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If Gambling Were Legal: Wild Card Weekend

January 5, 2012 by Jon

Before starting in on Wild Card weekend, I thought I would take a few lines of prose to discuss how much pain I have endured this past week because of my adopted love the Wisconsin Badgers. First Monday and the Rose Bowl. Heading into the game I felt that the Badgers offense could keep up with the Flying Prefontaine’s from Eugene. Sure enough, Wisco kept pace in Pasadena, and if it weren’t for some questionable clock management, they could have walked away smelling roses. When Russell Wilson went to spike the ball with :02 seconds remaining, my first thought was: perfect, just enough time to run one final play. But then the clock struck :00 and the replay booth confirmed my greatest fear that :02 was not enough time for two plays. Of course, this wouldn’t have been a problem if either a) the offense had a play called for exactly this situation or b) Bret Bielema didn’t treat his second half timeouts like old receipts from the grocery store.

If Monday weren’t painful enough, the next night back in Madison at the Kohl Center proved to be just as perplexing. The Mayans predicted two things would happen in 2012. #1: The world will come to an end and #2: all digital clocks would be synched. How can you expect Big Ten officials to make a fair decision when one clock read .2 seconds while the other showed .0? Whatever the case, the Ryan Evans would be game tying triple didn’t count and Bo Ryan loses another heartbreaker to Sparty.

Wild Card Weekend

Saturday

HOUSTON (-3) over Cincinnati – Watching this years Rose Bowl brought me back to the 2011 edition when Wisconsin lost to the Andy Dalton led TCU team. I have yet to forgive Dalton and do not wish him any luck as he leads his Benglas against the Texans. Speaking of Houston, that failed two point conversion against the Texans was totally scripted. Probably by Mike Francesa who would have given anything for the NY Jets to miss the playoffs including his subscription to Horse and Hound.

Detroit (+10.5) over NEW ORLEANS – As a sports fan, there’d be no better place to be this weekend than NOLA. With both the NFL playoffs AND the CFB National Championship taking place in the Superdome, I would pay a pretty penny for safe passage to the Big Easy. Of course, with prices these days, I’d probably have better luck becoming a butt sniffing corporate hanger oner just punching his time sheet until the next handout.

Sunday

NY Giants (-3) over Atlanta – If there is one thing I can guarantee you about the New York Giants is to expect the unexpected. That, and if you are going to spend a billion dollars building a new stadium, the least you can do is give it some personality. Geez. MetLife Stadium is about as charismatic as Nick Saban who, coincidentally, I’m also convinced is getting shorter and shorter.

DENVER (+8.5) over Pittsburgh – Those footsteps you hear belong to Brady Quinn. Yes, that Brady Quinn. ALso, don’t be surprised if you see John Elway rushing onto the field to pull the plug on Tim Tebow himself before the Broncos QB self combusts all over himself like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber.

view from the Rose Bowl courtesy of @lucy_nicholson

The “I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About” Week 17 NFL Picks

January 2, 2011 by Jon

A couple of quick things before we get into the Week 17 picks. First, why didn’t Wisconsin run the ball on that 2 point conversion?  The undersized/athletic TCU defense could not stop the mammoth Badger offensive line all game. Second, my NFL picks have been getting progressively worse since we started this venture back in Week 11.  Maybe I can’t handle the pressure of public expectations.  Whatever the case, view these Week 17 picks with caution.

view of Rose Bowl Game courtesy of @TheTeditorial

KANSAS CITY (-3.5) over Oakland: “Tailgating and good BBQ.  That’s what Arrowhead Stadium is known for!!!”

NEW ENGLAND (-4) over Miami: I understand the Pats have already locked up the #1 seed. But, what exactly are the Dolphins playing for this week?

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) over Tennessee: I could watch the video of Peyton Manning sliding on the 2 yard line over and over and over again.  Perhaps the dorkiest thing he has every done on a football field.

HOUSTON (-3) over Jacksonville: I think I would rather watch a replay of the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl than any game featuring Trent Edwards (as the entire city of Buffalo gives a collective nod of the head).

Pittsburgh (-5.5) over CLEVELAND: When Gov. Ed Rendell caught word of the NHL moving the Winter Classic to a later hour he compared Gary Bettman to Julian Assange.

BALTIMORE (-9.5) over Cincinnati: Ravens are poised to ruin my 2011 playoff experience.

Minnesota (+3) over DETROIT: The abandoned buildings of Detroit.  Apocalypse Now.

NY Giants (-4) over WASHINGTON: This is the only game Fox is giving the NYC metro area.  I would need Direct TV in order to watch the Pack/Bears game. Yuck.

GREEN BAY (-10) over Chicago: Once the Packers win and clinch a playoff spot, I’m predicting that nearly 1/2 of all football “experts” will pick them to reach the Superbowl.

Dallas (+6.5) over PHILADELPHIA: Every American is entitled to their own opinion. However, Tucker Carlson you’re embarrassing yourself. Everyone knows that public stonings are no longer permitted in the United States.

NY JETS (-1.5) over Buffalo: Lost in all the Rex Ryan foot fetish craze is an undeniably profitable marketing opportunity.

Carolina (+14.5) over ATLANTA: For pride Panthers. For pride!

Tampa Bay (+7.5) over NEW ORLEANS: Bucs miss playoffs by a game and make a huge statement in the process.

Arizona (+6) over SAN FRANCISCO: Count me down as one of the many people who will miss the highly erratic, never dull head coaching career of Mike Singletary.

DENVER (+3.5) over San Diego: Tebow mic’d up vs Texans…pretty sweet.

St. Louis (-3) over SEATTLE: Charlie Whitehurst looks like a strange combination of Koy Detmer and Jesus Christ. Total points: 42

Last week: 7-9

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