When Carl Went to Caucus in the Caucasus

 

When Carl went to caucus in the Caucasus he thought he was headed to Iowa but ended up in Georgia instead. The country not the state. Bordering Armenia and Azerbaijan and far, far away from Ames. He stayed in the Trump Tower of Tbilisi. Residents were really nice but wanted to talk Turkey instead. About immigration reform. Mexico? No. Syria, silly, and why build a wall when we live in the mountains?

When Carl went to caucus in the Caucasus he asked about taking a cruise. Locals figured he was crazy since the Caspian’s been frozen since the fall. He tried the pool but got lost talking himself into a corner about Chechnya. “Marco!!!” But Rubio was already somewhere in Cedar Rapids.

When Carl went to caucus in the Caucasus he checked his email on a server somewhere in Russia. The line to Moscow was secure but Carl likes to keep things classified when he can. Communism and socialism are different things but in Des Moines that might not matter much unless the scorched earth campaign can burn bright and hot through the Hawkeye State.

 

 

 

Fantasy Foursome: The President’s Cup

The President’s Cup, international golf’s version of a red-headed stepchild, returns this week tape delayed and in high definition from the Korea Peninsula where the game’s best, excluding Europeans and Brooks Koepka, endure four grueling days of match play in an attempt to call themselves world champions. Or something like that.

In an effort to preview the upcoming event I’ve decided to dust off the ole scrapbook with a Fantasy Foursome for the 2015 President’s Cup.

Kim Jung-on: Surely the apple can’t fall too far from the tree for the supreme commander/despotic overlord of North Korea whose father, Kim Jung-il once boasted of carding 11-holes in one in a single round. Now if only the North Korean government were as good at supplying their people with power and food as they are with their mid irons.

Donald Trump: A trip to the 38th parallel might very well give the presumptive Republican nominee for President some insight on how to best construct a wall along the US/Mexico border. Suggestion Donald, make sure it includes water hazards from your some of your bankrupt golf courses.

Pope Francis: After he’s done with climate change and income inequality, perhaps the Pontifex could say a few Hail Mary’s for Jordan Spieth’s hairline.

CC Sabathia: Life is a series a mulligans. May the road to sobriety include lots of links and laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

Dad of the Day

The Dad of the Day for October 5, 2015 is  …………(drumroll)………..

this guy,

cuttingcrust

 

 

 

 

 

 

guy who cuts the crust off his kids’ bread.

School’s been back in session for well over a month now and as a father on the run, nothing speeds up the morning clock quite like the extra seconds required to fastidiously trim the crust of your child’s peanut butter almond butter and jelly sandwich. Why kids have such a aversion to the chewy, caramel colored edges of a loaf of multigrain remains a mystery to me but I can tell you with confidence and experience that very few things sour a young student’s snack time quick like the crust. Leave it intact and your child’s brown bag is sure to return home with the mangled remains of a golden delicious complex carbohydrates, which, if you’re a dad like me, isn’t the worse thing in the world when you’re just home from work and the stomach begins grumbling for some pre dinner hors d’oeuvres. (What, you thought you were the only one rummaging through your kids lunchbox for leftovers?)

At some point our children will grow old enough to enjoy the crust, but until that moment arrives let’s take a moment to praise the thankless devotion of dads everywhere who every morning risk sawing off their thumb with a serrated blade all for the well sated bellies of endearing picky eaters everywhere.

 

 

How To Talk To Your Children About…Mars

Is there life on Mars?

Well with the recent discovery of water on the planet’s surface we’re one step closer to finding out.

Then why does the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX want to blow it up?

What Elon Musk was trying to say on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert was that by pulverizing the polar ice caps with nukes, water and carbon dioxide would be released into the atmosphere and, hypothetically speaking, create an ozone layer essential to sustaining life on Mars. It’s called “terraforming”.

Terraforming?

Ya, I learned about it in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

But why do people care about having living things on Mars?

A couple of reasons. One, to prove that we are not alone in the universe and that extraterrestrial life does and can exist. Secondly, due to the potentially irreversible impact of climate change Earth’s natural resources and atmosphere will become so barren that human beings won’t be able to live on this planet anymore and in order for our species to survive we would have to find another world to inhabit.

You said ‘potentially irreversible impact of climate change’ so does that mean there’s a chance people can stay on Earth?

Yes, and we’re slowly making progress but unless the global economy and certain political parties accept the fact that humans are responsible for our changing climate then it’s already too late.

But Dad, I’ve seen previews for The Martian, can’t we just have Matt Damon “science the shit” out of Earth?

Well we can certainly ask.