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At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

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Jay Cutler Votes For Donald Trump, Confrims He Is An Awful Quarterback

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THE LORD LINE

CHICAGO, November 15 – While most NFL players and personnel have chosen to remain silent since the presidential election, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is proud to have cast a ballot for Donald Trump. In related news, this past weekend Cutler was also able to confirm that he is not good at playing football.

His enthusiasm for Mr. Trump was on full display in the Bears’ 36-10 defeat to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the normally dour and unexpressive signal caller appeared downright demonstrative and effusive while completing 16 of 30 passes for 182 yard and two interceptions.

His attitude caught many teammates off guard as they have long grown accustomed to Cutler appearing as if he does not ‘give a shit’.

The loss drops the hapless Bears to 2-7 on the year and while Cutler’s reign in Chicago will most likely come to a merciful conclusion at the end of the regular season, it’s not all bad news for the Santa Claus, Indiana native as President-Elect Trump remains so impressed by the Smokin’ Jay Cutler meme that he promised to consider Cutler for an opening with the surgeon general.

In related news, Donald Trump is also thinking about New England Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick for White House Press Secretary and Buffalo Bills’ offensive lineman Richie Incognito for wife Melania’s cyber bullying task force.

World Series Game 7 Jeopardized By Trump, Clinton Campaigns

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The Lord Line

CLEVELAND, November 2 – Six days before the election and both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have revised their schedules and will hold dueling rallies outside of Progressive Field in Cleveland prior to Game 7 of the World Series. These impromptu campaign events will create massively long security lines outside of the stadium and ticket holders to tonight’s historic game are now being asked to consider watching from home.

“Our primary responsibility is the safety and security of the nominees,” said Secret Service spokesperson Jane Dombrowski. “And although we advised both campaigns against holding these events so close to first pitch due to safety concerns neither was willing to sacrifice a final opportunity to appeal to the undecided voters of Cuyahoga County.”

Single tickets for Game 7 have been selling for upwards of $20,000 and fans of both the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians are understandably upset by the prospect of missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity.

“This is just another example of politicians being out of touch with the average American voter,” said Matt Gibson a lifelong Indians fan and retired steelworker from Youngstown who divested all of his savings for a ticket to Game 7. “You wait your whole life to celebrate a championship with your favorite baseball team only to have that opportunity taken from you by the government.”

Mr. Gibson says that he was going to write in Urban Meyer for president anyway and that this latest development has only strengthened his resolve.

MLB has yet to offer refunds for ticket holders unable to make it to Game 7 but when word reached Mr. Trump aides said that the Republican nominee was upset and potentially willing to offer high level cabinet positions to those most affected by this “terrible, horrible tragedy”.

The Lord Line: Tom Brady To Spend Bye Week At Trump National

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Buffalo, October 28 – Tom Brady may not be willing to state publicly if he plans on voting for his friend Donald Trump in the upcoming presidential election but that has not stopped the New England Patriots’ star quarterback from making plans to stay at the Trump National Doral Miami during the teams’ bye week following their game vs. the Buffalo Bills this weekend. When asked about the upcoming vacation the normally tight lipped veteran appeared giddy at the prospects of more time away from football.

“Obviously I won’t comment on my 4 game suspension other than to say it was totally unfair and that Roger Goodell is the bastard spawn of Satan. But my time at home and sun bathing naked in Italy did offer a glimpse of what life is like without football which is why I am very much looking forward to another break.”

When asked specifically about his reasoning for choosing Trump National given the controversy surrounding Brady since being spotted with a “Make America Great Again” hat in his locker, the future Hall of Famer said that it was a business decision.

“Mr. Trump is a friend but Mr. Trump also owes me a substantial amount of money which I lent to him long before he announced his candidacy for president back when he was raising capital for a new line of bathroom fixtures called ‘Trump Toilets: Your Shit Is My Business’. Times being what they are, and with the Russian mafia being so stingy, I accepted a free week long stay in Miami instead.

When asked to comment on the Brady bye week situation, Buffalo Bills’ head coach, and fellow Trump supporter, said that he too had plans to spend his off week at a Trump Resort but then heard that the buffets “sucked” so he changed his plans and now he and his twin brother Rob will be riding a whiskey barrel over Niagara Falls.

Bill Belichick did not wish to comment on Tom Brady’s bromance with Donald Trump other than to say that Republicans are now “On to Paul Ryan’.