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Plodding Through the Previews: Cars 2

June 21, 2011 by Jon

Some folks boast a photographic memory while others claim to count cards. Me, I have a strange telekinetic ability to predict the plot of a movie based solely on the coming attraction. I will channel these talents every week in an effort to breakdown the latest summer blockbuster. With a little luck, and patience, I’ll also connect the movie to a current sports story however, this final pursuit may result in complete and abject failure.

Cars 2

The original Cars is in fact the only Pixar film which I have never seen. As we all know, Pixar movies resonate with adults just as much as kids. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that nearly half of Pixar’s entire feature film library – Up and Wall E to name a few – were explicitly made for adults. Which is probably why these movies makes so much money. Parents are just as excited to see the movie as their kids.

Yet somehow, Cars has eluded me, like my white whale. Maybe my son will grow to be a huge NASCAR fan and we will develop a mutual love and respect for the original imovie. For now at least, I know very little about the premise of the first Cars other than it was Paul Newman’s last major role before his death in 2008.

A Second by Second Breakdown

:25 – Larry the Cable Guy is back! Has he done anything significant since the first Cars? Does he still do the “you know you’re a redneck when” bit or I am thinking of Jeff Foxworthy?

:52 – My absolute favorite part of previews for animated movies, trying to guess the voices. The Italian sports car sure does sound an awful lot like either John Turturro or Luciano Pavarotti.

:58 – No guessing on this one. That is the unmistakable voice of Michael Caine clearly on loan from the set of the latest Batman film. Wouldn’t it be awesome if movies worked liked professional soccer where actors could be loaned out by bigger films to smaller projects for a fee. Speaking of The Dark Knight Rises, when can we expect a preview?

1:01 – Sarah Ferguson Duchess of York? Can someone please explain to me why she is still making the morning show rounds? I swear she has been on the Today show at least 3 times a week for the past 20 years. (Note: I don’t really think this character is voiced by Fergie. At least I don’t after my wife corrected me.)

1:13 – Well this has become totally unrealistic. Brent Mustberger doesn’t have the time to announce a grand prix race. Not with the Little League World Series on the horizon.

1:36 – Who’s the main star of this film: Owen Wilson or Larry the Cable Guy? Judging from this preview it seems as if LtCG is the main draw. But why? I thought attendance at NASCAR events was way down this year.

1:52 – I can’t believe we’re nearly two minutes into a Cars preview and “Life is a Highway” by Rascal Flatts has yet to be prominently featured. This has to be a first. I hope somewhere Tom Cochrane is smiling.

The Plod

Lightning McQueen is a world famous racing car about to take on the best of the best in the biggest grand prix race of the year. It is soon revealed that McQueen is being targeted by an evil international consortium. Michael Cain and Sarah Ferguson believe Larry the Cable Guy is behind the plan to sabotage the big race. Owen Wilson and LtCG have a melodramatic falling out before the big race. Eventually, Larry the Cable Guy is absolved of any wrong doing and returns to save the day, and race, for his good old friend Owen Wilson. Lightning McQueen wins the race, falls for the Duchess of York, and LtCG becomes an honorary member of the British Secret Service.

Cars 2 as it relates to a Major Sports Story

I’ll go with Jack McKeon returning to manage the Florida Marlins at the ripe old age of 80. His first order of business, bench Hanley Ramirez for being late. I love old people, they just don’t care what anyone else thinks. How, you ask, does this all relate to the Cars 2 preview? Easy, Larry the Cable Guy was forced out of Lightning McQueen’s inner circle much like Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria forced McKeon to retire as manager in 2005. Now, as the big race approaches, both McQueen and Loria have regained their senses and rehired their most trusted confidants.

Easy. Right?

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @joecapmarlins

Monday Morning Musings

May 9, 2011 by Jon

There is this one house on my running route that has been uninhabited/up for sale for quite some time yet the owners/real estate agents haven’t canceled their New York Times subscription. Since the Times has recently gone pay for access, a copy of the Sunday edition has turned into a very valuable commodity. Consequently, I am left with a moral conundrum: to steal or not to steal a copy of the New York Times.

