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At the Intersection of Sports and Culture

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The Replacements: Coming Soon to a Warehouse Near You

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The Baltimore Orioles are headed nowhere fast and it has finally come to a point in the season where the team must consider making a few drastic changes in order to satisfy the desires of their fans and give promise to a brighter tomorrow. And while most teams in MLB will use September to call up their top prospects from the minor league, the Orioles may want to think about charting an entirely different course. Attendance at Camden Yards is down and will remain low even if the Blake Davis/Josh Bell platoon at 3B produces results. No, what Baltimore needs to do is ask the actors who played famous baseball players in the movies to reprise their roles for the Orioles over the final month of the season. This got me thinking, who would I rather have on the field: current Oriole or famous Hollywood character.

SP – Jeremy Guthrie or Nuke Laloosh from Bull Durham – Guthrie is a relative beacon of consistency for a historically overmatched Orioles pitching staff while Laloosh is a mercurial talent whose unorthodox delivery will not translate well to the big leagues unless he’s accompanied by trusted catcher Crash Davis. Advantage: Guthrie

Catcher: Matt Wieters or Jake Taylor from Major League – Love the savvy veteran leadership of Taylor, and remember, the guy was playing on two flat tires when he beat out that game winning bunt single against the Yankees. Wieters is certainly no “Mauer with power” but his defense has been outstanding all year. Advantage: Wieters

First Base: Chris Davis or Jack Elliot from Mr. Baseball – Davis was brought to Baltimore with the promise of adding some punch to a lineup in desperate need of a power hitting first baseman but has ended up convalescing with Dr. Lewis Yocum while they attempt to figure out the best way to reapir his injured shoulder. All Jack Elliot did was pave the way for other Americans like Karl “Tuffy” Rhodes and Bobby Valentine, to star in the Japanese baseball league . Advantage: Elliot

Second Base: Robert Andino or Jose from Bull Durham – Well, seeing as how Jose played nearly an entire season for the Bulls with a cursed glove, it’ll be hard not to go with Andino even though he remains a far cry from a healthy Brian Roberts. Speaking of BRob, what are the chances we ever see him again? Next season maybe? Advantage: Andino

Shortstop: JJ Hardy or Tanner from The Bad News Bears – As far as I can tell, JJ Hardy is not a misogynistic, racist which is much more than can be said for Tanner the pint sized blonde. In fairness, he does stick up for teammate Lupus in that critical scene where a couple of Yankees players start bullying the smallest kid in the playground. Sound familiar? Advantage: Hardy

Third Base: Mark Reynolds or Roger Dorn from Major League: Two very similar defensive players who have each perfected the ole defensive maneuver. Unfortunately, I have yet to see Orioles manager Buck Showalter come out and urinate on Reynolds contract. Adding to this is the fact that Dorn looks like a terrible hitter, not even close to matching the prodigeous pwer of Reynolds. Advantage: Reynolds

OF: Nolan Reimold or Mae Mordabito from A League of Their Own: “All the Way” Mae had plenty of speed and defense, two things alluding Reimold. With Mae we’re also talking Madonna in her prime, which for younger fans under the age of 25 must seem completely implausible seeing as how today she looks like a wax statue from Madame Tussauds. Advantage: Mordabito

OF: Adam Jones or Kelly Leak from The Bad News Bears: Kelly Leak had all the talent in the world but unfortunately we are also talking about a 12 year old chain smoker who probably won’t exist in the free world much past the 8th grade. Adam Jones has a ton of natural ability too, and if the O’s don’t start winning soon, he’s going to want to catch the first flight out of here and return to the West Coast. Advantage: Jones

OF: Nick Markakis or Roy Hobbs from The Natural: Has anyone ever taken the time to extrapolate Hobbs stats from his one year with the New York Knights? Even though he didn’t play a full season – due to various setbacks including a silver bullet and Wilford Brimley – I’m still guessing he ended up hitting over 40 home runs with 120 RBI. If Markakis ever hits a ball through a Warehouse window only then will we have a debate. Advantage: Hobbs

Total: Current Orioles 6 Hollywood 3. O’s win! O’s win!

view from Target Field courtesy of @Brandi_Hagen

Monday Morning Musings

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Older people can be so ornery when they have their routines broken. I have an uncle who had the same breakfast, oatmeal and coffee, for almost 30 years until one morning his son, my cousin, got up real early and ate what was left of my uncles oatmeal. That morning, my uncle had to settle for a poached egg and grapefruit and trust me when I tell you that he hasn’t been the same since.

When news broke on Saturday that Yankees DH Jorge Posada was refusing to play after being moved to the 9 spot in the lineup, I for one was not surprised. Posada’s like 40 years old and has probably gotten so use to the routine of hitting 4-8 in the lineup that he just did not know how to cope. Have you ever seen your grandmother wake up and not turn on the Today Show then immediately go outside to water the garden? That’s what I thought.  So no, I don’t blame Jorge at all for his “reasons”. Older people need their routines.

A Quick Trip Around the Bases

1B – So apparently Jose Bautista is for real. You would think that after his 2010 campaign, 54 HRs and 124 RBI, people wouldn’t be all that surprised by his early power surge in 2011. His 3 home runs Sunday against the unfortunately hapless Minnesota Twins now gives Bautista 16 on the year putting him on pace to eclipse his total from 2010. At this rate I’m not sure what’s going to be higher: Jose Bautista’s home run totals or number of times a blogger compares his career to that of Brady Anderson? For a columnist of Jon Heyman’s clout to essentially vouch for Jose, here’s hoping his clean and off the sauce.

2B – Lance Berkman continues to rake this season as if he were still in his Killer B prime back in Houston. My former summer league coach had also worked previously with Berkman in the Cape Cod League and this coach would always tell me that Berkman had the quickest hands he had ever seen. I once asked my coach to compare my hands to Berkman’s and his response, “Jon, at least you play the game the right way”. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

3B – On Sunday, the Braves and Phillies faced off against one another in Atlanta in what MLB called the “Civil Rights Game”. I’m all for honoring transcendant moments in American history just as long as it means that teams will wear their throwback uniforms. And what is it about throwback unis anyway? Not only are the primary colors jarring to the senses but the sizing of the jerseys and pants are way off as well. Players looked they had to borrow their parents uniforms yesterday almost like how we use to on the junior varsity.

HR – Speaking of the Braves, poor Chipper Jones has another knee injury, this time a torn meniscus. If he opts for surgery he could miss up to a month. I have a torn meniscus and cartilage in my right knee and a doctor told me to have it surgically repaired. When I asked about the downside to surgery he told me that I would have to deal with a lot of arthritis in that specific joint when I get older. So you got that to look forward to Chipper, which is nice.

view from Target Field courtesy of @tomyoung590