How To Talk To Your Children About…Mars

Is there life on Mars?

Well with the recent discovery of water on the planet’s surface we’re one step closer to finding out.

Then why does the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX want to blow it up?

What Elon Musk was trying to say on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert was that by pulverizing the polar ice caps with nukes, water and carbon dioxide would be released into the atmosphere and, hypothetically speaking, create an ozone layer essential to sustaining life on Mars. It’s called “terraforming”.


Ya, I learned about it in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

But why do people care about having living things on Mars?

A couple of reasons. One, to prove that we are not alone in the universe and that extraterrestrial life does and can exist. Secondly, due to the potentially irreversible impact of climate change Earth’s natural resources and atmosphere will become so barren that human beings won’t be able to live on this planet anymore and in order for our species to survive we would have to find another world to inhabit.

You said ‘potentially irreversible impact of climate change’ so does that mean there’s a chance people can stay on Earth?

Yes, and we’re slowly making progress but unless the global economy and certain political parties accept the fact that humans are responsible for our changing climate then it’s already too late.

But Dad, I’ve seen previews for The Martian, can’t we just have Matt Damon “science the shit” out of Earth?

Well we can certainly ask.

Reel Revisions: Jurassic Park

Changing film history, one iconic scene at a time.

Jurassic Park (1993)

What if Dennis Nedry made it off the island alive?

1) More scenes with the wonderfully cast Wayne Knight as our favorite wheezing/whining computer programmer.

2) The dilophosaurus remains hungry until a late movie rendezvous with Ian Malcolm.

3) Nedry delivers the dino DNA to his buyers thus ending InGen’s monopoly on regenerated reptiles.

4) A whole slew of copycat Jurassic Parks pop up on on the islands of Central America.

5) Increased supply leads to decreased demand as the general public grows tired of being chased by carnivorous velociraptors.

6) The Lost World and Jurassic Park III never happen. (But Jurassic World still exists thanks to its billion dollar box office.


How To Talk To Your Children About The Pope

“How To Talk To Your Children About The Pope”

Daddy, who’s Pope Francis?

Pope Francis is the head of the Catholic Church.

And why is he in America?

Because, there are millions of Catholics living in the United States and the upcoming United Nations General Assembly in NYC presented a global platform for the popular Pontifex to share his progressive thoughts on climate change, income inequality and immigration.

Then why are so many people saying that the Pope should stay out politics?

Because in this country we have a way of politicizing issues that have little to do with Republicans or Democrats. And with an election on the horizon in 2016 there are opportunists out there who seek to create division where none exists.

Is it true that over a million people listened to the Pope speak in Philadelphia?

Yes, it’s true. Just goes to show you how popular and powerful Pope Francis is.

If he’s so powerful then why is he driving a Fiat?

Well, this Pope prides himself on being one with with the people and it’s hard to convey empathy for the proletariat when riding around in the back of an armored Mercedes-Benz SUV. Plus, the Italian made Fiat is better on gas than most European made cars.

Even Volkswagen?

Yes, even Volkswagen.





The Stone of Tomorrow: Intro and Chapter 1

I wrote/am in the process of writing a novel for young adults. Frustrated by my inability to bust down the gates of a, or any, reputable publishing house I have decided to post chapters here to my website. Like it, share it, do with what you please. If it sucks, lacks an experienced editor’s voice and/or you’d prefer I stop disseminating, tell me that too. Your feedback may very well determine the fate of this folly.



The Stone of Tomorrow is about Wheelie, a 12 year old boy who following his parents’ divorce moves with his mother to her hometown in rural New Hampshire where they will care for the boy’s grandfather who is confined to a wheelchair after suffering a stroke. The expansive farmhouse where the grandfather lives has been in the family for generations going back to before the Revolutionary War and includes a massive stone fireplace that was part of the original foundation.

One night the grandfather goes missing and when the curious boy investigates he uncovers the magical powers of the farmhouse. Transported back in time through the fireplace the boy encounters an evil officer in the British Army and a mysterious man who may very well know the whereabouts of the boy’s missing grandfather.

Joined by a young neighborhood girl who is equally lonely and desperate for adventure, the friends travel back and forth through time hoping to stop a chain of events that threaten to rewrite the course of history and eliminate the very existence of the boy’s family.

Chapter 1


The dark figure lurched over the lifeless mason’s body and began making its way up the side of the rocky slope towards the entrance to the quarry. It had stopped raining and the clouds had opened up just enough to allow the full moon to shine through giving the mysterious man plenty of light to see as he navigated his lanky frame over and around large boulders of limestone and granite.

When he reached the top of the hill he looked back down the steep slope one final time to see if he was being followed. The mason’s arms and legs remained splayed out over the rocks. The man smiled. Confident that he was alone he drew the bloody stone axe out from beneath his red coat and started his descent down the rope ladder and into the cave below where his date with destiny awaited. [Read more…]

Our Guilty Pleasure

We say we don’t care. But we do.

We say we won’t watch. But we will.

We say that the final score doesn’t matter. But it does.

We say it’s not our night to put the kids to bed. But it is.

We say that we won’t leave the dishes in the sink over night. But we forget.

We say that air pressure is overrated. But it isn’t.

We say that all teams cheat. But we know better.

We say that Tom Brady wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump. But he might.

We say that nobody’s perfect. But we lie.

We say that the Steelers will cover the spread. But we’ve been down this road before.

We say that none of this matters because at the end of the day it’s still just a bunch a nihilistic neanderthals causing CTE. But we can’t help ourselves.