The Tim Tebow Inspired Quarterback Exchange

Tim Tebow is going to the New York Jets, or is it the Jacksonville Jaguars, which has been just about the best thing to happen to twitter since the earthquake that hit the east coast last August. Why his hometown Jacksonville Jaguars weren’t quick to pony up more than a 4th round draft pick is really hard to figure, especially when Tebow would help them put plenty of fannies in the seats. Since the NFL is a multi billion dollar business, why don’t more teams target local heroes/homegrown talent to become the face of their franchise? It almost makes too much sense.

What follows is a little quarterback relocation program where all 32 starting NFL quarterbacks are redistributed to a team closer to their hometown/where they went to college. Each quarterback is then compared to the player who they would be replacing in 2012.

Arizona: Ryan Fitzpatrick – The Harvard graduate would bring some much needed class to the desert. Once he arrives in Glendale the first thing on his agenda should be to shave his beard. Next, help orchestrate a Steve Nash for Jeremy Lin trade. UPGRADE

Atlanta – Cam Newton: Instantly, the Falcons become one of the most compelling/entertaining teams in the NFL. Yo could go so far as to call them the favorites to win the NFC. UPGRADE

Baltimore – Matt Schaub: Schaub looks like about 10 different people I know, including my brother in law who gets pretty pissed any time I mention this because he, like most men in their 30s, is really sensitive about his hairline. EVEN

Buffalo – Andy Dalton: Dalton is from Texas and went to TCU but you have no idea how hard it is to find an NFL quarterback who has a connection to upstate New York. Dairy farmers yes, football players not so much. EVEN

Carolina – Philip Rivers: Norv Turner has to be included in this package deal. EVEN

Chicago – Brady Quinn: Quinn, who will beat out Matt Cassel in KC, returns to the Windy City after playing his college ball at Notre Dame. Quick question, does the city of Chicago have more Michigan or Notre Dame fans? I say Michigan but what do I know. Every time I’m in Chicago I end up in a Michigan State bar. DOWNGRADE

Cincinnati – Jay Cutler: Did you know that Santa Claus, Indiana is only a 3 hour drive from Cincinnati? UPGRADE

Cleveland – Ben Roethlisberger: Huge coup for the Browns who finally get the franchise quarterback they have been waiting for since the days of Bernie Kosar. Slight disappointment for Big Ben who will now be forced to spend all of his off days loitering outside the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. UPGRADE

Dallas – Colt McCoy: It’s hard to believe that this would be the first time the Cowboys have had a starting quarterback named “Colt”.  DOWNGRADE

Denver – Alex Smith: John Elway secretly wishes Kordell Stewart was still in the league. DOWNGRADE

Detroit – Tom Brady: The rest of the NFC North shudders at the thought of Brady throwing 50 yard post patterns to Megatron. The only downside, not sure how many pairs of man Uggs Brady helps sell in the Detroit metro area. UPGRADE

Green Bay – Tony Romo: A return to Wisconsin for Romo means more rounds of golf at Whistling Straits. DOWNGRADE

Houston – Matthew Stafford: While working on this list, it was amazing to realize how many NFL quarterbacks come from the state of Texas. It’s like what they use to say about point guards from NYC or Republicans from Orange County . UPGRADE

Indianapolis – Drew Brees: The Purdue grad is a more than acceptable replacement for Peyton Manning, if he is able to beat out fellow Boilermaker Curtis Painter. UPGRADE

Jacksonville – Tim Tebow: This is where he has always belonged, assuming the Jets continue to have a difficult time understanding the fine print. UPGRADE

Kansas City – Josh Freeman: That afro plays anywhere. UPGRADE

Miami – Matt Flynn: Bit of a stretch but for what it’s worth, Flynn’s former offensive coordinator with the Green Bay Packers Joe Philbin is now the head coach of the Dolphins. EVEN

Minnesota – Carson Palmer: This makes a lot of sense, especially when the Vikings relocate to Southern California. UPGRADE

New England – Matt Hasselbeck: I’ll say this about Hasselbeck, you can’t accuse him of ever receiving a hair transplant. DOWNGRADE

New Orleans – Eli Manning: Eli returns home to play in the dome Archie built while NOLA is quick to forget all about Bountygate. Or so we thought. EVEN

New York Giants: Robert Griffin III – The Superman socks seal the deal as the GMen land a football hero to patrol the dangerous and uninviting swamps of Jersey/Metropolis. DOWNGRADE

New York Jets: John Skelton – Fordham’s own lasts about a half before Jets fans start calling into WFAN asking for the team to reacquire Mark Sanchez. Oh the irony. DOWNGRADE

Oakland: Andrew Luck -A silver & black renaissance! If only Al Davis were here to see it. UPGRADE

Philadelphia – Matt Ryan: Matty Ice isn’t nearly as good as Yuengling. DOWNGRADE

Pittsburgh – Joe Flacco: Do you think Dave Wannstedt  and his mustache still regret choosing Tyler Palko over Joe Flacco? DOWNGRADE 

St. Louis – Sam Bradford: If healthy EVEN. If AJ Feeley DOWNGRADE

San Diego – Mark Sanchez: Assuming that he remains the starter. For all we know the Chargers will try to trade for Tim Tebow in a shallow attempt to sell more tickets and light a fire under a guy who they just gave a contract extension. In twitter terms, #thejetsareafreakingmess. DOWNGRADE

San Francisco – Aaron Rodgers: Perfect fit for the team and player. The Niners become instant favorites to win the Super Bowl while Rodgers takes his Discount Double Check back to the Bay Area. UPGRADE

Seattle – Matt Moore: The Oregon State grad is a perfect fit in the Pacific Northwest, mostly because he’s currently the only starting quarterback who went to school in either Washington or Oregon. Where’s Drew Bledsoe or Ryan Leaf when you need them? NEUTRAL

Tampa Bay – Christian Ponder: This is only interesting if the Bucs also ditch the pewter for the creamsicle throwbacks. DOWNGRADE

Tennessee – Peyton Manning: This moves makes a ton of sense especially if the Titans would be willing to add a bit more orange to their uniforms and commit to playing at least 4 home games in Neyland Stadium. UPGRADE

Washington – Michael Vick: There was a time when Redskins owner Daniel Snyder would have mortgaged the entire future of the Washington franchise for an athletic quarterback with a rifle arm and Olympic sprinter speed. Oh right. UPGRADE

view from Jupiter courtesy of Eddie