Understand that I haven’t stolen anything since I was 7 years old and I swiped a tootsie pop from my next door neighbor. At the time I was so guilt ridden that I returned the half eaten lollipop to my neighbors kitchen and vowed never to steal again. But isn’t a free copy of the Sunday Times too good to pass up? I wouldn’t even be contemplating this idea if I thought anyone was actually going to read these copies because as it stands now there are a weeks worth of papers stacked up in the abandoned driveway. For the sake of neighborhood resale values, and pretentious intellectuals worldwide, don’t I have a moral obligation to keep our streets clean?

A Quick Trip Around the Bases

1B – Do the Florida Marlins really figure that a new stadium, and name – Miami, will help resolve their attendance issues? As a Baltimore Orioles fan I am probably not the person to talk about empty seats in stadiums but it’s clear from the attached view that nobody is going to these Marlins games in Sun Life Stadium. Granted they were playing the Nationals but still, there must have been only 3K in attendance to see Anibal Sanchez carry a no-hitter into the 7th inning.

2B – Speaking of no-hitters, first Francisco Liriano on Tuesday and then Justin Verlander Saturday. For Verlander this was no no number 2 and many are now speculating that he has the stuff to potentially match Sandy Koufax for second place on the career no-hitter list with 4. (Nobody is going to catch up to Nolan Ryan’s astounding 7 no-hitters.)

3B – Derek Jeter busted out of his season long slump on Sunday going 4 for 6 with 2 HR’s in the Yankees 12-5 win over the Texas Rangers. It’s just one game but judging from New York sports talk radio this morning, all is forgiven between Jeter and the Yankees fans who for weeks were calling for manager Joe Girardi to either drop him down to 8 or 9 in the order or have him banished to the island of Elba. Now after yesterday’s performance, Jeter gets to stay in the leadoff spot for at least one more game and Mike Francesa has the creative license to talk exclusively about two things this afternoon: the Jeter “resurgence” and the incredibly uninspiring Kentucky Derby. If you want to talk about the Mets are anything else having to do with New York sports you can all but forget about it. Tunnel vision. 6 Diet Cokes deep and I say Mike is still going on about Uncle Mo and the owner who invented Vitamin Water.

HR – And while we’re on the subject of hitting streaks, Andre Either had his come to a smashing halt at 30 games this Saturday..by the Mets. The Mets may finish last in the NL East but at least they can say they ended the longest hitting streak of the season to date. Of course, this is probably not much solace for a franchise on the verge of trading their 2 most productive players, Reyes and Beltran, while rumors continue to circulate that the team is up for sale. It’s enough to tire out even the most ardent Mets supporters like say Keith Hernandez.

view from Sun Life Stadium courtesy of @Neuman85

View from Spring Training: 2011 Florida Marlins

March 13, 2011 by David

2011 Florida Marlins

NFL Equivalent – Minnesota Vikings: This comparison would work perfectly if the Minnesota taxpayers would finally pony up and agree to finance a new stadium. As it is, both of these teams currently play in antiquated, potentially-hazardous football stadiums. South Florida’s daily late afternoon rain squalls have nothing on Minneapolis’s roof collapses and falling debris. The Marlins will finally be moving into a new building in 2012, right smack dab in the middle of Miami’s Little Havana neighborhood. Both the Marlins and Vikings are young, with very exciting. combustible players where it matters most.

Google Search: Gone is franchise leader in home runs, 2B Dan Uggla, who was traded to division rival Atlanta after last season. In his place, the Marlins have brought in 2010 All-Star 2B Omar Infante. Slotted into the third slot in the rotation is SP Javier Vasquez, who has performed in every city he’s played that doesn’t rhyme with Blue Pork. C John Buck will call the pitches for a very promising young staff, who will rely on his veteran leadership to keep an even keel.

Famous Movie Quote: I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That’s right. –Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights.

When a perennial all-star is left to put up huge numbers in anonymity, it falls to him to remind himself that he really is the goods. Standing in front of a mirror, Dirk Diggler, an up-and-comer in the adult film business, affirms that he has what it takes. If his fan base and the media have already written him off, Hanley Ramirez needs to enter this season with the self-confidence required of someone who can carry a franchise. You ARE a star, Hanley! Ramirez will be looking to his bat to mend the strained relationships that developed with then-manager Fredi Gonzalez and Marlin fans. Young players OF Mike Stanton, OF Logan Morrison, and 1B Gaby Sanchez will take their cues from Ramirez. As these four go, so will go the Fish. SP Josh Johnson will continue to be one of the best young arms in the National League, and will challenge the 20-win threshold yet again. 2011 prediction: 82-80; 3^rd Place NL East