Republicans Ride Rust Belt To Ruin

Cleveland calling. Time for these Republican wing nuts to lace up the wing tips and debate the issues that matter most. Unfortunately for the future of our country, and those of us who long for a reasonable choice come 2016, Thursday’s script has already been written as the 10 candidates will likely consume most of the airspace with jingoistic jargon and disengaging populist policies in the hopes of appealing to a wide swath of undecided primary voters when in reality their xenophobic musings will reach only the very narrow fringes of American society.

So then, why not address the audience in Cleveland about something that really matters to them? Like sports. And if it’s Rust Belt rage these politicians hope to channel then they would be wise to direct some of that vitriol across the Great Lakes at Canada and those fine, friendly folks from Ontario because, in case you haven’t noticed, Toronto has been stockpiling American athletic assets faster than Tehran can get their hands on weapons grade plutonium.

Years ago, the Buffalo Bills flirted with a permanent relocation to Toronto until realizing that their fan base was unwilling to take the plunge across Niagara Falls. Now this summer tensions have really ratcheted up with our neighbors to the north as Detroit especially has been purged of star players and coaches like David Price to the Blue Jays and Mike Babcock to the Maple Leafs leaving behind a massive void of talent and respectability. Who’s next, LeBron James? Forget about the Russians, maybe it’s the Raptors that the Rust Belt really needs to be worrying about because those jurassic era dinosaurs are coming on fiercer than a Drake diss track.

Winter is coming and unless Donald Trump has a plan to build more towers along the shores of Lake Erie it won’t be long before these white walkers can wrap their icy fingers around all of America’s most beloved all-stars.