Kobe Bryant Mulls A Return To The Los Angeles Lakers


LOS ANGELES, November 17 – The Los Angeles Lakers are relevant once again and may soon welcome back one of the greatest players in franchise history. Kobe Bryant has started telling close friends and business associates that he is in fact contemplating a return to the NBA. According to sources the 18-time All-Star and 5-time NBA champion has been training at the Lakers practice facility in El Segundo with the hopes of getting back on the court by Christmas.

When reached for comment the as of now retired Kobe would not rule out a return to professional basketball saying only that “right now my primary focus is on venture capital. My workout routine with the Lakers is nothing more than good therapy. Could I still dominate at the highest level of basketball? Absolutely. But at this point in my life is playing a game as exciting as investing in something like drone delivery for pharmaceuticals? Time will tell.”

When Bryant’s intentions became clearer, Lakers’ head coach Luke Walton started tinkering with the team offense to better suite the needs of the 38 year old former superstar by moving away from the free flowing, constant ball movement style he adopted from his time with the Golden State Warriors, a system that so far this season has shown great promise in Los Angeles, to something much more isolation friendly and familiar to Kobe back when he averaged well over 20 field goal attempts per game.

“You can’t allow an NBA defense to settle in,” said the first year head coach. “It’s all about multiple looks and regardless of Kobe’s status the players on this roster need to get use to taking the air out of the ball and slowing things down a little bit.”

D’Angelo Russell, the starting point guard, leading scoring and perhaps greatest beneficiary of a Kobe free locker room, was not made available for comment after a recent practice but did show up on the team’s latest injury report as ‘questionable’ for the Lakers next game vs the San Antonio Spurs with what team doctors are referring to as a case of ‘mild sadness’.

Word out of Eugene, Oregon is that Nike hopes to capitalize on Bryant’s potential return to the NBA with a new signature Kobe shoe made with actual black mamba venom.

The Lord Line: Rajon Rondo Vows To Never Shoot Again

Brooklyn, October 31 – In a stunning surprise for a professional basketball player, Rajon Rondo, the starting point guard for the Chicago Bulls, has vowed to never take another shot in the NBA. The announcement came following the Bulls (2-0) morning workout before their Halloween game against the Brooklyn Nets.

“This is not a trick,” began Rondo who along with Dwyane Wade, Robin Lopez, Michel Carter-Williams and some guy named Christiano Felicio represent a new era of basketball in Chicago. “Think of it instead as a treat for my teammates and the fans who must recognize the selflessness of my words and actions.”

When asked to comment on his point guard’s pronouncement, Bulls head coach Fred Hoiberg said that Rondo should be “lauded” for his team first mentality.

“Look, Rajon is a winner. That’s why we brought him here to Chicago,” says the second year coach. “He understands his game better than anyone else which is why his decision to never shoot again shouldn’t shock any of us. Now, maybe it would make more sense if he weren’t passing up wide open fast break layups or if we had a legitimate 3-point shooter on the roster he could pass to but hey, at the end of the day you’ve got to respect the integrity of a veteran player who understands his weaknesses including a debilitating loss of confidence and jump shot technique.”

Asked to comment on his coach’s statement saying that the Bulls lack 3-point shooting, small forward and walking scarecrow Doug McDermott said, “Ok, Coach, I see how it is. In college they didn’t call me ‘Dougie McBuckets’ for nothing.”


NBA Watchability Index for Parents: January 23, 2015

5 Baby Bottles (Watch Those Little Eyes Glaze Over)

Oklahoma City Thunder @ Atlanta Hawks (7:30 PM)

This is such an interesting game for both teams. The Hawks, riding a 14 game win streak and the second best record in the NBA, are still competing for the respect of basketball fans who doubt the long term legitimacy of this Atlanta team. A win against the Thunder, a perceived Western Conference power, would go a long way towards validating the Hawks already impressive resume. For OKC, this game is a chance to show the league that when healthy they are amongst the NBA’s best. Plus, with LaMarcus Aldridge’s injury for Portland first place in the Northwest division no longer seems like an insurmountable task for the hard charging Thunder.

4 Baby Bottles (Must Keep Head In Upright Position)

Charlotte Hornets @ Cleveland Cavaliers (7:30 PM)

The Hornets and Cavs are the two hottest teams in the Eastern Conference not named the Atlanta Hawks. Also, how long into this game before LeBron starts defending Kemba Walker?

Chicago Bulls @ Dallas Mavericks (8:00 PM)

Houston Rockets @ Phoenix Suns (9:00 PM)

3 Baby Bottles (Just A Quick Swaddle & Rock)

Orlando Magic @ New York Knicks

Great read in today’s New York Times on Knicks journeyman center Lou Amundson. Who knew that he and some guys names Langston Galloway and Lance Thomas would be the saviors of the 2014-15 New York Knicks season?

2 Baby Bottles (Burp It Out)

Toronto Raptors @ Philadelphia 76ers (7:00 PM)

The Raptors have not been playing good basketball for the past few weeks which would normally be a big problem if it weren’t for the general ineptitude and malaise of all the other teams in the Atlantic division. It’s not even February and Toronto is all but assured a top-3 seed in the playoffs.

New Orleans Pelicans @ Minnesota Timberwolves (8:00 PM)

Los Angeles Lakers @ San Antonio Spurs (8:30 PM)

Boston Celtics @ Denver Nuggets (9:00 PM)

Sacramento Kings @ Golden State Warriors (10:30 PM)

1 Baby Bottle (Only During An Emergency Diaper Change)

Indiana Pacers @ Miami Heat (7:30 PM)

The game of the night during either of the previous two seasons.

