Jay Cutler Votes For Donald Trump, Confrims He Is An Awful Quarterback


CHICAGO, November 15 – While most NFL players and personnel have chosen to remain silent since the presidential election, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is proud to have cast a ballot for Donald Trump. In related news, this past weekend Cutler was also able to confirm that he is not good at playing football.

His enthusiasm for Mr. Trump was on full display in the Bears’ 36-10 defeat to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the normally dour and unexpressive signal caller appeared downright demonstrative and effusive while completing 16 of 30 passes for 182 yard and two interceptions.

His attitude caught many teammates off guard as they have long grown accustomed to Cutler appearing as if he does not ‘give a shit’.

The loss drops the hapless Bears to 2-7 on the year and while Cutler’s reign in Chicago will most likely come to a merciful conclusion at the end of the regular season, it’s not all bad news for the Santa Claus, Indiana native as President-Elect Trump remains so impressed by the Smokin’ Jay Cutler meme that he promised to consider Cutler for an opening with the surgeon general.

In related news, Donald Trump is also thinking about New England Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick for White House Press Secretary and Buffalo Bills’ offensive lineman Richie Incognito for wife Melania’s cyber bullying task force.

NFL Television Ratings Down, Networks To Consider New Programming

The Lord Line

New York, November 1 – In a stunning development, due to declining ratings several television networks have started contemplating replacing NFL games with other regularly scheduled programming. And the switch might happen sooner rather than later.

The news breaks following some surprising Sunday night results that saw Game 5 of the World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians on FOX outperform NBC’s Football Night in America between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys by an overnight rating of 15.3 to 11.6. The whopping 32% difference marks the first time since 2013 that baseball outperformed football in a head to head matchup.

Now executives from the networks are scrambling to come up with alternative programming to stem the tide of an overly saturated football schedule. When asked to comment on the situation NBC spokesman Arthur Tillengast said that a change to the nightly schedule is nothing more than an attempt to diversify their primetime lineup and has little to do with the sinking ship that is professional football.

“We at NBC are in the idea business,” stated Tillengast “And even though we spent billions upon billions of dollars for the broadcast rights to the NFL that doesn’t mean that it can’t easily be replaced by a more popular alternative.”

Word leaked that due to the national appeal of the Chicago Cubs’ historic run to the World Series NBC has commissioned the development of several more Chicago based dramas to compliment the success of Chicago Fire including Chicago Earth and Chicago Wind. 

When asked what he believed was the main reason for declining football ratings Tillengast was evasive and did not want to comment on an earlier report that described how some network execs felt the correct way to handle Colin Kaepernick’s Star Spangled Banner protest was to show disgruntled fans that television believes in “true patriotism” by running primetime footage of different American flags from across the country.

The Lord Line: Tom Brady To Spend Bye Week At Trump National


Buffalo, October 28 – Tom Brady may not be willing to state publicly if he plans on voting for his friend Donald Trump in the upcoming presidential election but that has not stopped the New England Patriots’ star quarterback from making plans to stay at the Trump National Doral Miami during the teams’ bye week following their game vs. the Buffalo Bills this weekend. When asked about the upcoming vacation the normally tight lipped veteran appeared giddy at the prospects of more time away from football.

“Obviously I won’t comment on my 4 game suspension other than to say it was totally unfair and that Roger Goodell is the bastard spawn of Satan. But my time at home and sun bathing naked in Italy did offer a glimpse of what life is like without football which is why I am very much looking forward to another break.”

When asked specifically about his reasoning for choosing Trump National given the controversy surrounding Brady since being spotted with a “Make America Great Again” hat in his locker, the future Hall of Famer said that it was a business decision.

“Mr. Trump is a friend but Mr. Trump also owes me a substantial amount of money which I lent to him long before he announced his candidacy for president back when he was raising capital for a new line of bathroom fixtures called ‘Trump Toilets: Your Shit Is My Business’. Times being what they are, and with the Russian mafia being so stingy, I accepted a free week long stay in Miami instead.

When asked to comment on the Brady bye week situation, Buffalo Bills’ head coach, and fellow Trump supporter, said that he too had plans to spend his off week at a Trump Resort but then heard that the buffets “sucked” so he changed his plans and now he and his twin brother Rob will be riding a whiskey barrel over Niagara Falls.

Bill Belichick did not wish to comment on Tom Brady’s bromance with Donald Trump other than to say that Republicans are now “On to Paul Ryan’.

Our Guilty Pleasure

We say we don’t care. But we do.

We say we won’t watch. But we will.

We say that the final score doesn’t matter. But it does.

We say it’s not our night to put the kids to bed. But it is.

We say that we won’t leave the dishes in the sink over night. But we forget.

We say that air pressure is overrated. But it isn’t.

We say that all teams cheat. But we know better.

We say that Tom Brady wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump. But he might.

We say that nobody’s perfect. But we lie.

We say that the Steelers will cover the spread. But we’ve been down this road before.

We say that none of this matters because at the end of the day it’s still just a bunch a nihilistic neanderthals causing CTE. But we can’t help ourselves.




A Too Real Not To Be Real Conversation Between Ralph and a Football Coach

“Drop and give me ten!” yells the misanthropic football coach with tobacco juice dribbling down the side of his mouth like a rabid dog.

“No, no I don’t believe I will,” replies Ralph the team’s requisite conscientious objector.

“What do you mean?” asks the increasingly befuddled coach who on the surface appears about as comfortable wrestling with logic as he would a greased pig at the county fair.

“It’s too hot for unnecessary and purely punitive calisthenics,” begins the sturdy as ever school boy. “If I were to continue exerting myself in these conditions I simply do not believe that my body would be able to regulate its core temperature satisfactorily enough as to avoid such cataclysmic health events like heat stroke or a heart attack.” [Read more…]