acquisition Lamar Odom has spent more time worrying about how to fix his sex swing than trying to figure how to help the Mavs win another title. You have to wonder whether or not this team has the drive again this season to push themselves all the way to the NBA Finals or maybe they are just satisfied to wait a year until they can go out and sign both Deron Williams and Dwight Howard this summer.

Speaking of running on past laurels, War Horse, directed by Steven Spielberg and based on a famous play, is the story of a boy and his horse and World War I. In other words, how did they ever turn this into a Broadway show? This film, much like the Dallas Mavericks, is on this list because of the past successes of Spielberg. And just like Dirk Nowitzki, it’ll take a whole roster of thoroughbreds for this director to win the big prize on Sunday.

Los Angeles Lakers/The Tree of Life: The Lakers have no point guard, zero depth, and are rumored to be shopping Pau Gasol. However, as long as they have Kobe Bryant they remain a threat to win the Western Conference, even if he is surrounded by a group of ripening corpses and Andrew Bynum’s fragile skeleton.

The Tree of Life is very very hard to understand, which is probably exactly what director Terrence Malick was shooting for. Is it about a middle class family in Texas during the 1950’s or the end of the world as we know it? Does Malick really believe that dinosaurs will inherit the earth once again or was he simply trying to make a statement about the ephemeral nature of human existence? Either way, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that The Tree of Life is much too ambitious to appeal to the average Academy voter. And like the Lakers, it’s really hard to win a championship when your roster is full of lifeforms from the Cretaceous era.

The Darkhorse

Denver Nuggets/Midnight in Paris: The Nuggets are an incredibly entertaining basketball team. They get up and down the court, defend, and take boatloads of threes. They also have the depth and athletic ability to match up very well with the Clippers and Thunder.

Midnight In Paris is a whimsical tale that brings us back to the Belle Epoque of Woody Allen’s illustrious career. But just like the Nuggets, the most entertaining movie doesn’t always win the Best Picture Oscar. (see 1997)

The Contenders

San Antonio Spurs/Moneyball: The Spurs have always spent their dollars wisely, acquiring a valuable stable of role players like Matt Bonner, Gary Neal, and Kawhi Leonard to compliment veteran stars Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili. Once again the issue for the Spurs will be the health of their aging nucleus. If any of their stars are unavailable or hobbled for the playoffs then it becomes next to impossible for the Spurs to keep up with the younger legs of the Western Conference.

The Oakland A’s, like the Spurs, have a history of cobbling together a starting lineup by signing other teams castoffs. Moneyball is a baseball movie about the island of misfit toys with Brad Pitt at the center of a statistical revolution that transformed professional sports. The story ends in defeat which may be an ominous sign for Spurs fans.

Los Angeles Clippers/Hugo: Hugo is a movie about the magic of movies. (Go figure. Scorcese going the PG route.) There’s a lot of magic taking place at the Staples Center this season and for once it’s not just the Lake Show. Blake Griffin continues to defy gravity and Chris Paul has established Lob City as more than just a passing fancy. It will be interesting to see whether or not the Clippers can carry this mystique into the second half of the season. In either case, it wouldn’t be a surprise to see either walk away with big prize.

The Favorites

Oklahoma City/The Descendants: OKC is young, energetic, and most importantly after last season’s playoff run, experienced. The Thunder certainly have the young legs to outlast their Western Conference competition but the question will always be, who takes that final shot: Kevin Durant or Russell Westbrook?

When it comes to Hollywood, there is no doubt that George Clooney is the man in charge. However, his character in The Descendants is very un alpa dogesque. The Descendants is two hours of scowling self loathing woe is me catharsis. In other words, a typical night in the life of Thunder center Kendrick Perkins.

Chicago Bulls/The Help: It was unfortunately only a matter of time before Derrick Rose broke down. His bad back is asymptamatic of his relentless style of play and effort on both ends of the court. Bad backs are really hard to overcome, just ask your dad.

Rose certainly could use a little help in Chicago but he has recently denied reports that he was asking the Bulls front office to trade for Pau Gasol. The Help is riding waves of momentum and it would make a lot of people smile to see the feel good movie of the year ride away with Hollywood’s biggest prize.

