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If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 9

November 4, 2011 by Jon

Atlanta (-7) over INDIANAPOLIS – If the Colts were to trade away Peyton Manning this offseason and start fresh with Andrew Luck, what teams would be interested in acquiring the services of a 35 year old veteran QB with a cronic neck issue? Early favorites include Redskins, Browns, and – gulp- Broncos.

Tampa Bay (+8) over NEW ORLEANS – If I hear one more person in Connecticut comparing Snowtober to Hurricane Katrina I’m going to drive my Volvo wagon into their gazebo and let my two black labs take a crap on the front lawn. (Note: I don’t own two black labs or a Volvo wagon but I think you get my point.)

HOUSTON (-11) over Cleveland – The Texans burned me 4 years ago when I took them in week 1 of my suicide pool. Which is why I tremble like a leaf at the thought of a Browns upset in Houston this weekend.

BUFFALO (-2) over NY Jets – Is Ryan Fitzpatrick really worth all this money? I guess it’s nice that the Bills now have a franchise quarterback in place for the next 5 season. That hasn’t happened in Buffalo since the days of Jim Kelly and Frank Reich. For the Jets, why are NY fans so upset at Joe Namath for calling Rex Ryan “fat”? Broadway Joe has always been a straight shooter and I’m sure Rex would be the first to tell you that he can afford to drop a few lbs. But the Jets head coach also seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t really give a crap what other people think, including Namath, so don’t look for his appearance on the sidelines to shift all that much over the next couple of weeks.

KANSAS CITY (-4) over Miami – One of the greatest single revelations from Ungaurded, the Chris Herren documentary on ESPN, was hearing about all the support he received from teammates during his rookie season with the Denver Nuggets. On the BS Report with Bill Simmons, Herren talked about how one teammate in particular, George McCloud, was incredibly involved in keeping the troubled guard clean. He told the story about how on a night in Miami, McCloud found Herren essentially passed out in a South Beach strip club and proceeded to drag him by the scruff of his neck back to the hotel. That’s the kind of leadership that Herren could have used when he bottomed out playing in places like Tehran, Iran.

WASHINGTON (+3.5) over San Francisco – Upset Special!!!! Upset Special!!! And because I have nothing more to say about this particular game, let’s all watch Washington Capitals star forward Alex Ovechkin drop a f-bomb on head coach Bruce Boudreau during the 3 period of a recent game vs the Anaheim Ducks.

DALLAS (-11.5) over Seattle – Funny how Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s wife Candace are both pregnant because as you know, the pop star(?) and Cowboy QB were once an item. I’m not trying to imply anything other than sometimes competition works in strange strange ways.

OAKLAND (-8) over Denver – Tim Tebow is the most polarizing public figure since Charles Foster Kane. The latest > Tebow ESPN controversy, perpetuated by Deadspin, is just the most recent in a long line of Tebow-centric gags. I’m still waiting for SNL to memorialize the Broncos QB in a game show sketch pitting him against Mother Teresa, Gandhi, and George Bailey.

TENNESSEE (-3) over Cincinnati – It could be that we will look back at the end of the regular season and say that this was the game that determined the final playoff spot in the AFC. Shocking, I know.

St. Louis (+2) over ARIZONA – I wouldn’t watch this game even if I were a Fordham University graduate.

NY Giants (+9) over NEW ENGLAND – What’s the over/under on number of times during the Fox broadcast that Joe Buck and Troy Aikman reference Super Bowl XLII: 25, 35, or 100?

Green Bay (-5.5) over SAN DIEGO – How dare people continue to blame Philip Rivers’ recent poor play on his 6 kids. Any parent knows that it is much easier playing zone than man-to-man.

PITTSBURGH (-3) over Baltimore – For fantasy purposes, I would really appreciate it if Steelers coach Mike Tomlin told us before 12pm Sunday whether or not he plans to have Ben Roethlisberger throw the ball 50 times again like last week against the Patriots.

Chicago (+8.5) over PHILADELPHIA – When the Eagles and Bears meet Monday night how can you not think about the Fog Bowl in 1988? For me it brings back such fond memories of Randall Cunningham and Buddy Ryan. Too bad this game is being played in Philly and not Connecticut where, due to all the power outages, there is enough wood smoke and emergency generator emissions to create a low lying brown haze.

Last Week 5-8 (Overall 61-55)

view from Chestnut Hill courtesy of @RichAberman

Quick Snaps: NFL Week 8

October 31, 2011 by Jon

When people go on and on about climate change, melting ice caps, and displaced polar bears, they always seems to focus on the doom and gloom that goes along with the end of human existence but fail to focus on all the good stuff like more snow days for kids, and tons of fresh powder at the New England ski resorts. So while I could be upset about the fact that the power company has yet to respond to my multiple phone calls indicating a downed line laying across the driveway, instead I’ll choose to focus on how great it was that the electricity stayed on long enough Saturday night into Sunday morning to watch the end of the USC/Stanford* football game. In the future, I’ll be fine with “evolving” weather patterns so long as it doesn’t interfere with my sports consumption.

*A few observations about this 3OT instant classic in the Pac12. 1) Some people are saying that Andrew Luck did not improve his draft stock with his performance against the Trojans. But when you were already the presumed top pick in the 2012 draft, isn’t it impossible to improve your position? 2) Matt Barkley is going to be a very good NFL quarterback someday. 3) USC defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin looks like the kind of guy who enjoys wearing boat shoes. I can totally see him sitting up in the coaches booth wearing a nice new pair of Sperry’s just wishing he were on a boat off the Florida Keys fishing for blue marlin.

