Roger Goodell At The Ryder Cup

Sir Alex Ferguson, the retired legendary manager of Manchester United, will address Team Europe at the Ryder Cup Tuesday evening. So far U.S. team captain Tom Watson has been tight lipped about who, if any, guest speakers he has lined up for the Americans this week in Scotland. But if flight logs out of Teterboro Airport are any indication then a certain beleaguered commissioner of the NFL might very well be en route to Gleneagles at this very moment. And, as fortune would have it, we have obtained an advanced copy of Roger Goodell’s address to Team USA at the 2014 Ryder Cup.

Thank you all for coming today. I’d like to make a few points and then I will be happy to evasively answer any of your questions pertaining to things that I am now comfortable discussing. First, as I’ve said before, I made a mistake in the handling of the Ray Rice situation but even though as commissioner of the NFL I am the one responsible for the decisions being made I have not once considered stepping down from this exalted position and continue to maintain the support of the owners for whom I have helped make lots and lots of money. Phil, if things hadn’t fallen apart between you and the Chargers ownership group then you too would have come to understand where my true loyalties lie.

But back to my original point which is that as the person in charge of the most powerful, influential sports league in our country I take full responsibility for mishandling the Ray Rice situation so far but promise to make changes in the future to ensure that the next time there is an incident involving domestic violence that the facts and timeline of events are presented somewhat clearly and that the new special governing body charged with handling these investigations includes at least a few women who will ultimately be the ones I would like to see shouldering the blame should another coverup ever be exposed.

I want to thank Tom Watson for allowing me to invite myself to speak with you tonight. Tom, being from Kansas City I know that you are an enormous football fan and I want to apologize to you for the NFL not doing more to raise awareness for domestic violence back in 2012 after the murder of Kasandra Perkins by Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher, who, as everyone knows, would later go on to take his own life in front of team officials. I cannot offer you any more details at the moment as Belcher’s mother has filed suit against the Kansas City Chiefs claiming that the team should have been more aware of her son’s “signs of cognitive and neuropsychiatric impairment” after sustaining repeated head trauma, which is very similar to the claims made by over 4,500 former players in a lawsuit against the NFL which, may I remind you, will potentially be settled out of court for $765 million.

Now, on to golf. I love golf. In fact, I love golf so much that when the Ray Rice tape from the casino elevator arrived at our NFL offices in New York I was in Augusta preparing to watch the Masters. Bubba, I have to say that that course really does suit your game nicely. Maybe sometime you, me and Phil can all hangout together in our green jackets. Please? 

Keegan, as a long time New England Patriots fan I want you to know that I had your back in 2007 when as the brand new NFL commissioner I decided to destroy all those messy ‘Spygate’ tapes. What’s done is done in my book and I look forward to watching more games from the Gillette Stadium suites with my good buddy Bob Kraft. 

Jim, the Pittsburgh Steelers remain one of the pillars of our league which is why I so value the opinion of their owner Art Rooney II who assures me that the investigation into the NFL’s handling of the Ray Rice situation by former FBI director Robert Mueller will be ethical and transparent regardless of Mueller’s ties to the law firm which recently represented our league in the new television rights deal.

Oh and before I forget, those pesky U.S. senators who have threatened to pass legislation which would strip the NFL of it’s tax exempt status potentially costing the league and it’s owners hundreds of millions of dollars. Nothing in those bills says anything about the tax exempt status of the PGA Tour, plus there are so many awful terrible things happening with the NFL right now that I’m sure you guys are good for a least another year or two.

Good luck this week at the Ryder Cup. Don’t forget to hit em strait and we’ll be watching from Redskins, I mean Washington owner Dan Snyder’s luxury box.