Because newborn babies lack the neurological development to control their facial expressions I can’t tell if my son is happy or gassy which, the more that I think about it, holds true for some adults as well. In fact, the next time you’re delivering a presentation try not to fixate one why Bob from accounting always seems a step slow to the punchline.

NBA Watchability Index for Parents: Friday January 9, 2015

5 Baby Bottles (until those little eyes glaze over)

Chicago Bulls @ Washington Wizards (8:00 PM)

The Bulls are good enough to win an NBA championship and the Wizards are good enough to beat the Bulls in the Eastern Conference playoffs which I think means that Chicago, if healthy, can stand toe-to-toe with any of the powers out West while Washington might still lack the depth/experience to win it all even though they are fully capable of winning a 7 game series over the Bulls. I think this makes sense, right?

4 Baby Bottles (make sure to keep the head upright)

Cleveland Cavaliers @ Golden State Warriors (10:30 PM)

LeBron James travelled down to Miami this past week to rehab his ailing knee and back, which I personally see no problem with but if I were a paranoid Cavs fans I could totally see how this would piss me off and make me worry that LeBron was plotting some sort of return to South Beach. Or maybe he was down recruiting Spoelstra to coach the Cavs assuming that David Blatt’s business class ticket back to Europe has already been purchased.

3 Baby Bottle (just a quick swaddle and rock)

Atlanta Hawks @ Detroit Pistons (7:30 PM)

If it’s not already, Stan Van Gundy’s “form a f-ing wall” needs to become a popular internet meme where SVG’s mustachioed mellon is plastered on top of famous moments from history like Occupy Wall Street or the Battle of Antietam.

Memphis Grizzlies @ New Orleans Pelicans (8:00 PM)

Phoenix Suns @ San Antonio Spurs (8:30 PM)

2 Baby Bottles (in between burps)

Boston Celtics @ Indiana Pacers (7:00 PM)

It’s Danny Ainge vs Larry Bird! Brad Stevens returns to the state of Indiana!! Jared Sullinger comes back to…ahh forget it. This game is boring.

Minnesota Timberwolves @ Milwaukee Bucks (8:30 PM)

Would have been at least a 3 baby bottle game if Jabari Parker had two properly functioning ACLs.

Denver Nuggets @ Sacramento Kings (10:00 PM)

The Nuggets are playing better basketball now that their coach doesn’t make them do morning shootarounds anymore and, with respect to Brian Shaw, they can’t be the first NBA team to make this switch right? It seems way too logical to be happening for the first time in 2015.

1 Baby Bottle (only during an emergency diaper change)

Philadelphia 76ers @ Brooklyn Nets (7:30 PM)

Orlando Magic @ Los Angeles Lakers (10:30 PM)

Oladipo though.

 

We just had a baby. Our second. And for any parent entrusted with evening feedings you know how hard it can be to find something, anything to watch on television especially during these cold, foreboding winter months. Fortunately, and this probably only goes for basketball fans, the NBA is here to cure us of our Discovery Channel doldrums and since I know I’ll be up until the early hours I thought I might share with all you other basketball loving parents of young children out there my own personal NBA Watchability Index for

Wednesday, January 7th.

5 Baby Bottles (until those little eyes glaze over)

Memphis Grizzlies @ Atlanta Hawks (7:00 PM)

Marc Gasol is one of my favorite basketball players and would be the most fun NBA player to play pickup with because he’s tall and a really good passer. And the Atlanta Hawks are an astounding 26-8. Who would have predicted that before the season?

4 Baby Bottles (make sure to keep the head upright)

Houston Rockets @ Cleveland Cavaliers (7:00 PM)

Cleveland, how our collective hearts bleed for you. If the Cavs could do it all over again would they still trade Andrew Wiggins for Kevin Love because isn’t recently acquired Iman Shumpert the same type player as the rookie Wiggins?

Detroit Pistons @ Dallas Mavericks (8:30 PM)

The Pistons have won 6 games in a row since dumping Josh Smith on the Rockets and Stan Van Gundy is now the author of one of the greatest instructions in coaching history and “form a f-ing wall” has become one of my go to pieces of parental advice.

3 Baby Bottles (in between burps)

New York Knicks @ Washington Wizards (7:00 PM)

If only to see who the Knicks end up suiting up now that more than half their roster is either injured or tied up in a trade exemption. Also, I love what the New York Times is doing by sending their Knicks beat reporter out to cover other sporting events in the area while the dumpster fire in Madison Square Garden continues to smolder.

Oklahoma City Thunder @ Sacramento Kings (10:00 PM)

Utah Jazz @ Chicago Bulls (8:00 PM)

Jimmy Butler is nearing must see status right now while Nikola Mirotic has the best Serbian basketball beard since Vlade Divac.

2 Baby Bottles (just a quick swaddle and rock)

Milwaukee Bucks @ Philadelphia 76ers (7:00 PM)

The Sixers beat the Cavs the other night which is encouraging if you’re either a Philly fan or David Blatt’s real estate broker.

New Orleans Pelicans vs Charlotte Hornets (7:00 PM)

Anthony Davis.

Los Angeles Lakers @ Los Angeles Clippers (10:30 PM)

The Lakers will always be more interesting with Kobe than without him. A sentiment not shared by most of his teammates especially Jeremy Lin.

Indiana Pacers @ Golden State Warriors (10:30 PM)

1 Baby Bottle (only during an emergency diaper change)

Boston Celtics @ Brooklyn Nets (7:30 PM)

Orlando Magic @ Denver Nuggets (9:00 PM)