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World Series Game 7 Jeopardized By Trump, Clinton Campaigns

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The Lord Line

CLEVELAND, November 2 – Six days before the election and both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have revised their schedules and will hold dueling rallies outside of Progressive Field in Cleveland prior to Game 7 of the World Series. These impromptu campaign events will create massively long security lines outside of the stadium and ticket holders to tonight’s historic game are now being asked to consider watching from home.

“Our primary responsibility is the safety and security of the nominees,” said Secret Service spokesperson Jane Dombrowski. “And although we advised both campaigns against holding these events so close to first pitch due to safety concerns neither was willing to sacrifice a final opportunity to appeal to the undecided voters of Cuyahoga County.”

Single tickets for Game 7 have been selling for upwards of $20,000 and fans of both the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians are understandably upset by the prospect of missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity.

“This is just another example of politicians being out of touch with the average American voter,” said Matt Gibson a lifelong Indians fan and retired steelworker from Youngstown who divested all of his savings for a ticket to Game 7. “You wait your whole life to celebrate a championship with your favorite baseball team only to have that opportunity taken from you by the government.”

Mr. Gibson says that he was going to write in Urban Meyer for president anyway and that this latest development has only strengthened his resolve.

MLB has yet to offer refunds for ticket holders unable to make it to Game 7 but when word reached Mr. Trump aides said that the Republican nominee was upset and potentially willing to offer high level cabinet positions to those most affected by this “terrible, horrible tragedy”.

Too Good For TV, A-Rod Tested For Performance Enhancing Drugs

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The Lord Line

CLEVELAND, November 1 – To the surprise of many, Alex Rodriguez has been one of the breakout stars of the baseball postseason so much so that now MLB has tested the Fox Sports analyst for use of performance enhancing drugs.

Rodriguez was spotted outside the visitors clubhouse at Progressive Field hours before the first pitch of Game 6 of the World Series waiting for his turn at the urinal.

MLB spokesman Greg Shechter issued a statement defending the decision saying that it is not “out of the ordinary” to drug test television broadcasters and that some of the performance enhancers being tested for include caffeine, sugar and lanolin, an ingredient found in most lip balms that when abused can lead to an overly knowledgeable and affable demeanor.

“We are all watching the same pre and post game, ” said Schechter. “Clearly Alex Rodriguez is performing at a level superior to his peers and MLB just wants to protect the integrity of the game and let fans know once and for all if A-Rod is actually this likable.”

Shechter did not care to comment on the report that fellow analyst and serial rule breaker Pete Rose was not subject to the same series of PED tests as A-Rod saying only that “what afflicts Pete cannot possibly be tested for.”

 

 

The Lord Line: Chicago Cubs to Retire Kyle Schwarber’s Number

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Chicago Cubs To Retire Kyle Schwarber’s Number

Chicago, October 27 – In an unprecedented move for a baseball franchise that last won a World Series in 1908, the Chicago Cubs have decided to retire designated hitter Kyle Schwarber’s jersey number 12 in a pregame ceremony prior to tomorrow’s game 3 of the 2016 World Series vs. the Cleveland Indians. The announcement was made by the Chicago front office following their series tying 5-1 win in game 2, a victory keyed by a couple of clutch RBI singles from Schwarber.

“What Kyle has meant to this organization is indescribable,” says President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein. “We understand that it’s a relatively small sample size, less than 250 regular season at bats, but with what he has already accomplished this postseason and with the series shifting to Chicago for the first World Series games in Wrigley Field since 1945 the franchise felt that this was the perfect time to capitalize on the momentum.”

Cubs’ Manager Joe Maddon is also quick to praise Schwarber even if the slugger’s lack of a position could present a difficult decision.

“I can’t guarantee that Schwarbie will be in the lineup for game 3 because in all honesty he was a subpar defensive outfielder before he tore two knee ligaments. However, that being said, even at 23 years old it’s never too early to honor the accomplishments of one of the franchise’s greatest players alongside Hall of Famers like Ernie Banks, Billy Williams and Ron Santo.”

For Kyle Schwarber, having his number retired by one of the most celebrated franchises in professional baseball makes all the work that went into his rehabilitation that much sweeter.

“As Fox Sports broadcasters have stated repeatedly, the blisters. The tracking of thousands of pitches. The fact that I was almost traded to the New York Yankees. It was all worth it for this moment right here. And who knows, we may even end up winning a World Series.”

Republicans Ride Rust Belt To Ruin

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Cleveland calling. Time for these Republican wing nuts to lace up the wing tips and debate the issues that matter most. Unfortunately for the future of our country, and those of us who long for a reasonable choice come 2016, Thursday’s script has already been written as the 10 candidates will likely consume most of the airspace with jingoistic jargon and disengaging populist policies in the hopes of appealing to a wide swath of undecided primary voters when in reality their xenophobic musings will reach only the very narrow fringes of American society.

So then, why not address the audience in Cleveland about something that really matters to them? Like sports. And if it’s Rust Belt rage these politicians hope to channel then they would be wise to direct some of that vitriol across the Great Lakes at Canada and those fine, friendly folks from Ontario because, in case you haven’t noticed, Toronto has been stockpiling American athletic assets faster than Tehran can get their hands on weapons grade plutonium.

Years ago, the Buffalo Bills flirted with a permanent relocation to Toronto until realizing that their fan base was unwilling to take the plunge across Niagara Falls. Now this summer tensions have really ratcheted up with our neighbors to the north as Detroit especially has been purged of star players and coaches like David Price to the Blue Jays and Mike Babcock to the Maple Leafs leaving behind a massive void of talent and respectability. Who’s next, LeBron James? Forget about the Russians, maybe it’s the Raptors that the Rust Belt really needs to be worrying about because those jurassic era dinosaurs are coming on fiercer than a Drake diss track.

Winter is coming and unless Donald Trump has a plan to build more towers along the shores of Lake Erie it won’t be long before these white walkers can wrap their icy fingers around all of America’s most beloved all-stars.