Quick Snaps

Rams 31 Saints 21 – Just look what throwback uniforms will do for you. St. Louis decides to don the old school Eric Dickerson yellow and royal blues and ends up putting an absolute hurting on Drew Brees, Sean Payton, and the rest of the New Orleans Saints. I would also like to thank Steven Jackson for single handedly ending any chance I had at winning my weekly fantasy matchup. Finally, a quick congrats to David Freese, Albert Pujols, Tony La Russa, and all the St. Louis Cardinals. Game 6 of the 2011 World Series was one of the most memorable baseball games in recent memory, perhaps even surpassing the drama of 1986 with Mookie and Buckner.

Ravens 30 Cardinals 27 – I wasn’t able to watch the 1pm games, but tried to follow along on my phone as best I could. Needless to say, when Baltimore trailed Arizona by a score of 24-3 I figured it spelled the end of my 2011 gambling season. Luckily, Ray Rice decided to place the team on his broad shoulders and preserved my spot in our weekly suicide pool.

Steelers 25 Patriots 17 – My knee jerk reaction is that New England is months, if not 5 defensive backs, away from being able to compete for a Super Bowl. The Patriots haven’t had a genuine pass rusher since Willie McGinest and BB’s “bend but not break” defensive scheme allows for a ton of yards. You can’t outscore your opponent when don’t control the time of possession.

Lions 45 Broncos 10 – For the record, I still believe “tebowing” is here to stay. Also, do you think there is silent majority within the Denver organization that secretly wants Tim Tebow to fail? Couldn’t you see John Elway just hoping the Broncos are bad enough this season to be in position to draft Luck, Barkley, or Landry Jones?

view from Lincoln Financial Field courtesy of @Danie_stars

If Gambling Were Legal: NFL Week 8

October 28, 2011 by Jon

Indianapolis (+8.5) over TENNESSEE – It’s fun to try and think about what the spread of each Colts game this season would have been if Peyton Manning were healthy and playing. Take for example this matchup against the Titans. With Manning, I say the line goes to Colts (-6.5). Also, to whomever suggested this past week that Manning deserves a few MVP votes…you sir are a pot stirring nincompoop.

Jacksonville (+9.5) over Houston – The potential return of Andre Johnson means two things: 1) Texans tease the cover and win game 21-13 and 2) my fantasy team gets back on track after nearly three full weeks of mediocrity. How does the old saying go? You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken____?

CAROLINA (-3.5) over Minnesota – For some strange reason this matchup between two teams who are a combined 3-11 is one of the more appealing of all the 1pm starts. Probably has something to do with the two rookie quarterbacks, Cam Newton and Christian Ponder. I won’t be as excited if this game some how ends up involving Donovan McNabb.

New Orleans (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS – How exactly is a high ankle sprain any different from a regular ankle sprain? Is there such a thing as a low ankle sprain? In high school, I can remember rolling my ankle at least once a varsity basketball game. Today, my ligaments are so stretched out that I sprain an ankle climbing the stairs.

BALTIMORE (-13) over Arizona – What the heck happened last Monday night? Maurice Jones-Drew fumbled the ball four times and the Jaguars STILL managed to beat the Ravens. Is it all on QB Joe Flacco? It certainly seems like a lot of Baltimore fans are piling on the Delaware grad right now. I say give him a break. After all, it wasn’t too long ago that he was still living in his parents basement driving a beat up old Ford Taurus wagon.

NY GIANTS (-10) over Miami – It would be so like the Giants to play down to their competition here. However, since these are the dysfunctional Dolphins, there’s a better chance of Tony Sparano getting fired during halftime than of Miami actually winning this game.

BUFFALO (-6) over Washington – Since Buffalo is allowed to play one game a year in Toronto, then I think it’s only fair for teams like Seattle and Minnesota to schedule a “home” game in Canada as well. Imagine how crazy Edmonton would go for Vikings/Cardinals.

Detroit (-3) over DENVER – I never really got into the whole planking thing. I always thought it was a little unsanitary to lay across the jewelry display at your local Macy’s. But I’ll tell you, this tebowing thing has some real potential.

New England (-3) over PITTSBURGH – At what point Sunday do you think we will be able to tell who Jim Nantz is pulling for? I say second quarter after Simms drops the 8th “Ben” of the day.

SAN FRANCISCO (-8.5) over Cleveland – The Browns are like gambling kryptonite. Doesn’t matter who you take in this game it will most certainly come back to haunt you. Speaking of haunting, really looking froward to my first Halloween as a father. Of course, my son is much to young to enjoy candy himself which means….more Take 5’s for me!!!!!

SEATTLE (+3) over Cincinnati – I hope the Seahawks are the next team to go back to their “old school” uniforms. It would bring back such fond memories of Dave Krieg and Steve Largent.

Dallas (+3.5) over PHILADELPHIA – I watched a few minutes of the Chuck Wepner documentary on ESPN and one thing was made abundantly clear; the Bayonne County Park is just not the same thing as the Philadelphia Art Museum.

San Diego (-3.5) over KANSAS CITY – I for one am a huge proponent of the playoff, or in the case of Chiefs head coach Todd Haley, winning streak beard. It’s a proven fact that unkempt facial hair is good for at least one or two victories a season.

Last Week 6-7 (Overall 56-47)

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @akosnitzky