The NBA Watchability Index for Parents: January 20, 2015

My son has a cold which would only be news if he didn’t have a cold. It is winter after all and my wife and I often lament the fact that we did not buy stock in Kleenex this past fall. At night I must spend 10 solid minutes picking up balled up, snot covered pieces of tissue. I guess I probably shouldn’t complain all that much because as we parents know the alternative to tissue is our clothing and I unfortunately have dress shirts that are starting to resemble art projects.

5 Baby Bottles (Watch Those Little Eyes Glaze Over)

No Games

4 Baby Bottles (Must Keep Head In Upright Position)

No Games

3 Baby Bottles (Just A Quick Swaddle & Rock)

Oklahoma City Thunder @ Miami Heat (7:30)

Light night in the NBA after yesterday’s MLK Day smorgasborg. In case you missed it, here are a few of the highlights from yesterday’s holiday action:

-The Cavs beat the Bulls in Chicago for their third win in a row and now the Bulls are acting like the team suddenly up against the ropes. The normally soft spoken, reserved Derrick Rose came out after the game and said that the Bulls need to give “a better effort” and start “communicating” with one another which could justbe code for ‘I’m frustrated with myself because I shot 5-14 from the field and am no longer my team’s primary option on offense’. Either way, no team grinds/maximizing their talent like Chicago so it is slightly concerning when the starting point guard calls into question the team’s effort.

-The Knicks won a basketball game which means the New York Times can finally bring back their Knicks beat reporter who just finished spending a few relaxing weeks in Manitoba, Canada covering a rousing game of H-O-R-S-E between an Inuit boy named Barry and a three legged moose.

-The Hawks won again. That’s 13 in a row.

-So to did the Warriors, who are 9-1 in their last 10.

-An Atlanta/Dubs NBA Finals won’t knock Main Street America’s socks off but to hardcore basketball aficionados it would border on a motion offense wet dream. I’m already excited thinking about the matchup between Al Horford and Draymond Green.

-The Suns beat the Lakers and refuse to give up any ground to the Thunder in the chase for the 8th seed out West. Heck, at this rate Phoenix has more than a realistic chance of catching the Spurs for the 7th spot.

-And finally, Joel Embiid may or may not be 300 pounds.

2 Baby Bottles (Burp It Out)

San Antonio Spurs @ Denver Nuggets (9:00)

1 Baby Bottle (Only During An Emergency Diaper Change)

No Games

NBA Watchability Index for Parents: January 16, 2015

Waiting for your baby to burp after feeding is a lot like waiting for a volcano to erupt after an earthquake. In both cases, it’s only a matter of time before the vile lava spewed from deep inside the core forces local residents to seek shelter. Your best bet is to be prepared with several layers of protective clothing and hope that the hot magna passes you by without leaving behind third degree burns.

5 Baby Bottles (Watch Those Little Eyes Glaze Over)

Atlanta Hawks @ Toronto Raptors (7:30)

Dare I say a preview of the Eastern Conference Finals? If before the season you had said that on January 16th the Hawks and Raptors would have the two best records in the East people would have looked at you like you just announced that you were closing all Targets in Canada.

4 Baby Bottles (Must Keep Head In Upright Position)

Golden State Warriors @ Oklahoma City Thunder (8:00)

Dare I say a preview of the first round of the Western Conference playoffs? If before the season you had said that on January 16th the Warriors would have the best record in basketball while the Thunder were in serious jeopardy of missing the playoffs people would have looked at you like you might potentially trade for Brook Lopez.

Portland Trail Blazers @ San Antonio Spurs (8:30)

He doesn’t know this yet but when his career is over Matt Bonner and I are going to get to work on a biography titled Live Free or Red Mamba: Ballin Hard in the Granite State.

Cleveland Cavaliers @ Los Angeles Clippers (10:30)

People are making a big deal about Doc Rivers trading for his son Austin but if you were the general manager/head coach of a NBA team wouldn’t you want your kid playing for you? The NBA is a little different than little league baseball but still, it’s going to be nice for Doc and his wife to tuck their son into bed at night.

3 Baby Bottles (Just A Quick Swaddle & Rock)

Memphis Grizzlies @ Orlando Magic (7:00)

Zach Lowe needs to tell us why Victor Oladipo can’t turn into a Jimmy Butler type player?

Detroit Pistons @ Indiana Pacers (7:00)

A mid season battle for the 8th and final Eastern Conference playoff spot.

Denver Nuggets @ Dallas Mavericks (8:30)

2 Baby Bottles (Burp It Out)

New Orleans Pelicans @ Philadelphia 76ers (7:00)

Brooklyn Nets @ Washington Wizards (7:00)

It makes total sense for Mikhail Prokhorov to sell the Nets when the Russian oligarch can probably fetch upwards of 2 billion dollars for his majority stake in the franchise and arena. And judging from the ongoing collapse of the Russian economy the mineral magnate is going to need all the rubles he can get his hands on.

Chicago Bulls @ Boston Celtics (7:30)

Minnesota Timberwolves @ Phoenix Suns (9:00)

What if the Cavs offered Kevin Love back to the Timberwolves in return for Andrew Wiggins? Who blinks first?

1 Baby Bottle (Only During An Emergency Diaper Change)

Los Angeles Lakers @ Utah Jazz (9:00)

Kobe dropped a career high 17 assists last night in the Lakers’ loss to the Cavs. Proof positive to all you haters out there giving him crap for shooting the ball too much that it doesn’t matter what stat Kobe stuffs, the Lakers are not a good basketball team.

Miami Heat @ Sacramento Kings (10:00)

What ever happened to the Kings playing only 4 guys on defense?

Have a happy weekend!!!