Jay Cutler Votes For Donald Trump, Confrims He Is An Awful Quarterback


CHICAGO, November 15 – While most NFL players and personnel have chosen to remain silent since the presidential election, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is proud to have cast a ballot for Donald Trump. In related news, this past weekend Cutler was also able to confirm that he is not good at playing football.

His enthusiasm for Mr. Trump was on full display in the Bears’ 36-10 defeat to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the normally dour and unexpressive signal caller appeared downright demonstrative and effusive while completing 16 of 30 passes for 182 yard and two interceptions.

His attitude caught many teammates off guard as they have long grown accustomed to Cutler appearing as if he does not ‘give a shit’.

The loss drops the hapless Bears to 2-7 on the year and while Cutler’s reign in Chicago will most likely come to a merciful conclusion at the end of the regular season, it’s not all bad news for the Santa Claus, Indiana native as President-Elect Trump remains so impressed by the Smokin’ Jay Cutler meme that he promised to consider Cutler for an opening with the surgeon general.

In related news, Donald Trump is also thinking about New England Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick for White House Press Secretary and Buffalo Bills’ offensive lineman Richie Incognito for wife Melania’s cyber bullying task force.

A Present Built To Last

A Present Built To Last – by Jonathan Lord

No words they say can describe exactly how we feel
But without these words how ever shall we heal?

The morning after carries with it moments of deep repose
Alone and surrounded by darkness our greatest fears expose.

Bodies naked and afraid contorted in suspicion
Of an authority ruling without consent or permission.

Insecurity and anger gave rise to tragedy and power,
But be not afraid of this the darkest hour.

For failure is not the enemy, failure is a friend
Knocked down but back up again, why, how did you think this would end?

The challenge of our time must be met with courage and resolve
Together with conviction a civil society can evolve.

Let voices lead to action for a very common cause
Fighting fear and hatred and all things which tend to give us pause.

With strength and solidarity against the guardians of the gate
Armed with truth and justice for all, some things mustn’t wait.

Because love is not a theory, love is something very real
We see it in our children whose hearts we must now deal.

We see it in the friends whose hands we hold so tight
Whose help we now rely to help set these things right.

We see it in sworn enemies the very people we oppose
Those we share more in common, so the story goes.

If prejudice runs skin deep then when we pull the pigment back,
The blood that boils through our veins looks the same, neither white brown or black.

The collective core of humanity must now reveal it’s benevolent soul
Our bodies merely vessels, each of us part of a larger whole.

Young and old recognizing the fight for progress that most follow
Convictions of all colors showing that these words are more than hollow.

And once these voices of the future merge with spirits from the past,
Our legacy shall echo through all of time, a present built to last.

Grown Man Seen Crying In Chicago

CHICAGO, November 3 – A grown man was seen crying early this morning as he walked alone up and down the streets of Old Town.

Initial reports indicated that he was in distress but eventually those nearby were able to verify that they were in fact tears of joy and relief not sadness.

“He was smiling the whole time,” said Millie Snyder a cashier at the nearby Treasure Island grocery store. “It was as if an enormous weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he was able to stand up straight for the first time in his life.”

The man could not be reached for comment however a mysterious note was later found posted outside the Second City Theater that authorities have determined could only have been written by a person in a state of blissful euphoria.

While the entirety of the message remains confidential until such a time that the author can be verified by forensic analysis, a small portion of note has been made public and goes as follows:

“It is only a game but the love shared by my city, my son, my mother represents a bond that cannot be broken by time or distance. I cry because the memory of this moment will last forever.”

In other news, the Cubs won the World Series for the first time in 108 years.




World Series Game 7 Jeopardized By Trump, Clinton Campaigns

The Lord Line

CLEVELAND, November 2 – Six days before the election and both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have revised their schedules and will hold dueling rallies outside of Progressive Field in Cleveland prior to Game 7 of the World Series. These impromptu campaign events will create massively long security lines outside of the stadium and ticket holders to tonight’s historic game are now being asked to consider watching from home.

“Our primary responsibility is the safety and security of the nominees,” said Secret Service spokesperson Jane Dombrowski. “And although we advised both campaigns against holding these events so close to first pitch due to safety concerns neither was willing to sacrifice a final opportunity to appeal to the undecided voters of Cuyahoga County.”

Single tickets for Game 7 have been selling for upwards of $20,000 and fans of both the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians are understandably upset by the prospect of missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity.

“This is just another example of politicians being out of touch with the average American voter,” said Matt Gibson a lifelong Indians fan and retired steelworker from Youngstown who divested all of his savings for a ticket to Game 7. “You wait your whole life to celebrate a championship with your favorite baseball team only to have that opportunity taken from you by the government.”

Mr. Gibson says that he was going to write in Urban Meyer for president anyway and that this latest development has only strengthened his resolve.

MLB has yet to offer refunds for ticket holders unable to make it to Game 7 but when word reached Mr. Trump aides said that the Republican nominee was upset and potentially willing to offer high level cabinet positions to those most affected by this “terrible, horrible tragedy”.

Too Good For TV, A-Rod Tested For Performance Enhancing Drugs

The Lord Line

CLEVELAND, November 1 – To the surprise of many, Alex Rodriguez has been one of the breakout stars of the baseball postseason so much so that now MLB has tested the Fox Sports analyst for use of performance enhancing drugs.

Rodriguez was spotted outside the visitors clubhouse at Progressive Field hours before the first pitch of Game 6 of the World Series waiting for his turn at the urinal.

MLB spokesman Greg Shechter issued a statement defending the decision saying that it is not “out of the ordinary” to drug test television broadcasters and that some of the performance enhancers being tested for include caffeine, sugar and lanolin, an ingredient found in most lip balms that when abused can lead to an overly knowledgeable and affable demeanor.

“We are all watching the same pre and post game, ” said Schechter. “Clearly Alex Rodriguez is performing at a level superior to his peers and MLB just wants to protect the integrity of the game and let fans know once and for all if A-Rod is actually this likable.”

Shechter did not care to comment on the report that fellow analyst and serial rule breaker Pete Rose was not subject to the same series of PED tests as A-Rod saying only that “what afflicts Pete cannot possibly be tested for.”