Reclaiming America’s Pastime: 140 Characters Or Less At A Time

It’s too slow.

Only old people care.

It’s become a niche sport like hockey and soccer.

There are only two seasons: the NFL and the NFL offseason.

Baseball fans have heard it all before but with attendance on the rise and television rights continuing to skyrocket MLB is much more popular and relevant than most people realize. However, in a peaceful effort to cater to the dwindling attention spans of America, here’s a team by team preview of the upcoming 2014 season in 140 characters or less. #timesaver


NL East

@Braves: Regular season contenders post season pretenders locked up young stars Kimbrel and Freeman in effort to retain consistency. #gonewiththewin

@Nationals: Trendy pick to win WS after disappointing ’13. New manager Matt Williams providing edge to already talented roster. #houseofstars

@Mets: Money finally spent after Madoff mess but fans still clamoring for more major market moves to pair with promising rotation. #hopeforharvey

@Phillies: They’re old and in limbo figuring out whether to compete now or later. #cheesesteakcrossroads

@Marlins: The Baby Fish are young and talented with The Defector and Giancarlo but not enough to pry fans from South Beach. #heatcheck

NL Central

@Cardinals: Midmarket models of consistency built around stable battery continue to develop and grow their own. #gatewaytosuccess

@Pirates: Regressing towards the mean following feel good season for the @TheCUTCH22 and Co. #believeinthebucos

@Reds: Playoff chances looking like Dust in the wind after disappointing 2013. #ohionotclosetokansas

@Brewers: Braun will be back and BrewCrew spent some extra offseason juice on FA pitcher Garza. #stayforthesausagerace

@Cubs: Patience running thin on Theo who brought promise of a Beantown like revival to Wrigley. #renovaterooftops

NL West

@Dodgers: Backed up bank truck for Kershaw but can’t throw more tv money at already crowded outfield. #tinseltowntipsheet

@Dbacks: Snakes are slithering their way into post season projections while skipper @23KGibby remains a man of few words. #hardaz

@SFGiants: Lincecum paid for past performance but Posey and slimed down Panda still hanging around like the morning fog. #goldengateglorydays

@Padres: Sun surf and beautiful stadium not enough to compete in uber competitive division. #mightaswelltrythefishtacos

@Rockies: Rox say they’ll hold onto talented cornerstones Tulo and CarGo but thin air has a way of changing minds. #wakenbake


AL East

@RedSox: The reigning WS champs are real good again but will need stand out performances from stubbled faced rookies in order to repeat. #cleanshaven

@RaysBaseball: Maddon’s living in a RV this spring which is where entire franchise remains until they figure out a fair deal for Price. #bringbackthedevil

@Yankees: The Evil Empire’s back as Bombers opened their wallets to several first class flyers and prepare to bid adieu to the Captain. #sadsterling

@Orioles: The lineup around Crush Davis is stellar but rotation remains a concern even with late addition of Ubaldo Jimenez. #believeinbuck

@BlueJays: A disappointing 2013 leads to disillusionment in 2014 unless Dickey ‘s knuckler dances once again. #maybethemapleleafs

AL Central

@Tigers: Perennial powers fully stocked with MVP Miguel and ace Verlander but dugout won’t feel as filtered w/out Leyland. #badhabit

@Indians: Tito’s brought a winning ‘tude but can the Tribe pull of a rags to riches repeat in 2014 now that new car smell has worn off? #rustbelt

@Royals: Perhaps this will be the year that KC makes it all the way back to the playoffs for the first time since winning the WS in ’85. #lordesingle

@Twins: The prospects are coming soon to Target Field where they will join new 1B Joe Mauer and a revamped rotation. #shoppingatthemallofamerica

@Whitesox: Big Hurt goes into the Hall while young ace not allowed to set Sale as the revitalization on South Side continues. #disconeverdies

AL West

@Athletics: Moneyball magic continues with or without functioning toilets as this collection of no names plays for respect and a stadium. #rawsewage

@Rangers: Prince and Choo are here but Nolan Ryan is not as Ron Washington’s window of opportunity wilts under the hot Texas sun. #climatechange

@Angels:  Josh Hamilton bouncing back on the gluten while team hopes there’s enough fat left on the bone to lock up Mike Trout. #pujolsachillesheel

@Mariners: Robinson Cano left the Bronx in favor of Puget Sound now the club hopes to establish a winning identity like their neighbors. #12manenvy

@Astros: The Stros have lost over 100 games each of the past three seasons so in theory things can’t get any worse in 2014. #scientificmethod