The Winner

Miami Heat/The Artist – The regular season does not matter because this Heat team will be judged by their performance in the playoffs. However, if recent games are any indication, LeBron James and company are motivated and capable of eviscerating any foe in their path. Silence has never been the answer for the Big Three but it could be the gimmick that pushes The Artist over the top. But, as with the Heat, there will be a lot of people rooting against it on Sunday night. If the past is any indication then Harvey Weinstein will not mind that there are a lot of movie fans out there who don’t like him. Unlike LeBron James.

 view from American Airlines Arena courtesy of @PLRLifestyle

 

Prep School Basketball or Pond Hockey: A Top Ten Examination

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Since when did Lake Winnipesaukee become such a hotbed for prep school basketball? Most folks are familiar with the New Hampshire Lakes Region for its pristine beauty, 0% sales tax, and golf ball sized mosquitoes. But premiere high school hoops in Northern New England? Sounds like some sort of bizarro John Irving novel under the heavy influence of either Adrian Wojnarowski or Scott Raab.

This past Monday Brewster Academy defeated in-state rival Tilton School 60-56. With the win, Brewster extended their record to 28-0 and will remain the top prep team in the country. That’s right, the top high school basketball team in the United States is from little old Wolfeboro, New Hampshire. This seems about as likely as an undrafted second year point guard from Harvard emerging as the New York Knicks savior. But I digress.

Here are the top ten sports related events more likely to occur in New Hampshire other than being home to the best prep school basketball team in the nation.

10. Ice Sculpting – Having grown up in Hanover, I can attest to the wild scene that is the Dartmouth Winter Carnival. It’s like something only the National Lampoon could conjure, fueled entirely by Mad Dog 20/20 and Swisher Sweets. The Greeks are allowed to pass off their debauchery by creating large ice sculptures on the front lawn of each fraternity. Now these creations are usually tied to a specific theme, like Dr. Seuss or the Abominable Snowman, however the only time anyone every sees these sculptures is when some overserved pledge attempts to jump over them on ice skates fashioned out of petrified birch tree braches. Trust me, this never ends well.

9. Surfing – You don’t need to travel to exotic locales like Cape Cod or Newport, RI to find some totally tubular New England waves. Hampton Beach provides wannabe Johnny Utah’s with ample surf and sun. And who knows just when a pickup football game may break out.

8. Motorcycle Gathering – I have never been so horrified as I was when driving through Meredith, NH and being passed by roughly 100 Clay Morrow lookalikes all wearing leather chaps sitting atop Harley-Davidson choppers with names like “Buttercup”, “Mystique”, and “Precious”.

7 – Ski Racing – The majestic White Mountains provide many scenic opportunities for both alpine and nordic skiing. But honestly, I don’t know anyone under the age of 45 who cross country skis. My mom took me XC skiing over the backcountry once and it was a miserable experience. For starters, cross country is much more difficult than downhill mostly because you have to create all of the momentum yourself. Secondly, it was like running on a treadmill. We must have gone around the same open field five times before returning home. All and all, cross country skiing is not something for me. At least not until I turn 45.

6. NASCAR Race – Yes it’s true, Loudon, NH is home to several NASCAR events as well as an Indy Car race. And you thought it was only Dixie that cared about fast cars driving in concentric circles until they all crash or run out of gas.

5. Mountain Climbing – Speaking of outdoor activities, the White Mountains boast the Presidentials, a series of tall peaks named after famous US Presidents. Mt. Washington is probably the most famous of the bunch and if you don’t feel like climbing the highest mountain in New England you can always drive your car to the top and purchase one of these decorative stickers. Hiking suites my fancy just fine, so long as it not black fly season. Black flies are the scourge of human existence and the single most effective means of population control in New Hampshire.

4. Big Buck Hunter – I’ve been informed by a colleague in the know that the appeal of this arcade game found commonly in bars across the Kancamagus is not the killing animals part but that it tests your quick twitch muscle response. Sounds a little fishy to me. Get a few Dr. McGillicuddy’s in you and shooting defenseless opossum sounds pretty entertaining.

3. Golf – Even though the official golf season exists for only a few fleeting months before the frost descends from the arctic and envelopes the entire state with a permafrost until the following May doesn’t mean that the Granite State is void of championship caliber golf courses. In high school I use to frequent a course where on the 18th hole you had to hit your tee shot over a 300 foot ravine. 9 times out of 10 I ended up at the bottom of the gorge having to take a drop by the ladies tees on the other side of the bridge. Humbling experience especially when the people you are playing with never seem to make the same mistake.

2. Rope Swings – You haven’t lived until you have been hit in the genitals by a long piece of knotted rope while free falling into the shallow, ice cold water of the Connecticut River.

1. Pond Hockey Tournament – I have friends who compete in an outdoor 3-on-3 hockey tournament held every winter on Lake Winnipesaukee. They tell me that some of the highlights include: no officials, a skate in and skate out Labatt Blue tent, and the fact that everyone is off the ice by 2pm which allows the “athletes” an optimal amount of time in one of the many Lakes Region greasy spoons.

view from The Rock courtesy of @JamesBellomo