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Frozen Dictionary: A Casual Hockey Fans Guide To The NHL Playoffs

April 20, 2012 by Jon

The urgency. The energy. The lack of commercials. I love playoff hockey!!! For two months a year we are treated to some of the most reliably competitive and unpredictable moments in sports. The NHL playoffs rarely disappoint and casual fans like myself can be just as caught up in the action as a hockey diehard from Moosejaw, Saskatchewan. Because the regular season does not stimulate the same sort of national interest as say football or baseball you have a lot of fans who are just now wading into the sport for the first time all year. It is therefore extremely important that the entire television audience is afforded some sort of cheat sheet to help better understand some of the hockey lingo used during a NHL playoff broadcast. Here is a running recap of last nights Boston Bruins/Washington Capitals Game 4 using some of the language overheard on the Verizon Center ice.

Zamboni: An ice resurfacer used before the game and during the intermissions to create the smoothest playing surface possible OR what I could have used after my 1 year old son urinated on our living room coffee table causing me to miss the first 10 minutes of action. But I’m ready to go now with the Caps taking an early 1-0 lead. Surprised to see Alex Ovechkin fashioning the tinted visor courtesy of LaDainian Tomlinson. I wonder if Ovi is going to struggle in the clutch like was the rap on Tomlinson back during his prime with the Chargers. “You’re the worst cornerback in the league Hobbs!!!!!”

Five Hole: The space between a goalie’s legs OR what was just utilized by Bruins right winger Rich Peverly on his 1st period goal. The score is now tied at 1 heading into the 2nd period. On a sperate notes, this Boston roster has to lead the NHL in non-traditional player numbers. 37, 46, 49, 63. It’s like the entire team is comprised of NFL long snappers.

Standing On His Head: When a goalie stacks their pads and does everything physically possible to prevent a goal OR what Caps net minder Braden Holtby is currently doing to stop this latest Boston barrage. Halfway through the 2nd period and the Bruins are out shooting the Capitals 26-8. I’m not 100% positive but I’m pretty sure Pierre McGuire just compared the rookie Holtby to Montreal Canandiens great Ken Dryden. Whoa, let’s pump the breaks a little bit here Pierre. I’m no Don Cherry but the comparison strikes me as a little premature sort of like saying Penny Hardaway is the next Michael Jordan or the rock band Oasis is bigger than God.

Wrister Top Shelf: A shot using mainly the wrists directed towards the top half of the goal OR what Capitals forward Alexander Semin used on the power play to put the Caps up 2-1 with little over a left in the 2nd period. I think it would be great if other sports adopted the power play system. Think about how much fun a NBA game would be if instead of a player fouling out when they picked up their 6th foul they now had to go and stand on the sidelines for 2 minutes while their team plays 4 against 5. Knowing Simmons’ affinity for Hoosiers and coach Norman Dale I would not be shocked if The Book Of Basketball contains an entire chapter on this subject.

Snow the Goalie: An offensive player kicking ice up into the face of an opposing goalie OR what the Bruins need to do more of during the 3rd period in order to crack the Holtby Code. 2-1 Caps heading into the 2nd intermission. Only 20 minutes standing between me and the 4th quarter of Bulls/Heat on TNT. Just kidding. Also, is it just me or could nearly every hockey expression double as some sort of filthy sex move? I’m now petrified to look up the term “icing” on Urban Dictionary.

Grinders: Hockey players known for their hard work and checking OR the playing style both teams are exhibiting during this 3rd period. The Caps have fallen back into a prevent defense while the B’s just cannot put the puck past Braden Holtby. With six minutes remaining in the 3rd, Boston is outshooting Washington 45-21 yet still trails 2-1. Just an unbelievable performance by Holtby. Notice also that Washington coach Dale Hunter has kept Alexander Ovechkin on the bench for much of the final period. Questioning his commitment to two way hockey?

Pest: An animal which is detrimental to humans or human concerns OR Brad Marchand

Empty Net: When a team pulls their goalie off the ice giving themselves a man advantage OR what the Bruins did with one minute remaining in the 3rd period only to come up short in the end losing by a final score of 2-1. Washington evens the series at 2 as the scene now shifts back to Boston for the all important game 5 Saturday afternoon. My three stars for game 4 go to Braden Holtby, Pierre McGuire’s bald head, and Alexander Semin’s wrists. Very entertaining conclusion to a somewhat choppy playoff hockey game. Maybe I’ll try this again Saturday night during Game 5 of the Rangers/Senators series. Lord knows there’s a lot of hockey language yet to explore.

view from the Verizon Center courtesy of @JLevin28

Bracketscapes: Washington, D.C.

March 17, 2011 by Jon

Washington, D.C. – Verizon Center (March 17 & 19: Rounds 2,3)

Why your dad likes D.C.: Because all dads love history. Fact: every dad claims to know more about history than their kids. Dads also really like to tell you what they know about history over and over and over again. Growing up, my dad must have told me a hundred times about Abraham Lincoln writing the Gettysburg Address on the train ride up to deliver his most famous speech. To this day, whenever I have to give a presentation my dad will remind me of this story.

Signature Food/Beverage: Got to be the martini, or a scotch on the rocks. Those government types are so refined. Anytime I visit friends in DC I end up drinking cans of PBR. Why travel all the way down to DC for a PBR when I only need to go to Brooklyn. So ironic. For food, I would go with Five Guys. Best “fast food” burger I’ve had. The chain started in DC but has migrated north to New England which is fantastic for my appetite but not so much for my cholesterol, blood pressure, and physique.

College Basketball History: With all the fallout following the recent Fab Five documentary, maybe now people will give the Georgetown basketball program its due. Patrick Ewing and John Thompson were as transcendent as Jalen Rose or Chris Weber and their Hoya teams actually won something.

Bracket Predictions: Round 2 – (8) Butler over (9) Old Dominion, (1) Pitt over NC-Asheville, (3) Connecticut over (14) Bucknell, (11) Missouri over (6) Cincinnati Round 3 – Pitt over Butler, UConn over Missouri

view from the Verizon Center courtesy of @howtoJimmyK

Kiss Cam in the Capitol Building.

January 26, 2011 by Jon

The Washington Wizards have yet to win a road game all season. They haven’t fared much better at the Verizon Center either. Last nights 120-109 loss to the Denver Nuggets lowered the Wizards record to a anemic 13-31. The lower level of the arena did not approach full capacity which was likely because a majority of bureaucrats and lobbyists were busy listening to President Obama deliver his latest State of the Union address.

The big story heading into last night’s SOTU was that, in an apparent display of bipartisanship and unity, house Democrats and Republicans would be sitting next to one another during the address. When executed, this plan produced some of the oddest couples since Felix and Oscar. Chuck Shumer and Tom Coburn. Kirsten Gillibrand and John Thune. John Kerry and John McCain. The comedy gods blessed us with an unparalleled amount of opportunities to poke fun of our bureaucratic transparency.

What if this happened in sports? What if opposing teams and players decided that in an effort to promote greater civility and respect they would set aside their competitive integrity and extend the metaphorical olive branch. Picture this: baseball players inhabiting the same dugout. Or football players on the same sideline. And what about golfers sharing the same caddy. As Peter Venkman once said: “Cats and dogs. Living together. Mass hysteria!!”

To be honest with you, I don’t normally think much of anything a President may say during the SOTU. Actual political policy is rarely determined by anything mentioned during this traditional address. Even still, I found myself watching last night mostly for the off chance that Joe Biden did something outrageous like say, fall asleep.

view of the Verizon Center courtesy of @just_jess_jess